I totally love it when people email me weird things (photos or just references to things they’ve seen), and they’re like “you have to write about this please.” I love it because it’s funny to me that you would be walking down the street or watching tv, and see something random, and your first thought is “Culwell. Must. Know about this.” Occupying that place in your mind is just fantastic to me, so keep sending me the photos and references, ok?
So, now—by special request, I will be writing about two things that have been brought to my attention by you, Funny Strange readers. When I put them together, I kind of think they point to the overall trending laziness of people in general, so I am writing about that.
First up: Charmin’s “Enjoy the Go” campaign, with the cartoon bears and the soul music and the toilet in Times’ Square? Yeah-- I feel like I started noticing the “bear in the woods” commercials a few years ago, and when I first saw them I was like “Ooooh, I get it—a bear s$%ts in the woods, and now we are making the mental leap to them telling us what kind of toilet paper they like. I get it.”
I get it, and I keep wishing I didn’t, and that it would go away, because a) it’s just a little too clever for its own good—a little like a Saturday Night Live sketch that seemed really good on paper, but then they realized that a good idea doesn’t necessarily (or, ever) result in a consistently funny three minute sketch, and b) because now it’s expanded to Time’s Square, and c) the whole “Enjoy the Go” thing is just really gross. Have you seen the website? Dress it up with all the cartoon bears you want, dude. It’s still about pooping. http://www.enjoythego.com. Can’t we find more civilized things to talk about? What about books? Movies? Politics? Even religion might be better than talking about poop, don’t you think?
Also, the big Times Square bathroom thing? Also features a guy, DRESSED LIKE A TOILET, inviting people to come in and use the bathroom. Did I mention it’s 20 degrees outside, and the guy is dressed like a toiler? I mean, good for him for doing that job, but shame on Charmin for even having that BE a job. They couldn’t have dressed him up in a bear suit? Hello! Then he would have been warm AND his face would’ve been covered. Would that not have been the more dignified way to go?
Also in the “lazy and weird” category: the Reebok “Tone Up” clothes. I get the “shape up” shoes—they actually do work despite looking extremely Frankenstein-ian, I do not believe the materials used to make these shoes can somehow be used to make clothes that will tone up your body parts without you actually having to perform any exercise. At least the shoes require you to be WALKING for them to work. Sadly, clothes that promise to tone you up are catering to that part of America that wants the easy answer—you know, the ones who order the double bacon cheeseburger and fries, then get the Diet Coke? I know, it sounds like I am being all “America is Fat and Makes Excuses for Itself,” and I totally am. Clothes that exercise for you? Yucky. America, seriously—this is your tough love wakeup call. Diet pills and toning clothes are not the answer. You are fat. Put down the Twinkie, go to the gym, and also? Stop talking about your poopings. I don’t care if you enjoy the go. I don’t want to hear about it.
Is it ok for me to talk about the season finale of Dexter yet? I gave it a week to make sure I wasn't the big spoiler. No, Julia Stiles' "Lumen" character did not get killed-- worse. She broke up with Dexter. Worse still, this totally went against the character and relationship they'd been building all season.
Seriously, I felt like she was breaking up with us. All that time invested, finally someone sees Dexter for what he really is and loves him for it, and then she just leaves after they kill Jordan Chase? No way. This is one of those plot twists that exists simply because they can't make Julia Stiles a series regular (maybe she's doing a movie? Maybe it would change the original intention of the show too much if Dexter had a partner in crime? Who knows.). I was totally disappointed with the breakup choice, not least of which because i felt like after all they've both been through, they are NEVER going to find better suited people. Gah! She just leaves and forgets everything that happened in Miami? I don't think so. What about all that stuff changing her forever? She's just "better" now? I'm not buying it. Her "born in blood" trauma was actually worse than Dexter's, so that would mean her dark passenger, like his, can't just be "cured.". Weak! Also (this part is purely conjecture, I have no insider info whatsoever), I kind of felt like Julia Stiles and Michael C. Hall did such a great job portraying that relationship and had such great chemistry that they might actually be in love in real life, and this might have been what made it tougher for me to buy that she could have just thrown him away like that. This just did not sit right with me, and I have several reasons for this.
Here is my evidence: remember, Michael C. Hall just filed for divorce from his wife (Jennifer Carpenter, who plays his sister Deb on the show), and then Julia Stiles made a strange, “perhaps she is protesting too much” statement about how she didn’t cause this and how we should leave them alone. Ermm….ok.
So, remember when I retracted my statement that Chip Johannessen had apparently figured out the show and made it better by adding the Lumen story line?
Wrong. I was wrong about that. Writing Lumen out like that despite an obviously strong relationship between the two characters (or at least the two actors) was too easy, and was not a good move. It was a move worthy of 24, and shows that he actually doesn't understand the world of the show. And, sure enough--- perhaps someone at the network reads this blog, because it has just been announced that despite Season Five's ratings being the highest ever, Johannessen will not be coming back for Season 6, and will be replaced by Executive Producer Scott Buck is stepping up as show runner. Yay!
Next season it will be interesting to see: a) who the guest star is next season, b) what they do to keep Michael C Hall and Jennifer Carpenter from doing scenes together now that they're getting a divorce, c) what Scott Buck is going to do to rebuild the original stories from the first four seasons, and d) how long it will be until Julia Stiles and Michael C. Hall feel comfortable coming out in public as an actual couple.
That is all.
So, Kelsey Grammer is engaged again, did you hear? That whole situation is definitely smarmy and has progressed (ahem) at light speed, but despite the circumstances I am finding it nearly impossible to muster any sympathy for his ex Camille, mostly because of her selfish, crazy behavior as displayed on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills franchise. I kind of feel like Kelsey Grammer might have encouraged her to be on that show because he was planning this divorce, and because he wanted America's sympathies, like "Oh my God, why didn't you leave her sooner? She is insane.".
If you don't watch the show, maybe just watch this clip, because ordinarily I would of course be sympathetic to the jilted wife in this type of scenario, but--um, have you watched that show? Camille Grammar is out of her mind. I don't know why she would allow herself to be portrayed in this way. All I can say is-- wow. Good luck finding a new rich husband, Camille!
--Six week long sore throat/ fever virus. Goes away, you think it’s gone, then your husband gets it, then you get it again, in a delightful circle of virus-ness. Not made any better by holiday running around/ my beloved freezing temperatures and snow. Harrumph. Is it possible that "grouchiness to the point of stomping your feet on the ground in frustration" is a symptom? Will Nyquil help this? Also, as you can see from the photo, Old Man Dog is extremely disappointed in me, not only for sleeping so much, but also for making it so cold outside. Why can't I just make things nice for him? Seriously, he spends alot of time just staring at me, waiting for something to happen, then sighing. Feel sorry for him, really.
--Return of the screwy white blood cell problem. For some mysterious reason (probably the fevers, who am I kidding?) I had more white blood cells than usual this month, but still not a normal amount. In case you’re wondering, yes, this does contradict my several months ago report that my doctor had figured out the cause of my blood cell problem. In fact, six weeks after I wrote that post, my WBC was back down to crazy-low levels, and now I am being monitored on a monthly basis. I’m pretty sure my sickly white blood cells are the reason why the winter virus never really goes away. Currently drinking huge amounts of Vitamin C and trying to make myself better enough to travel to California for Christmas.
--Speaking of travel, mine has been delayed, mainly caused by the blizzard in the Midwest which now seems to be moving east. I know, I shouldn’t really be complaining since some people I know got 19 inches of snow and are trapped in their homes, but I’m still annoyed. Part of my flight on Monday was canceled, which gave my sore throat/ fever problem enough time to come back, and now I have once again given in to the illness and am watching old episodes of Weeds.
--My computer broke, and I've been trying to get everything off of the old broken one and onto the new one for about ten days. Yes, the old computer was on the way out anyway, but transferring everything onto a new computer right in the middle of the holidays? Annoying.
Thanks for listening, really. If someone could say something to cheer me up, that would be great. I am totally sitting here getting my Grinch on right now, and I would like tomorrow to be the day things turn around.
Oh, but in case you didn't see this on my Facebook and you actually would like a laugh today, please go look at this hilarious post of Awkward Pregnancy Photos. You won't be sorry.
So, I wanted to mention, I never stopped watching Dexter, and I'm so glad I didn't, because about halfway through the "Dan the Dentist" episode that show started to get SO GOOD again, and I feel like Dexter is totally growing as a character now that he has a similarly flawed partner in crime in Lumen.
Aren't the two of them just so adorable? They are like The Murdersons-- your friendly neighborhood bickering couple who also happen to commit murders every week. For once, I am hoping that the guest star (Julia Stiles) joins the regular cast, because I totally love the couple dynamic when Dexter can just be who he really is rather than putting on a fake persona and letting Rita boss him into a shell of a man. It's so awesome that Lumen totally accepts him, and that his helping her with her situation is making him better.
I guess what I'm saying is, I hope the problem with the first part of the season was that the new executive producer had a super great idea and was just clunky about getting to it logistically. The A story is really good now, and the B and C stories (which, admittedly, are always bad on this show) are actually decent. Impressive! Now if they could just tell the cast to stop totally over pronouncing the Spanish words, that would be perfect.
Oh, and also? I would like to put in a formal request for Julia Stiles' guest arc to be extended for another season. I know, she has movies and stuff to do, but I just totally love their relationship, and I'm going to be really bummed if this season's finale turns out like last season's, know what I'm saying? I know, I know, the episode is already in the can, but I can be optimistic for once and say that I really hope they don't kill off Lumen. I love her! Dexter loves her! He's never going to find anyone that gets him, ever again, so why can't it just last a little longer, eh?
By the way, I was SO glad to see Peter Weller's character go. So annoying! Stab him some more! In case you were wondering, YES that was the guy from RoboCop, and NO, he will not be re-joining the police force or making "the biggest bust ever." Buh bye.
I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on this post, just so no one sends me an email like "wah wah wah, you guys have too much time on your hands, why don't you have a kid" or something disparaging like that, because that will make me feel bad, and I'm sure you don't want to do that, right?
The disclaimer is this: the little film did not take that long to make, and even if we had a kid, we would still do stuff like this after that kid went to sleep, because we cannot contain the funny, so just settle down.
A couple of months ago I noticed that Coca Cola was making 2 liter bottles of soda, but instead of a normal looking 2 liter soda bottle, it's this weird jumbo sized version of a bottle you'd get in a gas station. This odd size struck me as so funny, I bought one and left it on the kitchen counter, just so it would make me laugh with it's jumbo sized absurdity, every time I went into the kitchen.
In case you haven't seen this silliness in your grocery store, I took a picture.
After awhile, Stephan mentioned that the odd size of the bottle kind of made you feel either like a giant when you were holding the little one, or like a very tiny person when you were holding the big one, and that this would make a funny film.
Here is the end result. Don't judge. Why is that bottle so huge? Why was that packaging necessary? Why do Stephan's muscles look so big? Admittedly, you don't really get the full effect of the giant bottle, but we thought it was funny anyway.