Funny Strange....

Also, Mischa Barton is a Bad Actress

We went out of town for a few days to attend Stephan's Grammie's 100th birthday party and so I could prepare my cranium for National Novel Writing Month, so I haven't been around much to think of an appropriately witty retort to the "Mischa-gate" controversy of last week.   

You know, the great thing about free speech is that here on my little corner of the Internet, I can say whatever I want, including the fact that I think Mischa Barton was stupid for quitting The O.C. before it ended, and also, the fact that I might have erroneously left out, that I think she is a terrible actress, and that she was lucky to even get that job.  I mean, so bad that it made me not even want to watch that show.  That girl is a classic case of "pretty, but terrible actress," and you could tell they were giving her acting lessons during the show but she still wasn't getting any more natural. 

Watch the Mischa Barton Fan Club start a thread in their forum about how much they don't like me.

Friday: Tidbits

***Stephan's Grammie's birthday was yesterday!  She's now 100 years old!  Because she's cool like that, she's having three birthday parties, got interviewed by her local news, and got letters from The White House and Willard Scott.  Ah yeah!  We're going to the big party this weekend!

***Jamba Juice is offering a new type of "smoothie"-- one that has granola in it.  Not only does this sound disgusting and like it wouldn't go through a straw, but, um, wouldn't this technically have to be called a "crunchie?"

***Mischa Barton's fan club is EXTREMELY upset with me for calling their golden girl "unemployed" on Wednesday.  Several of them have written in to inform me that Mischa Barton has EIGHT MOVIES IN DEVELOPMENT, and several modelling contracts.  But, here's the deal-- that list was about people who threw away a good thing, like your darling Mischa Anne did when she quit The O.C.   And since I'm pretty sure my Starbucks guy has EIGHT MOVIES IN DEVELOPMENT and I haven't seen her actually working since 2006, I'll take back "unemployed," but I'm leaving her on the stupid people list.  Sorry!

*** You know that costume store called "Aaahs"?  I'm not even sure that's a good name for a store, but that's beside the point.  This week I walked by that store, and there was a guy dressed like a security guard standing out front, and this made me laugh for two reasons.  First, because it's Halloween, so he could have just been a guy in a costume from the store, so his guarding presence was really diluted in that situation, and second, because do they really need a security guard stationed outside of "Aaahs"?  Like, are that many people trying to abscond with Spiderman costumes, that they need an armed guard (or maybe just a guy dressed like one)?  Doesn't it seem sadly ironic that the very time they might need such a guard might be the time he'd have to stand outside in costume--on Halloween, thereby invalidating his authority?  I'm just sayin'....

***The topic of Funny Strange Live today is "People With Names Like Groovy Nipples and Jackson Fastaction."  Also, we have alot of stuff to rant about, so this should be a good sow.

Whiskey and Diapers

As if to stoke the fire of “I really don’t want to have kids of my own” in my mind, people have started saying things to me that seem like they’re trying to warn me not to have them. Over the weekend, I was walking my dog on 26^th Street in Santa Monica, when a harried-looking woman with two little kids came out of a store. I’m not kidding, one of the kids (he was maybe 3 or so) came THIS CLOSE to running right out into traffic--- so close that the mom screamed, and I screamed, and I totally thought the kid was toast.

But, just like this was the kind of thing that happens every day, she took the kid by the hand and said “Jonah! Don’t ever do that! You scared mommy!”, then totally went about her business. I was still standing right next to her, so I said “Wow….that was surprising and scary.”  

I’m not joking, she laughed and replied “Oh, that pretty much describes parenthood.”

Other people I know who have little kids are always offering to leave their kids with me, as if to solidify the fact that I don’t want to have any. “Oh my GOD!” they’ll say. “One afternoon with my little guys, and you’ll be 110% sure you don’t want them!” Get this:  I like sleeping and reading, and I like to clean my house once and then have it stay clean. I hate throwing up, I don’t like people who ask the same question over and over again, and I think people in general need to keep their voices down and act more civilized.  This pretty much means I'd either be the meanest, strictest mom in the history of time, or that I'm better off just being a great Auntie who can leave when I get frustrated. Right?  Right?

On another note, you must know how much I love Maddie G, who is pictured above making a silly face-- today we decided she needed some big girl diaper pants, because she's an 18 month old genius who has already gone poop in the potty once (albeit with ALOT of prompting), so I made the trek over to Costco to get some of those.  I like to wait to hit up Costco for diapers until we're also out of booze, so that my shopping cart looks like this:

1 giant bottle of Johnnie Walker Black
2  cases of Amstel Light
Some cheap wine
2 boxes of Size 3 diapers (200 pack)
1 box of big-girl pull up type diapers with Cinderella AND Ariel the mermaid on them (see-- I know about pull up diapers and Disney characters, even though my heart is made of stone).

I do this because I like to let the cashier guy look at all my stuff, look back at me, and say inquisitively "Um....is this all yours?"  Because that just makes me look like a big ol' wino alkie mom, and that makes me laugh.  I have never gone so far as to actually say something like "Them kids is DRIVIN me to drink!", but I'm sure I'll get there.   I find these types of things extremely amusing.  Maddie G. and I have the perfect "Nice Auntie and Me" relationship-- we play and she acts all adorable, and then I give her back when she starts to smell. 
 

Celebrity Smug

Top Ten Most Smug Celebrities

I started this list after seeing this photo of Elizabeth Hasselbeck that made me, for some reason, want to punch her in the face. It’s not that I’m usually the violent type—it’s just something about that woman that makes me want to hit. I added her to my list of “the world’s most smug celebrities”—a list I will share with you now.

By smug, of course, I mean that these are the people who do NOT seem down to earth, like they’d be your friend if they weren’t a famous person. These are the people who, if you ran into them, would seriously be like “Hi—I’m better than you.” I think this kind of attitude is very wrong, since basically these guys just have a job that pays a little more than yours and is a little bit higher exposure. And while I get the whole “need for security against the paparazzi” and “want to have their own private lives” thing, I think there is a way to handle this, and I don’t think it has to do with telling people what to do, and smiling like you’re better than everyone.  Over the weekend, someone mentioned adding Al Gore to this list because of that way he has of talking, like he’s condescending to you, but I don’t find that to be true about him—and hey, he did just win the Nobel Prize, so maybe he knows something.

Top Ten Smug Celebrities

# 1 & # 2 Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Just…..so…..smug. Everything about them says “we’re better than you! We’re rich and you’re not!” Sarah Vowell had this great quote in one of her essays about how it would never even occur to Michael Douglas even play a poor person in a movie. Both of them seem like they’ve had a huge amount of plastic surgery, but they’re going to insist that they just look that good. Also, I completely believe the rumor that she’s at least 10 years older than she admits to being. Just….come on.

 

# 3 Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Not only is she a Republican, she’s like a housewife from the 1950’s. She was on Survivor for five minutes, then got married to a football player, immediately changed her name, and soon will have two little kids—and she’s not even thirty. This look on her face says it all—“I have everything figured out. My values are in place. It's what women are SUPPOSED to do.....I’m better than you.” Women like this set the women’s movement back. 

# 4 Anne Coulter. She’s probably doing this whole “I’m a flaming conservative” thing on purpose, and probably the best way for me to make her go away is to just ignore her. But…she bugs me. She says inflammatory stuff just so she’ll get press, and this is the opposite of making the world a better place. She just has this look on her face like she’s about to tell you how wrong and stupid you are, and that pisses me off.  I can't put up her picture, because....I just can't. 

# 5 Tom Cruise. I hate to put him on this list, because a) Katie Holmes is my best friend, and b) I really liked him in Jerry Maguire, but Tom Cruise really thinks he knows how to live your life better than you do. The whole anti-depressant thing really turned me off—like, why is this his business? Actually, I think it’s just that he’s so vocal about Scientology now. I really feel like religion should be your own private business, even if it’s really helped you live your own life better. Good for you, but the minute you go trying to tell other people what to do, then you’re on the smug list. I will say, though, that he and Katie Holmes (my best friend) seem like they have a very nice relationship, and that Suri Cruise is just precious and seems like a well-raised child. See? I can say nice things about smug people.

# 6 Simon Cowell. Again, I think he’s doing this on purpose, as a brand, but sometimes he seems to enjoy insulting those kids on American Idol a little too much. When I see clips of him on “The Soup,” I just find myself wanting someone to give him Rohypnol, take him to a casino, and make him bet his entire fortune on unlucky hands of blackjack, just so he’ll be humbled and have to work his way back up.  I really respect him as a businessman and entrepreneur-- I just think he goes a little too far with the "mean guy" persona. 

# 7 Martha Stewart. She used to be # 1 until she went to jail and knitted that poncho, then I decided to give her a break. But, to this day, she seems like she would come into your house that you just cleaned, look around slowly, and just sigh.  Her demeanor says to me “Oh—do you not know how to make a crisp onion tartlet and put it on a plate garnished with a gingham napkin and a sprig of paprika that you grew yourself?  Then you might as well kill yourself. And that’s a good thing.”

# 8 George Bush. I didn’t want this list to be all about this, but just….my God. This guy has seriously never been to a grocery store or pumped his own gas, but he puts on this “aw shucks good ol’ boy façade,” and it totally fools everyone. He’s a rich kid frat boy who has always been able to do whatever he wants, and now he’s doing just that, on a larger scale, with real people’s lives. Get it straight—he doesn’t care about you, or your kids, or maybe anything. He’s just a schoolyard bully who thinks he’s better than you, and can do whatever he wants. And for some reason, the American public has agreed with him for eight years. Yikes. That little grin on his face means he knows what’s best for you, so just keep goin’ to work, and doin’ his biddin’ for him, ya hear? Guess what? He hates you.  No picture on this one.  No no no!

# 9 Donald Trump. Does it on purpose, so you kind of have to respect it because it’s part of his brand. But….did you ever see this picture of him with his supermodel wife, holding one of his kids? He totally looks like “yeah—that’s right. I have money and you don’t. Suck it.”



# 10 Jennifer Lopez. She is bugging me less now that she married Marc Anthony, who she clearly must love, because while he’s got a killer voice, he looks like the Cryptkeeper. Still, the whole “stonewalling the press about your obvious pregnancy” thing is just ridiculous to me. Jennifer Lopez worked her way all the way up the celebrity ladder with mediocre singing, dancing, and acting abilities, on the sheer force of an ambition so naked, early photos of her practically scream “I’ll do anything for fame!” Now she gets there, and she’s all about her privacy. Respect her privacy! She wants privacy now! Don’t ask about her baby! You’re insulting her! I get celebrities who want to just have their baby in private, so they just stay out of the spotlight for a year or so (Jodie Foster, etc). But….to be giving a ton of press for your concert and new album, so to essentially put yourself out there for public consumption, then to be a complete bitch to everyone who asks about your totally obvious condition? Smug. Smugly. “Buy my shit, but I don’t want to tell you anything about myself” smug.

# 11 Barbra Streisand.  She should be further up on the list because of her insane smugitude, but I'd already numbered the entries, she's down here.  I have a good friend who is a Streisand fanatic, and even SHE was turned off by Babs' condescending political rant during her shows, which my friend paid, like $500 each for tickets to see.  Apparently the rant was rehearsed, right down to when Babs sat down on her little chair and spoke about what's wrong with the government.  As Stephan says "Barbra Streisand makes me ashamed to be a liberal."

# 12 Alex Trebec.  Ashley put this one in, and I have to agree. Trebec is just SO condescending when the people on Jeopardy! get the answers wrong, you want to shake him and go "YOU HAVE THE ANSWERS ON NOTECARDS, YOU BASTARD."  It also bugs me when he overpronounces the French words in the answers so that you'll know he's French-Canadian.

We Are Fine....

In the "neither funny nor strange category," thanks to everyone who has sent an inquiry regarding our safety and well being!  We are fine and haven't been affected by the numerous fires and/ or windstorms going on in Southern California.   We don't know anyone who has had to evacuate yet, and in fact the only thing we've noticed so far is alot of soot in the air.  So, for now, all is well!  Will let you know if anything further develops.

Also, if you're reading this and you're in one of the areas that are burning right now, stay safe!

Throwing it all away.....

This is a continuation of yesterday's post, where I was talking about people who are grateful to have their jobs.  This is the other side of the spectrum-- the kids who are five minutes from losing everything, and are just going to have to learn their lessons, then end up coming back again when they can be grateful.  Because for me, this whole topic boils down to gratitude.  Get the door slammed in your face enough times, and the very moment it opens, you are IN, and you never want to pry that thing back open. 

These are the people who don't even know there IS a door yet, have waltzed right in, and have had everything handed to them, only to throw it away.  I think when this happens to you, you end up becoming so jaded that you, for instance, camp out in the dressing room of Neiman Marcus, saying things like "Can we have my dog messengered over?" 

Sadly, these people need time and perspective to learn the error of their ways.  And by the time they get that, they'll probably be irrelevant.  If what yesterday's group had in common was an amazing defiance of the Odds of Hollywood and an appreciation for what they've got, these guys have "too much, too soon" syndrome.  This is how Whitney Houston goes from being the next Aretha Franklin to being a segment on "The Soup."

1.  Lindsay Lohan -- needs to go to college and eat Ramen noodles.  She has lost all of her perspective.

2. Britney Spears.  Seriously?   I know it's mean to kick someone when they're down, but....seriously?

3.  Winehouse.  If she's not dead by the magical Dead Musician Age of 27, I'll eat a bug.

4.  Mischa Barton from The O.C.  -- quit before the show ended, to do movies.  Now just unemployed.

5.  Joss Stone.  I know, everyone thinks she's so level headed, but did you read this?  Oh yeah, she's going full speed down Irrelevance Road if she keeps up that crappy attitude.

6.  Michael Vick.  It really would have been better if he'd had a HUMAN fighting ring at his house.  Because...animal cruelty?  Those PETA people are never going to let up now.  It's too bad, too, because he's a really good quarterback.

7.  Michelle Rodriguez.  She's not even on LOST anymore, and she's going to jail for violating the terms of her DUI.  Plucked out of obscurity for Girl Fight, only to return to obscurity....in the Los Angeles County Correctional system.

8.  Nathaniel Marston, who you might not have heard of yet, and who you probably never will, because he's about to be fired from One Life to Live after ATTACKING THREE PEOPLE WITH A CRATE in New York the other day.   Some really famous people got their start on soaps (Julianne Moore, Kelly Ripa, Josh Duhamel from Las Vegas, to name a few), but I GUARANTEE none of them attacked people with a crate. Smooth.

9.  Pete Doherty, who frankly I had never heard of before he was a bad influence on Kate Moss.  That guy looks like he smells like feet, and is moments away from his fatal overdose.

Planted like the mighty oak.....

OK, so Amy Winehouse is a total mess-- has amazing talent, but can't stay off the drugs.  Same thing with Lindsay, Britney, and whatever other self-sabotaging idiot that's in the headlines this week.  I'm even going to put Michael Vick in this category, because running a dog fighting ring at the height of your multi-million dollar quarterbacking career with the Atlanta Falcons?  Stupid.  Same thing with drinking and driving , showing up late to work, or quitting a show or a movie because you think you can do better.  I'm just pointing this out because, um, it's HARD to get to the top of the mountain, and it's just amazing to watch people totally throw it all away because they just don't know any better. 

On the other end of the spectrum, you'll find a smattering of people like Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights.  This is Chandler's first big series since 1996, unless you count his big "Gray's Anatomy" storyline.  I don't know him, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you'd have to kill that guy to get him to leave that show.  He's 42 years old, and he is not.  Fooling.  Around.  He's been waiting so long and has had so many no-name acting jobs, he's probably early to work every day, like "How much press do you need me to do?  NO PROBLEM, man!"  He'd probably help with the lights if they asked him to.

I guess the point I'm making here is that success in your teens/ twenties can be hazardous to your health, AND your career.  It's a sad irony that, while youth and beauty are really the commodities that are most integral to the making of a superstar, few if any of them have the temperment to have a (more than) full time job, and to maintain their composure when put under that kind of pressure.

It is in honor of Kyle Chandler and everyone else who never gave up that I give you:

Nine People Who Are Never.  Going.  Anywhere.  Planted in the ground like the mighty oak.  Been around the block, never going back.

1.  Vanessa Williams on Ugly Betty.  Remember the Miss America scandal?  No?  Well, Vanessa Williams does. 

2.  Naomi Watts. Do you know how long it took her to get that Mulholland Drive role?  How much do we imagine it sucked to be Nicole Kidman's best friend for thirteen years while she married Tom Cruise and was the biggest star in the world?   I'm guessing she's never complained about long hours on a movie set or an early call time.

3.  David Caruso on CSI:  Miami.  Remember when he quit NYPD Blue to make movies like Kiss of Death and Jade?  Oh, you don't like his weird acting style?  Well, he doesn't give a shit.  He's employed, dude.  You'd need a tow truck and a winch to get him away from that show.

4.  Alyssa Milano. Laugh if you will, but that woman is 34 years old, and has been employed almost continuously since 1984.  Yeah, that's not a typo.  That's almost 24 years of work!  If she worked at G.E., she'd get a gold watch and a pension!   Also, she was an Executive Producer of Charmed, and is getting a gazillion dollars from DVD sales and syndication, and designs clothes.  Damn!

5.  Kyle Chandler.  See above.

6.  Kathyrn Morris from Cold Case.  Because it took her 14 years to get that job, I hate to say it, but I can kind of understand why she doesn't eat.  Did I mention how totally skinny she was at the Emmys?

7.  Jaime Pressley.  Again, she worked so long to get "My Name is Earl," you can hardly blame her for
losing her baby weight in eight weeks because (not making up this quote), "I don't want to lose my job!!" 

8.  All those ladies on Desperate Housewives.  You are actually more likely to be killed by a sniper than be hired on a series if you're a woman over 40 in Hollywood.  I know there are some rumors about how it's all drama on that set because they're all divas and stuff, but I think this is PR hype.  They may not get along, but I think you'd have to run over one of them with a truck to get them to quit.

9.  Sally Field on Brothers & Sisters.  See above.

Tomorrow's list:  Top Ten People who are blowing away like the wind, possibly to resurface in twenty years.....

What's Going On, Culwell?

I know, I know, when I don’t post for a few days, you’re like…”what the hell, Culwell?  I look forward to my daily Funny Strange, and then you let me down.”   As explanation, I can only offer up the fact that when I get to New York City, I am overcome by enthusiasm and want to do every single thing that there is to do.  I don’t know if you know, but NYC is like my favorite place in the whole world; sometimes I feel like my whole L.A. life is just where I work, in preparation to go to New York and hustle.  Because that’s what I end up doing the whole time.

Here is a brief list of things I’ve done since I’ve been here (not in chronological order)

Meeting (Bar Piti) | Documentary Film Premiere | Pizza Slice | Kara Walker Exhibit at the Whitney | Pizza Slice | Walk through central park | Production of Hamlet by the Pearl River Company | Magnolia Bakery cupcake | Book Meeting (Noho Star) | Walk from West Village to 12^th Avenue | Work Meeting | Agent Meeting | Meeting | Agent Meeting | Lunch meeting | Train to New Jersey | Meeting | Dinner | Meeeeeeeeeting| Rutgers Football game

I’m flying back tomorrow.  The radio show is cancelled this week, as Stephan is recording a video game. 

By the way, I've received many interesting emails since I mentioned "Trapped in the Closet."  I simply can't believe that everyone knew about this phenomenon, and didn't tell me.  Let's be clear-- "Trapped in the Closet" is the type of thing you're DEFINITELY going to want to tell me about, should you happen upon something like it in the future.

You Need to See This

We've been in New York since Saturday, which of course means I've been out every single moment, and unable (or unwilling) to sit down and write something really funny.  But-- here's something I've been saving, just for an occasion like this:

I can't believe I didn't know about this incredible piece of weirdness until recently.  Like, how was something like this out there, right under my nose, and I didn't even know about it?  That seems wrong.

I am, of course, referring to "Trapped in the Closet," the multiple- part epic mini drama written and performed (in song, of course) by R. Kelly.  I have to admit, I was totally skeptical, but it is EVERY BIT as hilarious as you would think. 

I think you should go now, pour yourself a glass of Hennessey, put your feet up, and watch it.  Unless you're at work, in which case you should hunch over your computer and try to not let your co-workers see what you're watching.  Either way, go now and at least watch Part I.  Because believe me, it's worth it.

I've now watched almost all 22 parts, and I have to say, I am impressed at R. Kelly's storytelling prowess and his sense of the bizarre.  He even incorporates a flatulent midget at one point (I can't remember which part), which makes me think he and David Lynch should totally team up for a bizarro epic free-for-all of weirdness, set to music.  Remember Twin Peaks?   

I'm Sorry, Ma'am....You Have Jarreau....

Damn You, Al Jarreau!

Hey, did you know that if you happen to walk into a store, and that store is playing “We’re in This Love Together,” by Al Jarreau, that you will then not be able to stop singing that damn song all day?   And in fact, as if by mind control, you will get your husband to start singing it, and then you will have to write about it on your blog, so everyone you know will then start singing it, thus re-awakening the insidiousness of this song, and spreading Jarreau all over the globe?

Yeah, before I thought it was just a catchy song.  Now, I’m thinking it’s more like a virus that just has to pass.  This is the virus I’m calling "Jarreau."

Here-- I'll show you how it spreads.

“Weee're in this love together.....we got the kind that brings to mind a favorite song…..a yeah yeah yeah.”

I dare you to stop singing this song now.

This brings me to another, similar topic, which is "names that sound like medical afflictions."  Now, granted, the "Jarreau" is brought on by listening to Al Jarreau songs, but still, you have to admit that Jarreau does sound rather like a disease, or perhaps a foodstuff or some other weird thing.

Here are some others that come to mind:

1.  Eva Longoria.  This one's the worst.  "Oh man....I went to Mexico over Spring Break, and I got the worst case of Eva Longoria.  I was totally in the bathroom the whole time."

2.  Antonin Scalia.  Sounds like a skin rash, perhaps one that requires a course of cortisone to treat.
"The Scalia has spread to my hands and face!"

3.  Plaxico Burress.  This actually sounds less like a disease and more like the name of a town in the Old West....."take that there dusty ol' trail up Plaxico Burress, and turn right at the big ol' tree, ya hear?"

4.  Hayden Pannettiere-- a light and fluffy, possily fruit filled dessert.  "Waiter, you know what?  I'm going to splurge and have the Hayden Pannettiere with a decaf latte."

Oh, and also-- listen to our radio show, Funny Strange Live, today (Friday) at 1:00 pm Pacific Time.  Just click the "MyShow" button to the right to tune in, or visit www.nowlive.com/funnystrange to text or call in!

People of Los Angeles-- Your Dog Belongs on a Leash

I purposely didn't post yesterday, to give my excellent news a chance to be at the very top for one more day.  That's ok, right?  If you didn't see my news, you should scroll down.  It's really worth it.  In fact, this photo is a still life taken at my celebration dinner at my new favorite L.A. restaurant, Bandera.  I like to call this one "Still Life With Ketchup and Worcester Sauce."   Because really, you can never have enough of these two items.

Today I'm back, though, and I'm all riled up about people in Los Angeles walking their dogs off the leash.  I don't get this compulsion to pretend you live in Wyoming or something, where dogs are free to roam and scratch.  It's L.A., ok?   You have, like, a two-foot sidewalk on which to walk your dog, and on the other side of the sidewalk?  The street.  Right there.  Where cars go.  Cars that can run over your dog.  Who should be on a leash. 

I know, people are all aggro, like "I voice-command trained my dog, so I shouldn't have to have him on a leash."  Whatever.   Even if my dog were trained by that drill sargeant guy from Full Metal Jacket (who I happen to know is named F. Lee Ermy), I wouldn't trust him off the leash in a million years.  You know why? 

Because he's a dog.  He doesn't know right from wrong.  He likes to chase squirrels, and sniff other dogs, and generally get into stuff.  That's why he's on a leash when he goes outside, and not walking upright, arm in arm with me, enjoying a nice coffee beverage.  He's not my lunch date or my charming dinner companion.  He's my dog. 

I saw THREE people today, walking their dogs off-leash all nonchalantly, like "what?  My dog is accompanying me on an afternoon stroll."  I don't like being that person, like "Hey man-- why don't you be more responsible," so instead I do the totally passive-aggressive thing and cross to the other side of the street, while giving the dog owner a look that indicates how much I think they suck. 

Actually, I probably shouldn't worry about this, because this is a problem that will eventually solve itself.  One day, those dogs who are supposedly voice-trained are going to run AFTER my dog when I cross to the other side of the street. 

And then? 

Oh yeah.  Dog Darwinism. 

And finally--on a totally different subject--there's a joke in here somewhere, but I'm too classy to make it:

Former adult film star-turned-actress Traci Lords, 39, and her husband Jeff Lee have welcomed a son, Joseph Gunnar, who weighed in at 6 lbs, 14 oz.

Um, good for her.  Let's just leave it at that.

The Biggest News Ever in the History of Ever

My novel, Hollywood Car Wash, is the WINNER of Project Publish, a contest that’s been going on since May in conjunction with Media Predict.

This means Touchstone Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster is going to publish the book!  www.mediapredict.com.

Obviously, I can’t say thank you enough to everyone who bought the book, read it, liked it, and wrote to tell me or told a friend.   I wouldn't be here without you!

Stay tuned for updates, progress on the re-release, and behind the scenes stories! 

Listen to Funny Strange Live Anytime! Now Even!

I've impressed myself with my technical prowess over the weekend, managing to figure out in less than three hours (perhaps an exaggeration) how to add the widget to this site for our radio show, Funny Strange Live, which premiered last week.  In case you had a real emergency to attend to (which would be the only reason why you wouldn't be listening, right?) ,  you can  click on  the "My Live Show" button in the right hand column, and it will start right up!

I have to say, I was VERY impressed with Stephan's triumphant return to radio.  He's still got it!    After you get caught up on this show, be sure to tune in this Friday for our next show!  This week's topic is "He Does Voices," and we'll be interviewing some famous voiceover guys, which promises to be absolutely filled with hilarity.  http://www.nowlive.com/funnystrange , in case you absolutely don't see the big green button to your right, right over there.

Note:  Our show is rated "moderate," meaning we might have used some profanity once or twice during the broadcast.  Or... maybe three times.  I'm just warning you, when Stephan gets going on jury duty, all bets are off, dude.

A Little More Convincing, Please.

I don’t watch The Hills, and I never got into Laguna Beach at all, but recently this couple has come to my attention, because every time their photo appears somewhere, they look like they’re posing for a parody of what a couple is, like "We're a cheezy couple on a Hallmark card” or something. In case you’re out of the target demographic of this media juggernaut, it’s Heidi and Spencer from The Hills. From the look of these two, I’m going to guess that a publicist has told them to pretend to be a couple so that they can get publicity like this, because two reality show stars dating each other are much better than one, and then they can take it one step further, milking the whole “engagement/ wedding” media outlets, then start “arguing” and “break up” for the benefit of Life & Style and In Touch.  Right now I think they are accomplishing this by having some fake feud about something I don't really care about. 

This picture--- I mean, just come on. This kid looks like he is four seconds away from running into the arms of his boyfriend*, or whatever tramp comes out of the Cabo Cantina. Heidi is holding on for dear life because guess what? As soon as the lights of reality tv turn off, he is out of there so fast, it’s going to make her head spin.

So, this goes on in Hollywood all the time, that’s fine, I don’t mind it—but not when it’s so obviously staged. I mean, can they not even hire good actors for these off-screen “romances” anymore? This just offends my sensibilities because it looks so blatantly fake. Give me a little Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe, maybe. At least they were good actors, right?  I feel like these two are barely even trying to convince us that they actually like each other.  I'm going to need my fake Hollywood couples to go ahead and be a little more realistic, if you know what I mean.

Also, this cover just made me laugh. I think I understand what they were going for—she obviously used to be an ugly, flat girl, and she’s gotten plastic surgery to get revenge on girls that were prettier than her, ok fine. But to phrase it this way, “REVENGE PLASTIC SURGERY” sounds like she’s either coming after her enemies with the liposuction cannula of doom, or like she was sobbing in her room somewhere, going “Take THAT, Lauren and Kristen! You picked on me, so I’m going to HACK MYSELF UP, just for you. Dammit!”

*Total conjecture, based only on my expert analysis of photos of him in which he looks pretty darn gay.  But, what do I know? 

Winner: Monthly Giveaway!

The winner of the monthly giveaway of an autographed copy of my novel, Hollywood Car Wash, is Erica from Staten Island!  Congratulations, Erica!

To enter, all you have to do is subscribe to Funny Strange by entering your email in the box to the right, or send an email to offers@hollywoodcarwash.com!

Watch it LIVE!

Hey, if you're near a computer on Friday afternoon, definitely check out the PREMIERE of our radio/ internet show, "Funny Strange Live" on NowLive.  Today our theme will be "Pull Yourself Together," as in "you have to live in the world with other people, so maybe use some soap and keep your voice down in public."  I'm sure there will be alot of funny to go around, so even if you're at work, click on over to http://www.nowlive.com/funnystrange and send us a text!    We want to make sure that your grievance is aired live and in person.  And, if you miss it, you can be sure it will be up here next week as a widget or a podcast, or whatever neat little piece of technology I can figure out over the weekend.  Because ultimately, I want you to convert you to becoming one of my regular readers.  And, while I'm on the subject, have you read my novel?  Because you should.  It's funny.

Tidbits

I have been busy re-working a YA book I'm pulling together, so I haven't had alot of time for the regular funny.  Sorry!

Here are some tidbits.  Mostly, things start out this way, then get developed into whole posts.  Sadly, right now they are just sitting in my brain, waiting in line behind "go to the eye doctor," "finish new novel," and "walk the dog."  Because you know, the dog requires alot of attention.

**Over the weekend I was in CVS picking up a prescription, and I noticed this little item:

Yeah, that's a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Elvis Anniversary edition.  It's got bananas, and peanut butter, and chocolate.  You know why?  Because Elvis loved peanut butter and banana sandwiches, because he was fat.  FAT!  And I'm just here to be the one person to point out the fact that on the 30th Anniversary of his DYING OF A HEART ATTACK BECAUSE HE WAS SO FAT, Reese's has put out a candy totally dedicated to his fatness.  Next, they'll be issuing a Kurt Cobain commemorative shotgun. 

No, really--- these might be delicious.  I just don't care for room-temperature fruit filling anywhere near my chocolate desserts.  And I wanted to point out that it's a little sick to have a commemorative candy dedicated to someone who died from being so gosh darn fat.  Maybe it's just me.

*** I had a great time doing the panel at the West Hollywood Book Fair.  I also met this writer, who was also on the panel and was cool.  Now I am reading her book, Party Girl.  Good stuff!

*** A couple of years ago, I didn't get a flu shot because some insane woman at my doctor's office told me that if I was young and healthy, I should "save the vaccine for the old people" (her words, not mine.  My mother always thought 'old people' was a disparaging term, so she trained me to say 'older people,' which I still say to this day).  As a result of not getting the flu shot that year, I had a fever of 103 on Christmas.  So now, every year I am the very first person in line to get the shot.  Like, I will push an 'older man' out of the way to get it.  That's how much I hated having the flu.  I am only mentioning this because now every place I go to get the shot has a waiting list, which I think is just stupid.  Why don't they ever make enough?   I mean, can't they just reasonably assume that no one wants the flu?   You better believe I am getting that shot, even if I have to go to another state to do it. 

*** Did I mention that some crazy people at NowLive have given Stephan and I our own radio show, based on this blog?  Oh yeah-- it's called "Funny Strange Live," and you can listen to it on your computer on Fridays at 1pm Pacific Time, right here, which would be great, because then you could call or text in, and that would make the show much funnier.  This week's show is called "Pull Yourself Together," and it's based on the fact that I recently had to tell a woman to keep her voice down in Costco because she was SHOUTING ABOUT DIARRHEA MEDICINE.  Good Lord.

Check me out on Media Predict!

The "Project Publish" competition is almost at an end (they announce the winner in ONE WEEK!).   They  interviewed me about it-- check it out!

Oh, also-- if you haven't already registered over there, now's a great time to vote for my book!  The winner gets a distribution deal with Simon & Schuster, so....yeah.  That would be GREAT.

By the way, I had a great time at the West Hollywood Book Fair on Sunday-- met some nice people, sold some books, and came a little closer to my goal of expanding my audience, one reader at a time.