This will probably not surprise you, but in the course of my regular week I tend to hear alot of rather absurd and funny things. This week I kept a list, and I thought I would share, just to give you a Friday laugh.
Things That Have Come to My Attention This Week (Mostly Quotes, Mostly from Unreliable Sources)
Sunday-- I get an email from someone I haven't talked to in a loooong time, telling me to watch out for the black helicopters of Scientology outside my house. This is the type of comment that people think is going to help me out at this point in my life. Um, thanks.
Monday-- someone calls to interview me about the book, and in the course of this interview, this person says: "You know, I heard Paris Hilton has a club that you can only get into by flashing your vag to the paparazzi."
Fantastic. First of all, this makes me feel old, like "in my day, we never left the house without underpants on" old. Secondly, does this mean that Paris Hilton is only friends with super-famous women? It might. Funny, nonetheless. Also funny because it came from an actual reporter, and not just one of my gossipy friends.
Tuesday-- I watch the finale of the Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, then am amused to see that in the closing number, when the winner of the eight week long, nationally televised competition (we'll call her ASIA, for that is her name) is added to the group, it becomes painfully clear that even though she won, ASIA is seriously now just a backup dancer, and the lead singer of the PCD, Nicole, whose contract clearly mandates that she have more screen time than all the other group members combined, basically steals the whole show. Sad, but somehow appropriate, in keeping with the whole ethos of this show, in which talented young women KILL themselves singing and dancing in order to become clones in Robin Antin's PCD empire. Outstanding.
Wednesday-- again, I'm on the phone, and someone says "You know, I heard American Idol is a conspiracy by the U.S. Government to divert our attention from the war in Iraq."
What's funny about this is that anyone actually thinks our government could actually be ORGANIZED enough to pull off something as spectacularly successful as American Idol, and yet be losing a war at the same time. This is the U.S. Government we're talking about here, people. Unless Simon Cowell is some kind of freaky Special Ops undercover guy, sadly I don't think they could pull this one off.
Thursday-- I get an email from someone I know at one of the celebrity magazines (hi J!), asking me if this "blind item" in Page Six is about me:
"What chick lit author was so hung over on Sunday morning that she vomited into her sleeve in church?"
Not me, but seriously funny that I'm on his list of possibilities, right?
Friday-- Someone leaves my book a FANTASTIC review on BN.com, but only gives it four stars (instead of the five you might expect if someone thought the book was fantastic). For some reason, this makes my sales ranking go DOWN instead of up. Apparently a book with NO STARS will sell better than a book with FOUR STARS, in case you're ever selling books. So remember, if you like my book, be sure to leave it FIVE STARS, or else people will misinterpret your FOUR STARS to mean that you didn't like it, and this will make them NOT scroll all the way down to read the nice things you wrote. Because these are the kinds of things I worry about now, along with Paris Hilton, American Idol as a government conspiracy, and whether I not I go to church.
Over and out!