Yesterday I got an unsolicited email from a company called “CabinetonDemand.com.” I would now like to just enumerate all of the ways this is amusing to me, and to say for the record that I do not feel badly about calling them out, because I have never visited their website or signed up for their email list. I feel that by insinuating themselves into my inbox, they are asking for some light mocking.
Here are my issues with CabinetOnDemand.com and their email:
- I have no intention of buying cabinets online, ever, because that sounds like a terrible idea to me. Having just remodeled my house last year, I now know how much cabinets cost and OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CABINETS COST?! Seriously, one of the shocks of my adult life, how very wrong I was about how much I thought new cabinets were going to cost. Yes, I realize I am saying “cabinets” repeatedly, which is making the word itself sound kind of absurd. Bottom line: cabinets cost a ton of money. Do not go into the cabinet-buying process all nonchalantly.
- I did not sign up for this mailing list, which in and of itself is sort of a problem, because as a rule I do not respond to or buy anything from companies that email me without my permission. Granted, maybe they got my email from a partner organization that shared my information, but I am having a hard time understanding buying leads for something as major as a whole set of cabinets, because as I mentioned, BRACE YOURSELF. CABINETS ARE SUPER EXPENSIVE. That is not an impulse purchase that you are going to want to make from one cold-call type email.
- Why “CabinetonDemand.com” and not “Cabinets (with an s) onDemand.com.” I feel like if you can’t get the domain with the “s” in it, maybe you should pick another name for your business.
- Back to the size and scope of a purchase like this. To me, cabinets are a major decision, not an impulse buy that you can just check off your list, so this push marketing type email where they are offering a screaming deal on “Santa Monica Cabinets” seems weird to me. This is funny in the exact same way as a sign I pass when I go to my wine store—“Discount Steinways Today!” with an arrow that points into a storefront in a strip mall. Dude. You are not getting out the door with a Steinway piano today. Buying a piano is an arduous, multi-phasic process involving sticker shock, tears, trucks, schedules being moved around, phonecalls, probably some yelling, a payment plan, a scratched floor, maintenance that you didn’t bargain for, and many, many other things. It's not a fro-yo, and the signage makes me laugh because it really sounds like you can drive out of there right then with a Steinway, like, strapped to the top of your Subaru. Settle down, people. Some things take time.
- Speaking of things taking time, who exactly is installing my Cabinet on Demand? Do I have to bring my own contractor to this party? Let me let you in on a secret, having fully remodeled my house last year—CONTRACTORS NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE MEASUREMENT PROCESS PRIOR TO THE ORDERING OF THE CABINETS, or all that money you just saved is going right out the window in extra hours and adjustments when your discount cabinets do not fit properly because you took the measurements yourself, bought cabinets from an email you got, then found a contractor on Porch.com and said “make it work!”
- Why does there need to be a “monthly newsletter” about cabinets? Who would need to hear about cabinets every single month? Cabinets (like pianos) are one of those things you put your attention on once in a blue moon, cry when you are paying the bill, then try to forget the pain and enjoy your new kitchen. Cabinets are not something for which I would imagine there would be enough content to fill up a monthly newsletter.
- If you are going to want me to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on your cabinets, I am going to want you to demonstrate your mastery of attention to detail by actually filling in the excerpt text in your email template, rather than leaving the default text there. The misspellings are not helping to build my confidence either. You can’t proof your monthly newsletter, but you are going to get every detail of my cabinet order right? Probably not. Here are some of the egregious errors I noticed with my cursory 30 second glance of this email:
Again, I am not even trying to get mean here, but I did not sign up for this newsletter. I have never interacted with this company, I don’t know anyone there, and I don’t need any cabinets, so the complete randomness of this email just showing up in my inbox is kind of funny to me in general. The topic is oddly specific, the email is oddly sloppy given the gravity of a purchase like this, and the offer itself is unclear, even when I go to the website. What, exactly, does the $1920 in the newsletter cover? The fine print is so small, I honestly cannot tell. When, exactly, will my cabinets be delivered? Again, unclear. Who, exactly, is going to install these mysterious economical cabinets? I am just not getting that from this email. Why, exactly, am I on this mailing list? I simply do not know, although I would imagine that after this, I am going to be removed.
Stay tuned for this company to contact me and argue with me!