I don't know if you would have heard about this if you're not on the east coast, but the German band Kraftwerk is playing a show at MOMA in April, and Stephan and I (and our friends Alan and Jenn, and Len) were all psyched to go, and apparently so were a bazillion other people, because when tickets went on sale yesterday at noon, everyone was treated to this screen for like, an entire hour, and then all the tickets were gone and the site crashed.
While we were both on our computers, waiting for a chance to buy tickets, we came up with this song, which Stephan recorded and we put on YouTube.
Listen to it now, won't you? It is quite amusing.
Then Jake Fogelnest happened to be online at the very same moment, and he was doing his Kraftwerk/ Kardashian prank, and I happened to tweet him the song, and he put it on his blog, and then a bunch of other people found it entertaining.
So, last week I was at Costco (don’t hate, you know how much I love the discount seltzer water), and while I was on the way out, I noticed a guy who was working in the “food service” section where they sell the delicious pizza, and I had to force myself not to stare at him, because HE HAD A HAIRNET ON HIS BEARD.
Not only had I never seen such a thing, but my mind was overwhelmed with the comedic possibilities and forethought that went into this, so much so that when I got to the parking lot and unloaded my stuff, I Googled “Hairnet for Beard,” and this is what I found:
Yep, this was just about how it looked, weird ear-loop thingies and all, but with one exception: the beard the guy was covering wasn’t even that long or bushy, which sent my mind down an even funnier and more absurd avenue where I’m now trying to figure out why that little bit of facial hair is so important to the guy that he would subject himself to eight hours a day of the indignity of the beard cover/ hairnet. I kid you not, I thought about this the whole way home, trying to imagine his life—does he work there 40 hours a week? How much leisure time does he really have, and is the scruff so integral to that leisure time that he is willing to strap on that beard hairnet every single day? REALLY?? It seems to me like, after awhile, you’d be like “I’m working in food service right now, I can’t take the stares, I can grow this back in a week, I’m going to just shave it and make my life easier.”
When I got home I mentioned this to Stephan, and then he asked me a question which pretty much solved the whole puzzle: “Was the guy bald/ balding?” “Yes,” I replied, “but what does that matter?” This is when he explained that when a guy loses the “full head of hair” option, his facial hair becomes infinitely more important, and that having facial hair options might actually be worth the beard hairnet.
“What if he’s in a band?” he said, and this introduced a whole other wacky scenario in my mind. Maybe hairnet beard guy IS in a band, and maybe the beard is part of his aesthetic, and maybe the hairnet is going to be part of his narrative about “the lean years” where The Man tried to stifle him but he perservered and triumphed over the hairnet, and now he’s Eddie Vedder or something. This is one of the (many, many) funny conversations we’ve had in our house, and why it’s awesome being married to Stephan Cox. As a side not, though, even Stephan Cox (who is Mr. Cool Facial Hair, in case you’re wondering), did agree that for a little bit of scruff vs. eight hours a day of beard hairnet, he himself might give in and shave it off.
Speaking of beards, let’s watch this Saturday Night Live clip from last weekend where Justin Timberlake does a spot-on impression of Bon Iver. I’m actually on the fence about this because I think Justin Vernon is making some of the most innovative music out there right now and I’m super happy that he won a Grammy, but on the other hand, I love Justin Timberlake and am always happy to see him on Saturday Night Live, and also—IS THERE NOTHNG JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CAN’T DO? Seriously. I know he’s kidding around, but listen to his voice— it is eerily similar to Justin Vernon’s. How does he do that? This sketch is also funny for many other reasons, not least of which is Fred Armisen as Prince and Jay Pharoah as Jay-Z.
As a guest. Don't say you weren't thinking "as a contestant," because you know you were, and that is the first thing I thought when I saw the headline on People Magazine's website last week.
Come on, admit it. You know I say these things so you won't have to, and you like this about me.
So, hi! I have again come up for air in the midst of my crazy work schedule which is currently including three websites in various states of re-launchitude, one author on the bestseller list, one author who is being censored by Google, and one author who just had a reading last week. Promoting books is not as hard as writing them, but apples and oranges, dude. Books can be stressful! I keep waiting for things to calm down a little bit, and then, lo and behold, I leave my computer for a day to do something recreational, and when I come back I am once again 65 emails behind.
The lesson, I suppose, is "Never leave your computer." That's healthy, right?
But (and I do mean but) back to Jessica Simpson. Am I the only one who feels like she has been pregnant for 12 months? Is this because she was kind of chunky before, and now she is superchunk chunky, and no one is saying anything because it's rude to talk about a pregnant lady?
Let me explain. Every week when I take a break from doing techie things and read People Magazine (or People's website if I am really pressed for time), and because I am weird, while I am reading I make notes. Snarky notes. Sometimes I am embarrassed to share these notes with you because they are too mean, so I throw them away. Sometimes I make them into a blog post.
Today I have several comments that simply cannot wait.
1. Jessica Simpson is going to be appearing on the Biggest Loser in the "makeover" episode. Um, in case no one has noticed, Jessica Simpson needs to go on the Biggest Loser, because she is 100% one of those skinny fat girls who has just been WAITING to get pregnant so she can eat ribs five times a day, and in case no one has noticed, right now she looks like Jessica Simpson in a Jessica Simpson fat suit.
I KNOW! It's so mean. I can hardly believe I wrote it. To be fair, though, I did run this one by one of my friends, who, when I said "What do you think of when I say 'Jessica Simpson is going on The Biggest Loser?' said, without hesitation, "To lose her baby weight? She needs it!"
So, I guess what I'm wondering is-- did everyone else think this too, or was it just me? I'm curious.
2. Toxicology reports on dead celebrities. Is anyone else wondering why those tests still have to take six to eight weeks? Like, really? There is no rush even for Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston or Heath Ledger? Really?? Or, is it maybe that they HAVE the results right away, and they plead the "six to eight week" defense because they're trying to let the hype die down (pun intended) and figure out how to spin the drug-related death of an icon? My money is on the latter.
3. Is now a good time to say that while she does have a super weird name, Beyonce and Jay-Z's baby Blue Ivy seems to be beautiful, and by that I mean she looks nothing like Jay-Z, and by that I mean let us please refer to the children of Demi Moore, Christie Brinkley, and Whitney Houston, who look just like their fathers? I'm just saying. Don't be mad at me for saying.
4. Bethenny Frankel's miscarriage. This is an incredibly sad thing and of course we are very sad and sorry for her, but she waits until the morning of the premiere of her reality tv show to announce this news on the Today Show? Am I the only one who finds this unbelievably, over the top cynical? I have had admiration for Bethenny in the past because of her business succcess, but I do think she looks like she has an eating disorder, and I think sharing private information like that is gross, especially when it's clearly being done for ratings. Yuck. Double yuck!
Oh, and in case you are wondering, the answer is "Absolutely yes, Stephan and I will be live-blogging the Oscars this year," so be sure to tune in to your Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media you prefer to snark right along with us. I'm thinking of setting up a special Tumblr blog just for this occasion.
Come on-- are you thinking/ wondering these things too? I want to believe it's not just me.
Also, here is a nifty widget that displays all the books I have written, in case you are new here, have just decided you like my writing, and would like to buy one of them. Who am I to stop you?
I know, I went all "absentee parent" on you, but I do want you let you know that I am working diligently on several awesome things that I will announce to you by the end of the month (I know! The suspense!).
Because I am too superstitious to tell you that news (don't get all worked up, I'm not having a baby, it's a business announcement), I will give you some other news and updates.
Another person gave a good review of my YA novel "The Dirt .". If you haven't read that one already, what the heck are you waiting for? Even my dad liked it, and that is soooo not his genre. Besides, you like it when I snark and make fun of people, and I do a lot of that in this book, so I think while I'm off working on that other (secret) project, you maybe could get that book and read it so you don't miss me too much.
You guys. It’s time for us to talk about Paul McCartney’s new album. Not the album itself, because if I’m being honest, I probably haven’t bought a Paul McCartney album since his “Wings” days, because hearing one of the voices from the Beatles makes me a little sad inside.
Now, though, I noticed that his new album is out, and that he has titled said album “Kisses on the Bottom.”
Kisses. On. The. Bottom.
Brad Paisley made headlines for making fun of Sir Paul’s choice of album title, and though I am not really a “Brad Paisley music” kind of person, his comments not only made me laugh, but surprised me as a reflection of a pithiness and intelligence that I did not know he possessed. Good for you, Brad Paisley!
But (no pun intended), back to the bottom. Kisses on the Bottom, to be exact. Sir Paul wants us to know that he’s not bothered by the fact that people are making fun of his album choice, and his reasoning for this is that “People made fun of us for calling our band “The Beatles.,’ and if you want to know what the title means, think “Kisses on the Bottom of a Letter.”
Um, yeah. This kind of gives you a brief insight into why the Beatles were awesome, and why they eventually couldn’t work together anymore. The reason, friends, is because Paul is a dork, and John was edgy. They balanced each other out like a perfect salad dressing. Put them together, and you get the perfect salad dressing. “Sargaent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” is a good example of this—just dorky enough to appeal to moms, but edgy enough to sound cool.
This leads me to wonder—does Paul McCartney have “Michael Jackson-it is,” whereby no one will tell him that “Kisses on the Bottom” has a completely different meaning in this day and age, and that NO ONE IS GOING TO FILL IN the “of a letter” part of this equation?
I’m just saying, calling an album “Kisses on the Bottom” makes for one oily salad.
How to Become a Pharmacist We're launching a project where we make educational cartoons. Here is the pilot, "How to Become a Pharmacist."
Laser Pet Toy My favorite pet toy of all time. Good for a cat, good for a dog, and it's also a pen and a flashlight. Good Lord.
Maria Carvainis Agency Maria Carvainis Agency, discovering new talent and managing bestselling careers for more than 30 years.
My Book on Book Marketing Not ironically, I wrote a book on how to market a book, and called it "How to Market a Book." I wish more writers would take the initiative to get out their on their own behalf, so I wrote up a set of instructions on how to do that.