Funny Strange....

Overheard in CVS

Well, actually it was Stephan and I saying this, but it was pretty amusing so I thought I'd share.  Plus, since I'm doing my slavish word count every day for National Novel Writing Month and editing another book at the same time, I barely even have time to log in to this blog to see if Mischa Barton's fan club is still SENDING PEOPLE OVER HERE WITH A LINK INSIDE A THREAD.  Yeah, that's the way to make me go away.  Send more people over here.   

Me:  "Why does that guy have a fire extinguisher on his bicycle, and why is that bicycle inside CVS?  This whole thing makes no sense."

Stephan:  "I think you're overlooking the fact that he's wearing argyle socks and a cape.  The fire extinguisher is really the least of his concern."

In case you like this kind of bizarre randomness, there is a whole site called "Overheard in New York," which you should most assuredly hurry over to right now and spend some quality work time. 

I'm Sorry, Ma'am....You Have Jarreau....

Damn You, Al Jarreau!

Hey, did you know that if you happen to walk into a store, and that store is playing “We’re in This Love Together,” by Al Jarreau, that you will then not be able to stop singing that damn song all day?   And in fact, as if by mind control, you will get your husband to start singing it, and then you will have to write about it on your blog, so everyone you know will then start singing it, thus re-awakening the insidiousness of this song, and spreading Jarreau all over the globe?

Yeah, before I thought it was just a catchy song.  Now, I’m thinking it’s more like a virus that just has to pass.  This is the virus I’m calling "Jarreau."

Here-- I'll show you how it spreads.

“Weee're in this love together.....we got the kind that brings to mind a favorite song…..a yeah yeah yeah.”

I dare you to stop singing this song now.

This brings me to another, similar topic, which is "names that sound like medical afflictions."  Now, granted, the "Jarreau" is brought on by listening to Al Jarreau songs, but still, you have to admit that Jarreau does sound rather like a disease, or perhaps a foodstuff or some other weird thing.

Here are some others that come to mind:

1.  Eva Longoria.  This one's the worst.  "Oh man....I went to Mexico over Spring Break, and I got the worst case of Eva Longoria.  I was totally in the bathroom the whole time."

2.  Antonin Scalia.  Sounds like a skin rash, perhaps one that requires a course of cortisone to treat.
"The Scalia has spread to my hands and face!"

3.  Plaxico Burress.  This actually sounds less like a disease and more like the name of a town in the Old West....."take that there dusty ol' trail up Plaxico Burress, and turn right at the big ol' tree, ya hear?"

4.  Hayden Pannettiere-- a light and fluffy, possily fruit filled dessert.  "Waiter, you know what?  I'm going to splurge and have the Hayden Pannettiere with a decaf latte."

Oh, and also-- listen to our radio show, Funny Strange Live, today (Friday) at 1:00 pm Pacific Time.  Just click the "MyShow" button to the right to tune in, or visit www.nowlive.com/funnystrange to text or call in!

Listen to Funny Strange Live Anytime! Now Even!

I've impressed myself with my technical prowess over the weekend, managing to figure out in less than three hours (perhaps an exaggeration) how to add the widget to this site for our radio show, Funny Strange Live, which premiered last week.  In case you had a real emergency to attend to (which would be the only reason why you wouldn't be listening, right?) ,  you can  click on  the "My Live Show" button in the right hand column, and it will start right up!

I have to say, I was VERY impressed with Stephan's triumphant return to radio.  He's still got it!    After you get caught up on this show, be sure to tune in this Friday for our next show!  This week's topic is "He Does Voices," and we'll be interviewing some famous voiceover guys, which promises to be absolutely filled with hilarity.  http://www.nowlive.com/funnystrange , in case you absolutely don't see the big green button to your right, right over there.

Note:  Our show is rated "moderate," meaning we might have used some profanity once or twice during the broadcast.  Or... maybe three times.  I'm just warning you, when Stephan gets going on jury duty, all bets are off, dude.

"Are You Going to Write About This On Your Blog?"

Lately, I'm getting this question more and more-- someone will tell me something totally bizarre or random, then cover their mouth and furtively glance around and say "Are you going to write about this on your blog?"

Well, let me just clear this up for you.  OF COURSE I'm going to write about it on my blog.  I consider it my purpose in life to make your dinner party, or your workday, or your next conversation more entertaining, so I think it's my MISSION to write about stuff that I find funny and weird, like a pimp on a bus, or a person named Groovy Nipples Schwartzman.  OF COURSE I'm not going to use real names of people who tell me these things, because then no one would ever tell me anything ever again, right?  And I want to keep writing this blog forever, or at least until I win the lottery or get a million dollar book contract.  And even then, Andy Dick washing his food with vodka is still probably just going to be too good not to share.

Also, in response to my fear of mold, my friend K. sent me this horrifying anecdote, which you know is only going to fuel the fire of crazy:

True story here:   

A gal I know was cleaning her brother's room ( he is a drummer in a band I used to work with)..she opened an old McDonalds bag that had the moldy remnants of a Big Mac and the mold spores hit her in the eye.  She flushed the eye and after a few hours and much pain ended up in hospital with a corneal infection....Massive antibiotics and two days in the hospital , she was back on her feet,  but this easily could have caused cornea damage if left untreated.

She now will not eat at McDonalds,  and for damn sure will never clean her lazy drummer brother's
room , ever again.

I Think I Would Go With "Boobz"

Yesterday I was at a corner and saw a sign for a "Gentlemen's Club" called SilverReign.  I never noticed it before, perhaps because of its exceedingly classy name and signage.  This made me think-- I wonder how many gentlemen are actually driving around, looking for a gentlemen's club, and totally miss that one because it's not called something obvious like "World of Boobs!"    I mean, why beat around the bush (so...to....speak)?  Then I started thinking, it's probably not legal to call your place of business that, even though it would totally get you alot more customers, because it would make property values go down to have a club next door called "Mad Boobs in Your Face!" or something like that.  The BadaBing! and "Jumbo's Clown Room" are two good examples of strip club names that sound pretty much like what they are (dank, dirty, filled with skanky girls).  In fact, when I was in college I heard about a strip club in the area called "Captain Creams," which is, I think, a little too far in the other direction. There must be a middle ground between "What the hell is that place?" and "Oh my God a strip club just moved into the neighborhood." 

Don't get me wrong-- I don't morally object to strip bars or anything.  I just think it's a little sad that no one ever told those girls that they could be lawyers.   I'm just saying, I bet the Hustler Gentlemen's Club  or Tens take in more money than SilverReign, just on name alone. 

Here are some humorous strip club names I found during a cursory search of the internets.  I found a  list that's pretty great-- it made me laugh out loud more than once.   I do find  it a little odd that out of this whole list, there's an inordinately large number of strip clubs called "Deja Vu."  Is that because you're having essentially the same experience every time you go there?  Just wondering.  There's one in Van Nuys that's just called "Strippers," which I think is the funniest.  Because just put it out there, you know?    Don't mince words.

Here are some names I thought were winners:

1.  4 Play
Funny-- maybe they play alot of Prince songs there.

2.  Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen's Cabaret
um....this sounds like absurdist French theater to me.

3.  Bare Elegance
Fantastic trashy name, AND it's in Inglewood-- you know the girls there have one tooth.

4.  California Girls Night Club
Decent name, but it's in Santa Ana.  That's right-- a strip club for strippers who couldn't make it in LA.  $3 lap dances, anyone?

5.  Star Strip Too
Not bad--sounds a little like it was named by someone for whom English was not a first language

6.  Valley Ball Cabaret: 
Sounds like they were trying to fit the words "Ball" and "Cabaret" into a name, and they really wanted the meeting about the name to be over.

7.  Bare N' Legal. 
Just....oh my God.  "Yeah, I live in the apartment complex down the street from the Bare N' Legal...."

8.   Golddiggers Gentlemen's Club.
Again, you have to respect the fact that they just put it out there like that. 

9.  Sam's HofBrau
Misleading-- there is a real chance you could go there for a nice lunch with your business colleagues, and end up totally embarrassed.

10. Hollywood East
In La Puente.  Now that's east.

I think just from this list, I have to say my favorite is "Lusty Lady" in San Francisco.   Maybe I'm just old-fashioned when it comes to strip club names.

Click here if you want to see the list-- but, don't click it at work.
 

Even the Movers Are Funny.

So, I called this morning to confirm the move and to discuss this WHOPPING move estimate I got in the mail from the movers (like, it was going to be the same cost to move our stuff 1 mile as it was to move all the way from California to New York.  THAT is how whopping it was).

I ended up getting transferred to this guy who shared my sense of humor (thank god, because I am right out of patience with mortgage people, and escrow people, and shutter people, and Home Depot people, and painters, and yard sale people, and all the other people you need to deal with when you buy a house and move into it).  Here is a snippet from our conversation regarding the ridiculously large move estimate:

Me:  Um....doesn't this move estimate seem a little high?  We're only moving one mile, and it's not like all of our furniture is made of glass or anything.  What gives?

Bill from the moving company:  Oh, that's just a "maximum" number we put, in case we get there and your home is full of pinball machines and stuff that's made of lead.

Me:  Lead?  People have things made of lead?

Bill from the moving company: You'd be surprised what people have, and how much they lie about it.  We just put that number to make sure people tell the truth, and so they know if they lied on the phone, they're still going to have to pay.

Me: Ah, ok.  So there's no way my move could be that much?

Bill from the moving company: Well, maybe if we sent a bunch of movers who only had one limb each, then it would take twenty hours to move all your stuff, and THEN it could be that much. 

Me:  Americans With Disabilities Act?

Bill from the moving company:  You got it.  I just won't put those guys on your job.

And so on. 

Office This Guy

Thanks Amber!

Book Deals and Other Stuff

Uh, remember that book deal I was working on four the past four months?  Well, last week (Thursday the 22nd, to be exact), it went kaput.  Needless to say I was upset, since I had written nine chapters on spec under the impression that a two-book deal was coming.  Not sure how that happened, but I'm not going to dwell on it.  Anyhow, it took me awhile to come up with a backup plan on my quest to becoming a bestselling author, but here it is.  Rather than dwell on political bullshit, I am going with a smaller company, to get my stuff out there and get a buzz going about it.  So there, Big Publisher Man!

In June, a limited release of "Hollywood Car Wash" is coming out on ASJA press.  I'm excited!  I decided to go with something really small in order to get it out fast and build momentum around my work.  I've now started building up my MySpace page, and am hoping to get a couple thousand people on the list by the time the book comes out.  http://www.myspace.com/loriculwell   

Also, if anyone works for a magazine or newspaper and would like to review the book, you let me know!  I need all the help I can get.

Yes, I know-- I didn't really want to write serialized teen fiction anyway, blah blah blah.

This Guy: Oscar Edition

First of all, tell me that Helen Mirren isn't THIS GUY-ing her Academy Award.

Even the Oscars Can Be Funny

Leonardo DiCaprio:  For the first time ever, the Academy Awards have gone green.

Stephan (pausing the Tivo):  Now all the cameras will be powered by hemp.

I Got Your Funny Robot Names Right Here

We're in Houston today, but on the way there I noticed that someone named "Rooter" left a comment about wanting me to make a list of "Funny Robot Names," since clearly people are searching for that term, and apparently finding my post about the animatronic robot panhandler guy makes them laugh, but then they want some REAL funny robot names. Fine.

I really relied on my hilarious husband and his good friend Cory for this list, since frankly, I'm at a loss when it comes to thinking up names for robots.  Like most girls,  I didn't really play with robots.  In fact, if I had a robot right now, I actually wouldn't want one that could kill or have laser beam eyes.  I'd want one to do, like, administrative stuff for me, like paperwork and filing.  However, "Paperwork 3000" sounds like just about the lamest robot in the whole world.  He alphabetizes!  He collates!  He files!  He fills out insurance forms in triplicate AND makes bank deposits!

Riiiigt.  Here's the list of funny robot names, courtesy of Stephan and Cory.

1.  Pimp Bot.  Actually, this one was popularized by Conan O'Brien, but I thought I'd throw it in there.
2.  Death Juicer
3.  Mekka Scott Bakula
4.  The Elf Grinder
5.  The Floss-Atron
6.  Grumpbot
7.  Muffy
8.  Colonel Squeaky
9.  Deathbunny 3000
10.  Q-Tipomatic
11.  Garth Vader
12.  Ol' Leaky
13.  Twitchy
14.  Mr. Atomic
15.  Warren
16.  Tracky McWhirrrrrrrrr!
17.  Scram-O-Naut
18.  Klak-Tor
19.  Krautkrusher
20.  Steve

The Funniest Sign, Ever

So....after I finished the NaNoWriMo novel, I had to take a break from, well, anything that was writing-related, because I was crispy fried burned out, yo.  50,000 words in 30 days will do that to you.  As a reward for finishing, I bought myself a brand new MacBook Pro, and am now in the process of transferring everything over.  And for the record:  SCREW YOU, HP!  My last laptop worked for exactly SEVEN MONTHS before it caught a virus that caused it to go completely dead and lose everything FOUR TIMES PER DAY.  SCREW YOU!  SCREW YOU!  I am switching to a beautifully designed Apple computer, turning, and never looking back. 

Wow, I feel alot better now!

On a funny note, Here is a great sign we found when we were out walking the dog over the weekend.  Wow!   Seriously, if this parking gate-thing hits you, you are going to SEE STARS, just like in the cartoonies!

I Am Juvenile

About a million years ago, when I thought I might possibly maybe want to be a lawyer, I got a job as a file clerk in a law firm.  Suffice it to say I was depressed enough by everyone who worked there to decide to just stick with writing, but I did get something lasting out of the experience:  I started an ongoing list of people who could never start a law firm with my husband.

Yes, I'm getting to the point.  One of the women who worked there was the partner of this other woman whose last name was Blow.  One day, I said to her, "Hey Nance-- if your partner and my husband started a law firm, they'd be "Blow & Cox, LLP."

Since then, whenever I hear a funny name, I write it down.  I will share with you today.

1.  Blow, Cox, and Koontz.
2.  Dangle, Cox.
3.  Biggers, Cox, and Dangle.
4.  Biggers, Cox, Dangle, and Blow.
5.  Blow, Koontz, Cox, and Dangle.
6.  Harre, Cox, and Dangle
7.  Dribble, Cox, and Peter
8.  Fleshman, Cox, and Blow.

Muppet 101

I'm sure I've mentioned the term "Muppet" enough times to where I really should define how I'm using it, so here I go.  In addition to being a cuddly, amusing, children's show/ toy, a Muppet is also a person who has any of the following:

1.  Gangly limbs, either arms or legs, and the tendency to flail these limbs while running, or perhaps for no reason at all.
2.  The tendency to fall down or run into things.
3.  The compulsion to take a joke waaaaay too far, often repeating the punchline over and over.
4.  A slightly large head.

Meaning, if they were going to make a new Muppet, they could base it totally on you without having to change much, if anything at all.  I've put the following people in the Muppet category, for various reasons.    I am, myself, in this category, fitting 3 out of the 4 criteria.  The surest sign that someone is a Muppet is if you see them do something, then think "wow, that person would make a great cartoon character."

These People Would Make Great Muppets

Rachel Dratch.  "nuff said.

Eddie Izzard.  Have you seen him run across the stage in Dress to Kill?  My God.  Major Muppetage.

Anthony Kiedis.  See previous post on world's wackiest lyrics.

Andrae from Season Two Project Runway.  Did you see the long, flailing arms?  He is the Muppet King.

I am open to further suggestions for the Muppet Gallery.

Metal to You

In honor of Halloween, I'd like to present a true masterpiece of pumpkinosity.

The Gene Simmons Pumpkin, complete with bubble gum tongue.

Yes, I put makeup on a pumpkin.

Also, click here for a photo gallery of other ambitious pumpkins.  Thanks Rachel!

A Halloween Candy Post, Inspired By Ashley's Mom

Update:  Wiki-How has just posted an article on "How to Give Healthy Halloween Treats."  It includes many of these lame items, plus much much more (cheese sticks, anyone?  miniature jigsaw puzzles?) 

I was recently at Costco buying an industrial size bag of the good Halloween candy, because we're trying to be the "cool people on the block with the good candy."  While I was buying my big bags of tiny Snickers and M & M's, I noticed a product that I think might win the "bad Halloween candy of all time" prize:  little individual bags of lowfat microwavable popcorn.  Who thought this was a good idea? 

Little kids:  a) can't use the microwave, b) don't eat lowfat food, and c) want candy they can eat right then.  Microwave popcorn is possibly the worst combination of the three of these things...like, maybe it could only be worse if they were selling individual Stouffer's Lean Cuisines for Halloween use, which I'm sure they only don't do because they'd go bad.

The microwave popcorn bags got me thinking about other bad Halloween giveaways.  I don't mean bad, like, razors or needles.  I mean bad, like, it's HALLOWEEN-- the one time you're actually allowed to eat candy until you get all hopped up, then get a stomachache.

Here's my list:

Top Ten Bad Halloween Items

1.  Microwave popcorn.  See above.

2.  Pennies.  Just, come on.  You're a little kid, your bag is already heavy enough, and then you get to the person's house who wants to give you a handful of pennies.  Not.  Cool.  Pennies are filthy, they're heavy, and they're worth....well, you get the picture.

3.  Loose candy corn or Circus Peanuts.  Rolling around in the bottom of the bag with the pennies?  Um, you're getting tuberculosis for Halloween if you eat those.

4.  Dental floss.  Even if you're the one dentist on your block, don't bother giving this out, as you're not going to stop the rising tide of tooth decay with your tiny piece of floss.  Halloween is the reason teeth fall out, yo.

5.  Individual sticks of carefree sugarless gum.  Again, you're not helping the tooth decay problem with your feeble sugarless gum.  You're just annoying the kids.  Plus, the individual sticks get all warm and bendy in the bag, and you can't eat them anyway.  Also, after all that candy, you can't even taste sugarless gum for about a week.

6.  Hand-dipped caramel apples.  A nice sentiment, but since, like, the beginning of time our moms have been telling us not to accept anything that's unwrapped.  So...what to do?  Put it in the bag for safekeeping?  It gets all the other candy all messy.  Eat it there?  Not safe, and then you're too full to eat the wonderful panoply of other candy that might come your way.  Besides, this contains actual fruit, which defies the "Halloween Candy must be bad for you" rule.  Nope.

7.  Carob Coated Anything.  Carob is fake chocolate, man.  Halloween is the one time it's ok to eat real chocolate.  Don't even get carob anywhere near me on October 31st.

8.  Boxes of raisins or sunflower seeds.  I don't even have the words.  Just...how dare you?

9.  Granola bars.  Again, I am speechless.  Small granola bars were probably in a bag right next to something delicious, like Peanut M & Ms, but you bought the Nature Valley Granola Bars instead.  Shame on you.

10.  Those crunchy sesame candy things from the health food store.  You know what I'm talking about.  Frankly, the kind of kid who would like this type of candy is not trick or treating, because their mom has them inside making up some home-schooling lessons, and besides, she objects to the pagan nature of Halloween. 

Anything I missed?

Funny Video

The song in this video is literally so catchy, I find myself singing it at least once a day.  My friend Angela agrees with me, and apparently, so do the people at MTV.  Go Dan!

"PPL B TXT'N 2MUCH"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckHtw6rfIbw

The Funny Continues....

Corporate Songs (along the theme of the "Glaucoma" website we all love so much)

http://www.fastcompany.com/articles/2001/04/corporate_songs.html

This is the weirdest website I have ever seen

It's absurd and unitentionally funny, all in one package (and with a song!)

http://www.globalaigs.org/

The website for the Association of International Glaucoma Studies....check out the little pop-up people.  Crazy!