Funny Strange, by Lori Culwell

Rewrites, music, and also, procrastination

I've been doing rewrites on three different projects lately-- in case you've never written a book before, re-writes are the part you always forget about, the childbirth part where you're like "for God's sake-- I already WROTE A WHOLE BOOK, what more do you want from me?". This makes you feel sorry for yourself and find new and evermore imaginative ways to procrastinate, which leads me to my next topic, which is :  why does Pandora keep suggesting that I might like songs by Hootie and the Blowfish and Blues Traveler?  This is not helping with the rewrite process.

Wait, let me back up.  I am what you might call a music fan, meaning I'm into good music, I always have music playing, I have four music apps on my iPhone, and a few years ago I did an interview for Large Hearted Boy (a blog I highly recommend) where I discussed the music that I listen to while I am writing (or rewriting), and yes, it actually is an important part of the writing process.   You'll notice that Hootie and the Blowfish are not on this list, not because I don't like that one song they did that was popular in the 90's or because I don't care for Darius Rucker's voice, because he sounds fine, but dude, Darius Rucker is playing country music now, so I guess what I'm saying is, how did I start out with a playlist based on a Muse song I liked from the Twilight (look it up, Stephenie Meyer has great taste in music), even though I think Matt Bellamy from Muse is a douchebag for making fun of Twilight when it put his band on the map and made him popular enough to get on Kate Hudson's "I want to have your rockstar baby" radar.   This Muse-based playlist was going fine, but it then took a right turn into Hootie and Matchbox 20 fandom.  I know, it is probably not a good idea to let an algorithm choose your music for you, but I have to ask-- Pandora, why does liking Muse lead me to Coldplay, which then automatically generates a playlist that includes Hootie and the Blowfish, Train, Blues Traveler, and  the theme song from Friends, or as Stephan would call this "music for people who have no taste in music?". Incidentally, Stephan also recently asked me when Sirius XM had designated a station for "Beard Rock," and by this I think he is meaning Bon Iver and Ray LaMontagne, or maybe he means music for guys with beards, who knows?

Seriously, I am actually wondering what it is about the particular instrumentation of Coldplay that leads it algorithmically into Blues Traveler territory ?  The respective demographics for this music is not the same, meaning "just because someone likes Coldplay, doesn't mean they're automatically going to suddenly be attracted to the harmonicas and  stinkiness of John Popper.  By the way, did you ever see that appearance John Popper did on Howard Stern after he lost all that weight, and his man boobs were still so prominent that they had to pixelate them?

So yeah, the rewrites are going well-- can't you tell?

This Sonic Commercial Scares Me.

Friends, let’s talk about this commercial. I have several concerns, one of which is that this guy’s pupils turn into onion rings as soon as he eats the Sonic, and I’m not sure if this is supposed to sell me on Sonic food, or serve as a warning . This song is also in the wrong key, in case you’re keeping track.

It’s not like I’m trying to be an apologist for the band “America,”—let’s be honest, “You Can Do Magic” was not that great of a song when it came out in 1982, but this commercial actually did start me thinking something that disturbed me a little. People—it is entirely possible that there is a whole generation of tv-watching kids who are seeing this Sonic commercial and thinking that this music is ORIGINAL, meaning that if they ever hear the America version, they are going to wonder why those old guys are singing the Sonic song. This reminds me of this one time, when my friend Chris in San Francisco was dating a much-younger guy, and the guy started singing “Getting Better All the Time” because he heard it in a commercial, and Chris sang the rest of the song, and the much-younger guy was like “You can’t just make up lyrics like that.”

Let’s pause for a moment and mourn the tragedy of our lost youth, THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE ON EARTH WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE BEATLES.

I’m just saying, we are old. The other day I made a reference to Pulp Fiction to a customer service person, and she said “Oh, I’ve never seen that movie—didn’t it come out in the 80’s?”

It's Like I Have Trump Tourette's, really.

I think we were discussing awhile back that I try to work hard and I rarely turn down work and therefore I have time management issues, and that one of my pet peeves is people who actually HAVE jobs and yet, seem almost pathologically unwilling to do them for some reason.  By this I mean, if you are working at my post office, and I come in during business hours, and I have a lot of packages, I would like you to conduct my transaction without rolling your eyes, or commenting on how I could have “done this online,” because HELLO YOU WORK THERE I AM BUSY PLEASE LET’S GET THIS DONE.

As I mentioned in the last post, I have no problem saying something if, for instance, someone is creeping up on me in line, so why should it be a surprising to you that if someone is complaining about doing their job, I would call them on this as well?   I am that person who calls people on things, dude.

Uh oh, here it comes.  You’re uncomfortable again.

Because I don’t just say something.   I…..say something.  You know what I mean?   I will call it out.  And in fact, I get a little carried away with it sometimes, and occasionally, I have been known to actually fire people who don’t actually work for me. 

Fire people, you say?  But… that is insane.    And yes, it IS a little bit crazy, but every once in awhile someone aggravates me so much, for no reason at all, I say “You know what?  You’re fired.”  

That really throws people for a loop.    This unauthorized firing has happened several times, and each time, the person in question says something like “Um….I don’t even work for you.”  This makes me laugh, and I usually reply: “No, but if you keep working like this, you are going to get fired, that I promise you.”

I know, it sounds mean.  But, you guys—I honestly do work really hard, and most of the people I know work really hard, and when I take something on I try to do it the best that I can, and when I see someone who is collecting money and doing the absolute bare minimum, somehow I feel I must tell them about a future time when they will, in fact, be fired.   I will admit that I frequently do this with lazy customer service people who work at banks (and also AT & T)—customer service people who CAN find a solution to the issue at hand, but are clearly much more dedicated to passing the buck, and we all know that the phonecall that I have placed is a waste of everyone’s time.  I had a friend back in college who called this kind of practice “collecting,” as in, you are collecting your paycheck without doing any actual work.    This also bothers me because I know some perfectly qualified people who are looking for work and would certainly do a better job at whatever is being done than the person in question.

And that, my friends, is why I fire people who don’t work for me. 

Is this weird?  Maybe.  Still, I think you should try it sometime.  It is quite liberating, and the lazy people’s reactions are really quite noteworthy.  So, the next time you’re super frustrated, just think of me and let that person know that unfortunately, it’s not going to work out, and that they are fired.

omg, are you uncomfortable now?  I thought so.

Creepin!

Speaking of things that are politically incorrect (like submitting a Help Desk ticket for someone to take a drink of water, for God’s sake, how hard is that?), over the weekend I went to Staples to recycle my printer ink (yes, I am a hippie), and this woman in back of me was standing SO CLOSE TO ME.

I’m sure you can see where this is going.

After awhile I couldn’t take it anymore, so I turned around and was like “Excuse me, can I just get you to back up?”

I know.  I KNOW.  AWKWARD, right?

She clearly was put off by this, but oh well, at least I got my space (for about 90 seconds), and then “creeper” decided my transaction was over, and started creeping up on me again.  The transaction WAS almost over- maybe I should have let it go, but really?    Why do some people have to stand SO CLOSE like that?   In this age of identity theft, can’t I just get some personal transactional space so that I don’t feel like I have to put my hand over my credit card information?  Geez louise.  Also, I MADE MY NEEDS CLEAR, so step off out of my space.

But she didn’t care, and she was suddenly back, so close I could feel her breathing on me, and I was like “I’M NOT DONE,” and she’s like “OK, GOODBYE,” and then by the grace of God I got my receipt, and then I took the moral high ground and left, even though Creeper was still crowing about me and how rude I was.

So—where are you on this issue?  Are you the Creeper?  Do you just tolerate getting creeped?  Do you say something?  Are you completely mortified by this story?

This is my role in your life—blurting out my discomfort so that you won’t have to.  

 

(click) testing....is this thing on?

I just noticed that I have a bunch of randomly-scribbled notes about a topic in my notebook, and I thought I would write them up in the hope of giving you a Thursday afternoon laugh.  My topic for today is:  tech people who have strange characteristics, but give presentations on new technologies I am trying to learn more about, so I’m supposed to pretend they’re not strange, which of course makes me laugh. 

You’re probably already aware of this, but the tech industry is like one big continuing education unit all the time, just to know what’s going on.  This means that one of the things I have to do on a regular basis is take webinars (I know, the word makes me cringe too) about new technologies and methodologies.   Maybe because I am weird, I cannot help but notice the different characteristics of the webinar (skeeve) presenters, who happen to also be tech people who, before the advent of the internet and recording technologies would just have been regular geek-types, but are now out there in the world, which apparently doesn’t make them any less geeky or awkward.  I'm pretty sure none of these guys has ever seen a naked lady.

In my notes I have named them as such:

--Guy who sounds like he’s telling a bedtime story.  “Children, do you know about zipped plugins?  What does THIS plugin do?   Do you know how to change the link structure?  Who knows how?”    Who does this guy think he is talking to, I wonder?  Does he think the term “presentation” means he has to talk to everyone like they’re five?   This guy’s technology was not impressive enough for me to endure the entire presentation. 

--Guy who sounds like Dracula:  “Now ve vill go over bookmarking and linking warious sites together.”   This guy’s technology is cool but he lacks an overall methodology, plus he has that crazy accent so every fifth word is something that makes me burst out laughing, like "Key Prozess".    I don’t want to disparage him for being from a foreign country because good for him and I definitely couldn’t give an effective tech presentation in Transylvania, but it’s still funny.   This guy also slams on his keyboard like he’s mad at it.  Why is this necessary?  Does he know that the microphone is picking this up?  This guy has an American business partner whose voice breaks like he's 14, and also, he uses words like "rad" and "super cool" all the time.   

--Guy who needs to take a drink of water:  (click)  Here is a demonstration on how to create (click) a blog post using this specific (click) syntax.”   Note:   Is it wrong that I filed a support ticket letting him know that I almost can’t listen to his voice because his mouth is so tacky?  It’s mean, I know.   Should I remind you that I am married to the Voice of God?  I have high standards, and really, so should you if you are asking me to watch your (click) presentations.

--Guy who says “SEO-Optimization.”  Just shoot me.  I actually Tweeted this guy to stop doing this because I think it makes him sound stupid, and sure enough, his ideas were equally lukewarm.  Perhaps his presentation skills are soft from all the SEO-Optimizing he does all day.  In case you're not the industry, the O stands for Optimization, which is why that's dumb. 

I know, I’m in the peanut gallery making fun of innocent IT geeks, but people!  It takes a lot of energy for me to focus on one thing for a prolonged period of time, and mocking the instructor is what I do with my excess attention.  Come ON!    You know it’s funny.

I'm Back! Amy Winehouse Died! And...how are you?

So, first off, let’s tend to the logistics—yes, it has been awhile since I’ve actually had time to sit down and write a full Funny Strange post, and for that I am sorry.   I got totally inundated with work again and got all scared of my inbox, and then I finally broke down and hired some people, so I feel better about that whole thing now and can take a whole deep breath without wanting to yell “OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO.”    If you really miss me, though, you can see a funny/ strange photostream right here, and of course you can find me on Twitter.

Also, we went to Kentucky to celebrate my dad’s birthday, which was very fun and involved a full-size roasted pig, in case you are curious.  My father is now 70, and has now probably done more cool daredevil stuff than you have ever dreamed of.  Stephan rode motorcycles and speedboats (I did neither of these things because I am a big fat chicken), the trip was short but overall very good, and while we were down there—guess what!  Amy Winehouse died!

Oh, by the way, if you’re going to ask me if it was hot in Kentucky—what do you think?  Of course it was hot, dude.  But, I will add, when we took off from Newark Airport, it was 107 DEGREES THERE, so the “86 and muggy” in the South was like a welcome summer breeze.    I feel like I say this every year no matter where I live—I HATE SUMMER SO MUCH OH MY GOD.   Perhaps I will fulfill my dream of living in 365 days a year, 65 degrees with fog.   It could happen!

Whew, I think I got that out of my system.   Let’s get back to Amy Winehouse, shall we?    Winehouse really falls into the category of not if, but WHEN you were going to hear that she died.   She also shares the distinction of being the second celebrity-type person (along with Ol’ Dirty Bastard from the Wu Tang Clan) who, when I asked him what they died of, Stephan said “Oh, their head fell off.”  Actually, in case you are keeping track, it was Jim Maloy who first said this, but now we have adopted it.

I don’t mean to make light of someone dying, because of course that’s a sad sad tragedy (though honestly, did it not seem like Amy Winehouse just LOVED DRUGS?  I feel like that will be her legacy along with her cool voice and that one good album).   It’s actually pretty sad because it was so NOT shocking.   Oh, and I also wanted to mention that my favorite suckerfish Dr. Drew was back in the news right after this death, saying that Amy Winehouse tried to contact him DAYS before she died.   So surprising.

This brings me to the Wikipedia entry for the 27 Club that Stephan and I were looking at last night, because we got into a discussion about OTHER musicians/ celebrities who died at age 27.   Generally speaking, we made the following observations:

--Oh my God, {insert name} was only 27?   They look so old!   This is especially true in the case of Jim Morrison, who seriously looks like he’s in his forties, and also, his picture looks like a mugshot.

--Oh my God, {insert name} looks like they smell so, SO, SO BAD.   Can you even imagine the breath on Janis Joplin?  Just— gaaahhhhhhh.   I don’t suppose you’d expect people who die at age 27 to keep themselves clean, but I’M JUST SAYING.   We also learned that Ron "Pigpen" McKernan from the Grateful Dead died at age 27, prompting the question:  "How filthy do you have if your nickname is "Pigpen" and you're in the GRATEFUL DEAD?"  Good Lord.

--Oh my God, {insert name} must have put in a ton of effort to die of “natural causes” at age 27.  Good grief, people—that means they used up all of their body’s natural resources and powers of recovery—resources that are supposed to last about 100 years at the modern rate of decay and medical technology—in ONE QUARTER OF THE TIME.  Which really, almost makes you want to say, “Well done, sir!”

--Should {insert name} really be included in this list if their death was a suicide?   I know, no one would ever take Kurt Cobain off of a “Dead at 27” list, but it really does seem like cheating, doesn't it? 

So—what’s new with you?   Have you been attending to your inbox, as well as your dental hygiene?   Do you share my hatred of summer?  What do you think Amy Winehouse died of?