Funny Strange, by Lori Culwell

ALIVE! Vitamin Commercial: Stop Looking at My Stuff.

Something about this ALIVE! vitamin commercial has been bothering me every time I see it, and I think I’ve finally figured out what it is. Let’s watch:
I think the problem here is that one woman is breaking the unspoken code of the grocery store, which is DON’T LOOK AT MY STUFF, and further, DON’T TALK ABOUT MY STUFF. I am assuming that everyone else feels this same way, that they don’t want their personal stuff on the grocery belt being ogled by strangers. It’s wrong. Grocery store wrong, I tell you.

Then they take it one step further by starting to discuss their lives and I just think it's funny because luckily they're buying vitamins instead of Metamucil and squid juice. I don’t know about you, but I have probably never been to a grocery store where myself, the person in line in back of me, and the cashier all have similar interests and would buy the same product. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I’m always in line in front of a guy buying eight bottles of vodka, some sardines in tomato sauce, and coconut Oreos. This is the reason for the “Unspoken Grocery Store Code.” I don’t want to know what that guy is doing with all that stuff, and I don’t want him talking to me about my sparkling water and Dove dark chocolate. I also don’t want the opinion of the grocery store cashier, who is balding and smells like cheese.

This also makes me think, I could never be a grocery store cashier, because I would make up a story in my head about every single person that checked out, to the point where I would distract myself and not be very good at the job. All day long I would be like “weirdo, alcoholic, hooker, hoarder, coupon weirdo,” and this would make me slow and inefficient. ALIVE!, and by the way, what is with that aggressive exclamation point, I know it’s made of fruits and vegetables, but every time I see the exclamation point I think of zombies, like is this a zombie vitamin? IT’S ALIVE!

ALIVE! also has that weird commercial where the woman’s body is made of live things like a garden and trees and stuff, and every time they get to where her colon is supposed to be, I think it’s gears and pulleys and stuff, and I think “is that supposed to represent poo? Will there be poo in this commercial?”
The whole thing is just weird because yes, I get it, I’m alive, and the vitamin is alive, blah blah blah, but it’s just silly and a little weird that they are implying my feet are made of weeds. In case you’re curious, ALIVE! also makes a gummy vitamin for adults, which just….oh my God. You are 40 years old. Learn to swallow a vitamin like a big boy.

All of this is to say, whenever I see this vitamin or its commercials, I don’t think “That vitamin sounds awesome and I would like to try it,” all I think of is the advertising agency, and that is never good, because in case it’s not clear, I actually take a lot of vitamins, so I am this company’s exact target demographic.

Tech Talk: Review, InfiniteWP

Today I want to tell you about a cool piece of technology that made my whole “website development company” so much more streamlined, I have time to  be a writer again.

So, that’s your cue to look away if you’re just here for pictures of weird food, hand-written signs, or descriptions of people who drive their car while the alarm is going off.  This is one of those “tech nerd” posts.  You have been warned!

I’m assuming that some of you are using Wordpress, and further, some of you even have more than one Wordpress installation going (hopefully not all on the same hosting account, because if that is the case, you are at risk of being hacked.  Be sure to diversify! No more than 10 domains per hosting account, people!).   To be clear, I’m talking about individual domains with their own Wordpress installations, not a big ol’ Wordpress.mu monster if you have one of those.

One of my “things to do in 2013” was to find a more streamlined method of managing multiple Wordpress installations and websites, and with that in mind, I have been using InfiniteWP.      This is a tool that you can use to manage multiple domains (on different hosting accounts/ IP addresses), and though it is a little bit complicated to set up (I couldn’t figure it out, so I paid the $39 for the professional install), once I got all of my sites and my clients’ sites in there, I probably can’t express to you the sheer awesomeness of being able to update 25 plugins by clicking one button.

Does that not sound awesome to you?   If not, then you probably have never spent an entire day updating Wordpress themes and plugins, one by one by one, to the point where you’re watching entire movies on your other computer because that kind of repetitive work reminds you of jobs you did after college.   Also, NOT updating your Wordpress installation, themes, and plugins is simply not an option, because leaving old stuff hanging around on your hosting server is an open invitation for hackage.  So, I’m sure you can imagine, once I got the setup done and added all the websites to InfiniteWP, I’m now actually excited to log in to the dashboard, because it is now just so damned easy to update. 

InfiniteWP is free (although, like I said, I would really recommend shelling out for the pro installation), and once you get over the hump with the setup, I cannot say enough nice things about all the time it will save you.  Go over there and watch the little video!  It is definitely my “favorite new tech thing” for this year. Stephan is probably very excited that he can ask me to update something on one of his websites without my swearing and having to locate the passwords. 

Oh, also, in case you are a Wordpress person, I feel it is important for you to know that I waited a few days before doing the latest update because the last time I installed the update on the day it came out, it crashed all my plugins and I cried a little bit.   Version 3.5.1 does seem to be plugin-friendly, so I hit the magic “Update All” button a few days ago and updated all of my bazillion websites, and everything is fine.  All clear!  Update away!

Seriously, go update your Wordpress, themes, and plugins.  I don’t want you to get hacked.    Wordpress may be open-source and groovy and free and all, but regular maintenance is actually really important.

Go get InfiniteWP, then come back and tell me how much time you’re saving!  I'm not even getting anything for telling you this, except perhaps the satisfaction of knowing that your life will now be a little bit more awesome.

Brittany Geragotelis' "What the Spell" Came Out, and I'm Excited!

Since I brought you down with a “lack of success” story yesterday, today I am going to use my writer powers for good (and not for evil) to highlight a big success and to throw some pub day love at my friend Brittany Geragotelis, whose book, “What the Spell” came out today!  I'm always excited when nice people who work hard succeed, so I am dedicating today's blog post to her success and her awesome book.

Here is a selfie of me with my brand-new copy, which has just arrived in the mail. To answer your question, yes, it is still very cold on the East Coast, so I am indeed sitting in my office wearing an "outside coat," two sweaters, and a scarf.  To answer your OTHER question, yes, I have heard about this new-fangled invention called the "Kindle" and I do know that books can be downloaded through the ethers, but since Brittany is my friend, this is a special occasion, and I want to get her to sign it, I pre-ordered an old-fashioned book from Amazon.  Usually, though, I do read books on the Kindle app for my iPad.

If you don’t know Brit’s name already, you are about to in a big way. She and I are kindred self-promoter spirits, and here are some of the reasons why she’s been so successful.

No surprises here, this is the kind of thing I tell authors and other creative types every single day:

She’s smart: She blogs, she writes, she was managing editor at American Cheerleader magazine for 10 years. Holla!

She’s social: Brittany earned her success with 12 million downloads on WattPad. Here is a story all about that. She is also active on Twitter and her Facebook Fan Page.   See how everything is set up correctly?  This is a great example of an organized creative-type person.

She put in lots and lots of writing hours. Before this “Cinderella” moment, Brittany was a writer just like you with SIX UNPUBLISHED NOVELS. This basically means if you have five unpublished novels, you are not allowed to get depressed. Here's the full Publisher's Weekly article, in case you're interested in reading all about how she did it.  

Here's the cover for "What the Spell," and here is my endorsement:  if you liked my books “Hollywood Car Wash” or “The Dirt,” or if you have teenagers or are into magic, you are sure to love “What the Spell.” Also, Amazon has it on 30% discount for the time being, so get right on that!   Here's the book trailer, in case you feel like you need even more convincing:

I'm also going to Brittany's book launch party on Friday night, so I'm sure I will be Instagramming some photos of myself getting a "magical makeover," or putting glittery makeup on Stephan.  It could happen!

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How Not to Be a Successful Musician: a Case Study

Today I’m talking about two of my favorite subjects—music and marketing. In this example, they just happen to taste great together.

Just in case you think I am picking on the guy I'm about to discuss, think again—I’ve actually been trying to help him (for free) for more than a month, and he has acknowledged that everything I have told him to do is right, but he hasn’t changed anything, so I now feel justified in making an example of him.

Okay, so—here is an example of “what not to do if you’re a musician/ actor/ artist.” I think it’s so awesome when creative types get national / international exposure (like through a tv show, or something they’ve created goes viral, or someone with a huge audience becomes their fan and starts talking about them). HOWEVER (and this is a big however), I notice this quite often-- creative types tend to not be very organized, and not great at making sure their networks are up and running and that people can find them/ buy their stuff, and this always hurts them.

You might have noticed that the show “Parenthood” has awesome music. This is because they have Liza Richardson (from KCRW) as their music supervisor. Over the years, Parenthood has featured songs from Bob Dylan to Ben Gibbard to Joshua Radin and almost everyone in between. Parenthood is a huge, enormous platform for your music to be on, and if you get on it, you can guarantee that you’re going to expand your audience of fans exponentially, and this could very well be the moment when your career takes off. At very least, it is a huge deal, and if, in your music career, you get the chance for that kind of exposure, you owe it to yourself and people who want to become your fans to at least have your sh$t together enough to make that music available. You don’t want to be proactive about your social media? You feel like you want to make music and that technology is beneath you? But, to function in the world as a creative type, you must at least make it easy for people to find your music. Not doing this is not just self-sabotage. I might even go so far as to say it is insulting to organized, together musicians who don’t get this kind of amazing opportunity for exposure. I am going to show you what happens when you get a big break and you’re not set up for it.

First, an example of “What to Do”: I am a big fan of Joshua Radin’s and have bought a bunch of his music, and Parenthood is also where I found out about him. If you’ll just click over to Radin’s Wikipedia listing really quick, though, you will easily be able to tell that he was 100% prepared for his first opportunity, and this has translated into a career, many more TV placements, and several popular albums. If you haven’t heard of him, I am so happy to be able to introduce you to his music.

In case you’re curious, Joshua Radin’s music appeared in episodes of “Scrubs” and in the movie “Garden State,” which probably means he caught the attention of Zach Braff’s at some point, and was organized enough to grow his following and his career until he now can be heard all over.

With that in mind, I am going to walk you through the exact opposite of the Joshua Radin scenario, mostly to emphasize to you that you really do need to be prepared, because you never know when that big break is going to hit you. You might have heard a great song at the end of the January 1st episode “Keep on Rowing.” Here’s the clip I’m talking about.

Awesome! So, you love the music, right? Me too. Here’s what happened when I tried to find out more about the album/ the artist. I took to the internet, fully prepared to actually shell out money for this person’s album and to become their fan.

First, I used the Shazam app in my phone to find out the name of that amazing song. Shazam for TV comes up and lists all the music it knows about in that episode, and this song is not one of them. Since Shazam presumably pulls its data from iTunes, that means that this song is not available there, which is beyond absurd for a song that has just been heard by millions of people. Strike one/ one missed opportunity for me to buy this person’s music.

Second, I go to Tunefind, which is the super-awesome website where you can usually find out what music is being used in TV shows. Here is the TuneFind listing for this particular episode: http://www.tunefind.com/show/parenthood/season-4/13191 . TuneFind is cool because it lets you hear a clip, then gives you the opportunity to buy the song on iTunes or Amazon.

You’ll notice that the only mention of the song I’m talking about is in the comments/ discussion section, where someone finally identifies the artist and the song.  His name is Ruu Campbell, and the name of the song is "Mathereal," but knowing this is not going to get you very far, because Campbell seems to be determined to make it difficult for you to buy his music.  The fact that there is no clip and no opportunity to buy the music on iTunes or Amazon indicates to me that this musician KNEW his music was going to be on Parenthood and had the opportunity to make it available, and for whatever reason did not do this. Strike two/ another missed opportunity for me to buy his music. This is a real example. He really lost money.

Third, now I’m playing amateur detective, I go to YouTube to see if anyone (including the artist himself) has put up a clip that maybe goes to a website where I can purchase and download this song. I find the artist, but there are only a few songs up, not this one. Note that I’m only doing this now because I’m a marketing person and I’m curious as to how far this musician is going to go to sabotage himself. Any normal music fan would have given up after Step 1. That’s thousands (or tens of thousands) of missed opportunities. I would call this Strike 3, but I was already not buying his music after Strike 2, so now I’m just using the numbers to keep a count.

Fourth, I Google the musician, and find out that he does have a website. Great, although as I mentioned, people are lazy, so most of the people watching Parenthood are not going to do this. I am surprised/ disappointed to see that his website makes no mention AT ALL of his music having been on the show, and that the site lacks navigation and is made of Flash, which means it doesn’t work on mobile/ iPads/ tablets. Finally (!) I see that he has an album for sale, but apparently I will have to “Pre-Order” a hard copy, which he will send from England. There is no way I’m doing this. Further, and now I just feel like I’m watching a slow-motion marketing train wreck, his “Music” section has samples from his album, but the song I like IS NOT ONE OF THE SAMPLES, and I’m confused as to whether that song actually even appears on the album. Now I feel a little nauseated, just thinking about all the people who are having this same experience. There also is nowhere to sign up for tour information. Did you know that (even above music/ downloads) touring is where musicians make most of their money? Again, what a colossal waste.

Finally, I go from his website over to his Facebook Fan Page, where I notice that people are leaving comments like “How come I can’t buy your music on iTunes?” Statistically speaking, figure that for every ONE person who actually leaves a comment or sends you an email, 100 other people have had the same experience and quit. This means that every time you read one of these comments, this musician has lost at least 100 fans, probably many more. Because I honestly want to help this guy, I join in with the other people who are urging him to upload a copy of his album to iTunes. He argues back several times, saying that the album was a “pre-release” and hard copies were the best he could do. This I do not believe, as it would only be too easy for him to upload that particular song to YouTube and provide a link to order it, or to just throw it up on CDBaby or Amazon. After a little digging, I discover that he has known about the Parenthood pickup since September, which to me pushes him over the edge from “absent minded musician” to “willfully trying to self sabotage.” He does indicate that he’s “working on” getting his music into iTunes, but since Season Four of Parenthood is now over, I’m afraid whatever he puts up is going to be “too little, WAY too late.”

 

I don’t even know how to tell you how sad this makes me, on behalf of friends and clients and other awesome musicians who will never even get a chance that this musician is just throwing away with all of the excuses and lack of organization. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but I personally know people who have been in the music industry for 20+ years, who have their stuff together, and for whom a break like this would be a miracle that they would never take for granted. This lack of responsibility angers me. And, in case you’re going to come back with “maybe he just wants to be a musician and do his art,” that would be just fine, but riddle me this: if he’s not interested in commercial exposure, how did his music end up on Parenthood? That is not the kind of thing that happens by accident. Someone had to work very hard to get his music into Liza Richardson’s hands. They succeeded, and then the failure was in the follow through.

Actually , I will leave it to one of the other commenters on his Facebook Fan Page, who expressed my disappointed sentiment in a more concise and direct way than I could:

It bugs me to no end that there are SUPER talented musicians all over the world just like you, but they are never successful because they won't take simple advice… Putting your music on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, or really any other music downloading service is NOT THAT HARD. If people look you up and can't get your music within the day, they'll probably forget about you and move on. I hate to say this, but if you aren't willing to work for your music career, you don't deserve it.

Ouch. I think the last line says it best. This is one of the worst examples of a creative type completely squandering a huge opportunity that I have personally ever seen. I actually think Liza Richardson’s staff should make a set of minimum standards that a musician has to meet before they will put their music on the show (like access to digital versions of the songs), because I’m as sure as I can be that this also created hassles for them when frustrated viewers wrote, Tweeted and Facebook messaged them to try to find out what song that was and where they could buy it.

In conclusion, I hope he gets it together, but I really think his big moment has passed and that he blew it. Moreover, I hope that other creative types can learn from this. It is never too soon for you to be organized, together, and business-like about your creative pursuits. If you can take anything from this case study, please take a look (today) at your own network (website, social media, etc) to make sure that when your big break comes along, you are ready. Learn about websites/ social media. Find out more about selling your stuff online. There really is no time like the present. Don’t let this happen to you.

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Dude, Just Admit It. Your Car Alarm is Broken.

So, yesterday I’m at Costco, and I’m parking the car, and I hear what sounds like a sickly, maybe malfunctioning alarm sound coming from across the parking lot.   It keeps going for a long time, and it is funny to me how like, no one is even looking to see where it’s coming from, because “car alarm” has gone from being “the sound that indicates someone is stealing a car and you should call the authorities” to “the sound that indicates someone is annoying and has an old car, and they need to come turn that alarm off.”  It’s interesting how something that was seemingly so useful a few decades ago is now just a common, annoying sound, meaning that it has lost all of its cultural currency.  This also makes me wonder why they are even putting alarms in cars anymore, since the lack of value would seem to indicate that any money spent on an alarm is wasted money

 

Anyhoo, the alarm keeps going, and going, and the alarm is kind of weak and warbly-sounding, so it sounds more like circus music than an actual car alarm, and now I’m curious, so I look around, only to discover that there are people sitting in the car (which is a beige Toyota, in case you're wondering), the alarm of which is going off.  What’s weird about this is that these people do not look AT ALL like they’re concerned or embarrassed or looking for a way to disable the alarm.  The driver is a 40ish looking guy, and the passenger is an older-looking, white-haired woman who I’m assuming is his mother, and they both are just sitting there, like “Yeah, the car alarm is going off, and we’re just sitting here.  No big whoop.” 

 Situations like this make me start to doubt my own sanity a little bit, like “Can other people (including the people in the car) not hear the alarm?  This is getting a little surreal,” and I really want to pull out my phone and shoot some video of them so I can show you and prove to myself that this actually happened, but a) I don’t want to embarrass them more in case they really are trying to handle the situation, and b) there is no time to start shooting video, because just as I’m thinking about ways to shoot this video in an unobtrusive way, the guy starts up the car and they drive away in it, alarm blaring, lights flashing, sounding like some kind of demented, clownish ice cream truck.  

Here’s the thing—I can hear the car, so I can hear them make a big loop around the Costco parking lot, not actually leaving, but circling back around a couple of times before they finally make the right turn onto the street and leave for good.

This whole situation makes my mind reel.   What will happen next?  Do they have clowns in their trunk?  WHY did neither of them even make the semblance of a face, acknowledging that this was a less than ideal situation and they were trying to handle it?   Is it even legal to drive with your car alarm going off like that?   Also, the hazard lights were flashing as part of the “alarm going off” scenario, and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be moving the car when the hazards are on.  Are they going to drive around like this until they find an open repair shop or gas station (on a Sunday) that can disable the alarm?  Do you call AAA if this happens, and they bring a tow truck (which takes at least an hour)?   I recall someone telling me once that your car can be towed after 30 minutes of the alarm going off, and that makes me wonder—do the guys at the impound/ tow yard just know how to disable the alarm of every make and model of car on the market?   Maybe they should have just gone straight there.

I will admit, I sat there for awhile waiting for them to come back so I could ask, but either they got the alarm to stop, or they kept moving, clowning it up as they went down the road.  I never got my answer to any of these questions.

Where I Watch Les Miserables and Summarize it For You, Part II

Okay, I’m picking up my Les Miserables breakdown again. I know it seems long, but think of all the valuable time you’re saving by not actually having to see the movie. Actually, you could watch this trailer as well, and that would get you much closer to an understanding of the story and the tons of dirt makeup and very many, many extras it took to make this film.



In this installment of “Les Miserables, summarized,” I take a turn into extreme germaphobia and grossed-outedness when one of the scenes is set in a sewer that is much more sewer-y than I remember from the stage version, and I come to understand that they can spend big money making the sewer look realistic, but apparently being able to see Anne Hathaway’s blacked-out teeth is not an issue.

As you’ll recall, we were right in the middle of the June Uprising, during which everyone was singing and fighting (it really happened this way, you guys!).

-- Gavroche (the kid from Oliver) is back with a report. I long for him to break into “Consider Yourself…At Home.” Seriously—why is he so Cockney British? Later it will become clear that he’s only there to provide upper-register harmonies and to serve as the Christ symbol when the gendarme kill him. PS Did anyone ever notice that the music following the killing of Gavroche could pass for any number of songs from “Phantom?” Since Cameron Mackintosh is the producer of both of these musicals, I guess we’ll give this one a pass, but I did want to point out that if you think you’re hearing similarities, you are not insane. Also, now is probably a good time to mention that Cameron Mackintosh is the richest man on the face of the earth, and that he is probably sending someone to sniper me as we speak.

--Russell Crowe sing/ acts the line “Shoot me now or shoot me later…I renounce your people’s court.” This might be the funniest line in the entire musical.

-- “French Revolution…..fire!” This line confuses me. Everyone knows this is not a story about the French Revolution, right? Even the people in the story know what year it is, I’m assuming. Is this reference historically accurate?

-- Valjean/ La Mer pardons Javert. A bad idea for so many reasons, not least of which is the fact that this means more Russell Crowe singing. Why do I feel like there was a production meeting, and the producers were all “That Javert character is too one-dimensional. Let’s flesh him out—using Russell Crowe.” Actually, did you know that Paul Bettany was being considered for this role before Crowe? Paul Bettany would be that guy with the transparent eyelashes from “A Beautiful Mind,” otherwise known as “Jennifer Connelly’s husband.” No word on whether Paul Bettany can actually sing either, just a fun factoid.

--“Bring Him Home.” You know—I really have to hand it to Hugh Jackman. He must know that at least a small percentage of what he’s doing is extremely silly, but he is TOTAL COMMITMENT, this guy. He deserves a Golden Globe just for playing along, in my opinion.

--Singing, singing, fighting, fighting….. that Dramatic Arts degree is coming in very handy right now…. Also, the orchestration for the fight scene IS a song from Phantom, I’m sorry but it’s true.

-- Half the cast falls into the sewer from the “Shawshank Redemption.” I can’t concentrate because I have a minor OCD/ germaphobia heart attack. OMG…. So….much….sewage. I have to cover my eyes like it’s a horror movie. All scenes that follow this one are, for me, tainted by the fact that the players are covered in raw sewage, are stinkier and germier than anyone has ever been, and need a Silkwood shower immediately, and it’s 1830’s France, so they are all going to be dead in five minutes because antibiotics are not invented until  1945.  I believe the stage version suggests a sewer, but the film version is going all out with the sewage special effects, and it’s making me want to barf.

--Javert chooses to throw his gun in raw sewage. Good for him, I guess, but again, that’s raw sewage, and all I can think now is “Now some sad schmuck is going to going to fall into raw sewage ONTO A LOADED GUN, where he will die of a gunshot wound as well as dysentery.”

SPOILER ALERT—Javert has a crisis of faith and chooses to kill himself. I think it’s ironic that he survives 1830’s France, some wars, and a sewer, then throws himself into an aqueduct. Maybe he has OCD and is positive he’s never going to be clean again.

--Marius wakes up, and it looks like he’s recovering from a gunshot wound, but you and I know he at least has hepatitis from that sewer. That’ll be a pain that lingers, no matter how much you sing about it, dude. Let’s take “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” to have a double meaning, signifying not only his friends who have fallen in battle, but also the fact that he will never be able to get rid of that sewer stink with some 1830s French soap.  I'm just saying.

--Marius reunites with Cosette, and why is no one mentioning that he still smells like poo?

--I do not believe Amanda Seyfried is hitting those notes on her own. Sorry. She is a lovely girl.

-- Valjean/ La Mer tells Marius about his past. Wait—Cosette NEVER KNEW that he was Jean Valjean, on parole and on the run? Why’d she think they had to keep picking up and moving at the spur of the moment? Did she think they were in the Witness Protection Program or something?

--Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen are back as the Thenardier. Again, HBC looks like she’s wearing her own clothes, and like she’s dressed Sacha Baron Cohen in a Tim Burton original outfit. Still, they are funny and their appearance is a welcome respite from all the seriousness and sewage. They tell Marius that Valjean is hiding in the convent, and guess what? He’s dying. Probably from something he picked up in that sewer. Who has OCD now, bitches? Wouldn’t some hand sanitizer have been so nice?

-- Valjean's teeth suddenly look really bad. Is this to indicate some kind of ailment? Does he have foot in mouth disease (from the sewer)? Is he dying of old age, since he’s probably 50 and the average life expectancy in 1830’s France was about 45?

--Valjean has a dying vision of Fantine. Um….why does Anne Hathaway still have her ugly hair and makeup on? Are we not to believe that people go back to their best looking states in Heaven? This is what I would like to believe.

--Entire cast and approximately 4,000 other people perform the closing song “Do You Hear the People Sing?” Seriously—that is a ton of people. How long must that shot have taken? What was it like to be an extra in that film? If anyone has a first-hand account, I would actually really like to hear from you.

Annnnd……scene. In closing, we will be doing SAG Commentary tomorrow night (Sunday), and you can see that live at https://www.facebook.com/AnnoyingCommentary

Where I Watch Les Miserables and Report Back, Part I

Since our awards-show heckling is about to begin in earnest, we’ve been buckling down and trying to see all the movies that are nominated this year.   I’ve been putting off Les Miserables for several reasons, one of which is that it’s long, and I know I'm going to take alot of notes.  

First of all, let’s review my feelings for Anne Hathaway here, if you please.    Also, a million years ago, I used to date a French History scholar, so I am all set up to be like “Wah wah wah, Les Mis is NOT about the French Revolution,” or "That scenario is not historically accurate,"  and so on..: In case you don’t know the story, Les Miserables follows our hero, Jean Valjean, who serves 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread (and for multiple escape attempts).  We follow his story for 18 years, and this takes us up to the June Rebellion that occurred in France in 1834 (and was also not the French Revolution).   Here is a handy place where you can read more about the story, which I feel like you really need to do before you see this movie.   Also, I saw the stage version in the 1990’s when I was young and impressionable and could still tolerate musical theater. 

-- Opening number:  big fake ship.   Lord God help us all, I already want to punch someone in the face.  I do appreciate Hugh Jackman, though, even when he is covered in silly stage makeup.

--   Russell Crowe looks like Cap’n Crunch.  Also, he cannot sing, and I don’t care how many phones he throws at my head.  This is a fact.  Doesn’t he have a band?  I guess now we know why that band isn’t more successful. 

Let's watch a clip, shall we?

--“Valjean, you will be on parole forever.”  You know, just to raise the stakes.   Now, can someone stomp on him, just for effect? 

--Valjean steals silver, his host forgives him, he has a crisis of face.  Good Lord, that is a lot of huge closeup and stinky-looking Hugh Jackman beard. 

-- Eight years passes, because, why not?.   Valjean has dumped the stinky beard, changed his name, and has moved to a village with a lot of singing people with stage makeup teeth., including one guy who totally has makeup herpes.

--Introduce Anne Hathaway as Fantine, looking very Princess Diaries, working in a factory and not getting along with her boss or her co-workers.   She has an illegitimate baby that she sends money to, and (in case you’re dying to know), this was kind of a scandal in 1815 France.   Fantine’s backstory has been cut down so you don’t really know anything about her, except for the fact that she is the only one without dirty teeth.   SPOILER ALERT:  Fantine is going to get fired from her factory job and spiral down into destitution.  This is Valjean's fault, and this is the inciting incident for his journey. 

--Russell Crowe (Off key singing:  “Please know him as Javert”) is back, and he still cannot sing.   It seems to him that he’s met Valjean?  How is that possible, when he saw the guy every day for 19 years?  This part of the story doesn’t make sense in the novel or the stage version, and with all the close-ups of the film, it is even more confusing.  Couldn’t they have given Javert (now known as La Mer) a clever, supehero-like disguise, this being the modern age of cinema and all?  I feel like if you’re going to make a film version, maybe that is the time to clear up some obvious shortcomings with the story itself, like giving him a new look to go with his new name.

--Six minutes have passed, now it’s dark, and Fantine (Anne Hathaway) is already wandering around in the dark, selling her hair and teeth, well on her way to becoming a prostitute.  I feel like—couldn’t her factory have given her some kind of severance package?  No COBRA?  Does getting laid off have to mean that you become a prostitute with a shaved head by nightfall? 

--The prostitutes cut Anne Hathaway’s hair, and she ugly-cries and is dirty.  Now I understand the Golden Globe.   I will say, she does have a decent voice.

--Side note:  in the novel and the stage version, she sells her front teeth.  Obviously this would never do in a film, so they black out two of her black teeth, which you can see later during “I Dreamed a Dream.”

--After selling her hair and teeth, Fantine becomes a prostitute and contracts a terminal illness over the course of one night.    More close ups of ugly crying.  Again, I get the Golden Globe now.  Uglying it up is how you win.  She sings “I Dreamed a Dream,” which makes a lot more sense when you actually know the backstory of her character and some of the history of the actual time,  but okay.   She’s clearly worked with a vocal coach. During her big number, she apparently contracts her terminal illness and / or has a panic attack.   Times was tough back in 1800s France, folks!

--Also, Fantine’s illness has always been “undetermined,” meaning for narrative purposes, “we need her to die quickly and dramatically to further the hero’s journey.”  Again, I feel like now would have been a good time to once and for all give her a cause of death, rather than having her die of “mystery fever surprise.”  Couldn’t the mean john have stabbed her in this version?   Once again I am left with a question mark in my mind—how did she go from being a healthy factory worker in the daytime to dying of what seems to be a lingering and terminal illness by dawn?   Even tuberculosis needs some time to marinate, no?

--Anne Hathaway is very mad and screaming, but her makeup makes her look like an angry clown.  What is going on here?  It’s so dark.  I’m confused.

-- More Russell Crowe, who, I might add, is sounding a little pitchy there, dog. 

-- Hugh Jackman takes care of some of the pesky exposition with a solo-singing, soap opera style monolog, then admits to being “24601,” which was his prisoner number.   Again, I like Hugh Jackman, but dear God the close-ups.

--Fantine is dying in the hospital, looking uglier than ever.  Anne Hathaway is in this movie for a total of 24 minutes, so she’ll need to make sure to chew up the scenery, Pacino-style, before she goes out.  “Overwrought” is the word I would use, but I feel that word is not overwrought enough.

--Introduce Cosette/ Castle on a Cloud.   Apparently the casting people for this movie went on a far and wide search to find a little girl who looks EXACTLY like Cosette in the poster of the stage version.  Not bad!

--Oh wow, Helena Bonham Carter just wore her normal clothes and makeup to play Madame Thenardier. That must have saved the production so much money!

--Sacha Baron Cohen as Thernardier in “Master of the House.”  Without irony, I love him and I think this is the perfect role for him.  Why can’t he do more stuff like this and less “The Dictator”?  “Let’s not haggle for darling….Collette.”

--Singing, singing, oh God why did they give Russell Crowe a solo?  This would have been the perfect moment to cut some valuable minutes out of the film version.

--Flash forward to 1832 (this story covers a lot of ground, time-wise).  

-- Cut to a scene from ….Oliver?   Did we switch musicals?   In case you’re wondering, we did skip over the French Revolution in this story, but we’re coming up on the June Rebellion. 

--Singing, singing, singing—did you ever notice that when they switch to actual musical theater actors in a big budget movie like this, you can tell because the singing gets so, so much better, and Russell Crowe seriously sounds so much worse?  See also:  Rosario Dawson alongside actual musical theater singers in the film version of RENT.

--This is also abundantly clear when you compare Samantha Banks (Eponine) with Amanda Seyfried (adult Cosette).  Samantha Banks is a real singer who actually played this role on stage, and her voice is amazing.  Amanda Seyfried’s voice sounds okay  but (and I don’t know this for a fact at all) it does sound like her voice has been enhanced, and there is even a nifty debate right here about who is a worse singer—Russell Crowe or Amanda Seyfried.   Seyfried was great on Big Love, but her singing is a little warbly for my taste.   She is pretty well cast in this role, although I agree with the debaters in that forum—after seeing Samantha Banks blow her performance away, I kind of want the love story to take a hard right turn and have her win the love triangle.  Here's a clip.  Please watch toggle back and forth between the Russell Crowe clip above and this one for full comparitive effect.

--More singing, this time with real singers.   

--Revolutionary singing, and PS, what was the budget for this film?   It either looks like they rented France, or they have some serious CGI going on. 

Sadly, all of this heckling has left us with still another hour left to go in this epic, so I will have to finish typing up the rest of my notes and post the rest of it tomorrow.   

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Nicki Minaj Walks Off American Idol....We Should Care About This Why?

Can Someone Please Explain Nicki Minaj to Me?

Dude, I keep seeing American Idol previews, and even though I don’t even watch that show (I can’t take awkward television), it only takes a few seconds and a mere glance at Nicki Minaj’s too-pink lips and cartoon hair for me to get annoyed. I know they brought her on to skew the show’s judging panel down toward the youth demographic, but honestly, I don’t get her, and it’s starting to bug me. Does she give anyone else a “trying too hard” vibe? I feel like she is all about weird voices, alternate personalities, hairstyles and bright lipstick, and she’s skipped over the part where she’s supposed to be super-talented to earn her place in our hearts and minds and have actual experience in the music industry before she can act like this.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not even being an apologist for the other judges. I find them all to be kind of annoying, but at least they have success in their respective fields. Mariah Carey, for example—I don’t like her music all that much and she seems like a crazy diva monster, but she at least has a good voice and twenty years in the business to back her up and earn her my respect. In fact, I don’t know if you’re with me on this, but for the first time, I kind of really sympathized with Mariah Carey on this one, like I wanted Nicki Minaj to grow up, shut up, and stop rolling her eyes like a teenager.

In case you think I’m just being all “get off my lawn” about pop music and its cast of characters, I will say that while this is mostly correct, I really do get and appreciate Lady Gaga. She is a good singer and plays the piano, plus she dresses like she’s a piece of living performance art, and I can appreciate all of that. But, and maybe I’m wrong here-- at least she proved herself by performing a lot and being talented before she started being known for being eccentric. Am I wrong about this? Are Nicki Minaj’s songs actually better than I think, and I only listen to the Sirius XMU Indie station so Nicki Minaj is just not on my radar? I really only know her from that Kanye album and now this American Idol stuff, and I thought she was British until last week, and then I saw an Idol promo where she was clearly American, and this tripped my “Annoyance Meter” to the point where I actually now cringe when I see her face.

Especially THIS face, which she seems to pathologically need to make in every photo.Frankly, all of these faces and shenanigans have lead me to conclude that Nicki Minaj is a phony, and that she knows this, and that she has to overcompensate by being a weirdo and picking fights so no one will notice she slipped in the back door of the “fame” industry, and put her out with the American Idol auditioners, where she belongs. Is there something I’m missing? Please feel free to point me toward a place where I can watch Nicki Minaj being totally amazing. And, in case you're going to send me to her top three videos on YouTube (including the lackluster Superbass), I’ve seen those, and I am still not convinced.   To me, she seems like a well-connected girl with a quirky personality who is not bad at rapping and doesn't mind showing her body, sort of like the Tila Tequila of pop music. I'm not at all sure this combination is enough to sustain her in the music industry, or that she's even qualified to be a judge on American Idol.

 

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Musical Musings on Atoms for Peace

So, Thom Yorke from Radiohead is doing a side project with Flea (from the Red Hot Chili Peppers), Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich on guitar and keyboard, Joey Waronker (Beck/ R.E.M.) on drums, and Mauro Refosco on percussion. In case you haven’t heard of this “supergroup,” which was formed in 2009, they are called “Atoms for Peace.” First of all, don’t even get me started when people in a successful band/ tv show/ project feel like they need to go off do a “side project.” Dude—you’re a creative type, and you’ve got a PAYING GIG. As Richard Pryor said to Eddie Murphy (famously retold in “Raw”): “Do they pay you to say that sh$t? Then SAY THAT SH$T.” Something about the “side project” strikes me as ungrateful and ridiculous, and it pisses me off, and I’m sure that’s just the sour grapes talking, so let’s just move on to this actual musical effort that Atoms for Peace is finally putting out. I actually like all of the bands, the members of which form this supergroup, so let’s give their debut single a listen and then we’ll discuss,shall we?

 
Here’s the thing—this is a cool song, but does it not just sound like a new Radiohead track?  How is this sound so different from Radiohead that it deserves its own band name?    It is as if Flea, Joey Waronker, and Mauro Refresco went over to Thom Yorke’s house for a playdate and Tom Yorke and Nigel Godrich got there first, and they were all “This is the sound we’re going to make, and if you don’t want to, you can’t use our stuff—meehhhh,” and that’s what happened, and now you can’t hear Flea at all in there. 

Oh wait, maybe you’re not a Flea fan (yet). That’s insane, but I guess that’s fair. Let me show you an example of his work, because he is undoubtedly one of the greatest bass players living today. So--- yeah.  Now let me try to put myself in Thom Yorke's shoes.  I'm Thom Yorke, I want to do a side project that sounds just like my main project, and what I do is take a freakishly awesome bassist and buy him in electronia.   I don’t get it. Watching this video of Flea playing bass made me more excited than any of the Atoms for Peace songs I’ve heard so far, is all I’m saying. This “side project” issue is also what I thought was going to happen when J Tillman broke off from Fleet Foxes to form Father John Misty last year, but I actually think his music sounds cool and unique, so color me wrong. Maybe J Tillman was sick of doing those Fleet Foxes harmonies and felt boxed in? Maybe they wouldn’t let him get as lyrically weird as he wanted to, so he busted out on his own? Who knows. At least he didn’t take a world-famous bassist and hide him behind his own sound, because that kind of thing is definitely not cool, Thom Yorke.

Oh, this video is kind of NFSW, in that it has strange themes and weird lyrics.  Still cool though.

In case you’re wondering, yes, this is the kind of music I’m into, and the place where I listen to it is Sirius XMU, which I probably can’t recommend highly enough. Get Sirius. Get it now!

Quit Facebook? Tell Me About It! (No, Seriously)

I’ve noticed that a few people I know have quit Facebook lately, and I’m working on an article about it.  If you’ve quit Facebook or know someone who has, can you point me toward them (via alternate channels, of course)?

I posed this question to my Facebook friends (ironic, isn’t it), and here is what they said:

-- Friend drama.  As in, your friends are fighting with each other, you are sick of refereeing them, so you take yourself off of Facebook so they won’t have the opportunity to use your Facebook page to snark at each other.  I would solve this problem by un-friending with extreme prejudice, but then, I don’t have kids whose parents I have to be friends with (which I understand can result in an uncomfortable political situation in itself),.

--Privacy drama.  As in, you feel like you don’t want everyone to see pictures of your kids, and /or you’re afraid your house is going to get robbed if you mention you’re away on vacation.  I personally think there is a solution to this one (using Facebook in a smarter way/ keeping privacy settings updates/ not giving out your location information), but to each his/ her own, I guess.  I also feel like anyone with privacy drama on Facebook is blaming the medium, so you know they are going to pop up on Flickr with pictures of their kids, but still, I understand where this one is coming from.

--Political drama.  As in, you like your friends, and you are sick to death of seeing their political beliefs fill up your feed all day long.  I get this, as I have several friends/ family members with whom I do not agree politically.  I have hidden their feeds so I can stay connected to them without having to get into debates, which I don’t think is civilized or productive for anyone. 

--Time suck drama.  As in, you (or someone you love) has pointed out that you waste too much time on Facebook, and since you can’t limit yourself to 15 or 20 minute increments, you have chosen to quit altogether.  This one I totally get, but I would like to still say to these people—you don’t have to play Farmville all day, and now you have cut me off from your life.  Still, to each his/ her own.  I respect you and your lack of self-control. 

-- "Other people's lives are more awesome than mine" drama.  This one totally surprised me, as I thought everyone just assumed that everyone else selectively curated what they put on Facebook.  Is that just me?  There's even an article about this whole phenomenon in Forbes today.  

I also heard that kids are sick of being supervised on Facebook, so they are switching to SnapChat and/ or Instagram, but I think I would expect kids to be more adaptive in their technology, so I'm talking about Gen X/ Gen Y people (in case you're interested).

Overall, I have been noticing another trend on Facebook that I’m researching and making notes about—the fact that we’re all becoming a little less civilized and less “on our best behavior” as the years go on, resulting in Facebook, which used to be a lovely little social gathering, now being more of a loud, noisy bar with everyone yelling their opinions all the time.  Stephan and I have constructed a semi-hilarious list of our favorite Facebook archetypes, which I believe I will share with you tomorrow.  

For now, if you quit, let me know why!  I would love to include you in the article.  

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