This is a photograph of one of our trashcans, which (since both Stephan and I are germaphobic and we take the garbage out every single day) will never end us up on "Hoarders."
Recently, we were watching an episode of “Hoarders,” when I felt compelled to pitch Stephan a new reality show I’ve been thinking about.
Actually, what reminded me of this was when the behavior therapist came to help the hoarder lady, and she (like all good hoarders) said the magic words “Let me just look at that.”
I don’t know if you’re with me on this, but I think we can all agree—if your hoarding problem has gotten bad enough that you qualify for an episode of “Hoarders,” you are probably not going to be cured with one well-meaning therapist and a junk-hauling crew. Listen, I suffer from OCD myself (we can talk more about this later, because mine manifests itself in super-random thoughs and obsessive rumination, not hoarding), so I’m going to tell you the God’s-honest truth: the minute that therapist leaves, that person is going back to hoarding. If you come back in six months, that person will have miraculously built up a new pile of garbage with a couple of flat dead cats at the bottom, because just removing the garbage does not even begin to address what's really wrong with them. And really, that’s what we’re interested in, right? We’re fascinated with the pile of garbage, the outward manifestation of the mental illness, not the illness itself. We like to laugh at people who are weird. I’m with you, America!
With that in mind, I would like to propose a new show called “@SS FACED GARBAGE PEOPLE.” I added the first part because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the people on “Hoarders” are terrible looking, probably as a requirement, because Hollywood producers know that if they put an attractive person in a pile of garbage, this would hit too close to home, and the entertainment value would drop.
“@SS FACED GARBAGE PEOPLE” starts out as an episode of “Hoarders,” actually, but the moment you see the person resisting, I propose that you just set up cameras in their house, so we can see how this is going to play out. They clearly are treatment-resistant, so I think whoever is producing the show should just go with this and see how the narrative goes, "Hunger Games" style. Life in garbage is interesting and challenging, I would imagine, and so in each episode, we can just check in on how one of the characters is doing, to see if they are dead yet in their garbage pile.
I know, you’re shaking your head like “I can’t believe she’s saying these things,” but you know you’d watch it.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes, I have capitalized the title because I would like the words “@SS FACED GARBAGE PEOPLE” to be said in a shouting volume, every single time. That’s really what they’re after with that show, right? Exploiting the entertaining habits of the mentally ill? Let’s go for it! Maybe we can try to rehabilitate some schizophrenics while we’re at it and show that getting wrapped up within a one-hour time frame.
I actually don’t know who I am more disgusted with in this scenario. Would that be the hoarder, for letting their mental illness get so out of control that they are living in garbage, or reality TV for trying to tie it up in a neat little package? I’ll have to get back to you on that one. For now, please consider my pitch and let me know what you think.
You'll notice that I cleverly added the @ symbol to the title of the show, so'in you would still get this post if you are receiving the Funny Strange over email. Tomorrow, we will be discussing hitchhiker hobos, as in: hitchhikers are still a thing, and this surprises me.
