Celebrity Smug

Top Ten Most Smug Celebrities

I started this list after seeing this photo of Elizabeth Hasselbeck that made me, for some reason, want to punch her in the face. It’s not that I’m usually the violent type—it’s just something about that woman that makes me want to hit. I added her to my list of “the world’s most smug celebrities”—a list I will share with you now.

By smug, of course, I mean that these are the people who do NOT seem down to earth, like they’d be your friend if they weren’t a famous person. These are the people who, if you ran into them, would seriously be like “Hi—I’m better than you.” I think this kind of attitude is very wrong, since basically these guys just have a job that pays a little more than yours and is a little bit higher exposure. And while I get the whole “need for security against the paparazzi” and “want to have their own private lives” thing, I think there is a way to handle this, and I don’t think it has to do with telling people what to do, and smiling like you’re better than everyone.  Over the weekend, someone mentioned adding Al Gore to this list because of that way he has of talking, like he’s condescending to you, but I don’t find that to be true about him—and hey, he did just win the Nobel Prize, so maybe he knows something.

Top Ten Smug Celebrities

# 1 & # 2 Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Just…..so…..smug. Everything about them says “we’re better than you! We’re rich and you’re not!” Sarah Vowell had this great quote in one of her essays about how it would never even occur to Michael Douglas even play a poor person in a movie. Both of them seem like they’ve had a huge amount of plastic surgery, but they’re going to insist that they just look that good. Also, I completely believe the rumor that she’s at least 10 years older than she admits to being. Just….come on.

 

# 3 Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Not only is she a Republican, she’s like a housewife from the 1950’s. She was on Survivor for five minutes, then got married to a football player, immediately changed her name, and soon will have two little kids—and she’s not even thirty. This look on her face says it all—“I have everything figured out. My values are in place. It's what women are SUPPOSED to do.....I’m better than you.” Women like this set the women’s movement back. 

# 4 Anne Coulter. She’s probably doing this whole “I’m a flaming conservative” thing on purpose, and probably the best way for me to make her go away is to just ignore her. But…she bugs me. She says inflammatory stuff just so she’ll get press, and this is the opposite of making the world a better place. She just has this look on her face like she’s about to tell you how wrong and stupid you are, and that pisses me off.  I can't put up her picture, because....I just can't. 

# 5 Tom Cruise. I hate to put him on this list, because a) Katie Holmes is my best friend, and b) I really liked him in Jerry Maguire, but Tom Cruise really thinks he knows how to live your life better than you do. The whole anti-depressant thing really turned me off—like, why is this his business? Actually, I think it’s just that he’s so vocal about Scientology now. I really feel like religion should be your own private business, even if it’s really helped you live your own life better. Good for you, but the minute you go trying to tell other people what to do, then you’re on the smug list. I will say, though, that he and Katie Holmes (my best friend) seem like they have a very nice relationship, and that Suri Cruise is just precious and seems like a well-raised child. See? I can say nice things about smug people.

# 6 Simon Cowell. Again, I think he’s doing this on purpose, as a brand, but sometimes he seems to enjoy insulting those kids on American Idol a little too much. When I see clips of him on “The Soup,” I just find myself wanting someone to give him Rohypnol, take him to a casino, and make him bet his entire fortune on unlucky hands of blackjack, just so he’ll be humbled and have to work his way back up.  I really respect him as a businessman and entrepreneur-- I just think he goes a little too far with the "mean guy" persona. 

# 7 Martha Stewart. She used to be # 1 until she went to jail and knitted that poncho, then I decided to give her a break. But, to this day, she seems like she would come into your house that you just cleaned, look around slowly, and just sigh.  Her demeanor says to me “Oh—do you not know how to make a crisp onion tartlet and put it on a plate garnished with a gingham napkin and a sprig of paprika that you grew yourself?  Then you might as well kill yourself. And that’s a good thing.”

# 8 George Bush. I didn’t want this list to be all about this, but just….my God. This guy has seriously never been to a grocery store or pumped his own gas, but he puts on this “aw shucks good ol’ boy façade,” and it totally fools everyone. He’s a rich kid frat boy who has always been able to do whatever he wants, and now he’s doing just that, on a larger scale, with real people’s lives. Get it straight—he doesn’t care about you, or your kids, or maybe anything. He’s just a schoolyard bully who thinks he’s better than you, and can do whatever he wants. And for some reason, the American public has agreed with him for eight years. Yikes. That little grin on his face means he knows what’s best for you, so just keep goin’ to work, and doin’ his biddin’ for him, ya hear? Guess what? He hates you.  No picture on this one.  No no no!

# 9 Donald Trump. Does it on purpose, so you kind of have to respect it because it’s part of his brand. But….did you ever see this picture of him with his supermodel wife, holding one of his kids? He totally looks like “yeah—that’s right. I have money and you don’t. Suck it.”



# 10 Jennifer Lopez. She is bugging me less now that she married Marc Anthony, who she clearly must love, because while he’s got a killer voice, he looks like the Cryptkeeper. Still, the whole “stonewalling the press about your obvious pregnancy” thing is just ridiculous to me. Jennifer Lopez worked her way all the way up the celebrity ladder with mediocre singing, dancing, and acting abilities, on the sheer force of an ambition so naked, early photos of her practically scream “I’ll do anything for fame!” Now she gets there, and she’s all about her privacy. Respect her privacy! She wants privacy now! Don’t ask about her baby! You’re insulting her! I get celebrities who want to just have their baby in private, so they just stay out of the spotlight for a year or so (Jodie Foster, etc). But….to be giving a ton of press for your concert and new album, so to essentially put yourself out there for public consumption, then to be a complete bitch to everyone who asks about your totally obvious condition? Smug. Smugly. “Buy my shit, but I don’t want to tell you anything about myself” smug.

# 11 Barbra Streisand.  She should be further up on the list because of her insane smugitude, but I'd already numbered the entries, she's down here.  I have a good friend who is a Streisand fanatic, and even SHE was turned off by Babs' condescending political rant during her shows, which my friend paid, like $500 each for tickets to see.  Apparently the rant was rehearsed, right down to when Babs sat down on her little chair and spoke about what's wrong with the government.  As Stephan says "Barbra Streisand makes me ashamed to be a liberal."

# 12 Alex Trebec.  Ashley put this one in, and I have to agree. Trebec is just SO condescending when the people on Jeopardy! get the answers wrong, you want to shake him and go "YOU HAVE THE ANSWERS ON NOTECARDS, YOU BASTARD."  It also bugs me when he overpronounces the French words in the answers so that you'll know he's French-Canadian.

Comments

[Katie]

OK, I have a few very necessary additions to this list.

Jennifer Love-Hewitt. Why, why, why, does she still have a career? She had a small part on a series, like, ten years ago. As far as I can tell, her only assets are her enormous boobs and, apparently, her good management team who has, for some reason, kept her in the spotlight. "Look, I have a better career than any of the actors from Party of Five!"

Victoria Beckham. OK, she was a Spice Girl, like, ten years ago. She weighs about 80 pounds. Her husband is totally hot. But why oh why is she still getting all this infernal press? Seriously. Her "Welcome to LA" party "thrown" by Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes (your bff), Jada Pinkett Smith & Will Smith? Are you kidding me? Smuggy smugness!

[Rachel]

Oh, I totally have to agree about Jennifer Love Hewitt. Mostly because it annoys the shit out of me that her middle name is Love and apparently her friends call her Love. Gross. I mean, if my friend was named Love, I'd probably do the same thing, but my friends aren't annoying, so it'd be ok.