Here are some things that no one else will point out.
Hey, guess what? The Breaking Bad series finale has aired. It’s been 24 hours. I’m going to talk about it. If you have to unfriend me or whatever, I’m fine with that. SPOILER ALERT.
I don’t know that I can offer a more salient and concise commentary of the series finale of Breaking Bad than this one done by Gawker. I will say that while I really enjoyed Matt Zoller Seitz’ weekly commentary on Vulture, I thought he was way off in his analysis of the finale, and that his analysis really lacked an understanding of how to complete narrative arcs in fiction. I don’t agree at all with his “Christmas Carol” analogy, and in fact, I’m going to say I’m as disappointed in his finale criticism as he was in the finale. So there, Matt Zoller Seitz! Ghost of Christmas Past that, mother f&*ker!
My real problem with his analysis was that, in fact, I really thought the Walt character DID need those final two episodes to wrap up his life/ character arc/ all the stuff he had going on in all the seasons prior, and to not let him finalize situations would have left the whole series feeling incomplete. Anyone who has also seen the Dexter series finale will understand what I mean by this. That is to say, after all that time invested (on the part of the viewers), you (the writer) really can’t just take a left turn into “I’m going to make the protagonist do whatever I want, go in a different direction that ignores all of the narrative choices I’ve made prior, and leave a bunch of loose ends” without leaving a terrible taste in the mouths of the viewers.
So, since everything has been said and every analysis has been analyzed, here is a list of questions and trivia we bet you won’t find anywhere else.
Regarding the final season:
- Why was Walt still getting chemo, especially
only once a month, when he went into hiding?
As a scientist, he had to have
known that was probably not going to work.
Was he trying to just sit in a cabin and puke by himself to make the
time pass? Also, if he was getting
chemo, why did his hair grow back so fast?
- Really, Robert Forster? You run an underground Witness Protection Program,
and you couldn't figure out how to get some wifi into that cabin? What about a Mefi unit paid for with an Amex
gift card from Walgreens? The man is
paying you a gazillion dollars, and he doesn’t get to go on the internet ever
again? This was profoundly disturbing to me. I’m just saying. Hook a dying meth dealer up! What’s he going to do when he needs porn?
- Why, when Skyler loses everything, does she not
just move in with Marie? Does it not
make more sense for them to let bygones be bygones, especially with both of
their husbands gone and with them both victims of Walt? I know, this was logistically impossible
because Walt had to have that final conversation with Skyler and that could not
have happened in Hank’s house, but otherwise it didn’t make sense to me and I
thought it could have been explained better.
Then again, Marie is a klepto and her voice IS pretty annoying.
- I’m a little bummed that Vince Gilligan actually
declared that Walt was dead at the end (in the “Talking Bad” special that we
watched by mistake), because I actually thought that it could have gone either
way when he passed out. Of course he was
going to die sooner or later, but was there no way to leave that to the
imagination of the viewer? His eyes were
open, after all.
- Who calls the cops on a shooting at “Camp
Hitler?” Seriously—they’re supposed to be out in the
middle of nowhere, but does anyone really care if someone kills all the people
at the white power compound down the street?
This feels like the same level of urgency as when neighbors didn’t see
that weird, dog-abusing lady in Kentucky for a few days, so they waited another
week to call the police, just to make sure her dogs really ate her.
Come on! It’s a real news story! It’s ok to laugh.
6. Seriously, what happened to Huell? Is he still waiting in that hotel room? Poor Huell, with his IBS and his trusting nature. Did Huell get to at least call for room service? And, with the IBS, for extra toilet paper? Also, what kind of job is Huell going to get now? That makes me sad. I feel like I want some obsessed, Vulture-reading fan to write some Huell fanfiction where Huell becomes the new Heisenberg.
7. White Power Jack assassinated Hank. Did he also raid his closet when he broke into his house? I’m saying, what was UP with that lavender V-Neck pullover he was rocking when Walt showed up to settle the score? Oh, and if you’re about to say “Jack is living better now that he has Walt’s $70 million,” then I will counter with: WHY DIDN’T HE UPGRADE CAMP HITLER? That place was a DUMP.
8. How did Walt get the ricin into the (sealed) Stevia packet? Did he McGyver up a way to materialize a sealed Stevia packet out of thin air? SCIENCE!
9. How did they get Baby Holly to say "mama" like that? Because it was kind of creepy, wasn't it? Like, maybe a "27-year-old voiceover woman's voice" creepy. You know, like the talking E*trade baby. Just saying.
10. Didn’t you, after all their insipid talk about pear salads and wine, want Walt to totally haul off and kill Gretchen and ol’ Big Ears from Gray Matter? Just a little bit? Sure, it would have derailed the whole plotline, but wouldn't it have been awesome anyway?
11. Fact: At the beginning of every episode, when Vince Gilligan's name came up in the credits, Stephan would say, "Skipper!" Every time. Without fail.
12. Did they slap a bunch of wigs and party beards on Walt and Jesse for all that back-and-forth timeline stuff? Or did they know at the top of the season that they'd need them for specific future (ie, past) scenes, then make them shave? Because, hey, good job, makeup. I honestly couldn't tell. Stephan says he wants to hire them for some hot new party hair
13. Would it have killed Vince Gilligan to have Walt, upon hearing the cops coming, grab an AK-47 in each hand, snort a death rail of blue meth, and scream, "Say hello to my little friend!"? Just sayin'.
14. The actor who played Mike was almost classically ugly, wasn't he? Like, bullfrog-ugly. You may not remember this, but Stephan would like to remind you that he played one of the henchmen in "Beverly Hills Cop," back in 1984, and he says he didn't believe the guy could get any uglier from there. But here we are.
15. What's going to happen to Jesse? I mean, seriously? Sure, he broke out of there, but he was the guy twirling on the merry-go-round and all but soiling himself a few episodes back. Do we really think he can make it all the way to Williamsburg to make his artisanal boxes before having a complete psychotic break?
16. Where, exactly, did Jesse poop? We're actually wondering.
On the people watching the final season of Breaking Bad:
-- Please, please stop carping on social media about NO SPOILERS NO SPOILERS OMG NO SPOILERS. Dude! If you know you don’t want to know what’s going to happen, MAYBE STAY OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA. Or maybe move to Walt’s secluded cabin in New Hampshire where you won’t have any internet. At any rate, going on social media telling everyone NOT TO SPOIL is the equivalent of going to a slaughterhouse and yelling I’M A VEGETARIAN! Just stay out of there, ok? Or maybe—just watch tv when it comes on, like we did back in the old days, back when all this was orange groves and Cosby sweaters as far as the eye could see.
-- How were you able to watch the series finale of Breaking Bad, then one minute later start the season premiere of Homeland? I was so emotionally exhausted after Breaking Bad, we had to wait a whole 24 hours for Homeland (side point: not totally thrilled with that show anymore).