So, the other day, I realized that Stephan had never had my very favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor, Half Baked. It was, of course, a complete revelation for him, because Half Baked is perhaps the single greatest ice cream/fro-yo invention ever concocted by Ben & Jerry’s. It has vanilla ice cream with cookie dough chunks swirled with chocolate ice cream and brownies. I mean, COME ON. I can’t even keep a pint of it in the house—that is how obscenely delicious that flavor is to me.
Half Baked was not, however, my first Ben & Jerry’s favorite flavor. That flavor, Chocolate Caramel Turtle, got sent to the Flavor Graveyard, which is Ben & Jerry’s hippy-dippy way of saying it’s been discontinued. Naturally, after we found the Flavor Graveyard online, Stephan and I decided we had to go through the list and determine why each flavor was discontinued, because we are just like that.
The fact that there are lots and lots of discontinued flavors in the graveyard shouldn’t be all that surprising, since Ben & Jerry’s whole development process seems like it probably goes something like this:
Jerry: Hey, Ben?
Jerry: <tooooooooooooooke> Why don’t we crumble some shit up in ice cream and see if it tastes good?
Just kidding (kind of). Anyway, here is the full list (or, at least as full a list as I could find/ make), and here is our abridged list, with jokes about why the flavors might have been discontinued:
10th Anniversary Waltz—Nutcracker Suite: This probably had a bunch of nuts in it. Nuts in ice cream are wrong. Except jamoca almond fudge. Which, truthfully, probably would have been better without the almonds in it. So, never mind.
American Apple Pie ™: This likely was in reference to the movie, which brings to mind what happened to the pie in that movie, and this is not what I want to think about AT ALL when I’m eating ice cream.
Apple Crumble ™
Apple-y Ever After ™
(Hey, Ben & Jerry! Maybe no one likes apples in their ice cream!)
Aztec Harvest Coffee: What flavor IS “Aztec,” exactly? For that matter, what flavor is “ranch?” There are some very unpleasant things on a ranch.
Banana Strawberry: Meh. This feels like Jamba Juice’s territory.
Banana Walnut. They made an ice cream after banana bread, the thing someone brings to the office that no one eats.
Bananas on the Rum ™: Is this a reference to the Wings song, “Band on the Run?” Or is it like a bananas-and-rum-Jamaica kind of thing? Either way, rum is gross.
(Hey, Ben & Jerry! Turns out no one wants blueberries in their ice cream, either!)
Bovinity Divinity ™: There are so many goofy rhymes and puns in Ben & Jerry’s flavors that you want to hit someone.
Candy Bar Crunch
(How on earth did these three flavors fail? You can almost hear the bong gurgling.)
Cannoli: You don’t say. How could this one have gone wrong?
Cantaloupe: Who thought this was a good idea? Cantaloupe is (for me, at least) the very lowest rung on the fruit ladder, relegated to sitting there, uneaten, on the side of your breakfast plate. It does not belong in ice cream. What’s next? Parsley? Wilted iceberg lettuce? Purple cabbage? You get the point.
Capecodder: Hey, maybe this one didn’t succeed because fish name + ice cream = disgusting.
Caramel Chew Chew: This may have been discontinued because no one wants to chew their ice cream. Or probably it was the name.
Chai Tea Latte: The only people who drink chai tea are yoga moms, and those moms can’t eat Ben & Jerry’s or they won’t fit into their Lululemon yoga pants. Also, those moms don’t eat dairy, and neither do their kids. Fail.
Cherry Amour: This sounds like a transvestite name.
Cherry Chocolate: This reminds me of those disgusting chocolate-covered cherries they used to sell, the interior of which was about 70% clear goo. My grandfather used to like those. I have no idea why.
Cherry Vanilla: Bring two bits for the trolley and moving picture show! Cherry vanilla at the drugstore sody fountain! Seriously, this sounds like a flavor from the 1950s.
Chocolate Almond Fudge
Chocolate Almond Nougat
(Note to Ben & Jerry: STOP PUTTING ALMONDS IN MY ICE CREAM)
Chocolate Amaretto Moose
(Is Amaretto really so delicious and/or popular that you’d want an entire ice cream flavor based on it? I feel like Amaretto is one of those liqueurs that old people drink, that you maybe sneak at your friend’s house when their parents are gone, and it makes you sick, and then you can never drink it again. Maybe they should have called it that.)
Chocolate Caramel Turtle: My first favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor. We used to eat this all the time in the early 2000s, getting it from a bodega called the Joe Hug Deli. It was probably the last time I could ice cream with impunity (i.e., it didn’t make me fat), and I was sorry to see it go.
Chocolate Cherry Garcia ® This one sounds kind of delicious. (Stephan: “No, it freaking DOESN’T.”)
Chocolate Cointreau Fudge: This seems like it would taste like medicine. Also, could you set it on fire? I’d like to try that.
Chocolate Comfort: Sounds like a pimp. A really nurturing pimp.
Chocolate for a Change ™: Did it contain coins?
Chocolate Fudge: Hey, Ben & Jerry’s—Haagen Dazs does this shit better. Please stick to naming ice cream after hippies.
Chocolate Gingersnap: This is my new stripper name.
Chocolate Hazelnut Swirl: Um, do they mean like Nutella? Because that sounds amazing. Or do they mean chocolate with actual hazelnuts? Because that sounds disgusting.
Chocolate Heath ® Bar Crunch: HOW DID THIS DIE OUT? IS THERE NO GOD?
Chocolate Orange Fudge: This reminds me of those chocolate oranges you got when you were a kid that you were supposed to smash. And you smashed them not because you wanted to eat them, but because you were angry at the fact that some adult gave you orange-flavored chocolate. How dare you?
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough: Again, how did this not make it? Come ON.
Chocolate Peanut Butter Truffle ™: WAY too much going on here.
Chocolate Raspberry Fudge Swirl
Chocolate Raspberry Swirl
Chocolate Raspberry Truffle
(Note: Chocolate and raspberry do not go together. This is a scientific fact. Chocolate raspberry is that exact flavor that will make you spit out a piece of chocolate if you happen to bite into it. Just. Don’t.)
Chunky Choc Choc Mousse: What are you, five?
Cinnamon: Cinnamon is not really compatible with ice cream. Try something else off the spice rack. Or don’t.
Coconut Almond Fudge Chip: Okay, now you’re too high.
Coconut Cream Pie
Coconut Milk Chocolate Almond
(Note: Nobody likes coconut ice cream. Lesson learned.)
Coffee Etc.: I’m going to need you to be a little more… specific.
Concession Obsession ™: This one sounds like all the stuff on the floor at the movie theater that your feet stick to, plus three or four pumps of that high-fat, hot butter crap. Also: why is it okay to throw garbage on the floor when you’re at the movie theater?
Cool Britannia: Sounds like an aftershave.
Dastardly Mash: Pirate flavored?
Dave Matthews Band ® Magic Brownies ™: So now we’re just naming them after drugs?
Dublin Mudslide ™: Here’s what we think was in this one. Kahlua + the potato blight, coupled with random pages from “Ulysses.”
Economic Crunch: Sure, because that’s what people want in their ice cream: bad news. P.S. Ben & Jerry’s is $5 a pint. That is not helping things.
Entangled Mints ™: Boy, good thing they trademarked that name.
Ethan Almond: Worst. Play on words. Ever. If they wanted an almond pun, couldn’t they have used “The Almond Brothers”?
Fair Goodness Cake: I think this is a play on the phrase, “for goodness’ sake,” but Stephan thinks it’s a reference to fair food, and therefore contained corn dogs.
Festivus: A sad casualty of the Fox News War on Christmas ™
Fossil Fuel ™: Hey, was this one petroleum-based? Did it have gummy dinosaurs? Have you ever smelled the La Brea Tar Pits?
Fudge Behaving Badly UK: This reminds us of two things: 1) Fudge showing its boobs, and, 2) No one wants to see British boobs.
Fudge Central ®: Too close to that “Milk, milk, lemonade” joke from when we were kids. You know what I’m talking about.
Giant Chocolate Chunk ™: See above.
Honey Apply Raisin Walnut: Was this an ice cream flavor or compost?
Honey, I’m Home ™: This sounds like it tasted like a TV dinner and a can of Schlitz.
Ice Tea with Ginseng: I don’t know that I want to be reminded of healthy things I should be doing while I’m eating ice cream. This is the kind of ice cream your doctor would recommend. Personally, I only want to eat junk food that pisses off doctors.
Kaffaretto: Now you’re just making up words.
Kiwi Midori: Sounds like a sugary cocktail that would give you a wicked hangover.
Lemon Peppermint Carob Chip: Are you mad at me?
Malted Milk Ball: Hey, did you know that malted milk was made by Satan himself?
Maple Grape Nut: Now you’ve crossed another line. You can put breakfast cereal in my ice cream, but I’m drawing the line at shitty breakfast cereal. For future reference, also don’t use any of the following cereals: Wheatabix, Fiber One, All Bran, or Kix.
Miller Family Malt: Is the Miller Family a cult? And do they make some sort of liquid? And were Ben & Jerry’s making ice cream out of this? So. Many. Questions.
Mission to Marzipan: We’re thinking this one failed because it was a terrible ice cream based on a great pun. And also, no one’s exactly sure what marzipan is.
Miz Jelena’s Sweet Potato Pie: (shouting between hands): Ben & Jerry, you have long been searching for the absolute limit of what you can put in ice cream, and here it is: DO NOT PUT VEGETABLES IN ICE CREAM.
Monkey Wrench ™: What on earth went in that ice cream? Its name suggests neither ingredient nor flavor. Unless monkey is a flavor.
No Sugar Added Vanilla: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Oh Pear: This makes two people sad: people who hire au pairs, and people who ARE au pairs. And also, nobody likes pear-flavored ice cream.
Peanuts! Popcorn!: (Broken Teeth!)
Phish Food ®: What?! Phish Food ® got discontinued? How on earth? Hippies! Shitty music! This is your brand, guys. Get it together.
Primary Berry Graham: This is in reference to someone probably, but we’re not sure whom. Phil Graham? Billy Graham? Those were two VERY different people. In any case, it sounds like it had berries and graham crackers. Whoop de doo.
Pulp Addiction ™: Unless this tasted like blood and Jheri Curl, why even bother.
Rachel’s Brownie: Apparently there was just one.
Rainforest Crunch: So sad. So very, very sad. Tasted like chainsaws and the tears of indigenous tribes.
Raspberry Gone Coconuts ™: You know what, Ben & Jerry? F*ck you.
Raspberry Renewal: Got cancelled, apparently.
Reverse Chocolate Chunk: Did this involve a time machine?
Rum Raisin: I have never met anyone under the age of 80 who likes this flavor. I feel like there’s a very natural reason this ice cream went away.
Sambucca Coffee Flake: This is a disaster on a cone. A licorice-flavored liqueur with chocolate flakes. Licorice only goes with licorice. Licorice is the weird kid on the playground. Leave licorice alone.
Sorbet Squeeze Ups: This sounds like something Jillian Michaels would make you do, then yell at you.
Strawberry Rhubarb: Come on. Rhubarb is not even an actual food.
The Full VerMonty ™: I want to say this one was penis-flavored.
Turtle Soup ™: The name did this one in for sure. They obviously meant chocolate turtles, like with caramel and nuts, but still, so gross.
Uncanny Cashew ™: What exactly made it “uncanny?” And also, for the fifth time: NO NUTS IN ICE CREAM.
Urban Jumble ™: Here’s what this was: Yellow snow with cigarette butts and bottle caps, plus a grope on the subway.
Vanilla M & M: I can kind of see why this one didn’t make it. Couldn’t you just do this at home?
Vermonty Python ™: ENOUGH WITH ALL THE GODDAMN PUNS.
Wavy Gravy ™: We feel like the label on this should read: Warning: This contains actual tabs of window pane acid. Don’t plan anything for the next seven hours.
White Russian ™: The dude did not abide.
World’s Best ® Chocolate: Apparently not.