Funny Strange is Lori Culwell's blog

This just in...

I love it when people see things that are weird and make them laugh, and they immediately take a photo and send it to me.  In case you're wondering, you really should do that.  When you see something and you think "oh my God, that is so weird..."  that is precisely the time to get out your phone and send it right over.

Anyhow, my friend Angela is on Jam Cruise right now, and she just sent me this amusing photo of the room service menu that was in their room when they arrived.   Actually, it kind of looks like a sex menu to me, which makes me wonder if there is more than one layer (if you will) to Jam Cruise.

Actually, as an indie/ classic rock fan and someone who gets motion sickness,  I know I'd have some special feelings if I were at sea for a week listening to jam music, but I love my friend so much, I'm going to totally keep my opinion to myself on this one, because she says it's awesome.

Love you Ang!  Thanks for the photo!

A couple of things....

First off, I wanted to post this picture of Baxter, because it makes me laugh every time I see it, and I figured maybe if you were depressed about the worldwide economic crisis or some other reason, it might cheer you up.  Because, just so you know, Baxter's not letting it get him down.  Yeah, he's this happy all day long, and maybe if you have his photo as your screen saver or in your phone (which several people I know now do), you can look at it and feel better. 

Next-- sometimes I think I should just have a blog where I record the funny stuff my husband says.  Earlier this evening I informed him that Ashlee Simpson and her husband, intrepid bassist Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy, had just had a baby boy and named him BRONX MOWGLI WENTZ, he paused for just a moment, then said :  "That is what two eight year olds name a baby."

Finally, in case you STILL haven't laughed, I've been sitting on this for about a week, and I really can't wait any longer.  Did you know about Best of Craig's List?  I think I spent about two hours, in tears, reading it last weekend, and it's not just because of the first post, an ad for a dog, entitled "Hideous, Mean, Saggy-Titted Cur."  There are so many other good ones, like "Free Box of Irregular Cat Hats" and "To the Minotaur that Lives Above Me," that I think you need to get yourself some coffee, shut your office door, and just spend the rest of your Friday afternoon reading it.  Because believe me-- it's so worth it, and if the smiling dog picture didn't do it, I think this might be just the thing.

yeah, I got nothing.

As I might've mentioned yesterday, this week has left me overworked and uninspired (though, after I saw some unflattering high school photos of myself on Facebook last night, you better believe I am cooking up a whole post on my love/ hate relationship with it).  Luckily, I have awesome friends who send me funny things I can post on my blog to entertain you.  Thanks, Katie!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Hmmm......

I have this composition book I carry around with me everywhere-- sometimes I write "to do" lists in it, or people's numbers, or things people tell me, or blog posts or chapters of books (though I'm trying to stop doing that, as it invariably means twice the work, because I have to transcribe all the long-hand writing, and then I start to get annoyed and cranky, and I'm just not sure that's good for the overall outcome.  But I digress).

Within the notebook, even though I'm trying to stop writing whole blog posts, I do have a list of interesting things that happen while I'm out and about, just so I can use them to jog my memory when I'm ready to sit down and write the post later.   

This one was called "Black/ Mac."

OK, so last week we realized that we couldn't back up our music collection because we ran out of space on both of the hard drives.  I know, it seems hard to believe that those could actually get filled up, but have you seen my musical posts lately?  Let's just say we have alot of music, and leave it at that.

So, I went to Staples to get a terabyte drive (by the way, I think the word "terabyte" is made up, and sounds silly.  I can't wait to see what the next "big hard drive" number will be.  "Googlebyte?   HomeShoppingClubByte?  Squigglebyte?  These things are absurd to me.  And, don't get all uppity that I didn't go to the Apple Store and get the Terabyte Time Capsule, ok?  I went out and bought that when it first came out, and it totally crashed my network, and one of my computers is a PC and wouldn't recognize the drive, and I tried to piggy-back it on to the rest of the network and then got a lecture from a guy at the Genius Bar, and then had to take it back, blah blah blah.  All I needed was a hard drive, ok, not a $500, super-extreme piece of wireless networking equipment that was going to bully all my other wireless products.  Why Apple can't just make a regular TB hard drive is beyond me.)

Focus up!  Back to me at Staples.  Here's the point of the story.  You know how they keep all the expensive stuff at Staples under lock and key?  Well, I asked for someone to come and unlock the hard drive I wanted, then waited around for awhile, and after about 15 minutes this guy comes over, and he's the manager, and I have him unlock the case, and then he waits while I look on the box to see if the drive is Mac compatible, and then he goes "hey-- I'm thinking of getting a Mac.  How are they?  Are hard to learn?"   Now, this is a totally normal question for a computer guy at Staples, because they don't really sell Macs, and even if they did I wouldn't expect a Staples manager to know everything about them.  So, whatever, that's fine. We're talking about how Macs and PCs are different, and I'm asking him what he uses his computer for, and all nonchalant-like, he goes "Are they really better?  Because I heard that once you go Mac, you never go back.  Is that true?"

Oh-- wait.  Did I not mention that the Staples manager was African American?    Well, he was.  So, mull that one over for a second.

Yeah.  So-- hmmm...  am I supposed to laugh at this joke?   Probably not.  Probably the only one who can laugh is the guy who made it, right?   At this point, my face is frozen, and I'm trying so hard not to laugh or acknowledge that he said this, and my hand is creeping into my bag to find my notebook, because I know that sometime in the future, this is JUST the sort of thing that is going on my blog, but I can't be all, like, calling it out by writing it down, and maybe that would make it seem WEIRD.  Know what I mean?   Maybe he'd never even heard the expression that's now stuck in my mind.  Maybe it was just a coincidence. 

How did it end?  Well, after a long moment of silence, I was all "so-- yeah.  Thanks for the hard drive.  Good luck with your computer shopping," and slowly walked away from the sea of weirdness to go pay for my hard drive.  I never did get him to further clarify the reference, but I DID make a big note in my composition book to tell you all about it just as soon as I was in the parking garage.

It is true, though.  Regardless of skin color--once you go Mac, you never go back.

I was just about to write something....

When I turned around, and there he was.  My dog doesn't just shamble in and lick you like a normal dog, you see-- he sneaks up, and stares at you until you feel the heat of his eyes burning into the back of your head, and receive the mental message:  "Walk me," which he has been transmitting over and over. 

Doesn't he kind of look like one of those little kids from The Shining?  Like, how long has he been sitting there?   Why does he have that passive-aggressive, slightly disappointed look on his face?  What's going on with this dog?

Quickly (before I look at him again and turn to stone)-- we ended up going to San Francisco last weekend to celebrate our anniversary-- saw lots of old friends, ate too much, drank too much, the whole thing.  Came back yesterday, and have been digging out of my inbox (and the final re-read of the novel) ever since.  Swear I will post something interesting soon. 

Get Yer Old Tyme Player Piani!

After my last post about how much I love Costco (although, I must say, I am NEVER getting the Costco flu shot again.  From now on, I pay FULL PRICE for the flu vaccine, dude!), a nice person named Kimberly sent me a link her to blog, which (I kid you not), is called "Addicted to Costco," and has the most amusing commentary about the hilarious products they carry there. 

This post, about a fish tank coffee table, made me laugh out loud, especially when she starts musing about how bad the table must smell, and wondering-- "how do you feed the fish?"   This one, about $9,000 Costco playhouses, is also worth a read. 

Note--this is the part where my friend Rachel will say in the comments "in my hometown, you actually CAN buy a house for $10,000."

Oh, and by the way, I forgot to mention that the last time I was at Costco (on Tuesday, ok?), they had this giant display of player pianos-- eight or nine of them-- right in the middle of the store.  Yeah, player pianos.  The kind they used to have in Swenson's, or that your weird grandpa might have at his house, to swear there was a ghost tickling the ivories.  This really took me be surprise, because a) I didn't even know they were MAKING player pianos anymore, much less eight or nine different varieties, and b) I had no idea that the DEMAND for this product would warrant them being carried at Costco.  I'm just saying, you really learn something new every day about the residents of Los Angeles.  Apparently, ALOT of them have player pianos in their homes. 

I like Wipeout, and I don't care who knows.

The other day I saw the premiere of this new ABC show "Wipeout," and I'm not even going to downplay it and act all cool, because I laughed so hard in the burrito place where we were watching it, I almost caused a scene. 

I suppose I could defend my newfound love of this lowbrow show by saying that I'm not really laughing about the people falling off of big slippery balls, as I guess is the universal appeal of a show like this.  No, what I found really so hilarious was the commentary from the hosts (like when the old guy was like "This one's for AARP!"  and they're all "Worst.  Shoutout.  Ever."), or the extremely funny extraneous comments made by those who are attempting the wacky obstacle course (my favorite line of the premiere, made by a woman halfway through the course:  "Man, I've gotta start working out!")

I know you're bored at work this week anyway, so I think you should take this opportunity to just sit back and watch this show.  Just try to stifle the laughter so your co-workers don't know you're slacking.

I Stand Corrected.

Last week I posted this fairly-hilarious photo of a slutty Laker girl outfit.  And actually, Aahhs has kept the magic going with the outfits, debuting a different completely slutty outfit every single week.  I’m sure those Lakers’ wives are just thrilled.

Anyway, after I posted this photo I got an angry email from a reader (who shall remain nameless, ASHLEY), basically saying that she was VERY disappointed that I’d pointed out the outfit, but totally neglected to mention that there was a cardboard JOHN MCCAIN standing right next to the slutty cheerleader, looking all Republican nominee and stuff.   He's all "what up, I'm cardboard John McCain, and even though I'm cardboard, I'm still 75 million years old, so I don't care about the slutty outfit on this mannequin."

That’s valid.  To be fair, I didn’t even notice him standing there, so amused was I by the model’s outfit (and also?  I forgot to mention this—the GIANT BOOBS on the mannequin.   Did they order her that way?  Was she custom-made in a factory?  The whole thing is just too funny for words). 

Anyhow, yes—it is super funny that they’ve stood a cardboard John McCain next to the slutty Laker girl.  And I’m sorry I didn’t mention it.  Actually, today I noticed that they rearrange them every day, I guess to sort of mix up the distribution of politicians to slutty girl mannequins.  Today it went:  slutty Laker girl mannequin, cardboard cutout of Hilary Clinton, cardboard cutout of Barack Obama, slutty girl, another slutty girl, THEN John McCain.  So, cardboard McCain was sad today, because he was farthest away.  Or maybe he was happy, because he had the two mannequins to himself.  Who knows what goes through the mind of cardboard John McCain?

Oh, and Ashley— you know this means that I’m buying that cardboard John McCain and leaving it in your front yard.  Just you wait.

Finally, if you find the whole concept of cardboard cutout people amusing, I really think you should go and get your own from this convenient online retailer that I have discovered.  Please, I’m begging you—PLEASE get a cardboard Paris Hilton and put it in your front window.  Then take a picture of it, and I’ll make it a permanent feature on this blog. 

Friday Funny: Late Night Burrito Place

This has been a hard week for a number of reasons that I won't go into here, but let's just say I've watched my friend Dan's new video alot of times since I got it yesterday, and I am looking forward to the weekend, when I am going to hit up my OWN "late night burrito place."

And, we're back!

We were out of town last week in Carmel (the loveliest place on Earth), where Steph's cousin was recording an album (hi Josh!), and we were hanging out and having some good laughs.  One of the evenings featured a rad playlist called "1970's Party Killers," and ended up with everyone singing "You Light Up My Life," but replacing "You gave me hope" with "You gave me AIDS."  So, now you have that song stuck in your head, and you have a concept of the kind of hilarity that went on.   Baxter had an especially good time, and by "good time" I of course mean he drove everyone crazy by sticking his nose in their crotches, and we had to repeatedly say the words "he's not like this at home!"  But really, it was cool, and we took the dog to the beach every day, etc. etc. etc. 

What else did I do?  I almost finished my YA novel rewrite, so that's cool.  Oh, and I went through all of the photos in my phone to prepare a few "best of" posts for your entertainment.  Because that's the kind of guy I am.

So, while I was looking at all the hilarious photos to choose from, this one made me laugh the hardest, so I think I'll start here.

This is a flesh-colored car that's parked in my neighborhood. Or, I mean, you probably couldn't call it "flesh colored" anymore, because we've all acknowledged that "flesh" could mean any number of things to any number of different peoples and races, so let's just say this car looks like one of those "flesh colored" crayons from when we were kids. And that's a little gross. You know this person had to custom order a car this color too-- WHY? You should not be able to order a car in "flesh tone," is all I'm saying. Someone should have stepped in as the voice of common sense on this one.
 

Here's a photo of a Laker Girl outfit you can buy at Aaah's, in case you want to go to the game and look like a total whore.  Maybe this is the outfit you wear if you want to trap one of the NBA guys into getting you pregnant, so then you can blackmail them for the child support. 

Here's a shot of a person's license plate-- I personally don't get the whole "personalized plates" thing-- the whole phenomenon is just lost on me, not least of which because of the possibility of interpretation by saucy people like me.  To me, for instance, this one really looks like "I LIKE TO LYNCH," and that can't be good.  I'm pretty sure he or she likes to LUNCH, but I'm just saying-- open to interpretation in a way that, say "4MXF658" isn't. 

More of these coming up-- oh, and also-- a new podcast!!