Funny Strange....

Is That a Poem In Your Pocket......?

Today is New York City's annual "Poem in Your Pocket" Day, in which New Yorkers carry around a favorite poem to share with friends.  Even Mayor Bloomberg wrote a poem!  Unfortunately I'm not in New York at the moment, but I figured this blog was the rough equivalent of my pocket, and so I've created some haikus, just for the occasion. 

Pocket full of words
Unironic form of speech
I will play along

This reminded me of grad school, when I used to sit in philosophy class and dream of ways to make the concepts more amusing.   Sometimes I drew cartoons of, say, Noam Chomsky vs. Jacques Derrida in an epic battle of intentional obfuscation, and I can't BELIEVE that no one ever made trading cards out of these ideas.  Sometimes, I wrote haikus, none of which I could find today, but this inspired me to re-visit the themes and write some new ones,.  I think they're funny, but they're really only going to make three people who read this blog laugh.  And if you're one of those three people, hold on to your hat!

Heidegger on life
Hermeneutics factical
Historicity

Derrida's problem
Structure has a genesis
Already structured

Structure sign and play
Chain of determination
Where is the centre

Ah, I could amuse myself like this all day, which is probably why I only did the Master's degree and not the PhD.  Also, this reminded me of one of my favorite sites, which is totally dedicated to Haikus about SPAM (the lunchmeat, not the unwanted email.  The SPAM-ku archive lives here, and you can even submit one of your own.  Please feel free to post your favorite poetry (or write some of your own) in the comments!

Yet Another Reason Why It's Proving To Be Difficult to "Go Green"

Remember when I started the war against junk mail, during the never-ending rewrite?  Yeah, that's still going, and here's another reason why.  My paper shredder, which usually looks like this:

Yikes!   Part of the reason why it gets this full is my own fault; I feel it is my responsibility to shred every piece of paper that even remotely has my name on it, and I will keep putting paper in it long past the point where it makes that slow, grinding noise that indicates you should really, really stop. 

There's also laziness-- the office is upstairs, the vaccuum is downstairs, blah blah, blah, and so I will seriously keep stuffing papers into it until smoke comes out, and suddenly it looks like it went to a paper shredder frat party and did one too many keg stands.

Oh boy.   This requires a large Hefty bag and a once-over with the vaccuum.  So, it's love and hate-- I looooove shredding, but hate cleaning it up.  Also, I'm contributing to global warming (I think).

So, this is the reason I started calling up companies and asking them to stop soliciting me, but now I have a totally different conundrum-- if I don't get any junk mail at all, I will never again see hilarious attempts at marketing like this one, which arrived yesterday:

 This is a fake "boarding pass" sent to Stephan by some company, to try to entice him to use their services.  Notice how it says Destination:  Somewhere Wonderful, and Departure:  The Sooner the Better.

Really, I don't even know where to start with this.  First of all, they're sending Stephan a ticket to "Somewhere Wonderful," but they're not putting him in First Class?  Um, who sits in coach in a fantasy???   They're offering him a "Domestic Flight," meaning, of course, that he's not even allowed to CONSIDER Europe as a vacation spot, because they don't have a partner airline that goes to Europe?  Also, I think it's hilarious that this "ticket" is so old school-- like, are they trying to entice him to go somewhere in the Seventies?  Does their airline also travel back in time?   Finally, why did they only send one?  Did they think he was going to go "Somewhere Wonderful" by himself, and if so, why didn't they offer to get him a date?    So wrong, and yet-- so funny.

Oh, good Lord.

The other day, I don’t know why (okay, it's because I’m still working on my rewrite, and this is exactly the kind of thing I start doing when I’m in rewrite purgatory), I decided that my contribution to eradicating global warming was going to come in the form of stopping the pile of junk mail and credit card offers that appear in my mailbox on a daily basis, all of which I end up shredding.   I also decided that it was time to “downsize” the amount of old accounts I have, most of which I don’t use, and that this might help as well.  Again, this is the kind of thing, like organizing your sock drawer or actually sewing buttons on shirts, that you would really only do if you were procrastinating from doing something else like finishing your book.

Anyway, someone told me recently that credit card companies have to take you off their solicitation list if you call them and ask them, and so I thought it was worth a try.   Did I know how time-consuming this was going to be? 

Maybe. During this process, I have accumulated the following observations:

** Why do the people who work at the credit card company call centers always sound like they’re in prison?    Are they, in fact, in prison?  I’m not even going to go off on the fact that not one of them can spell “Culwell.”    Is the last name “Caldwell” really that much more common that all of them want to spell it this way?  Baffling, really.  If I seriously hear one more person say “C-A-L-D-W-E-L-L?”  right after I say and spell my name, I think I’m going to bug out.

** Having discovered a positively ancient Bloomingdale’s card in my desk, I call to cancel the account.  “Why are you closing it?”  says the customer service man.  “I haven’t used this account in four years,” I say.  “It doesn’t look like I’m utilizing your services, and I want you to stop sending me mail.”

   “Is there another reason?” he says.  “Is there anything we can do to change your mind?”

    “Um, no…..I’m pretty much not using your card, so just go ahead and turn it off.  Thanks.”

    A long silence, followed by a testy “I have honored your request.  Now….will there be anything else?”

It’s like I’m breaking up with him.  For some reason I feel oddly compelled to tell him that we can still be friends, that his card has a lot of qualities that I really like in a card, but that alas, I have moved on to another card, and maybe he should go out and try to meet someone else.

**After a questionably long time on hold, I discover that Citibank wants to keep my business.  In fact, they want to keep it so much that they have a team of people dedicated to “customer retention,” and they are authorized to give me a $20 credit, just to keep me from closing my account that day.   Of course, if you’ve already cut up the card, you’re not going to use the $20, but for some reason I have fallen for this more than once.    Maybe I am a sucker for a phantom $20, who knows?  What I do know is that I have this same “I should downsize” idea every six months, and then have this same Citibank phonecall, so I stopped the insanity once and for all yesterday, even in the face of the free phantom $20. 

So yeah, getting a lot of work done on the new book.  Thanks for asking.

Things I Have Wondered About....

Ha-- someone sent me an email just now that they were afraid they were going to get the flu just from reading this blog over the past week.  That made me totally laugh-- like, the experience was so REAL for you that you feel like you need to wash your hands after you read it?  That 's funny.  Yeah, that's how I felt too.

Speaking of the flu, I'm still digging out of a ton of work and emails since I was stricken by the virus last week, which frankly seems like a non-bonus of being sick.  I'm so happy to be better, but now I have twice the work and stuff?   No fair. There should be someone who comes and does all your work for you when you have an eight day long fever and are losing white blood cells.  So, that is to say, if you sent me an email or are expecting something from me, I'm so sorry!  I'm getting to it! 

Recently I decided to start writing down some of the searches I do, like through Google and Wikipedia, because I thought these sorts of things might amuse you.   Maybe you're like me and you love the internet so much-- I can't imagine how I got through junior high/ high school without being able to know things at the drop of a hat, like I can now that I have a Blackberry.  Of course, maybe this means I want to know more random stuff, but who cares?  The internet is amazing.  Here are some of the things I have wanted to know about recently:

1.  What's with the Nation of Islam and the bean pies? 
2.  What are some natural ways to get rid of fever?
3.  What is Spinoza famous for?
4.  What's the name of the guy who wrote "If I Could Fly?"
5.  Can you get Botox while pregnant?  (I'm not pregnant-- oh my GOD no!  I was actually just wondering this in regard to Nicole Kidman).

The Answer is No

My Blackberry is not working. 

Oh, wait-- did you not hear about this?

This is Actually Pretty Accurate

What Breed of Dog Are You?

My Result: Scottish Terrier

No bones about it, you're an adventurous Scottish Terrier. Fearless, feisty, and always up for a challenge, you like having things your way. Some people might even label you stubborn or headstrong. But we know you're just ambitious and motivated. (Being misinterpreted is such a trial, isn't it?) Besides, your can-do attitude serves you well when facing challenges at work or in your personal life. No job is too big, and absolutely no obstacle is going to stand in your way. You're always ready, willing, and able to rise to the challenge. A loyal, caring friend, you choose your pals very carefully, then stick by them through thick and thin. Woof!

Take this test >

Fantastic!

I just would like to say for the record that I think it's FANTASTIC that my book is consistently equal to or outranking the following, big advance-having, major publisher-supported books out there.  It's great that people are voting with their dollars and buying my book, and that I continue to get great feedback on a book Big Publishing America said would never sell, because "nobody wants to read celebrity-driven fiction."   

When I'm a multimillionaire, bestselling author, I'm sure I'm going to look back on this whole experience and laugh.

On Friday, April 13th, Hollywood Car Wash was  # 45 on Amazon!  Yay for the little novel that could!

Check the rank of Hollywood Car Wash

Check the rank of Little Pink Slips

Check the rank of Hollywood Girls Club  (seriously-- someone at Crown needs to give me a call.  I am selling way more books than this person)

Check the rank of A Model Summer 

So, what I'm saying is......my book is equal or better in ranking with the summer releases of major publishing houses.  What better reason could there be to throw big money at me for my next novel?

One-Line Slogans

Awhile ago, I don't know why, Stephan and I were trying to come up with catchy one-line slogans for products and cities, like if you were an ad exec and you were trying to sell, for instance, the city of Indio.  I think we were talking about this because I grew up near the City of Indio, and when I was a kid, there was this big "re-branding of Indio" campaign called "Indio-- the Hub of the Valley."  I don't know why I remember this, other than the fact that apparently I had an abnormal interest in advertising campaigns when I was a child, and because even then I noticed that Indio was definitely NOT the hub of the valley, so I wondered why they were calling it that.

Anyhow, occasionally we'll come across something that really just BEGS for a one-line slogan.  Here are a few we've collected:

1.  Echo Park:  "You probably won't get stabbed."
2.  The Salton Sea:  "It doesn't smell THAT bad."
3.  Popeye's:  "When you want your chicken with a side of despair."
4.  Modell's:  The haberdasher for the discerning gentleman....with crunk teeth."
5.  Pork:  the other white meat.  The one that's bad for you.
6.  Cook's:  the beer of champagnes.

A Manson Marketing Misstep?

A couple of weeks ago I saw this rumor about the video for Marilyn Manson's new song "Heart Shaped Glasses."  If you didn't hear the rumor, here's the jist of it-- last year, Marilyn left his wife (burlesque dancer Dita von Teese, in case you're interested) for a 19 year old actress named Evan Rachel Wood.  He's crazy for her, she's under his spell, same old saw-- only this time, she's inspired his new album (or at least this song), and she's starring in the video, in which she may or may not be having real sex.

Um, yeah-- I said real sex.  With Marilyn Manson.  You know, the guy who's supposed to be an amorphous, asexual, postmodern symbol of everything that's so very....VERY about society today?  Yeah, that Marilyn Manson.  Antichrist Superstar Marilyn Manson.  Apparently the video was so, shall we say, RACY, that it could only be premiered on a German video site called SevenLoad.  What the....?

I don't hate this guy's music-- nothing I would really buy in a store (I'm probably just a little too old for his demographic), but I must say I admire the guy's ability to brand himself and to really create a stir, so occasionally I will pay attention to what he's doing.  The whole "mashing up of two cultural icons" in the form of Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson is sort of intriguing in a sociological/postmodern way, so maybe that's what interests me.

Anyhow, let me just say that while I will provide a link to this video at the end of this post (just so you have the opportunity to view it and judge for yourself), it's not like I'm endorsing this behavior or like I love this guy's music.  I'm really more interested in this from a philosophical perspective.

What I'm saying is this-- this guy spends over ten years branding himself as a SYMBOL, like he's the distillation of everything that's wrong with society, everything that's going to make your kids go all Columbine and shoot up the schools, blah blah blah, and he's HAPPY about this.  He's so SHOCKING.  He wears makeup and freaky boots.  He dyes his hair black and wears one blue contact lens.  He stays up all night howling at the moon, and paints with absinthe.  He's a GOTH.  Fine, whatever.  I think it's all just a marketing angle he invented to make his music stand out.  That said, I just don't get this video, or this rumor. Since when is Marilyn Manson supposed to be SEXY? Goth is not sexy, man.   I find this video less "oh my God" shocking and more "what the hell?", confusing, like the first time I saw a Pina Colada flavored sports drink at the gym.  Like-- you're at the GYM.  Why would you want a protein drink that's alcohol flavored? That's just out of context, and it's wrong.  WRONG.  The former grad student in me wants to say that the real problem is that he’s been building himself up as a symbol this whole time, and that for the symbol to actually engage in real (or fake) intercourse seems oddly out of context and too immediate, like if we were to see Mickey Mouse picking his nose or something.  Not that I'm comparing the Antichrist Superstar guy to a pina colada flavored protein drink, or even to Mickey Mouse, but you see my point.

Now that I've addressed the issue of context and symbolic immediacy, let me move on to his paramour, Evan Rachel Wood.  You might have seen her in indie-type films like Thirteen and Down in the Valley, and I think she is actually pretty good.  But-- let me say this for the record.   If you're 19, and you fall in love with a crazy shock-rocker/ symbol guy who wants to have sex (or "sex") with you in his new video, chances are if you say yes, you're going to regret it later.  I'm not saying that as an "old person" who "doesn't understand."  I'm saying that as a person who once had a much-older boyfriend, and who is glad that today there is no tangible evidence of that guy in my life.  I am 99% sure that  in five years (or...possible in one year), she is going to look back at this video and be absolutely MORTIFIED at the sight of herself, shall we say, involved with her shock-rocker boyfriend (or, maybe I should call him her "manfriend," since he's almost 40 YEARS OLD).  My point is:  maybe she's not old enough to know better yet, but is there really no one around her who can say "Hey-- Evan?  Simulating (or maybe really) having sex with your 40 year old  manfriend in a video is not going to put you in the best position (no pun intended) at this point in your career.   All those roles you're turning down right now because they're not edgy enough for you?  Not a problem anymore, because no studio wants their $10 million summer romance being lead by the girl who was once covered in fake blood and having fake (or real) sex with Marilyn Manson. 

So, this is why I'm confused.  This is not necessarily great for his brand (symbol out of context), and is definitely bad for hers (young impressionable girl who doesn’t know any better).  I know, they're people too, and in all honestly, have probably gotten carried away by their feelings and acted on that.  Still, I'm just really surprised from a marketing perspective that no one in either of their camps thought to point this out, since everything else in the business is so totally calculated. I’ll be very interested to see how this video is edited down for tv in America.

All of this said, here’s the original version. Goes without saying—not safe for work, not safe for kids, not safe for grandmothers, safe only for people with a very high tolerance for Marilyn Manson. Interesting – that’s all I’m saying.