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Friday, May 09, 2008

Bad Idea...Brand Edition

Capncrunchshake Recently there was an article in Business Week about how Starbucks is going back to its old logo for a couple of months to try to restore consumer faith in the brand.  I would like to go on record as saying that I predicted a loss of faith the very moment (in 2006, to be exact) I noticed that Starbucks had branched out to serving Egg McMuffin-style breakfast sandwiches as well as coffee and coffee-related items.   I don’t know why this bugged me so much, apart from the fact that I really like Starbucks (and we own some of their stock), and I just didn’t really like the idea of them trying to do it all.    I was actually thinking about doing a whole top ten list about this, but when I mentioned this to a few people, they were like “hey man--- what do you have against expansion?  Don’t you think Starbucks can do it all?  Look at Costco!”

And now – ha!  It turns out I was right.  Not only is Starbucks taking the iffy-looking, microwavable sandwiches off the menu and closing some of the stores they opened in their bull market, mass expansion frenzy, but they’re going “back to their mission statement of coffee and community.”  I like it when theories I have about the business world end up coming to pass.  And by the way, for the record—“doing everything” is part of Costco’s mission, which is why they can sell everyting from dog food to prescription drugs to lawn furniture to diamond engagnement rings and still not be overextending their brand.  They do that on purpose.  And by the way, I am aware of the fact that it’s imperative for brands to expand in order to keep businesses vital.  I’m only talking about the rare occasions when they do it in a way that doesn’t work, and the product or service starts to call attention to itself by being out of place. 

Anyhow, since I turned out to be right about the ‘bucks and their overexpansion, I broke out this list I’ve been keeping of companies and/ or products that I think have jumped the shark, meaning they’ve tried to expand too much, and now it’s getting a little bit funny.

These are in no particular order, and all happen to be food related, but only because I didn’t see anything amusing in recent business news about how, say, Honda is making personal computers.  Believe me, if I’d seen something like that, I’d be all over it.  I did see something in Forbes about Yahoo possibly developing coffee shops, and if that happens, please come back and see me. 

1. Dunkin Donuts adds “healthy” options such as multigrain bagels and lite lattes to their menu, and launches a “healthy” ad campaign featuring Rachel Ray.  Ok, this is just my opinion, but healthy food on the menu or not, I really think the battle is over the minute you’ve walked inside a Dunkin’ Donuts store.  If you want a multigrain bagel and a lite latte, Dunkin’ Donuts is NEVER going to be your go-to place.  Sorry.  It’s not that I don’t admire their initiative, but let’s get this thing clear—it’s not like you’re going to go to a strip club for a scintillating conversation.  I give the “healthy products” portion of the Dunkin’ Donuts menu 6 months to a year, and then the junior executive that came up with this marketing strategy is gone.

2. Starbucks – yes, I’m picking on them again, because right after they announced the scale back and return to basics, then they turned around and added smoothies to their menu.  This still smacks of brand confusion to me, and I know that they’re still trying “menu expansion” as their strategy to fend off falling profits, but I still think the “back to basics” alone might have been enough.  Plus,  I love this quote from a financial analyst who’s covering both Starbucks and Jamba Juice:  “…even if Starbucks rolled out literally the best smoothies available in America, wiping Jamba Juice off the face of the earth and converting every last one of their customers, that would still increase revenue by just 11 percent. And the reality, of course, will be far more modest.”

I don’t know why, but this hyperbolic language amuses me a little bit.  “Literally the best smoothies in America?  And “Wiping Jamba Juice off the face of the Earth?”  Dude, are we still talking about bananas and fro-yo?    I see his point, though—even if this strategy succeeds, muddling the brand is still going to cost them.  That’s my whole point!

3. Carl’s Jr. – this one is less of a brand expansion problem (though, I have to admit I am questioning the combination of  Carl’s Jr. and the Green Burrito) and more of an “I think this product sounds gross.”  Did you know that Carl’s is selling a Cap’n Crunch milkshake now?  That doesn’t sound delicious OR good for you.  For 740 calories and 35 grams of fat, I’m going to need some chocolate, and I think most of America will agree.   

4. Ice Coffee at McDonald’s.   Again, I’m not saying they CAN’T do this—I’m just wondering whether they can really do it well.  Plus, at $1.89, it’s not that much cheaper than just getting the ice coffee at Starbucks, where you know it’s going to be good.    I do know, however, that I’m not going to go to McDonald’s specifically for the ice coffee, so I can say from first-hand experience that they’re not re-converting me as a customer from this effort. 

5. Peter Griffin (the overweight dad from Family Guy) in Subway advertisements, promoting their new “Subway Feast.”  This is puzzling to me—hasn’t Subway built their entire reputation for being a healthy alternative to fast food?  Now they want to claim that they have unhealthy food as well?  It just seems weird that they’re trying to have it both ways.  We’re keeping you healthy!  We’re making you fat!  No—we’re keeping you healthy!

See—I like to keep  you guessing.  You come here for the funny, and sometimes  I give you some brand analysis and strategy.  Yeah, I read Business Week, people.  Did you think I could consult for Johnson & Johnson for eight years and not know some stuff about branding?  Internet, you have underestimated me!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

New Tivo Technology-- So Cool!

Images OK, I'm going to warn you-- ocassionally I have a total geeky tech moment, and I feel compelled to share it here, so I've made a new category.  Maybe you don't know, but I work on websites and am interested in advances in technology.  I'm not sure whether this officially counts as "funny" or "strange," but it IS interesting, and I thought it was worth mentioning.  So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The other night we were watching a Tivo'd episode of House when I noticed something so cool, I'm surprised no one thought of it before.  By cool, I mean "moderately annoying to the tv watcher," but cool that the tech people finally figured it out, since advertisers have been kvetching about lost revenue from people not watching commercials for so long.  Maybe you've noticed this too-- the people at Tivo have figured out how to embed some nifty pop-up style technology into their interface, so that when you try to zap through the commercials, the message appears OVER the commercial you're fast-forwarding.  I think this is the rough equivalent of the push technology employed by web designers who force a pop-up when they don't want you to leave their website just yet.  I have to say-- I'm SHOCKED that no one came up with this before.   I mean, we've all had Tivo for what, five years now, and marketing/ tech people are just now finding ways to force you to see their message anyway?  Wow.

Has anyone else noticed this?  Has this been around for awhile, and I'm just now paying attention?  Granted, we don't watch that much tv (even on Tivo), so they could've rolled this out without my knowing.  The commercial in question was a 24 Hour fitness commercial, that then pushed an offer you could find out more about by using the green "thumbs up" button on your Tivo.  That's nuts!

So, congratulations to whatever clever programmer at Tivo who finally got this to work.  Now, I'd really like to debate the user-friendliness of a feature called "Swivel Search," but that's a whole different post.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Scars of Summer, Volume I

Oh yes, summer has begun, and do you know how I know?  It’s because now that I’m not wearing coats all the time, I have to be more aware of putting on sunscreen so that when I go outside, I don’t end up with a total farmer tan/ sunburn that looks like this:

Farmertan_2 Yiiikes!   You know that when you start out the summer with one of these, then you actually have to put some thought into, like “I’m putting lower SPF sunscreen on the top, and higher-SPF on the bottom,” so that eventually you can wear a sleeveless shirt without looking like a big weirdo.    I am not one of those fortunate people who can just go out and get a tan, so it takes a few months for me to even get myself to a “summer” like color.  And my legs?  Forget about it.  So white they make children scream.  On the bright side, when I’m 95 I’ll still have the skin of, say, an 85 year old because of my regular sunscreen use.

Here’s the other thing about summer—every year, for some reason, I get a new pair of “summer” type shoes that then end up scraping and scratching my feet into oblivion.  And now I’m going to show a photo that, if you’re grossed out by this kind of thing, you definitely should not “enlarge.”  Here are my feet after I bought new shoes, then proceeded to (unwisely) walk seven miles in – maybe to break them in?  It’s really unclear.  Is there a “summer foot care” guidebook that I missed?

Toes Oh, and if you’re thinking of commenting on the fact that I have a freakishly long second toe that is not unlike the hand of a monkey, keep in mind that a toe of that length can also be used to pinch, sometimes quite painfully.    I’m not saying I actually will pinch you with my toe, but just remember it’s a skill I have (along with hanging upside down from trees and playing the piano.  Just kidding.  But, I know—the toes are long, and the feet are pale.  But I'll thank you to recognize that I've got my pedicure together in time for summer).

Again—yiiiikes!  You know these blisters are now going to have to be taped up until they heal, then I’ll have to have another go with the offending shoes.  If there is a better way to break in shoes, I would love to know it, because I recall spending more than one summer in New York walking around, then cleaning the blood from the inside of my shoes, all because I didn’t want to be one of those women who wears white sneakers to walk around, then changes when they get there.  No no no! 

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Funny Strange Podcast Alert!

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Funny Strange:  the light and fluffy pastry of podcasts.  This week:  what would happen if Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty had a baby, Mariah Carey's marriage, places where you will NOT find celebrities in Los Angeles, and amusing impressions of everyone from Robert Seigel to Peter Griffin from Family Guy.  Click here to start the magic!

Wow-- dig that jean jacket!

Friday, May 02, 2008

Why Dontcha Tell Us What Is It......You Do Here?

Officespace301_embed Don’t ask me why, but one of my hugest pet peeves is the party line of the civil service toady, who clearly can’t think for themselves or try to make the world a better place by challenging absurd rules, so they lazily fall back on ignorant, outdated laws and doctrines, try not to rock the boat, mark their time, and don’t even raise their heads above the collective non-consciousness of their orgnizations to have a real conversation.  That kind of complacency gets under my skin and always has—it’s slovenly, weak, and can even be dangerous at times.  My whole life, it’s really bothered me when people blindly follow rules without even attempting to question them.   This is probably why I work for myself, and why I try to stay within the bounds of acceptable behavior, so I won’t have to spend time dealing with nonsensical nonsense, the likes of which drove Dostoevsky to drink at the office, just to get through the day.

I am, of course, speaking of the shady shakedown I experienced this week, when a city I used to live in charged me an outrageous fee for not having a business license I didn’t know I needed (because, like, I'm not selling ice cream on the street) then refused to even READ the letter of appeal I wrote on my own behalf which indicated this lack of knowledge, and asked the very logical question-- "How does a regular person KNOW they need a business license, if no one tells them?"  I'm sure no one is motivated to answer this question, because if the line of communication were clear, then they wouldn't have so many opportunities to penalize people within an inch of their lives for not knowing something that no one told them, you know what I'm saying?

“Nope, sorry—nothing we can do.”  “Ooohhh….tough lesson.  Sorry.”  Statements like these during the back and forth drove me almost to the brink, and caused my face to be stuck in a look so surly that when Stephan came home from work yesterday, he was like “Wow—that can’t be good.  Are you going to keep making that face?  Yikes!”   

It was at that point that I realized I was probably shortening my own life (and definitely giving myself wrinkles) by dwelling too much on a problem, so I went for a loooong walk and tried to let it go.  But, DAMN.    So…..frustrating!  The last thing I'll say on this is that if you're that person and you work in that office and you Googled me and are now reading this, I think you need a different job, because the one you have is making you accrue bad karmic credit points.  Shame on you!

Aahhhh, now I feel better.  See?  I can let it go. 

On another note, did you hear that Nick Cannon (that kid from Drumline) might have married Mariah Carey?  That is nuts, and here’s why:  Mariah Carey is a 39 year old woman who named her last three albums “Rainbows, Butterflies, and The Emancipation of Mimi,” respectively.  If she’s not the biggest, most high-maintenance, ordering three bowls of hand-sorted pink M & M’s in her dressing room diva, I will eat a bug.  And why any 27 year old in his right mind would want to take that on, I can’t for the life of me figure out.  It has to be a publicity stunt, and I say that because it is no coincidence that they’re starring in her new video together, and that she was just on Oprah promoting her new album, and now their supposed wedding is on People Magazine's website.  I think this all falls under the heading of "no publicity is bad publicity" myself.  Maybe he’s getting paid to just be on “boyfriend tour” with her or something, until the publicity dies down.  Or maybe, if they really did get married, she’ll give him his own room in her three-story Tribeca apartment, where she sleeps in the steam room in order to keep her voice supple.  Yiiiiiiikes!  Nick Cannon!  Run for your life!

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