Funny Strange is Lori Culwell's blog

Office This Guy

Thanks Amber!

Book Deals and Other Stuff

Uh, remember that book deal I was working on four the past four months?  Well, last week (Thursday the 22nd, to be exact), it went kaput.  Needless to say I was upset, since I had written nine chapters on spec under the impression that a two-book deal was coming.  Not sure how that happened, but I'm not going to dwell on it.  Anyhow, it took me awhile to come up with a backup plan on my quest to becoming a bestselling author, but here it is.  Rather than dwell on political bullshit, I am going with a smaller company, to get my stuff out there and get a buzz going about it.  So there, Big Publisher Man!

In June, a limited release of "Hollywood Car Wash" is coming out on ASJA press.  I'm excited!  I decided to go with something really small in order to get it out fast and build momentum around my work.  I've now started building up my MySpace page, and am hoping to get a couple thousand people on the list by the time the book comes out.  http://www.myspace.com/loriculwell   

Also, if anyone works for a magazine or newspaper and would like to review the book, you let me know!  I need all the help I can get.

Yes, I know-- I didn't really want to write serialized teen fiction anyway, blah blah blah.

This Guy: Oscar Edition

First of all, tell me that Helen Mirren isn't THIS GUY-ing her Academy Award.

Even the Oscars Can Be Funny

Leonardo DiCaprio:  For the first time ever, the Academy Awards have gone green.

Stephan (pausing the Tivo):  Now all the cameras will be powered by hemp.

I Got Your Funny Robot Names Right Here

We're in Houston today, but on the way there I noticed that someone named "Rooter" left a comment about wanting me to make a list of "Funny Robot Names," since clearly people are searching for that term, and apparently finding my post about the animatronic robot panhandler guy makes them laugh, but then they want some REAL funny robot names. Fine.

I really relied on my hilarious husband and his good friend Cory for this list, since frankly, I'm at a loss when it comes to thinking up names for robots.  Like most girls,  I didn't really play with robots.  In fact, if I had a robot right now, I actually wouldn't want one that could kill or have laser beam eyes.  I'd want one to do, like, administrative stuff for me, like paperwork and filing.  However, "Paperwork 3000" sounds like just about the lamest robot in the whole world.  He alphabetizes!  He collates!  He files!  He fills out insurance forms in triplicate AND makes bank deposits!

Riiiigt.  Here's the list of funny robot names, courtesy of Stephan and Cory.

1.  Pimp Bot.  Actually, this one was popularized by Conan O'Brien, but I thought I'd throw it in there.
2.  Death Juicer
3.  Mekka Scott Bakula
4.  The Elf Grinder
5.  The Floss-Atron
6.  Grumpbot
7.  Muffy
8.  Colonel Squeaky
9.  Deathbunny 3000
10.  Q-Tipomatic
11.  Garth Vader
12.  Ol' Leaky
13.  Twitchy
14.  Mr. Atomic
15.  Warren
16.  Tracky McWhirrrrrrrrr!
17.  Scram-O-Naut
18.  Klak-Tor
19.  Krautkrusher
20.  Steve

The Funniest Sign, Ever

So....after I finished the NaNoWriMo novel, I had to take a break from, well, anything that was writing-related, because I was crispy fried burned out, yo.  50,000 words in 30 days will do that to you.  As a reward for finishing, I bought myself a brand new MacBook Pro, and am now in the process of transferring everything over.  And for the record:  SCREW YOU, HP!  My last laptop worked for exactly SEVEN MONTHS before it caught a virus that caused it to go completely dead and lose everything FOUR TIMES PER DAY.  SCREW YOU!  SCREW YOU!  I am switching to a beautifully designed Apple computer, turning, and never looking back. 

Wow, I feel alot better now!

On a funny note, Here is a great sign we found when we were out walking the dog over the weekend.  Wow!   Seriously, if this parking gate-thing hits you, you are going to SEE STARS, just like in the cartoonies!

I Am Juvenile

About a million years ago, when I thought I might possibly maybe want to be a lawyer, I got a job as a file clerk in a law firm.  Suffice it to say I was depressed enough by everyone who worked there to decide to just stick with writing, but I did get something lasting out of the experience:  I started an ongoing list of people who could never start a law firm with my husband.

Yes, I'm getting to the point.  One of the women who worked there was the partner of this other woman whose last name was Blow.  One day, I said to her, "Hey Nance-- if your partner and my husband started a law firm, they'd be "Blow & Cox, LLP."

Since then, whenever I hear a funny name, I write it down.  I will share with you today.

1.  Blow, Cox, and Koontz.
2.  Dangle, Cox.
3.  Biggers, Cox, and Dangle.
4.  Biggers, Cox, Dangle, and Blow.
5.  Blow, Koontz, Cox, and Dangle.
6.  Harre, Cox, and Dangle
7.  Dribble, Cox, and Peter
8.  Fleshman, Cox, and Blow.

Muppet 101

I'm sure I've mentioned the term "Muppet" enough times to where I really should define how I'm using it, so here I go.  In addition to being a cuddly, amusing, children's show/ toy, a Muppet is also a person who has any of the following:

1.  Gangly limbs, either arms or legs, and the tendency to flail these limbs while running, or perhaps for no reason at all.
2.  The tendency to fall down or run into things.
3.  The compulsion to take a joke waaaaay too far, often repeating the punchline over and over.
4.  A slightly large head.

Meaning, if they were going to make a new Muppet, they could base it totally on you without having to change much, if anything at all.  I've put the following people in the Muppet category, for various reasons.    I am, myself, in this category, fitting 3 out of the 4 criteria.  The surest sign that someone is a Muppet is if you see them do something, then think "wow, that person would make a great cartoon character."

These People Would Make Great Muppets

Rachel Dratch.  "nuff said.

Eddie Izzard.  Have you seen him run across the stage in Dress to Kill?  My God.  Major Muppetage.

Anthony Kiedis.  See previous post on world's wackiest lyrics.

Andrae from Season Two Project Runway.  Did you see the long, flailing arms?  He is the Muppet King.

I am open to further suggestions for the Muppet Gallery.

Metal to You

In honor of Halloween, I'd like to present a true masterpiece of pumpkinosity.

The Gene Simmons Pumpkin, complete with bubble gum tongue.

Yes, I put makeup on a pumpkin.

Also, click here for a photo gallery of other ambitious pumpkins.  Thanks Rachel!

A Halloween Candy Post, Inspired By Ashley's Mom

Update:  Wiki-How has just posted an article on "How to Give Healthy Halloween Treats."  It includes many of these lame items, plus much much more (cheese sticks, anyone?  miniature jigsaw puzzles?) 

I was recently at Costco buying an industrial size bag of the good Halloween candy, because we're trying to be the "cool people on the block with the good candy."  While I was buying my big bags of tiny Snickers and M & M's, I noticed a product that I think might win the "bad Halloween candy of all time" prize:  little individual bags of lowfat microwavable popcorn.  Who thought this was a good idea? 

Little kids:  a) can't use the microwave, b) don't eat lowfat food, and c) want candy they can eat right then.  Microwave popcorn is possibly the worst combination of the three of these things...like, maybe it could only be worse if they were selling individual Stouffer's Lean Cuisines for Halloween use, which I'm sure they only don't do because they'd go bad.

The microwave popcorn bags got me thinking about other bad Halloween giveaways.  I don't mean bad, like, razors or needles.  I mean bad, like, it's HALLOWEEN-- the one time you're actually allowed to eat candy until you get all hopped up, then get a stomachache.

Here's my list:

Top Ten Bad Halloween Items

1.  Microwave popcorn.  See above.

2.  Pennies.  Just, come on.  You're a little kid, your bag is already heavy enough, and then you get to the person's house who wants to give you a handful of pennies.  Not.  Cool.  Pennies are filthy, they're heavy, and they're worth....well, you get the picture.

3.  Loose candy corn or Circus Peanuts.  Rolling around in the bottom of the bag with the pennies?  Um, you're getting tuberculosis for Halloween if you eat those.

4.  Dental floss.  Even if you're the one dentist on your block, don't bother giving this out, as you're not going to stop the rising tide of tooth decay with your tiny piece of floss.  Halloween is the reason teeth fall out, yo.

5.  Individual sticks of carefree sugarless gum.  Again, you're not helping the tooth decay problem with your feeble sugarless gum.  You're just annoying the kids.  Plus, the individual sticks get all warm and bendy in the bag, and you can't eat them anyway.  Also, after all that candy, you can't even taste sugarless gum for about a week.

6.  Hand-dipped caramel apples.  A nice sentiment, but since, like, the beginning of time our moms have been telling us not to accept anything that's unwrapped.  So...what to do?  Put it in the bag for safekeeping?  It gets all the other candy all messy.  Eat it there?  Not safe, and then you're too full to eat the wonderful panoply of other candy that might come your way.  Besides, this contains actual fruit, which defies the "Halloween Candy must be bad for you" rule.  Nope.

7.  Carob Coated Anything.  Carob is fake chocolate, man.  Halloween is the one time it's ok to eat real chocolate.  Don't even get carob anywhere near me on October 31st.

8.  Boxes of raisins or sunflower seeds.  I don't even have the words.  Just...how dare you?

9.  Granola bars.  Again, I am speechless.  Small granola bars were probably in a bag right next to something delicious, like Peanut M & Ms, but you bought the Nature Valley Granola Bars instead.  Shame on you.

10.  Those crunchy sesame candy things from the health food store.  You know what I'm talking about.  Frankly, the kind of kid who would like this type of candy is not trick or treating, because their mom has them inside making up some home-schooling lessons, and besides, she objects to the pagan nature of Halloween. 

Anything I missed?