Coffee is for Closers, or "I Make People Cry."

In response to several comments made to my “I make customer service people cry” post from the other day, the answer is yes—I am available if you’d like to hire me to yell at someone on your behalf.  I don’t know what it is, but the concept of being overcharged, being taken advantage of, or getting less than my money’s worth for something makes me turn into that Alec Baldwin character from Glengarry Glen Ross (put….that coffee….down).  I have absolutely no compunction about badgering companies and customer service reps until I get what I want.    Because, you know why?  I think a company’s brand equity is reflected in everyday interaction with customers, and if those interactions fall short, I almost take it personally and I want someone to take responsibility for that, and I will not stop calling until that happens.   Dude, that’s your MONEY they’re taking, and they should be giving you as much value as possible for that money.  Does that sound unreasonable?  I think not. 

As a consequence, once an interaction with a company goes awry,  I have no problem calling up to ask for discounts, to get charges reversed, to basically harass until I feel I’ve gotten my money’s worth.  I am not afraid to say things like “Hey, it’s a recession—if I take my business away and tell everyone I know to do the same, do you think you’ll get laid off in the next round of cutbacks?” or “Is this call being recorded?  I want your manager to hear how you are representing your company—be sure to say your name!” and other mean stuff like that.    My mother was this way, and I have always been this way, and as a consequence I have gotten things like: flowers and an apology letter from an airline, countless hotel room upgrades and discounts, good rates on things like mortgages and credit cards, and more fees reversed than I can count.  Insurance companies?  Please.   I am the master.    I dare you to send me a bill that looks like you’re sneaking in extraneous charges (for instance, a hospital-staff psychotherapist who tried to bill my critically-ill mother for an hour of talk-therapy—while she was in a coma.  That’s right.)  If I get a bill like that, someone is going to cry, and I’m 99.9% sure it ain’t going to be me. 

Please note:  it’s not like I start out all “guns ablazing” like this.    I only turn on the meanness when I feel like I (or a loved one) is being taken advantage of.  That’s when I Hulk Out. 

Do you think I’m exaggerating?  I am not.  Sometimes Stephan will be getting a hard time on the phone, and he’ll be like “OK, is that the best you can do?  Well, then I am sorry, but I am putting my wife on the phone.  Good luck to you.”    It’s not that he can’t handle the transaction himself—it’s just that my level of meanness and cajoling goes to an unprecedented and almost absurd level, and he likes to hand me the phone, then sit back and laugh at what comes out of my mouth. 

Some people have suggested I call this service “Rent a Pitbull” or something to that effect.  I am not a lawyer, just a person with a nasty temper and a real belief that you should get the most out of your money that you worked for.  So, keep this in mind the next time you get bad service in a hotel, or your credit card company charges you an exorbitant and mysterious fee.  Get this:  companies work for you, and if you would like me to call and berate someone for you, drop me a line.    Any money you pay me will totally be recovered, in money AND tears.  That, my friend, is a promise.  The only way it could get any better is if I tape recorded the phonecall so you could witness the "Theater of Customer Service Cruelty" firsthand. 

Comments

[Shannon]

AWE. SOME. There are no other words.

[Cyndi]

You should give lessons (just record some of the calls and send 'em as podcasts).

[Lane]

Where were you last summer when I really needed this kind of help? I was quoted 3K for foot surgery and paid my co-pay. Then the surgery center caught wind of my fab insurance and decided to charge 17K for the same surgery. And my dumbass insurance paid it. Now some anesthesiologist, Dr. Asshat wants $1700 from me for my "co-pay" amount the dumbass insurance company didn't cover.
Sigh.
And oh yeah, because I told them all to "go f'n die" and refused to pay, now they've taken me to collections. I daresay I lack your panache and eloquence. Damnit.

[Rachel]

Dude. Call Time Warner for me. Those people are assholes and have no personalities! I yell at them all the time and they don't even flinch!

[Jim]

You and I should start a company, Lori.

I'm reminded of the Monty Python sketch..."I came here to have an argument!" "Oh, I'm sorry, this is Abuse."