Funny Strange is Lori Culwell's blog

These are the kinds of conversations I have.

I can't believe I'm only putting this up now-- the fault is mine, really-- the topic is so amusing to me that I wanted to write a really good summary, and I just didn't have the time to sit down and do it justice.  So, thank you (anonymous friend) for sending me this photo/ summary, and I'm only sorry that this took so long.  These are the kinds of conversations I have over email sometimes, which (I think) are EXACTLY the types of conversations you would imagine me having.    After all, if something weird happens to you, who are you going to tell, your co-worker?  Your mom?   Oh no no-- you're going to tell me, and I'm going to laugh, and it's all going to be worth it. 

A couple of weeks ago I was commending a friend of mine for going alllllll the way over to see a friend's band play in Beverly Hills, especially on a weeknight, and especially after 10pm.   If you don't live in Los Angeles and you never have, 1) good for you, and 2) it takes a God damned long time to get anywhere, even Beverly Hills when your map says you're theoretically only 3 miles from there, and 3) Beverly Hills is so lame, I don't care what anyone says, it kind of makes you die a little inside if you have to actually go there, park your car, and get out.  It just is, and it's mostly because Beverly Hills, all of its inhabitants, and even all the real estate has this ethos of desperation that just makes you want to laugh all the time. 

So there's that.

Anyhow, here is an excerpted email I got after my (sainted) friend went out of her way on a school night to drive across town to see one of her friends' bands:

I AM a good friend, because the show that was supposed to go on at 10, actually started at 11, and I got there at 9:30, and the other bands were bad, and the whole time there is this guy painting in the corner, and at first we were like, "Oh, he's painting a turtle floating in the sea." And then it was, "No, he's painting a sea turtle floating in the sky." And then he painted the turtle yellow, and I kept waiting for him to put the green coat on, and he never did. And then, like, 2 hours in, he added WINGS and a HALO to the turtle. Worst painting ever. I think it was some sort of Gulf commentary, but very poorly executed.

At which point, of course, I DEMANDED TO SEE A PHOTO OF THE TURTLE.   Here it is.    I don't know if you can tell, but she's labeled this photo "Stupid Jaundiced Dead Angel Turtle," which I think is either the greatest name for a painting in the history of art, or a wonderful name for your band, if you are in junior college.

 

Here is her further commentary regarding said turtle painting.  Clearly she is now taking out her frustration at being in Beverly Hills at 11:30 on a Thursday night out on the painting, which makes the whole thing even funnier:

"The worst part was the format of the painting. He had this huge canvas, but the turtle was floating on the right, smushed over enough that he couldn't even fit his whole shell in the picture, and it was doing this karate chop thing with its flipper. Fin? Leg? Whatever the hell sea turtles have. I mean, if you're going to paint a turtle floating to heaven, at least put the whole turtle in the picture. Also, maybe make it smile? It's finally out of the oil and on its way to Jesus."

Then I ask her if this is really some sort of 1960's-inspired "happening" that she's talking about instead of just a band and a painting, and here is her reply.  Notice she's getting herself even MORE incensed as she talks about the wasted evening, and this is making me laugh even more because now it sounds like really bad sketch comedy.   This paragraph contains my favorite line of the week:  "it was like a sad party in someone's basement."

I have no idea. Some sort of Beverly Hills crap. The place actually had a good idea, it just wasn't executed well. They were selling weird paintings in the back (including one of that cute Mogwai from Gremlins and some of Heath Ledger as The Joker, etc.) and there were cute tables to sit at and listen to the music, but the music was bad and all over the place and too loud and the people there were weird and the bartender was dumb, and there was that guy painting but no one introduced him or explained why he was there, and there weren't very many people there, so it was kind of like a sad party in someone's basement. Actually, I think it would have been fine if it weren't in Beverly Hills. It would have been artsy if it hadn't been in Beverly Hills.

In closing, if you go way out of your way to do a friend a favor, and the evening spirals in on itself and becomes some weird, David-Lynch like escapade with a random guy painting dead sea turtles in the corner, don't get mad. 

Get out your camera, take a photo, and send it over here.  Then the evening won't be wasted at all.  It will be completely hilarious.

Hey, did you know I have another blog?

It's true, I am totally blog cheating on you, and for some time now!  I thought I had mentioned it before, but if not, you can read my twice-weekly thoughts on beauty and skincare over on the Zeno blog, at:  http://blog.myzeno.com. 

Seriously--  this has been going on since last year!   You might want to go over there and read some of my strange rantings on beauty habits and products-- I might even mention some of you!

Actually, I do mention some of you, so you better go over there and read it.

DOUBLE RAINBOW GUY IS GIVING ME REACTION ENVY

Yesterday I was in Connecticut -- I don't know if you knew this, but apparently there was this freaky thunderstorm-severe weather warning going on in Connecticut and some of New Jersey, and suddenly I looked up and there was this groovy double rainbow, so I went "huh, a double rainbow," and took a picture with my phone, like you do.

Cool, right?

When I told Stephan about my double rainbow experience, he asked if I was kidding, or if I had seen the double rainbow guy on YouTube and was purposely making fun of him, and I was like "What double rainbow guy?  I saw a double rainbow-- that's why I'm bringing it up."

Then I was all curious-- who's the double rainbow guy?  So, then of course I had to go and watch this clip:

Just -- oh my God.   Maybe I am just cynical, or maybe this guy is so high on mushrooms he thinks he's lucky the leprechaun, or maybe he's just special.  I kind of feel inadequate now that when I saw that double rainbow, I only went "huh."  In fact, I have to be totally honest here-- the only way I would scream like that is if I won $20 million in the lottery, and even then I don't know if I could keep it up for that long.  Probably I could.

And then there's the autotune the news guys, who took the double rainbow on YouTube guy and made him into a song so catchy I cannot get it out of my head.

Today's Funny Strange is....a cartoon about the "Mel and Oksana" situation.

The other day I had an idea for a blog post, but I had no idea how to really express it in words, so I drew it in a cartoon.  Please don't make fun of my novice cartooning skills.   It's just a hobby, though if you like it, maybe I'll try to make some more and incorporate it into the Funny Strange library of wacky things.

 

Get it?  She's a SPY......

Um, did no one at Funny or Die watch Punk'd?

Dude-- I wanted this blog post to be all about this extremely entertaining piece of insider gossip I heard about Mel Gibson this week, but SORRY, can't share it, friend asked me not to tell anyone.  Too bad, because it was a nice tidbit.  Maybe I will have to start on another "Hollywood Car Wash" style book, which is what I did the LAST time people told me dishy things I wasn't supposed to tell other people.

So, I'm sure by now you've seen this Funny or Die video of Jewel dressing up like someone else and singing her own songs at a karaoke bar.  If not, perhaps take a moment to watch it now!

Undercover Karaoke with Jewel from Jewel

Hmm.....first of all, yes, Jewel is a lovely girl and a fine singer, and can I just say that I'm happy for her that she has a new album coming out and seems to have gotten her teeth fixed? Good for her. But-- ok. The Funny or Die piece.  Full disclosure:  they shot this piece at our former favorite karaoke dive the Gas Lite in Santa Monica (right there on Wilshire), where we actually had Stephan's 40th birthday party, and where, oh my God, you can usually see some INSANE people doing karaoke-- not "insane" like they're so good, but "insane" like they're actually mentally ill. Some of them are so crazy, we had names for them, like "Muppety Mike," who is either singing karaoke or having some kind of epileptic fit or perhaps an enhanced Tourette's episode. Or maybe the wheelchair-bound little person we called "Murderball" BECAUSE HE TOLD US TO, or the German performance-art type guy who loves performing Cars songs. Do you think I'm kidding? Oh, I am so glad for your doubt, because it allows me to show these hilarious clips that I myself shot at the Gas Lite, because the clip that they show of the guy doing karaoke at the Gas Lite isn't NEARLY WACKY ENOUGH to demonstrate the true absurdity: Yup. Here is a guy doing a positively TERRIBLE version of "Minute by Minute." It makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. He doesn't really get started until the 19-second mark, but boy is it worth it.  Just, oh my God. Here's the thing with that Jewel video-- WHERE'S THE BIG REVEAL THAT KAREN IS REALLY JEWEL? Of course you can tell the people are dumbfounded that there's a person who can actually sing-- THEY'RE AT THE GAS LITE, ok? I get how this is a good gag, and I love the looks on the people's faces, but I have to take issue with the actual narrative structure of the joke, in that she comes back in as Jewel, and ok, the audience MIGHT get it because they seem to be chanting ""KAREN, KAREN," but clearly some of them didn't get the joke, because as you can see, the "Funny or Die" guys have to spell it out for a few people at the end. Like, wouldn't it have made more sense for her to pull her wig and fake nose off at the end of the standing ovation she got as "Karen"? This gag lacks the dramatic flair of an episode of "Punk'd," like the one where they told Justin Timberlake he lost all his money, and they let it go on for a little too long, and then they told him he got Punk'd, and he was so relieved/ pissed, etc, etc. I don't even like that show, but I have to commend Ashton Kutcher on creating a fine dramatic arc in each episode-- one that could have really been followed much better in this "Jewel does karaoke" joke.

Also, I don't know why I find this weird-- why did she have to sing only her own songs?  She's Jewel-- she can't do a nice cover of "White Lightening" like everyone else at the bar?  Who sings a Jewel song at karaoke anymore?

Yeah yeah yeah, I'm a total spoil sport, it was funny, Jewel is awesome, I get it.   Seriously though-- is this weird to anyone else, or have you at least enjoyed my video clips of the other fine talent on display at the Gas Lite?