You guys! I was reading this article recently, and then I read that Britney Spears is about to sign a deal to be on X Factor for $15 million, and for some reason, it bothers me so much that the whole “financial conservatorship” thing is ongoing, never-ending, and somehow accepted by everything that I decided since no one else in her life is doing this, I would just go ahead and write this letter to Britney Spears, encouraging her to take control of her financial life. Bear with me—I feel like I need to do a woman-to-woman intervention here for a second. Woman power!
Dear Britney Spears,
Congratulations on your engagement, and on your impending, record-setting, $15 million dollar X-Factor deal. I am a little concerned though-- I recently read an article that your father went to court to give your future husband partial control over your finances, and that the court agreed, and when I read that I was all “Britney WHAAAT?” Wasn't it FIVE YEARS AGO that you had those issues? Did you know that once you are an adult, you don’t HAVE to have a “financial conservator” keeping watch over your affairs and your money? You are THIRTY YEARS OLD, Britney Spears. Yes, you had some problems and possibly even a mental breakdown, but who in the entertainment industry hasn’t? You handled your shiz, lady. You should ask the court to give control of your life back to YOU before you get married again and let yet another guy control your fortune. You’re a grown-ass woman with two little kids and a ton of residuals coming in, Britney Spears. You seriously cannot still think that your father being in control and you just getting an allowance is the way that adult life works, right? I know you probably don’t want to go to business school, but come ON, Britney Spears. One financial education course, maybe? You must at least be curious as to your actual net worth, right? RIGHT? Let me give you a hint: while you were reading this letter, you made approximately $150,000.
I know, I know, you were emotionally stunted and hypersexualized at a young age by that whole “Hit me baby one more time” album. We get it. One only need take a look at Lindsay Lohan, who actually seems to need adult supervision, to observe the sad consequence of child stardom. But, Catholic school-themed videos aside, you cannot stay young forever, and taking control of your financial life is part of growing up.
I know, I don’t know you personally, but it actually does seem like someone needs to sit you down and explain to you that even though you were made into a commodity at one time, THAT MONEY BELONGS TO YOU and you should make an effort to get that control back before you get married again (for the third time, and P.S., you are thirty, is this a good idea?), and CERTAINLY before you sign your X Factor deal.
Britney, I know from watching clips of your “Britney Loves Kevin” documentary that you are maybe not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, and that is ok. You’re beautiful, you are a great dancer, and you’re super, super, SUPER RICH. You, Britney. Not your father, not your fiancé, and (if you should end up calling it quits with him), not the next guy to come along (or even the one after that). YOU ARE RICH, BRITNEY SPEARS. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
That is all. Thank you for your time and attention to this matter of great import, and best of luck with your X Factor deal.