I have recently been pulled over again for what you would call a “Fix it Ticket.” As you’ll recall, in our last episode of “State Troopers Jam Me Up Over Trivial Shit,” I spent a week trying to get one single taillight fixed so I could get the COURT CASE DISMISSED involving this egregious automotive error. This time, I appear to have violated some kind of “Car Inspection” law that I didn’t even know about, and which is very poorly indicated by the sticker they put on your car, if I can give the state of New York some usability feedback.
Apparently you have to get your car inspected every year, not every two years, and if you don’t, you get a ticket that (again) you have to fix and then go to court to get dismissed. COURT, people. With nice pants, and a judge. Oh, and also? The court is so backed up, my date for this latest infraction is at the END OF APRIL, folks. April. I was also given a pamphlet on a six-hour “safe driving” course that I may choose to take to improve my driving record and my car insurance rate, only I don’t know if they’re going to cover things like “car inspection” and “taillights” in the course unless they have a section on
“trivial trumped up bullshit.”
Maybe it’s just because I’m getting pulled over for these nit-picky things, but I do want to point out that each and every time I am being written up, there are people to my left and right going 125 miles per hour like they’re in Tokyo Drift. Some of them are undoubtedly smoking crack and are in fact zombies. When I again pull out onto the highway, I immediately start being tailgated by a semi being driven by that liquid metal guy from the Terminator, and yet none of these things seem deserving of the state trooper’s attention. No joke, when I went to COURT to plead “NOT GUILTY” for my car inspection violation that I had already had fixed, I asked them if there was a “Crazy Driver” hotline that I could call when I see people violating numerous traffic laws, speeding while texting and swerving into my lane, and tailgating bad enough to give me high blood pressure. In response, the court lady gave me a blank stare, slid a small business card under the bullet-proof glass and said “I guess you could call the main number of the highway patrol, but by the time they put you through, the person will probably be gone. Also, don’t use your cellphone while driving.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is, go ahead and break all the laws you want on the highways and byways of New York and Connecticut, but make sure that your taillights and car inspection are in compliance, because if they’re not, THAT’S when the real trouble starts.
Also, and this is just a side note—I would like to designate my “fine” money to go toward the completion of the George Washington Bridge interchange, which (I kid you not) they have been working on since we got here. Probably what they’ll do, though, is put it in the pot for what Stephan and I have come to refer to as “Cones and Arrows,” which is when, on the east coast, they do road construction in the middle of the day for absolutely no good reason other than to have union guys standing around directing traffic. That’s right, I said it. UNIONS. We have a running joke where we think the “Cones and Arrows” guys have a contest going to see how many miles they can get traffic backed up, and where they give each other pointers as to how to get traffic down to one single lane, and where they brag about their accomplishments, like “Oooh, you only got ‘em backed up to the Bronx? I had ‘em at a standstill over the Verrazano and into New Jerseu—that’s two states, baby! King of the Cones! OOOHHH!”
By the way “Ooooh” must be said in your best Pauly Walnuts voice. If you need help on proper usage and intonation of this word, please see this instructive video clip.
