So, hey—I don’t know how many people you know who have a deceased mother, but let me tell you, it’s a laugh a minute up in here when Mother’s Day rolls around, when you are encountering a constant barrage of "Don't Forget Mom!" messaging. This year in particular, I feel like I am getting a Mother’s Day related email message every five minutes from every company in the world. Treat your mom! Don't forget mom! Mom would like chocolate and flowers! DUDE! I cannot do any of these things, so the only thing these messages accomplish is to make me feel sad. DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!
Why, just now I clicked on an errant pop-up ad, and suddenly my entire computer screen was filled with THIS GIGANTIC MOTHER’S DAY AD WITH A CLOCK IN IT.
Holy shit! Thanks for that, ProFlowers! I’m not sad enough about Mother’s Day, now I know IT’S OFFICIALLY LAST MINUTE! AWESOME!
Additionally, I am one of those rare people who has no mother AND no children, so this holiday does not apply to me AT ALL, but it is everywhere, and I cannot avoid it. This starts right after Easter, and then by the beginning of May I"m like “Why does ProFlowers have to torment me? Why does Hallmark not remember that I don’t celebrate this holiday? Leave me in peace, Corporate America!”
Actually, the only reason I’m bringing this up is because I received possibly the most egregious example of this the other day in the form of an email from Ancestry.com, of all places. Now, let me mention that Ancestry.com knows full well that I have a deceased mother, because her dates of birth and death are RIGHT THERE ON THE ANCESTRY CHART, so you’ll forgive me if I thought it was a little bit tacky that they couldn’t do me the courtesy of segmenting out their email marketing list so that I wouldn’t receive an email which I’m pretty sure was trying to get me to give my mother the gift of Ancestry.com for Mother’s Day (which, did I mention, I TRY TO JUST IGNORE UNTIL IT GOES AWAY)—
They did so by sending me an email with the subject heading: “This Mother’s Day, introduce your mother to her ancestors, Lori!”
Yeah, it was like that. Actually, I laughed when I saw it (because what else am I supposed to do, come on), mainly because I was considering the people at Ancestry.com, and wondering if they actually gave any thought to the fact that not everyone HAS a mother, and that they probably did, but then they decided that this was like, the email marketing equivalent of built-in obsolescence when a new product is released—they know that SOMEONE is going to burn themselves on the curling iron, but they figure “Meh, as long as it’s not a big number, it’s probably ok.”
And, since Ancestry.com was perhaps mulling it over, let’s address the question: What’s it like to have no mom when the ENTIRE COUNTRY IS SUDDENLY MOM FOCUSED?
It totally sucks, dude. Not only do you HAVE NO MOM, not only for the rest of your life but also for handy holidays like Mother’s Day, but then you are somehow THAT GUY when people are complaining about things like how they HAVE to remember Mother's Day, and how totally annoying that is, but they don’t know that you have no mom, and then you’re like…..”What I’m about to say is going to totally grind the conversation to a halt and you are going to feel so bad, but here goes!” But also, if someone is bitching about their relationship with their mother, you totally win every single time, because you’re like “Muh huh—well, at least your mother IS ALIVE,” and then, as I mentioned, this stops the conversation as well as stopping time, because it's not like you can follow up news like that with an "AW, SNAP!"
Speaking of time, let me just inform you that when this is your situation, there is absolutely no good time to bring it up when you meet someone new, because of course it smacks them in the face with what it’s going to be like when it happens to them, and so just by telling somoene about yourself, you made them sad. No lie, more than one person I just met has burst into tears when I told them about it. Also, every single person who hears it has to say “Oh my God—I’m so sorry!” mainly because they don’t know what to say, and death makes people blurt things out, and everyone is uncomfortable, and then I have to say something comforting that will take the spotlight off of their own knowledge of their own mortality and their parents' mortality, and who the Hell wants to be that person? I'm just trying to be your comic relief over here.
Mostly, though, I think Ancestry.com needs to be mocked for their lack of sensitivity. Really, Ancestry.com? Because I would think that enough of your population is actually in the “Baby Boomer” category that a fairly large percentage is going to cringe at your “Introduce Mom to her ancestors!” email, even if it was sent out with the best of intentions.
You know I’m totally going to Tweet them so they feel bad, right? And then you’re going to be all “AW, SNAP—the “My Mom Died” card trumps every time!”
And you would be right. It totally does. Can it just be May 9th already?
I know, I know, this post was less "Funny Strange" and more "Funny.....Bleeehhhhhh I feel weirdly sad now." Check back next week when I will be giving away a free pizza and a cutting board, how about that? That's fun, right?