The Groovy Schwartzman

The Groovy Schwartzman is back by popular demand!  Now, with new additions, both to the "regular names" and "celebrity names" section....feel free to reply with more!

It starts with cupcakes. My friend being due to deliver her first child in three weeks, invites friends for drinks, presents, and Magnolia Bakery cupcakes festooned with "It's a Boy!" lollipops. I go, hoping I'm not the one there who's never changed a diaper. Gifts are opened. Oohing and aahing ensues. Things are wrapping up when the conversation turns, for some reason, to strange baby names. We were talking about the chosen name for the baby (Gus) when for almost no reason, I red-haired girl named Kim fired the first shot. "I once knew a girl named Honey Darling.. her sister was named Sweetie." One guy said he'd gone to school with a Donald Duckles. Having gone to school in California, I'm fairly confident that I can at least participate in this game on a meaningful level. In my high school alone, there was a girl named River Hudson, a girl named Nectar Rose, and a boy named Guy Wilde. The group is just catching its breath when a very tall girl next to me who hasn't said anything the whole party says quiety "I've got a good one." We were intrigued. Could she top Donald Duckles? "In my high school there was this girl who lived on a commune when she was a kid...her best friend on the commune was name Groovy Nipples Schwartzman. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman. Her brother's name was (is) Freekus Polekus. Freekus Polekus Schwartzman. Ah, it's like I've taken a bite of a dessert I didn't even know existed. These names are so funny....they hurt. I've entered a fugue state for these names. This is officially the best baby shower ever. Perhaps it is best to quantify the impact of this revelatory name on my life by referring to the "before Groovy Nipples" and "after Groovy Nipples" time periods. The name is, quite simply, the greatest thing I've ever heard. Groovy Nipples is a crisp $100 bill I've just found in my wallet, and I cannot wait to share it with the world. My mind is racing. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman? What is this girl doing now? Is she a lawyer, called G.N. Schwartzman? What does she say when people ask what the initials stand for? Does she go by G. Nipples Schwartzman, Attorney at Law? Or, did she go to the other end of the spectrum and change her name to Lisa? What possible profession or life circumstance were her parents preparing her for with this name? The party is over, but I can't stop thinking about Groovy Nipples. I call my husband, and he hangs up on me when he begins to laugh so hard he has to kneel down on the sidewalk to catch his breath. His calls his mother, then his best friend, who says he hopes Freekus Polekus kept his name and is a rabbi now. The Rabbi Freekus is now on my list. The next day, I tell someone at a business meeting, and they have to excuse themself to call his sister. The Groovy Schwartzman strikes again! It's the most useful thing since the Swiss Army Knife! Equal parts ice breaker, party game, and sensibility litmus test. The Groovy Schwartzman slices! It dices! It makes very small ice cubes! I start telling people about the Groovy Schwartzman, just to see if they laugh. If they don't, I seriously consider friend divorcing them. Months later, my father in law will yell in a restaurant, "If you don't think Groovy Nipples is funny, I don't just not like you. I HATE YOU. Groovy Nipples is funny! It's funny!" But perhaps the greatest part of the Groovy Schwartzman is the panoply of names I've collected, just from people who want to play the game. Feel free to comment with your best ones!

1. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman
2. Freekus Polekus Schwartzman
3. Donald Duckles
4. Honey Darling
5. Sweetie Darling
6. River Hudson
7. Blueberry Pancake
8. Thankful Vander Star
9. Hopeful Vander Star
10. Browne Greene (father)
11. Blue Greene (daughter)
12. Violet Greene (daugher)
13. Guy Wilde
14. Jackson Fastaction
15. Gay Peoples

Celebrities also have alot of good ones....here are a few:

Bob Geldof's kids:
1. Heavanly Hirani Tigerlily
2. Peaches Honeyblossom
3. Fifi Trixibelle
4. Pixie

****

5. Moxie Crimefighter (daughter of Teller from Penn and Teller)
6. Audio Science (child of actress Shannyn Sossaman)
7. Banjo (son of actress Rachel Griffiths)
8. Moon Unit (daughter of the late Frank Zappa)
9. Dweezil (brother of above Moon Unit)
10. Speck (son of John "not Cougar anymore" Mellencamp)
11. Hud (other son of non-Cougar)
12. Rebel, Rocket, and Racer Rodriguez (three sons of director Robert Rodriguez)

This post has been so popular, I'm adding another category: names which aren't weird, but are slightly unfortunate. These are all real.

1. Dr. Deth
2. Dr. Cocksburn (a urologist)
3. Jeff Noballs
4. Sharon Thys (pronounced THIGHS)
5. Brian Cram (see below)

Comments

[Danielle, CBB Editor]

My friend Michelle who grew up in Kentucky SWEARS she knew a Lemonjello and a Marijuana. She also knew an old lady whose name was simply "Baby Sistah" because she was the youngest child in the family.

Michelle's name is weird too- her mom named her after her grandmother's friend Yulawnder pronounced Yolanda. Needless to say, my friend now goes by her middle name.

[Kymberlie R. McGuire]

I went to school with a girl who was named Honey Dawn Hoppe. She was dating a boy who's last name was Farmer, so we always joked she'd be a Honey Farmer.

One of my clients at a big company was this woman well into her sixties who's name was - I kid you not - Gay Peoples.

[Lori Culwell]

Gay Peoples is darn good. I will have to add these to the list!

[Incertus]

My ex brother-in-law's full name was Clairville Sylveste Chauvin III. We called his Sonny--until the divorce. Then we called him dickhead.

[Katie Rodda]

My mom had a student named Lasagna. I'm not kidding.

[Jerry Kindall]

Well, it's not quite on the level of any of these, but I knew a woman whose last name was "Moehs," pronounced "Mays." She married a guy named "Baetz," pronounced "Bates." So she went from having a common-sounding name she had to spell, to having a different common-sounding name she had to spell.

Another woman I know had a middle name of Lynn (which she used) and ended up marrying a guy named Lynn, making her Tammy Lynn Lynn.

[Mike Wolfe]

I grew up in Sonoma County CA with a Freakus
Paulekus. I'm trying to get a hold of his brother Sky Paulekus. If you can help me please phone me at 714-206-4685.

I miss my old best friend

Mike Wolfe

[Arlene Houghton]

Groovy Nipples and Freakus Paulikus went to school with my children here in N. Ca. (Sonoma County) And yes, Sky was the other brother - might have been Sky Blue? Their father I believe was a Merry Prankster or with the Hog Farm. He died a few years back. Also, Freakus had changed his name by the time he was in junior college.
I knew one young woman who was given the name of a poisonous mushroom!

[sharon]

there's a politian where i live called DICK SPRING. i also know a woman called ETA KIDNEY.

[Naomi]

Nothing comes close to Groovy Nipples, but some friends of mine named their son Jack Daniel Glass without thinking it through, and I went to school with James Bond (he was blonde with a bit of a bobble head and knobbly knees). Also, I knew a guy called Eric Shen (think about it ...).

[Cindy]

I am not joking here, there is a little baby girl out in Oklahoma who was named Shithead (pronounced "shy thead") :P This is just disgusting. I mean, how much can you hate your baby to do that to them???

[me! me!]

yes, I went to school with Groovy, she was a lot older than Freakus. The whole family was really, really nice, but they all had really unique names.

I totally agree life is like b.gn and a.gn. Nothing has ever topped those two, and I find great pleasure to see it is even blogged about...

[Anon Y. Mous]

just FYI, Groovy Nipples Schwartzman passed away this week. I'm not telling you this to rain all over the humor in your story or anything like that, just thought that you might want to know since your site was one of the first results that came up when I looked online for information.

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers; for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

[Pooprock Jones]

Uh oh, a baby name thread.

*scans quickly*

Lemonjelo and/or Orangelo reference?

check.

Shithead?

got it.