So, last week I was at Costco (don’t hate, you know how much I love the discount seltzer water), and while I was on the way out, I noticed a guy who was working in the “food service” section where they sell the delicious pizza, and I had to force myself not to stare at him, because HE HAD A HAIRNET ON HIS BEARD.
Not only had I never seen such a thing, but my mind was overwhelmed with the comedic possibilities and forethought that went into this, so much so that when I got to the parking lot and unloaded my stuff, I Googled “Hairnet for Beard,” and this is what I found:
Yep, this was just about how it looked, weird ear-loop thingies and all, but with one exception: the beard the guy was covering wasn’t even that long or bushy, which sent my mind down an even funnier and more absurd avenue where I’m now trying to figure out why that little bit of facial hair is so important to the guy that he would subject himself to eight hours a day of the indignity of the beard cover/ hairnet. I kid you not, I thought about this the whole way home, trying to imagine his life—does he work there 40 hours a week? How much leisure time does he really have, and is the scruff so integral to that leisure time that he is willing to strap on that beard hairnet every single day? REALLY?? It seems to me like, after awhile, you’d be like “I’m working in food service right now, I can’t take the stares, I can grow this back in a week, I’m going to just shave it and make my life easier.”
When I got home I mentioned this to Stephan, and then he asked me a question which pretty much solved the whole puzzle: “Was the guy bald/ balding?” “Yes,” I replied, “but what does that matter?” This is when he explained that when a guy loses the “full head of hair” option, his facial hair becomes infinitely more important, and that having facial hair options might actually be worth the beard hairnet.
“What if he’s in a band?” he said, and this introduced a whole other wacky scenario in my mind. Maybe hairnet beard guy IS in a band, and maybe the beard is part of his aesthetic, and maybe the hairnet is going to be part of his narrative about “the lean years” where The Man tried to stifle him but he perservered and triumphed over the hairnet, and now he’s Eddie Vedder or something. This is one of the (many, many) funny conversations we’ve had in our house, and why it’s awesome being married to Stephan Cox. As a side not, though, even Stephan Cox (who is Mr. Cool Facial Hair, in case you’re wondering), did agree that for a little bit of scruff vs. eight hours a day of beard hairnet, he himself might give in and shave it off.
Speaking of beards, let’s watch this Saturday Night Live clip from last weekend where Justin Timberlake does a spot-on impression of Bon Iver. I’m actually on the fence about this because I think Justin Vernon is making some of the most innovative music out there right now and I’m super happy that he won a Grammy, but on the other hand, I love Justin Timberlake and am always happy to see him on Saturday Night Live, and also—IS THERE NOTHNG JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CAN’T DO? Seriously. I know he’s kidding around, but listen to his voice— it is eerily similar to Justin Vernon’s. How does he do that? This sketch is also funny for many other reasons, not least of which is Fred Armisen as Prince and Jay Pharoah as Jay-Z.