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You guys, I can’t believe it’s going to be June already. Does it seem to anyone else like this year is going by REALLY fast? I keep trying to delegate work, and then I’m writing code at midnight going “Didn’t I delegate this?” I don’t know if you can tell this if you’re not in the tech industry, but it’s feeling like 1999 out there again, people—startups are cropping up every single day, people are starting businesses (and needing websites) like there’s no tomorrow, and apparently a lot of people are reading my book (about websites). To answer your question (if you are one of the many people who have asked me this), yes, I am writing another tech-related book about building websites, yes, it is going to be mostly about Wordpress, and yes, it is going to come out this year. So, that’s all awesome. Also, I finally found a publisher for my Young Adult novel, so I’m really excited about that. Of course I will let you know when/ where you can buy that, and I will work on delegating better so I actually have time to write books again.
Oh, also, in case you’re wondering what happened with Sparah, the answer is a very cryptic “nothing, as I have been told to stop talking about the similarities between my book and their commercial series, which absolutely do not exist, because no one knows who I am and no one that made that commercial ever read my book,” ok? In case you are one of the (many) people who emailed or Tweeted me about those similarities, Virgin Mobile and their associated companies and entities would like you to know that you were wrong about what you thought you saw, because those things are different, and not the same, and not similar. At all. In any way.
Also, I suppose it would be impolitic for me to mention at this point that Virgin Mobile has a typo in the Google AdWords buy that they are running for that campaign-- an AdWords ad that, ironically, IS RUNNING ON THIS WEBSITE from time to time, which looks like this:
OPPS, looks like someone wasn't careful enough when manually entering copy for their Google AdWords Content Network Buy. Ordinarily Google would just not let you use a mispelled word. But...wow! You guys, Virgin is so powerful, they can even MISSPELL WORDS in their advertising and not get penalized by Google for typos. Good to know.
Oh! Also, if you are one of the people who came over here and left mean and snarky comments about how I was just pointing out those similarities (which do not exist) in order to “sell my shitty novel,” thanks for your insight. As it turns out, YOU WERE RIGHT. Those things are not the same, and you’re probably also right about me being a hack, even though you haven’t read my book and don’t even know me. Don’t you feel so great about being so right? I wish for you a wonderful future in which you try to get something published for three years, then notice a similarity on television and point it out, then people attack you for noticing and call you names and criticize your work. I only wish I hadn’t deleted your awesome comments, which turned out to be so very, very right.
Anyhoo, as my mother used to say (or is that anywho? I was never clear on that one). Let’s put that behind us. Now I must proceed to the business of the day, which is this absurd advertisement I saw recently on my gas pump. Let's take a moment to look at it, shall we?
First off, when did advertising extend to gas pumps? Is this a new thing? Don’t advertisers understand that I am PISSED OFF about how expensive gas is right now, and I’m trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible? Am I meant to stand there, seething about why gas is so expensive and the ridiculousness of foreign wars, and then suddenly this seethingness converts into a desire for Ruffles?
I don’t think so.
Also, why are the Ruffles “Molten Hot Wings” flavored? Are chips supposed to taste like poultry? This does not sound like a good idea. Is this flavor appealing to a large enough segment of America to warrant a new product launch? I find that dubious. Furthermore, did the people who came up with the concept of placing an ad ON A GAS PUMP not think through the fact that once I am done pumping gas, there is gas on my hands, and so any food that I might eat is now also going to smell like gas? Or, wait—would the smell/ taste of gasoline actually be an attribute in this case? Again, I am not clear about these chicken (and now gasoline) flavored chips.
Additionally, I don’t care for the tagline “Punch your mouth in its face.” Um….what? I know, I know, I dissect these things too much, but people—advertising agencies spend millions of dollars coming up with these lines and focus grouping them, and I guess I'm just surprised that this was the one they settled on. One of my friends is a brilliant, Don Draper-style advertising executive, and when I texted her this photo, she was like “What the….?”
Why would I want to punch my mouth in its face? Why does my mouth have a face? This whole concept is disturbing and reminds me of a Pink Floyd album cover I saw once, where there was a face with only a mouth, and the face was eating the mouth, and…… I AM FREAKING OUT NOW, MAN. Was that the intention? Was Ruffles trying to mindf%ck me into buying some of their chickeny potato chips and eating them with my gasoline-covered fingers? Well, no thank you, Ruffles. Not only am I pissed off about the price of gas, not only do I not want to eat after I have pumped gas, not only do I NOT WANT TO EAT POTATO CHIPS THAT TASTE LIKE CHICKEN, but also?
When I get the munchies, man, I’m much more of a SmartPop and Cool Ranch Doritos type of girl. Thanks though!
Also, please buy my novel, which is absolutely nothing like the Sparah series by Virgin Mobile currently running on television. They're not the same! It's not about Katie Holmes! Oh my God! Drop it already!
I feel I must give this exciting event enough screen time. STEPHAN COX is one of the finalists in the caption contest for this week's New Yorker, people! Here is the comic:
Here is his caption: “You’ll find we do things a little differently here in accounts swimmable.”
Here is the link so you can go and vote, because if he wins, he'll be in The New Yorker on June 6th, too, and this is almost too exciting for me, because I keep squealing with joy for no reason, and on Monday I went to a Barnes & Noble and bought ALL THE COPIES THEY HAD. Seriously, it's really hard to get into the New Yorker. When they called to tell him his caption was a finalist, his phone rang, but there was NO NUMBER ON THE PHONE. Not just a "blocked" number, people. NO NUMBER. The New Yorker is totally all Black Ops, dude!
Seriously, vote for it and share it, please! You know you want to be able to say you actually know someone who won the caption contest, right? That makes you TWO DEGREES FROM THE NEW YORKER.
I have to defend myself by saying that I started catching a cold before I left, and when I was on the plane I could tell I was getting a fever, and I already had a sore throat, so the people you should feel really badly for are the people who I had to interact with at the conference / awards ceremony I went to, because you KNOW right now they're like "Huh, I don't feel so good....OH NO."
I am starting to feel better, but traveling while you’re sick is A # 1 no fun, just because it makes everything harder. Feel like lying on the couch and doing nothing? Too bad, you’re on a plane for six hours, mixing your cold with everyone else’s cold, probably creating a supervirus.
But, I made it, and now I’m back and catching up on everything. This is the weakest, most low-grade cold I think I have ever had—it won’t quite catch on, but it wants me to know it’s there, oh, and also, not even a “let’s just call it higher than recommended” dose of Nyquil can keep me from coughing, but it’s not like the cold is even in my chest (aren’t you so SO happy for all this information for your Monday?), so it’s just one of those pathetic, hacky dry coughs that sort of works out your ab muscles and gives you a searing headache at the same time.
Speaking of Nyquil (which is SO not as strong as it used to be, have you noticed this? See below), while I was trolling the aisles of the CVS in Santa Monica (again, I know! I’m so sorry I didn’t call! I can’t believe I was there and didn’t see anyone!), it occurred to me that there should REALLY be an “adult section” of the cold medicine aisle. You know—like the old “adult section” of the video store? Listen, I’m on a business trip, and I’m coughing and I have a fever and a headache. I don’t have time to play around with anything “diabetic” or “fruit flavored” or “high blood pressure friendly.” I would like to purchase whatever cold remedy will knock me the f$%k out without my actually having to go to a doctor. Oh, and when you say the words “What’s stronger than Nyquil?” to a pharmacist, be ready for them to give you a look like you just handed over a prescription for Oxycontin written in crayon. Yes, you have now been filed in the “junkie” section of their brain if you need more than Nyquil to address your problem. Just for the record, though, did you know that Nyquil is actually NOT NEARLY as strong as it used to be? That's right-- they reformulated it to take out one of the main ingredients so it could stay on the shelves and not be required to be located behind the pharmacist's counter with all the other pseudoephedrine-containing products that you can make speed out of. Although, side note, if you have the mental capability and acumen to actually extract the psuedoephedrine from a liquid suspension of something like Nyquil, what the HELL are you doing making speed? You could be working at NASA. Please see your career counselor after class for some alternative options.
My next choice, based on packaging and name, was “Delsym Adult Nighttime,” mostly because this sounds like the name of a nightclub. No one under 21 allowed in Delsym Adult Nighttime, sorry! I’m sure you can see the theme here—I’m looking for something that will just step on my neck for ten or twelve hours every night, but without leaving me hung over so I can still sound smart the next day. A special thanks to the person on Facebook (I’m looking at you, Lisa Hopkins) who recommended vodka or bourbon, but I was not brave enough to try this (because of the afore-mentioned business trip and the fact that I was a sheltered youth and only started drinking wine about five years ago, so I have never even HAD bourbon), so I am still looking for something that can address my cold symptoms in an adult way, but not liquor-store or doctor’s office adult, just cold medicine adult. Why is there no rating system for cold medicine, so you can have your G rated cough syrup for your kid and I can have R or NC-17 rated ‘tussin when I need it? Do I just have to keep saying “What is some super strong cold medicine?” and trying the different suggestions until I get a good result?
Wait, maybe I should do that. Please, tell me your suggestions, and I will report back with results. So far, 1 ½ times the regular dose of "the new Nyquil" only works for five hours, and Delsym Nighttime also failed to control the symptoms. I also have a sinus headache that feels like there is an overinflated balloon inside my head, and every time I cough or breathe in too hard, I get that searing sinus pain flareup.
So---what else you got? Or, are you going to side with Lisa Hopkins and tell me to go straight to bourbon?