This post has been delayed for awhile, due to my inability
to create a chart that’s appropriately funny to support the concept. Oh, and before you start reading, this is
DEFINITELY going to be a post that will either make you laugh, or make you go
right over to my MySpace page to send me a nasty message. I’m looking at you, Gloria Steinam. That said, it’s all for funny—just another
one of those random things that starts out as a comment someone makes or something I overhear, then ends up something I think about and bring up at dinner parties and expand upon until it has enough "meat" for a long post.
Also, if you’re a woman who’s in the professional world, or
a stay-at-home mom (a job that is about 1,000 times HARDER than working in an
office, from what I understand), you are not going to see yourself on the list, because this post is all just about women who, despite the women’s
movement, women’s rights, etc, are still choosing to sell themselves, and
therefore making the rest of us look bad.
Ok, here goes.
The Video Girl Continuum
A couple of months ago, I was sitting behind these two girls at a show I was
covering for Fashion Week here in LA. They were obviously stylists (they had that look), and were having what
turned out to be a hilariously snarky conversation about a certain celebrity
that they’d both worked for, but that didn’t like (let’s call her April). Here’s about how the conversation went:
Stylist A: “…..such a bitch. I mean, not even civil. Made me drive all over town to find a leopard
sarong that didn’t even make the cut for the shoot.”
Stylist B: “…I know! She did the same thing to me. I had to go out and get her a latte at
4:00. 4:00, dude. In LA. Prime stuck in traffic time.”
Stylist A: “It’s such
bullshit….everyone knows she’s just a video girl who got lucky and f*&^d
her way to the top.”
This is when, being myself and being curious, I lean over
and go “Excuse me….what’s a video girl?” They were extremely accommodating, explaining that a video girl is a
girl who is not tall enough or pretty enough to model, and not quite a good
enough dancer to actually DANCE in a video, but who is just shameless enough to
be one of those girls by the pool in a rap video, shaking her ass in slow
motion and letting Jay Z put his hands on her boobs. Video Girl.
This got me thinking – to a certain extent, if you’re a
woman and you’re not on the professional track or raising kids, you’re probably
doing some level of this. I’m not going
to try to account for the logic of this—maybe you were the prettiest girl in
your high school and never went to college. Maybe you’re accustomed to getting things for free, so when someone
tells you that you actually have to get up every day and go to work, you go
“Um…..no. I’m going to explore other
alternatives.” And, because there is
still some level of patriarchal dominance in society, this means that there are
still some women who are still selling themselves—now it just depends on the
price.
Crack Ho: Sells her body, just to get
more crack. The lowest on the spectrum,
because she’s basically just treading water until the inevitable crack
overdose. A closed cycle of
prostitution, if you will. Here is a crack ho Barbie I found on Google images:
Streetwalker: Walks
the street, gives most of her money to her pimp, but maybe she has a heart of
gold, or big dreams, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Because really, so many of them do.
Porn Star: Yeah, yeah, they “get paid to
have fun and do what people do anyway,” or they’re “just using porn as a
stepping stone to get their film career started.” These are the lines they use so they don’t
want to kill themselves every day, anyway. As far as I can tell, they’re having sex, on film, and they know that
men are the primary audience for the product that makes them all the money.
So…..there you go. I’m not saying that
Jenna Jameson isn’t a gazillioniare with her own management team at a Big Five
agency that I’m not supposed to name, but she’s the ONE exception to the
thousands of girls who do this every day. Even Traci Lords—still known for
porn, dude.
Paid Escort: This is
the girl who shows up when you call the concierge at the hotel, or respond to
the late night tv commercial advertising “dates.” This is definitely a girl who has always been
so pretty, she’s gotten away with everything, has never paid a parking ticket,
and who could easily go out to dinner with a studio executive. In fact, I was having dinner with my lawyer
friend B. at the Ivy by the Shore, developing these very ideas, we saw a
really, really gorgeous Asian woman who was out at dinner with a very old
man. Since there wasn’t any obvious
conversation going on (like, at all), and since she was cutting his meat for
him, and she had on a very low-cut dress. So—you be the judge. I’m positive
she wasn’t his daughter, just back from Harvard for dinner.
Stripper: Since most
of these girls will tell you they’re just working at Jumbo’s Clown Room to pay
for their Sociology degree, I’m putting them above the paid escort. In my estimation, though, simulating sex for
money gets you just about the same placement on the chart.
Las Vegas-type showgirl: Not just a stripper. A dancer who also shows her boobs.
Paid Girlfriend: This
is the girl who lived in my building in New
York
, who was the girlfriend of a prominent
businessman. Basically, he set her up,
paid all her expenses, and stayed the night a few times a week. She seemed to divide the rest of her time
between working out, shopping, and going out on “auditions.” Someone else in the building also said that
they thought they’d seen her in porn, so maybe she got promoted up the chain at
some point. I don’t believe the paid
girlfriend goes out in public with you (at least not on your wife’s side of
town), but for a girl with a good body and zero professional ambitions, this
seems like a pretty sweet gig. Not that
I would be somebody’s paid girlfriend, but you know what I’m saying.
Model: Mostly I mean “model who is
willing to do just a little too much to be successful,” like appear in
provocative swimsuit ads, and/ or Playboy, or Hustler, or whatever. We’re going to hope they’re investing this
money, because once a model is 30, unless she's Elle McPherson, she's done.
Actress: Mostly I
just mention this because, as well as know, there is a certain age past which
it’s tough to get acting jobs. So, you
see a lot of actress-types in their teens, twenties, and thirties, who either
“make it,” or have to find a guy to settle down with. I’m including the actress in the chart
because some of them are actually desperate to go out with Phil Spector, even
though his parents were first cousins and he’s known for chasing women around
with guns, just to possibly get roles in films. And, to my knowledge, Phil Spector doesn’t even make films. You see what I’m saying.
Rich Guy’s Wife. I don’t mean “stay at
home mom,” or “equal breadwinner,” because like I said, those women don’t
appear on the continuum. I mean “woman with a stockbroker or movie producer
husband, may or may not have a kid, who doesn’t work and also has a full time
nanny,” or “woman who stays home all day and still needs a personal assistant
and tells you how busy she is all the time.” Like, what are they doing? Charity work cannot take up that much time. Examples: Those Orange County
Housewives
. Many of my neighbors in New York
. Some of my neighbors in Santa
Monica
. Karen from Will & Grace.
Old Rich Guy’s Wife. I’m talking about
Anna Nicole Smith right here. Also
known as “goldigger.” I’m not saying
Anna Nicole Smith didn’t love that guy, but come ON. I might put “The Girls Next Door” girls in
this category as well, cross-referencing them with “paid girlfriend.” Oh, she’s earning that money all right—one
Viagra at a time.
Rich Guy’s Ex-Wife. Hopefully with a
divorce settlement so big that they don’t have to work anymore, because you can
DEFINITELY not start the continuum over when you’re 50 years old. Nope. Examples: Diandra Douglas
(replaced by Catherine Zeta-Jones), Nicole Kidman (replaced by my best friend
Katie Holmes), Robin Williams’ first wife (replaced by the nanny—ouch). I prefer not to use the term “Starter Wife,”
because in my mind a starter wife is just your first wife and doesn’t
necessarily get rich in the divorce, but if YOU’D like this to be the “Starter
Wife” category, then ok.
Rich Guy’s Widow. The
motherlode of the video girl continuum—truly the end of the marathon,
especially if, like Anna Nicole Smith, you advanced from “Old Rich Guy’s Wife”
to “Rich Guy’s Widow” while still under 30, and were married for less
than three years, and UNLIKE Anna Nicole Smith, actually collect the money.
If you fall into this category, unless you end up in court like Anna Nicole Smith, you’re still young, you
never have to work again, and you have your pick of eligible guys. Of course, most of this guys are on the “male
model continuum,” meaning they are looking for someone to take care of
them. But, you’ve got your health, a
gazillion dollars, and access to the best plastic surgeons, so you’ll be just
fine. Even better if the situation isn’t
complicated by ex-wives and their children.
Examples: Courtney
Love, if she wasn’t quite so insane. Yoko One, if she wasn’t quite so Yoko Ono. Also
known as “Cougar.”
There will certainly be more additions to this list, as I think of them. Just wanted to put something out there for Monday! I'm working on one for guys.
We celebrated the move into Brentwood by going to Pinkberry several times over the past couple of weeks, which is a huge departure for my all-time favorite fro-yo-- the one you get right before you go into Costco to buy your bulk protein bars and paper towels. Overall, I like the Pinkberry thing-- techno music, pastel colors, tart and fruity yogurt with fruit toppings, but jeez.....just when I thought fro-yo couldn't get any gayer.....hello Pinkberry!
