Funny Strange....

What's Your Sign?

In case you don’t know this interesting tidbit about me, I use walking as my primary form of exercise and “thinking time,” to the tune of about 2 hours of walking per day (yes, per day).  I’ve always done this, and I really count it as one of the most enjoyable parts of the day--- in addition to killing multiple birds with one stone (exercise, contemplation, walking the dog, running errands), I also listen to a lot of books on tape, AND I end up coming up with themes for this blog, like this one, which was compiled over a series of days in which I kept randomly looking up and noticing these hilariously-worded signs.

This first one I like because it’s so vehement, but in ways that are maybe only known to the person who made it.  This hangs in the window of the ham store on Wilshire--- the ham store that has a line around the block on Easter and Christmas, but like, one or two people in it the rest of the year, so I always wonder exactly how they’re making their rent.  Apparently it’s not by making specialty ham sandwiches, as evidenced by this gem of hand-made signage:

This sign was clearly made by someone who’d had ENOUGH of people asking for deals on roast beef sandwiches and turkey sandwiches at the ham store.  They sell HAM, ok?  Get it straight!

I also really like this one, which is less of an instructional sign and more of an existential consideration:  you MAY park here, or you might not.  It’s really up to you.  You might also want to park in the E*Trade parking lot, because it has valet.

This one caught my eye as I walked by and watched a lady try to get in when the bank was closed, then stand there and stare at the sign for a full minute, as if the time-space continuum of the bank’s hours were lost on her.  Or maybe she noticed that the bank is open the same hours Monday – Thursday, AND Friday, so maybe, like me, she was wondering why Friday needs its own separate line on the door.

I noticed this sign on Friday night while stopping by for a cheap hot fudge sundae (because I’m nine):

Now, granted, this sign appears in what we’ve termed the “Most Depressing and Hopeless McDonald’s in West L.A.” mostly because it’s almost all outdoors, and is filled with homeless people in various stages of losing their minds and/ or eating fried food.  But, they have an outdoor service window and you can walk right up with the dog, so that’s why we do there.  I do think it’s interesting, though, that this “No Panhandeling/ Loitering/ Trespassing” Sign is done up in “McDonald’s” branded typeface, and that it has the little McDonald’s M on it so you know where you are.  You can almost hear the “I’m lovin’ it” themesong, only applied to each of these:  “Da da da a DA…No trespassing!”

And finally, I really like this meta-sign, which is right next to a sign advertising flan.  You see, they have the flan sign out, but they don't have the actual FLAN yet, so-- sorry!  Or, are they sorry that it's coming soon?  We may never know.  Logic would tell ME to just keep the flan sign behind the counter until the actual flan is available, but this works too.

Celebrities Are Avoiding Me.

Okay, so you remember how I mentioned playing the celebrity “I don’t see you” game in Los Angeles and New York? This culminated for me in a classic game of this with Brooke Shields, who I used to see all the time at the Brentwood Country Mart (a place where Jennifer Garner also goes a lot), and who my dog tried to sniff a couple of weeks ago (um, he doesn’t know about the “I don’t see you” game, so he figured “what the hell? I’ll sniff her. She’s good to sniff. Why not?”)

Anyway, the universe must have heard me saying I play this game, because lately? 

Nothing. 

I mean, we live in Brentwood, which has got to have the highest per capita celebrity population of any city in this United States, right? And every day I’m on this site, and this site, and sometimes this site, seeing people walking down sidewalks that I just fifteen minutes before was treading to get coffee. You’d think there would be an unlimited amount of famous-person funny to go around. Dom DeLuise at your garage sale, anyone?  Meg Ryan trying to steal my parking space?  Yes.  Yes!  This is what people want!  I need some "celebrities freaking out in Starbucks" to report, right?  That would be awesome!

What gives? Don’t these celebrities know that it’s funny when I see them and write about how I pretend NOT to see them? Don’t they know how this entertains you?

I’ll be out and about tomorrow and the rest of the week, just to tell you if I see anyone intresting. But, you’d probably have better luck seeing who’s in my neighborhood by visiting the Celebrity Baby Blog, where they have great pictures and which I will not admit that I check more than once a day, especially when I’m rewriting.    And, speaking of that, I think I'm going to be DONE with the new novel by the end of the weekend.  Whoo hoo!

Reasons Not to Give Humpty a Chance

10. Ate up crackers, licorice.

9. Uses words that don’t mean nothing, like loopid.

8. Drank that bottle of Hennessy I had on shelf.

7. Likes to bite.

6. Bumps rappers in Top Ten.

5. Likes oatmeal lumpy.

4. Sometimes gets ridiculous.

3. Looks like M.C. Hammer on crack.

2. Got busy in Burger King bathroom.

1. Ruins image, style I’m used to.

These Commercials Are Funny: Don't Ask Me Why

OK, I really am doing my rewrite now, which is why I'm giving you this fun-filled, mostly prewritten commercials post that I've been saving just for an occasion such as this.  See?  I plan ahead just for you! 

This commercial is one of my favorites for the year.   I think it's funny, even though one of our friends did the voiceover, and as we all know, voiceover is NO JOKE, dude!  The commercial, on the other hand-- hilarious!  The only explanation I can find for this is that apparently this gum turns you gay.

Here's another one that made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it. I know it's supposed to be all edgy and stuff because it has Charlize Theron in it and she's an Academy Award winner, but doesn't it totally seem like one of those perfume parodies they used to do on Saturday Night Live?   Is she really walking naked down a hallway just for perfume?  Really?

Like, remember that commercial where the dog is swimming across the pool, then the guy lifts him out and they start kissing?  Yeah, I found that one for you, just so you can do the side by side comparison.   Not entirely sure why Hulu won't let you embed video, but here's the link so you can check it out:

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=22112926

Then there's this one, which is going on my list as "Funniest Commercial Parody of the Whole Year."  Luckily, I can embed this one, because you're going to want to see it more than once.  Seriously, this kind of thing rekindles my childhood dream to work on Saturday Night Live:

Okay, wish me luck!  I'm heading for the novel finish line, and should have something for some of you to read by the end of the week (fingers crossed).  You know who you are.  Readers, get ready!

First Item on My 2008 Christmas List

You know, it's not often I take the time to plug someone else's book, but since I didn't write this, I suppose someone was bound to someday.

This is so great-- some guys at Ancestry.com just came out with a book called "Bad Baby Names," in which they list tons of completely bizarre baby names, like Mary A. Killer and Ima Jerk. Here you can find the Today show interview, where one of the guys talks about some of the funnier names. I haven't seen the book so I don't know if they've tapped this list that I've been formulating for the past couple of years, but I'm definitely getting a copy for dinner party amusement purposes. I'm really curious to see if they interviewed any of the oddly-named people, just to see if they were scarred for life.

By the way, still waiting for confirmation as to whether our beloved Groovy Nipples has passed on. Anyone have any info about this? Please leave it in the comments. We are dying to know.

Special thanks to Lisa, who probably doesn't want her last name on my blog, for the link! 

Friday Photo Round-Up: A Week's Worth of Funny

We're back from the east coast, and I've now opened all the mail, done the laundry, and sorted through all the backlogged emails from the trip, which has created an even more gigantic to-do list of stuff I have to do now.  Did you ever notice that when you're traveling for work and going to meetings for work, you have alot more work to do when you get back?  Positively ironical.

Meanwhile, the dog is back from his stint at dog daycare, and is so tired, all he can do is this:

Um, don't try to tempt him with toys and stuff.  He's done.  He barked himself stupid, and now he'll thank you to get him some hot tea and dim the lights so he can have some quiet time.   Earlier, Stephan was waving that stuffed monkey in front of his nose, and he didn't even bother lifting his head.   It's totally hard being a jet-setting dog, you know.

So, where to even start?  We were in New York for most of last week, and I took alot of hilarious photos, starting with this one, snapped on the way up Lexington:

If you'll notice, it's not just that she's wearing a full-on fur coat and matching Russian-style hat. 

It's that she's wearing all this, and she's about to get on a city bus, which you can see pulling up on the left.  See, she spent all her cab money on her outfit, and now she's using her Metrocard to make up the difference.

And, let's not overlook this charming ad, which is now appearing in the subway:

See, the American Lung Association wants you to get a CAT scan of your lungs, to see if you have cancer.  And "cat got your lung?"  is how they're going to convince you to do that, because that's not disgusting at all.  Not one bit.  In their defense, they ARE a non-profit and probably don't have the advantage of Midtown advertising geniuses on their side, but wouldn't you think someone in their office, like even the janitor or something, could have been like "um....that ad makes me think a cat is going to eat my lung, man."

One night last week we went to see a show at Upright Citizens Brigade (don't even ask me which night, the week is a blur)-- before the show I went into Gristede's to get some Skittles (because I'm nine), and for some reason, Gristede's now has a talking cow:

Talking Cow Guy is all "Hello, and welcome to Gristede's, where we hope to provide you with an optimum shopping experience."  Only, it was raining that night, and maybe the talking cow blew a fuse, because it kept going on at random moments and then shorting out in a weird robot-y kind of way, and was driving the people in the store crazy.  Oh, and also-- Gristede's doesn't need a talking cow to make people want to shop there.  They need to figure out a way so that their stores don't smell like feet.

What about this one?  It's on the side of one of those "Roving Mitzvah" vans in Times Square, for those people who feel so guilty about going out the night before that they want to stop and self-flagellate right there:

I'm not Jewish, so I'm not really concerned about who Moschiach is or that he's coming now.  I'm really more interested in that stinky look on his face.  I mean, DAMN! I think the caption should read:  Moschiach is coming, and he's PISSED!  Run!

Stephan will want you to know that he came up with that line.  And he did.  So there you go.

Saturday Night we went to go see Passing Strange on Broadway, which I won't make a joke about because it was So.  Darn.  Good. 

I don't think I've seen a show this good since....well, for a long time.  If you're out that way, I'm going to highly recommend you go and experience it for yourself, because it is just remarkable.

On Monday we moved on to Philadelphia, where Stephan and some of our other friends ventured out to this charming cheesesteak establishment to pick up some lunch:

This is actually a step up from Pat's,  which is the charming cheesesteak establishment from the movie Rocky-- the one with the trashcan fire out front?  Yeah, that one.

Apparently at Geno's, there is a big sign by the counter that says "This is America, so ORDER IN ENGLISH."

And yes, the cheesesteak kicked ass.

Next week:  more blog entries, a super-human amount of work on some books, and a podcast!  I also have exciting news about a new project I'm working on for a big company, which I will tell you all about soon.  Could I be more vague?  The answer is no, I could not.

 

This is My New Favorite Commercial

Too Weird for Real Life: All New Lists!

I know this will come as a shock-- I like reading about weird people, and hearing stories about weird people.  And because I think REGULAR people are often pretty weird but are just good at hiding their crazy, whenever someone really comes to the top of my radar, I put them on a list.  Right now I'm going to share my "Weird Celebrities" list, because it finally got long enough for a blog post.

These are people who will NOT be appearing in US Weekly, in the section “Stars Are Just Like Us!” because you see, they are not like us, and by us, I mean humans.

By the way, I was going to put David Bowie on this list, but I saw him in Kate’s Paperie in New York buying some notecards, which totally un-did the whole “Ziggy Stardust” thing for me.  Ditto for Laurie Anderson and Lou Reed, who we saw at the theater in New York, both wearing practical sweatshirts.

1.    Bjork.  As I said the other day, for me Bjork lives on another planet, where she makes music and maybe does some sculpture work from perishable items like pimento lunchmeat.  The fact that she’s quasi-married to Matthew Barney just compounds this, because you know they’re not at home on Wednesday nights watching Lost.  No no, they’re on a boat, in Antarctica, learning about flensing.  I’m not even kidding about the flensing, which you’ll know if you saw Matthew Barney’s exhibit at SF MOMA last year.  Yeah.  She wore a swan dress to the Academy Awards, totally without irony. 

2.    Marilyn Manson.   Ashley mentioned this one, and thanks!  Can you imagine looking over in the grocery store and seeing Marilyn Manson buying some Hamburger Helper?  His whole thing is about how he’s not like regular people, which I suppose is why his band-mate claims he used band profits to buy some Nazi paraphernalia just goes right along with this.

3.    Prince.  Too eccentric to have a normal name, a normal house, or a normal career.  He is tiny and purple, and so Prince-like, you have to go to him—he cannot bring the Prince to you.   In case you doubt the veracity of this one, check out this hilarious Smoking Gun article, in which a man from whom Prince once rented a mansion for $70,000/ month (not a typo) ended up suing the great purple one for making the place too Prince-like, including a giant purple monogrammed rug, and extra water pipes for a purple beauty salon. 

4.    Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice).  Jim Maloy says:  “The fact that Posh Spice has turned herself into a giant orange praying mantis pretty much means you won’t be seeing her at VONS.”

5.    David Byrne.  Unless you can picture someone doing laundry in an electric blue unitard, of course.   Stephan once interviewed him for a radio show he had in San Francisco, and afterwards he had to drive David Byrne to a book signing himself.  During this ride, David Byrne offered him coffee, from a thermos.

6.    Catherine Zeta- Jones.  I know, I’m still on this, but she mostly just seems like she lives on a pillow made of velvet and never goes poop.  I know she’s had kids and all, but I just can’t see her wiping noses or answering the inane questions of a three year old over and over again.

7.    Christopher Walken.  Seems like he lives in a locked trailer where all of his needs are provided for, then they let him out to “do the Walken” for 20 minutes or so at a time.  “Do not look Mr. Walken in the eye.  Put Mr. Walken back in his trailer when you are done with him.” 

8.    Beck—not only a weirdo musician who writes lyrics like “get crazy with the Cheez-Wiz,” but is also a Scientologist.  Seems like he would go to McDonald’s, but would order something really weird—“Can you put the French Fries into the McDonald-land sundae?  I wonder what that would taste like.”

9.    Karl Lagerfeld—just can’t see him buying toilet paper (unless it’s made of gold, maybe), or popping a zit.  Maybe it’s the big glasses.

10.    Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes—It’s totally cool that my BFF Katie Holmes ran the NY Marathon and all—very humanizing for her.  But, I’m still having a hard time imagining either of them, say, using a credit card to purchase a book on Amazon.com, or calling an exterminator.  This one is a combination of being super-rich and just living on another planet, in my opinion.

11.    Liza Minelli.  I once saw her in a Starbucks in New York while she was supposedly filming that documentary with her then-husband David Gest (who probably also belongs on this list).  No, she was not ordering coffee or reading a book.

Bonus:  Ex-Weirdos

Even death cannot erase their weirdness.

1.    Klaus Kinski.  Just….my God.  Did you see Fitzcarraldo?  He wasn’t even acting.  Werner Hertzog has some great stories about his multiple nervous breakdowns on set, and how Kinski used to carry around guns all the time.  In case you don’t know, this is Nastassja Kinski’s father, who was a famous actor and died of a heart attack at age 65, because his body could just not take the “explosive temperament.”  Go out and rent “My Best Fiend” if you’re curious.

2.    Marlon Brando—Couldn’t fathom real life so much, he moved to Polynesia to eat fruit in a muumuu.  Remember when he won Best Supporting Actor and sent a Native American woman to NOT accept the award for him?  Yeah, that was before his son killed his daughter’s girlfriend, and then he tried to help cover it up.  Not to take away from his incredible talent, though.  Wow.

3.    Ingmar Bergman made films about playing chess with death.  Nuff said.

4.    Andy Warhol—never did anything normal.  He and his brother had two toy ducks called “The Gomez Brothers,” dude.

5.    Charles Mingus once fired a shotgun through the ceiling of his loft while people were filming a documentary about him.  So very many steps between you and me, and having a loaded shotgun in your loft to even be able to make that scenario happen.

6.    Alfred Jarry (a playwright) was a midget who was always drunk on wood grain alcohol.   Not to be confused with Toulouse Lautrec, who was also apparently a drunk on wood grain alcohol midget.

7.    Edith Piaf, another midget (she was 4’8”, in case you’re keeping track) was raised by prostitutes and had, during her lifetime, malnutrition, alcoholism, morphine addiction, ulcers, tuberculosis, pancreatitis, hepatitis, rheumatoid arthritis, and, ultimately, cancer.  She survived two near-fatal car accidents, married a man 20 years her junior, and was alleged to have been blind from ages three to seven.

Damn You, Dr. Bob and Bill W!

Mostly, I just thought this was a funny title for a post, but it also has a story that goes with it.  This is how my mind works---today I was walking the dog up on San Vicente when I saw this huge sign in front of a church that said "PLEASE NO SMOKING INSIDE THE CHURCH."  I got out my camera to immediately take a photo of this hilariously huge and oddly placed sign when suddenly I realized:  um, the only reason there would even need to be a sign like this in front of a church is because they were having an A.A. meeting there, and also, it's anonymous, so you can't photograph them. 

And dammit, those alcoholics totally wouldn't move so I could shoot the funny sign. 

Also, listen to our show this afternoon!  We have comedian Dan Bielak on as a guest, and it's going to be a rip roaring discussion which includes (but is not limited to) Dog the Bounty Hunter, Mirapex, the Mischa Barton fan club, and sushi sold at 7-11.

http://www.nowlive.com/funnystrange

One of These Is Going to Make You Feel Better

Hey, I know Friday is your longest day in the office, and so, just for you, I have been saving these humorous clippings for your amusement.  Here you'll find a gallery of things I think are funny that have just been waiting for a post like this to bring them all together.   If at least one of these will make you laugh out loud, and then my work here is done.

# 1 Bike Injury Ad

This is an actual ad that appears in a local (probably local to Brentwood) magazine I picked up while I was waiting for my Jamba Juice to be done.  This particular magazine caters to an audience of triathletes and bicycle enthusiasts, just so you know the context.   Apparently it's not at all uncommon to be run over  while you're riding your bike, thereby ending you up twisted and gnarled in your bike, sometimes with the wheel facing the wrong direction, perhaps indicating that you barely know how to ride the bike in the first place.

This ad just begs so many questions.  For one, why does the injured party ALREADY have a bandage on her head?  Did she have a head injury before she got on the bike?  If so, I doubt she has a very good case (but maybe one of my lawyer friends would care to comment).  Was she just involved in a bicycle accident?  Did the paramedics come and bandage her head, and not extricate her from the bike?  I'm just wondering.  Maybe the lawsuit would be against them. 

# 2  A photo we like to call "Good Call, Man."

A completely unaltered photo of referees touching each others buttocks during a real NFL game, in honor of football season being underway.  Go Niners!   To get this gem of a photo, we actually had to run the Tivo back to the exact moment of mutual buttock contact, pause it, disable the flash on the camera, and take the photo a number of times until we got it just right.  Because we are that dedicated to capturing truly absurd football moments.  Please note that there is NO REASON AT ALL for these referees to be touching each other's buttocks.  I mean, it's kind of gay when football players do this after a good play or whatever, but when referees do it, it's clearly just gratuitously, "go get married in Massachusetts why don't you" GAY.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  God loves gay referees too.

# 3   

My name placard from an important U.S. Government event I attended last week in Washington D.C.  Here's why this is funny.  It's supposed to look official and like I'm someone whose name would actually appear on a printed sign before them at a U.S. Government event....and yet it has a coffee stain on the side of it, because in the 3.5 seconds between me sitting down at the table and them putting the sign in front of me, I managed to STAIN THE SIGN, and that's the way it stayed for the rest of the day.    Just so you know, this sign probably symbolizes me the best....I'm official, I'm trying to be pulled together, and somewhere, somehow, I always spill something, or trip and fall.  Maybe you have to know me for this one to be funny, but there are a few people out there nodding their heads like-- "yeah, that is so Culwell."

# 4 Bette Midler's Human Clone

OK, first of all, maybe I'm out of the loop, but I didn't even know Bette Midler HAD a child.  And then....to open up People magazine on the plane only to find that she has a daughter who is her IDENTICAL TWIN?  Shocking.  I mean, I actually can't stop looking at this picture, they're so eerily similar.  Was there absolutely no sperm involved in the creation of this entirely new person?   That is nuts!  FREAKY!

This is like that movie that Robert McKee is so obsessed with, where the guy is trying to clone himself.  What's the name of that movie?  I can't remember.  That is how much of an impression Robert McKee's three day long egofest had on me and my creative life.  Whoops, was that out loud?  Save yourself the money.  Robert McKee is bitter, and he wants you to be that way too.

# 5 This is How We Heat Pizza in My House

Believe it or not, this works really well.



Have a good weekend, and please, if you're in town, come see me at the West Hollywood Book Fair on Sunday.  My panel starts at 11:00, and I'll be doing a book signing after. 

My Dog, Myself

So, you know how they say that people’s dogs start to look just like them? If you’ve never heard this, here’s an example.

 

 

 

Baxter looks absolutely nothing like me, though we have noticed over the years that he’s extremely food-averse, and seems to have picked up some of my phobias. Although, that’s not entirely accurate. He doesn’t not eat the same stuff I won’t eat—he has his OWN list of things he doesn’t like. I’ve only owned one other dog in my life, and that dog was very old so I’m not sure she’s a good basis for comparison,  but apparently it is not normal for a dog to not want to eat everything that’s not nailed down. In fact, we have some friends who stopped by right when we were moving. Since everything in the kitchen was still in boxes, we went out to dinner, but before we left they remarked that we might want to hide a large box of food that was sitting on the floor which included (but was not limited to) girl scout cookies, pasta, a box of rice, and some chocolate-covered raisins. They were like “hey—if you leave that food out, isn’t your dog going to eat it?”, and I think we actually laughed. Because if you own a regular “I’ll eat anything” Lab or something, it might seem amazing that you could leave a whole box of food on the floor and your dog would sniff it, let out a big deep sigh, then go to his bed and take a nap. What dog leaves free food?

My dog leaves food.

Actually, it’s probably not just me and my food fears that made him this way—when we first got him, he WAS one of those dogs that would eat anything, which included disgusting things off the street corner in
New York. This indiscriminate eating lasted for about a week, then he ate something that must’ve had poison in it, because he started drooling uncontrollably and we had to take him to the dog emergency hospital, where they put him on IV antibiotics. Since then, he can only eat the “Sensitive Stomach” dog food, and he’s been very, VERY careful about what he will eat, and wouldn’t dream of eating garbage, or really, anything that he hasn’t taken over to his bed and examined thoroughly, as if he has a tiny dog microscope over there. It is endlessly entertaining to watch people in stores try to give him MilkBone dog treats, which he does not approve of. He’ll take it in his mouth (just to be polite? I don’t know), then turns right around and spits it out, as if to say “thank you, but no thanks. Don’t like it.”

Here is a list of things Baxter will not eat, in case you find this interesting at all:
 

1. Pizza crust. He would prefer it if you could just take the pepperoni slices off and give them to him one at a time.  He does not like the dough. He indicates this by taking the pizza crust into his mouth, and then whining plaintively until you take it back
       
2. Pasta. Unless that pasta has meat sauce, and then he will eat the meat sauce only, and spit out the pieces of pasta, which you will have to clean up.
    
       
3. MilkBone Dog Biscuits. See above. He prefers soft treats that smell like meat ONLY, and even then he has to take them away and vet them before they can be eaten.
      
       
4. Vegetables or fruit of any kind. Out of the question. Even covered in meat.
       
      
   
5. Potatoes, mashed or otherwise. He’d like you to know just how disgusting he finds anything with potatoes, so much so that it warrants a whole new category apart from regular vegetables. Yesterday after dinner we tried to give him some mashed potatoes with pork gravy, and he SPIT THE POTATOES ONTO THE FLOOR like a histrionic woman.
   
       
6. Standard household food, like Chex Mix, dry rice, or pasta. Don’t even make him laugh. These foods he will sniff, then look up at you like “How dare you?” In case you don’t know him, that looks like this:

He also does not appreciate being dressed up.  He finds this demeaning.

Things he will eat, in case you’re still reading:

1. Tuna. In cans. In fact, he will eat any kind of fish, and will even break his “I hate rice” rule to eat whole pieces of hand-rolled sushi. Actually, maybe he’s a seal instead of a dog.

2. Cat food. Preferably wet food. Maybe he does this as a “screw you” to the cat whose food this is, because they won’t be needing this once he chases them away.
       
       
3. Short Bread Cookies. Not regular cookies from the store. Shortbread Girl Scout cookies that you have to buy from your friends’ kids. Have to be in the blue box, even though dogs are color blind.
       
       
4. Granola bars. Only oats and honey, and only if he’s in the mood. Otherwise, this gets spit out right on the floor.
       
       
5. Steak/ other forms of protein. Only if cut into cube-size pieces.
       
       
6. Pirates’ Booty. Don’t bother with regular popcorn.
       
       
7. Cool Whip.
       
       
8. White cake, with frosting.
       
       

Do You Know About This Site?

Because if you don't, you should.  It's provided me with many a mid-day, mid-writing laugh.  It's Oddee, and I don't know how they do it, but the people who run this site never fail to keep me entertained with their amusing lists, which have in the past included "20 Ugliest Celebrities," "7 Wonders of Ultramodern Dubai," and "10 Most Bizarre People on Earth."

My all-time favorite post, though, is "15 Hilarious Graffitis," which is where this photo came from.

Go there now and spend some time.  Think of me while you're laughing your face off.

Hey, did you have a good holiday weekend?

Because my dog did.  Yes, it was darn hot, but our new place has air conditioning, for which I have never been so grateful in my life.  Deeaaammnnnn it's hot!  Like, "Al Gore Was Right" hot.  New York in the summertime hot.  Swamp hot.  Africa in the Serengeti hot.  OK, now I've gone overboard with the heat adjectives, but you get the point.  So hot, we barely left the house all weekend, except to go to a barbeque to eat some brisket. 

Actually, I have to admit, the dog looks like this all the time.   I think it's because when you're in the death-row pound, and then some nice people who have always wanted a dog come to get you, and give you not one but TWO beds, and feed you cookies all the time and tell you how handsome you are, this is how you end up looking, because you SCORED and you know it.  So, to him, every weekend is a holiday weekend, and every day is a holiday. 

Go ahead, use it as your screen saver.  I did.   Also, in case you're still upset about it still being so hot even though summer is over, and you have to be back at work, I've gathered together some similar photos in a happy dog gallery, just to cheer you up.  Perhaps you can use it as some natural Prozac to get you through the day. 

Ahoy!

So, I was in Sacramento for a business trip at the beginning of the week-- not that they don't have the internet in Sacramento, but I was very, very busy driving there and being extremely hot doing work-related things at the capitol, so I didn't write anything.  On the bright side, you'll notice that the California budget passed while I was there, so my trip had SOME positive impact.

Just kidding.  It was hot, but I had a great time.  I also got to have dinner with Stephan's aunt and uncle and his grandma, who in case you don't know, is 99 years old and AWESOME.  She uses the internet.  She drinks wine.  She makes jokes.  It's her 100th birthday in October, and she has TOO MANY FRIENDS FOR ONE LOCATION, so she's having two parties.  Just in case you were wondering what life can be like when you're 100.

I've included this saucy fisherman's photo because I find it so amusing that this restaurant felt the need to trademark the "Captain Smiley" brand, and because, if you look really close, you can make out the fact that Captain Smiley (TM) is giving a thumbs up sign through his fisherman's gloves.  Ahoy!  Come and eat some fish tacos, matey!  Fish tacos are A-OK!

You Take Twelve Homeless Guys....

Now that he doesn't have a yard to run around in anymore since we moved, I've been taking the dog to Barrington Dog Park in the afternoons... I haven't seen Dustin Hoffman or anyone good like that, but you know as soon as I do, I'll run home and post something about it.  For now, I have an amusing anecdote that is marginally related to Flava Flav.

It turns out while my dog park in New York was filled with actor-types (like Jason Lewis, who played Smith on Sex and the City, and who, yes, IS that good looking in person, and Michael Musto, the newspaper columnist), the Barrington park is filled with TV-writer types, all of whom seem to be pitching each other their ideas, or talking about how their ideas are in various states of production.  Last week, one guy with a really barky collie dog kept saying "Be quiet, Molly-- we're talking about the WORST BUSINESS IN THE WORLD," to which I wanted to go "Dude-- get over yourself.  Go lay some drywall if you think your job sucks so much."  Because you know, I really have no sympathy for people who are in decent situations, but slag them off and disparage them like ingrates.  Really, there are worse things to be than a screenwriter who's at the dog park in the middle of the day.

That same day, I was just about to leave when this OTHER guy came up, and started to pitch the bitter TV guy on a show that he was shopping.  I didn't stay for the whole thing, but just the first part of his elevator pitch was so amusing, I thought I'd share it. 

"You take twelve homeless guys...."

This is when my brain shut down and I stopped listening, because really, how can it get any better?  Reality tv has really run the whole gamut in the past seven or so years, and now we're officially scraping the bottom of the barrel.  I won't say what the whole concept was in case the guy actually sells it, but he did mention that he'd pitched it to one of the guys who made "Flavor of Love," and that he'd passed on it because (and this is a direct quote) "Homeless people scare me."  Bear in mind, Flavor of Love is the show where a woman POOPED on herself last season.   Also, Flava Flav might be the closest thing to a homeless guy in the history of television, so if anyone was going to take the show, it would be these guys. 

The other thing I find hilarious about this is the whole concept of using homeless people as test subjects in some competition show, as if to ignore the very fact that they're homeless, and how they might have gotten that way in the first place, like giving them a haircut and a crisp $100 bill is going to solve the underlying drug addiction or mental illness or general habit of making terrible decisions that got them there.  This just seems like a recipe for disaster, and for that reason, I almost wish they'd make it.

Yeah, His Disability is Bad Judgement

I walked by this car today, started laughing, and had to stop to take a photo.  Because not only is the trunk bungee-corded shut from being in more than one accident, but this guy is parked in TWO handicapped spots without a handicapped placard.

You know this guy is like "Man....why does this kind of thing always happen to me?  I TRY to make the right decision, and somehow I always end up parked in two handicapped spots with my trunk bungee-corded shut.  DAMMIT!"

I'm actually glad you can't make out the license plate, because knowing L.A., this is probably the car of someone famous, like Tom Sizemore or something.  I just picked Tom Sizemore because he seems like the kind of guy who makes alot of questionable decisions, and whose trunk is probably bungee-corded shut.

And with that, I am going to Carmel for the weekend to rest from the move and to celebrate Steph's birthday.  If you miss me, though, you can always buy my book.  That should keep you occupied for the weekend, at least.

P.S. I finally found a copy of The Bourne Identity in a discount bin at Target, and  I am going to begrudgingly admit that I actually liked it.  I can totally see what all the hype is about, and now I'm curious about the next two. 

What's In a Name?

This is a funny email I got....feel free to copy and forward.  Some of these made me laugh out loud, not least of which because I wrote a book about websites, and seriously, one of the main things I pointed out in one of the chapters was the importance of picking a good url.   I once did a website for a client who INSISTED that she wanted a url that had the words "ScoutSex" in it.  And you know that can't be good.

These are not made up:

 

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that

represents any celebrity.  Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange

advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales , www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always

www.ipanywhere.com

8. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web

site, www.speedofart.com

Monday Funny

My friend Michelle sent me this over the weekend.  I love this sign, and I double love the fact that I am the first person she thought of when she saw it. 

Along this same topic, my friend Lisa (with whom I attended a Tears for Fears concert last Sunday-- more about that later), sent me this series of hilarious wedding postings.  Like her, I wonder who actually took the time to pull these out of their respective papers and send them around, but who cares?  Now they are here to entertain you.  Here's a whole gallery.

I Don't Know Why This Made Me Laugh

So, you probably know I have this MySpace page (mostly for my novel Hollywood Car Wash).  I mostly feel too old for MySpace, but it's a great way to get your stuff out to alot of readers, and for people to get in touch with me, etc. 

Every once in awhile, though, I find MySpace bizarre and very different from me, like for example, when someone posts this comment on the page:

We got this new thing going on . send us pics of you in ya fave hip hop shirt stating why fire is ya #1 rapper or just rep RBP and we'll post you on the page in a slide show... the more pics we get of you the more times you'll appear on the page soo..... GET AT ME!!

This is problematic on so many levels, not least of which is that I don't HAVE a "fave hip-hop shirt."  More specifically, I don't have a hip-hop shirt AT ALL, much less one that I could consider a "fave."  So, I'm excluded right there. Also, I'm not even sure what the message is here, or why "Fire should be my # 1 rapper."  Is Fire a rapper?  Who is this person who wants me to "get at him?"  Is he Fire's manager?  Why would he want me to appear on his page in a seemingly random hip-hop shirt?  Does this "Fire" have a shirt?  Does he mean "rep R & B," or did they actually invent a whole new category of music (R & P) since the last time I paid attention to music?  Because I'm going to tell you right now, the last rap album I bought was Jay Z's Black Album, and I only bought that because I like listening to his music while I'm running on the treadmill.  I could not be less in touch with what the kids are listening to.

My point here is-- I have no idea how this person found me, or why he thinks that I would be a good addition to his site in my non-existent fave hip-hop shirt.  My MySpace page is PINK.  It's mostly dedicated to a chick lit-type book.  The only conclusion that I can draw here is that this person has totally misjudged his demographic, and is now trolling for rap fans in chick lit land.

Oh, also...

--Peter O'Toole:  Please, someone give him the Oscar, because he's seriously about to die.  Maybe even before this show is over. 

--Jack Nicholson:  Wow, it just took a few wisps of hair to turn him into Telly Savalis.  Why, oh why did he shave it?  Too much head!  No need for extreme close up!

--Cameron Diaz looks good.  Apparently she got the Academy Awards in the separation from Jusin Timberlake, because he got all the attention at the Grammies. 

--

This Guy: The Next Generation

Last weekend, I opened up my US Weekly, and lo and behold!  This Guy!  This Al Gore guy!

This is Gary Dourdan, the guy from CSI (regular variety), giving a modified "This Guy" to Al Gore, who, for the record, I would really like it if he would just go ahead and run for President already.   Also, I LOVE the hip lingo in the caption.  Somoene had to come up with that, on the spot!  This photo is from the Grammies, which I only know because someone I know saw them there.

 

It's Out of My Hands Now

Re: recent petty crimes committed. If you are, say, my friend M. in San Francisco, and unbeknownst to you, you happen to have paid your bill at a chichi store, only to come home and find out that you got a $200 Marc Jacobs sweater for free because the nice lady at the store forgot to ring it up, by all means do the following:

1. Keep the sweater.
2. Laugh.
3. Call me on the phone and say "NOW can I be on your blog?"

I love how none of my friends would even consider taking the free stuff back. She said her friend at work rationalized the inadvertently thievery by telling her that she'd spent alot of money there in the past, so she'd probably already sort of paid for the sweater. Hey, whatever gets you there, man.

I actually asked a few people about this over the long weekend, and one guy (let's call him E.) was brazen enough to say that if someone gave him too much change, he would say "Thanks!" and then walk quickly out of the store before they realized.

Oh yeah. Go ahead and email me with all of your petty crimes, and I will post them for amusement purposes only, on this blog.

Discontinued Ben and Jerry's Flavors

I know, I know-- I have been lazy about posting.  Now that I met my daedline for my sample chapters,  I'm staying away from the computer, because I am trying to learn not to obsess about certain people emailing me about certain book deals.  Apparently, patience is something I REALLY need to work on.

However, people are clamoring for the funny! 

Here are some discontinued Ben and Jerry's flavors that I think are amusing.  I'm wondering how these ever got made in the first place, frankly. 

1. Chocolate Orange Fudge. So wrong. Fruit and chocolate should not be mixed under any circumstances.

2. Concession Obsession. Steph iked this one, but I can definitely see why they stopped making it. Popcorn in ice cream? Not a very nice surprise.

3. Dastardly Mash. Sounds like it has potatoes in it.

4. Lemon Peppermint Carob Chip. So.....many.....flavors. Also, carob is a poor excuse for chocolate.  Please refer to Halloween post.

5. S.N.A.F.U. (Strawberries Naturally All Fudged Up). Again, fruit and chocolate-- no no NO!

6. Raspberry Gone Coconuts. Description says "buttery chunks of cookies," which in my opinion is enough to take it off the market right there.

7. Cantaloupe. Already disgusting as a fruit. Why not make a sorbet out of it?

8. Rainforest Crunch. Way too hippie-fied. Also, brazil nuts have a weird flavor.

9. Grape Nut. No, not a typo. That cereal that's getting stale because your dad bought it and NEVER eats it? Also a discontinued Ben & Jerry's flavor.

10. Miz Jelena's Sweet Potato Pie.  Wow-- racism, AND a disgusting flavor.  Two for one!

THIS guy!

Just got our stuff back from storage purgatory, and I am finding many things that I didn't even know I still had (so thank GOD we paid all that money to keep, for example, a back-scratcher from the 1970's in storage all that time).

One great find, though, was the Michael McKean "this guy" photo from, I think, 1999-- Michael McKean is the guy from Laverne & Shirley, as well as Spinal Tap and all of the Chris Guest movies like "Best in Show."  Steph interviewed him for a radio show he had in San Francisco back in the day, and McKean was really cool about taking this photo, which to me is just about enough of a selling point to get me to watch every movie he's in, ever.  By the way, if this is the first time you're hearing about the legend of "This Guy," by all means go back to the "Christmas This Guy" post that explains it all. 

Also, we went to an epic Eighties party over the weekend that was, I swear, the most fun I've had at a party in the last ten years.  There are 58 photos in that album, though, and only one of these, so I thought I'd put this guy up first.

Lastly, I am always accepting "this guy" photos, and will happily display them.  I know there is one coming from the eighties party, and I'm looking forward to that.  This guy!  This Miami Vice Guy!

We Are Walter and Perry

Since the first day we met (almost ten years ago), Stephan and I are so oddly similar that sometimes it freaks people out.

This is us, in cartoon form:

Actually, this is Walter and Perry, from the hilarious animated series "Home Movies."  They are like eight years old and they're both boys, but they are totally in love, and they love to scream out loud a lot.

This is us.  Notice any similarities?

Christmas "This Guy"

This photo was THE hit of the Christmas season in the Cox and Pierce households.   Enjoy!

Basically, this is a very game Santa giving the "this guy" to Stephan, who is looking very much like Bono.  If you're not familiar with the "this guy" tradition....here's a brief summary:

Anytime you see an A & R  or a radio station guy standing next to a really famous musician in a photo, the A & R guy is always pointing to the musician, like "no....not me!  Don't take MY picture!  Take one of THIS GUY!  THIS CRAZY GUY!" 

If you're still unclear on the meaning of this term, please refer to this CLASSIC "this guy!" photo of Richard Blade of KROQ fame giving the "this guy" to one of the Gallagher brothers in the early nineties.  THIS GUY!

Also, from one of last year's more popular posts, here's Stephan "this guy-ing" a full-size cutout of our President.  We also have one of Michael McKean (from Laverne & Shirley and all those great Christopher Guest movies) "this guy-ing" Stephan after a radio interview in San Francisco.  I believe that one is in a box in the garage, but believe you me, I am using this week of cleaning out before the New Year to find everything in the "This Guy" collection.  Stay tuned!

Dangerous Toys

Here is a post I've been working on for awhile, in honor of the holiday season, which does in fact seem to be upon us.    The subject: dangerous toys.

For the past few weeks, I have been noticing a lot of little kids in those strollers with the protective plastic on top-- you know, the plastic that covers the whole stroller, so the toddler looks a little like they're inside a snow globe, or maybe on display at a museum?  Also, there is a public school a few blocks from my house, and I've just noticed that they have the spongy asphalt now.  That's right-- they're making the asphalt soft now, so when you fall off the monkey bars, you never even have to learn the lesson that FALLING ON YOUR HEAD HURTS.  This got me thinking about all the stuff that we did when we were kids that was totally dangerous, that parents would never DREAM of letting their kids do now.

I was born in The Seventies, which I believe makes me OLD SCHOOL.  I say this only to emphasize the fact that I'm still alive and well, and yet frankly, I can't remember even OWNING a bicycle helmet for any of my formative years.  Here are some other things I can remember from my childhood that would probably get you a nice visit from Child Protective Services today:

1.  Super Elastic Bubble Plastic.  Oh....my God.  So many chemicals.  So much potential for inhaling that multi-colored stuff back into your lungs.  I don't know who invented this or when they stopped making it (I did a search, and while it seems like there might still be some floating around out there, it seems like if it was from the seventies, it would be even more dangerous). 

2.  Cap guns/ caps.  They are still making these, but I remember a fun game played by all the boys on my block, involving just the caps themselves and a hammer.  While I was making this list, my husband told me a very entertaining story about a kid in his neighborhood named Joey whose dad was really into caps.  Joey's dad decided one day to take a whole box of caps, pile them up, and hit them with a sledgehammer, which he did, with disastrous and somewhat comical result. You see, the force created by setting off this many caps at one time sent the sledgehammer flying into his head, and he was actually knocked out.  After we stopped laughing about this, we noted that it might have been better if Joey's dad had been hit in the gonads, before he had a chance to procreate.  Now, before you fire up your email to send me a nasty comment, note this:  several years after the caps/ sledgehammer incident, Joey himself was involved in a lawnmower accident that cost him three of his toes.  If that ain't a perfect example of the benefits of natural selection, I don't know what is, dude.

3.  The Mini-Bike.  Remember this one?  Little bike, big fat wheels, worst possible combination for balancing purposes?   I think more little kids fell on their heads as a result of this mode of transportation than any other.   That means that if you survived the Mini-Bike, you are a super human.  Of course, we will never know, because even if they do make these (which I'm pretty sure they don't), no parent in their right mind would allow their kid to ride one. 

4.   Fireworks.  Oh yeah.  Roman candles, 4,000 degree sparklers,

5.   Models.  Teeny, tiny little parts, glue that got you so high you forgot what you were actually trying to make.  So wrong.

6.  The pogo stick/ the unicycle.   I'm predicting that in 50 years, the only place you'll be able to find these items is 1) eBay, or 2) Ringling Brothers Clown Academy. 

7.  Chemistry set.  You can still buy this, but it's COVERED with warnings and supervisory announcements, and no longer contains the noxious chemicals that could really kill you.  Why were our parents never concerned that we would just drink this?

8.  Shrinky Dinks.  I got two words for ya:  molten plastic.

On the flip side, I've been thinking of things that are in children's worlds now that definitely weren't when I was a kid.  These things, I'm convinced, means we're officially raising a generation of milquetoasts who wear SPF sunscreen so high they're unlikely to even be able to recover from a bad sunburn, much less a FALL from the MONKEY BARS onto CONCRETE, which is how we played it when I was a young tyke.   

1.  The afore-mentioned stroller bubble.  Because if your toddler gets wet, they're going to turn to dust.  Everyone knows that. 

2.  Spongy asphalt.  See above.

3.  Mandatory helmet laws.  Like, it's not even LEGAL to ride a bike without a helmet anymore in California.  So, if you were going to get Darwined out of the human race for being a bad bike rider twenty years ago, today you would survive to pass on your clumsy genes.

4.  The child harness/ leash.  I honestly believe if my mother had used one of these to keep me safe, I would have died from PURE SHAME from having to wear it in public.  I know it's good in concept, but I gotta say-- people survived for hundreds of years with huge families without the benefit of having their child on a retractable string. 

5.  Protective padding for every joint of your body.  I had one pair of knee pads when I was learning to roller skate.  They didn't fit very well, and I wore them all the way through, after which I broke my arm by sitting on it while I was rolling down a hill.  Would wrist guards have helped me?  Yes.  But then I wouldn't be the excellent roller skater that I am today.

6.  Safety recalls up the wazoo.  Check out this highly entertaining list.  Did you know that KIDS CAN CHOKE ON SMALL THINGS? 

Of course, with people waiting until later and later to have kids these days, I suppose you just don't have the luxury of the "well, we've got eight kids-- if one gets killed in horrible pogo stick accident, we still have seven more" mentality.  If you paid $100,000 to have your miracle IVF baby, you BETTER make sure they wear a helmet, man.

In case you're curious, here are the "Guidelines for Buying Toys" issued by the U.S. Consumer Products and Safety Division.  I find this to be a hilarious compendium of common sense information.  What in the world did we do before these guidelines were made available?  Think of the children that suffered because their parents just DIDN'T KNOW not to let a two year old play with a sharpened knife?  DAMN!

* Select toys to suit the age, abilities, skills, and interest level of the intended child. Toys too advanced may pose safety hazards to younger children.

* For infants, toddlers, and all children who still mouth objects, avoid toys with small parts which could pose a fatal choking hazard.

* Look for sturdy construction, such as tightly secured eyes, noses, and other potential small parts.

* For all children under age 8, avoid toys that have sharp edges and points.

* Do not purchase electric toys with heating elements for children under age 8.

* Be a label reader. Look for labels that give age recommendations and use that information as a guide.

* Check instructions for clarity. They should be clear to you, and when appropriate, to the child.

* Immediately discard plastic wrappings on toys, which can cause suffocation, before they become deadly playthings. at http://www.cpsc.gov.

I love the term "deadly playthings."  That is a great name for a band.

I Use Words to Make Funny

The other night I was at a business dinner....the guy sitting next to me was an executive at Ogilvy, the advertising agency.  The woman next to him was this older woman, and here's how their conversation went:

Woman:  What do you do?
Man:  I'm an advertising executive.  What about you?
Woman:  I'm a nurse at a correctional facility, and I specialize in infectious disease control.  I teach inmates how to live with things like HIV, AIDS, and tuberculosis.

<This is the part where I do a spit take of my water, then there's a looooong silence as everyone tries to think of an appropriate, dinner party friendly next step of the conversation.>

Me:  Butter?  Anyone?

The whole time I'm like "Please don't let her tell a funny, work-related anecdote....PLEASE."

Joanie Loves Tchotchkes

Ever since I saw a store on in LA called "The Merchant of Tennis," I've been compiling of list of stores with names based on puns.  What I mean is, a name that's based on word play, so that the first time you see it, you go Ohhhhh....how clever!  And then every subsequent time, it just makes you want to kill yourself.  Imagine being the person who actually works at a curtain store called "It's Curtains for You!" and has to say that multiple times a day when they answer the phone.  So absurd it's just tragic.  Also, by this I don't mean "Scribbledoodles," which is just the name of a store in San Francisco,