Funny Strange is Lori Culwell's blog

The Beatles saved my weekend.....

Remember that "missing Quicken data" thing I keep talking about?  Well, I'm not done, so settle in.   I kept track, and since we got back from vacation last week (and including the weekend-- oh yes, including the weekend), I have spent TWENTY SEVEN HOURS manually entering all the lost data and double-checking it, line by line, page by page, all while crying silent tears of frustration because the place where I thought Quicken was putting the backup was not where I thought, so when I wiped the PC side of the MacBook, the backed-up Quicken data went with it.

So, now I know better.  I guess it could have been worse, but I'm too tired and grumpy to have that perspective right now.   On the bright side, I did take a brief break on Saturday night so we could go out to Baby Blue's and enjoy some delicious pulled pork and cornbread, which we then followed up with a trip to Best Buy to get the Beatles RockBand game, which I am still waiting to play until I have delivered the Quicken files to the accountant.  I also took a break on Sunday to get some of the remastered Beatles albums (can you see a trend here?  I frigging love the Beatles!), and I spent some quality time freaking out about how AWESOME Abbey Road sounds remastered, then listened to through Bose headphones.  What can I say?  It's the little things.  

I am super excited to try the game, and will report more on that later.  I had an absolute blast playing "Paperback Writer" on the drums at Best Buy, and yes, in case you are wondering, I did spring for the Limited Edition version with the Ludwig drums,  I am pretty sure I am going to break down and buy the John Lennon Rickenbacker guitar that is sold separately, because I am just a music dork like that.  

Sexy boots!

Ok, I thought of a topic that makes me want to be sassy again.  Has everyone heard the new U2 song?  I know it's called "Get on Your Boots," but in my house we're calling it "Sexy Boots," in honor of the expression around which the song is based.  I don't think I have to work very hard to convince you that "sexy boots" is one of the most annoying expressions to come across the pond, and putting it to music just really pushes it over the edge.  But really, the use of "sexy boots" is only the tip of the iceberg for me.  This song is like a mashup of four different songs, like a musical smoothie made of ingredients that didn't sound like they'd be appealing together.  Oh!  Raspberry-peanut butter-raisins!  Fantastic!

If you haven't yet heard the song, please take a moment now, before I start picking it apart.  Then, what I write next might be even funnier.

Get On Your Boots

Ok, so-- maybe you'll disagree, but this song (in my opinion) is a mess.  It starts with Part One, which sounds a little like he's riffing on that Escape Club song "Wild Wild West" from 1990.  If you don't know the song I'm talking about, here it is:  



Next comes Part Two, the bridge, which I swear sounds like they hired Queens of the Stone Age to come in and guest on. 

Toward the end of Part Two (QOTSA bridge), you have the mandatory "Bono loves the smell of his own farts" U2 scream "You don't know!"

Repeat, repeat, repeat, then Part Four:  the Gay Disco glam rock part, where Bono pretends he's David Bowie for a second.

Maybe the worst/ best part of this song is that it's so catchy, it worms its way into your cranium, compelling you to occassionally yell "Sexy Boots" like you have Tourette's. 

Also, I want you to know that I LOVED the Joshua Tree album, and have liked (or at least not disliked) all of their albums with the exception of that intentionally postmodern so much that it stops being postmodern "Pop Mart" or whatever it was called.  And, who cares, so they made a bad song?  We'll all get over it.

Only we won't, because the music industry, backed by commercially-based radio stations is trying to brainwash you into thinking this is a good song.  I'm having a total "Emperor Wears No Clothes"moment with radio in LA right now, because mist of the DJs are like "Oh man, this song totally grew on me, and now I can't stop listening to it, which clearly is code for "U2 is so much a part of the big music money machine that I have to say I like their album or my station is going to run out of money like Indie 103.1 and have to go all-internet.  Bluck!

Bottom line:  to me, this song is so bad, I will not be convinced by marketing to buy the album.   Don't believe the hype.  It's bad, bad I tell you!  OK, not as bad as that "You're horny" song, but bad for U2.

Have a nice weekend, sexy boots!

Music to kill yourself to....

Maybe this won't come as a total surprise, but I have always been a big fan of sad music, or music that leans toward the dark-- like, I was a huge Smiths fan in high school, then got into Tom Waits, and now am finding that Ray Lamontaigne, Wilco, Ryan Adams, and Iron & Wine are really suiting my mood.   

I guess I never realized how depressive my taste in music was until I discovered the "Genuis" function in my iTunes.  "Genius" is this amazing little feature that works kind of like Pandora, but uses your existing music collection, producing a new playlist based on one song that you give it as the "inspiration."  Lately I've been listening to Ray Lamontaigne's second album "Till the Sun Turns Black" like it's going out of style, so I put one of the songs in there to see what the Genius function would come up with.

Here's what it gave me:

Starting with "Empty," by Ray Lamontaigne
2.  When the Stars Go Blue (Ryan Adams)
3.  Love and Some Verses (Iron & Wine)
4. Walk Away (Ben Harper)
5.  Casimir Pulaski Day (Sufjan Stevens)-- this one sounds perky, but it's about a guy who has cancer
6.  Your Heart is an Empty Room (Deathcab for Cutie)

And so on.   I liked this playlist so much, it kind of made me laugh how iTunes pretty much labeled me a manic depressive, and got the list EXACTLY RIGHT. 

Ah well.  I guess now we know why I have to write this funny blog all the time-- I have to cheer myself up from my morbid fascination with sad, sad music.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled absurdity...

Hey, thanks for reading my other blog yesterday.  I'm going to be posting over there every day too, in case you want to sign up and get TWO emails from me every day. 

But, now back to what's important about this blog.  Great news!  I'm going to just save you alot of time right now, because I really think I've just heard the worst song ever, in the history of music.  It's "Pony" by a band called Far, and here is a video/ song thing from YouTube just so you don't think I'm bluffing when I say I died a little inside when I heard this song playing in my car, and yet, I was so fascinated that this is what KROQ is playing these days that I couldn't turn it off, kind of like an electric-voice car wreck.

I was further horrified to learn that, in fact, this song is a cover, so they didn't even write this brilliance themselves.

Now that you've heard it, let me quote some of the lyrics for you:

You're horny
Let's do it
Come ride on
My pony
My saddle
Is weighted
Come on and
Jump on it.

In case you're wondering why I'm writing about this song if I think it's so awful, um, this is EXACTLY like that thing that people do when they're like "Oh my God, this milk is bad-- smell it!"  That is how I am sharing this pain with you.  Seriously, though-- I don't want this to turn into one of those "what the kids are listening to today" posts, but this song is AWFUL.  Like, we all knew that Led Zeppelin songs were about (shall we say) similar topics, but at least Robert Plant had the decency to cloak the horniness in metaphor, and never once did he ever say "get on my jock, girl."  Remember that song "Beth What Can I Do?", about the guy who is in the rock band, and he hears you calling, but he can't come home right now, and what can he do-- he HAS to do some blow and sleep with that groupie, Beth!  It's BEYOND HIS CONTROL.  That is the kind of "obfuscating the theme" I'm talking about, people. 

This song is not only too obvious-- it is poorly executed and unironic, and that to me is an even worse crime.  There are how many words in the English language, and he has to say "Ride the pony" over and over again?  That is just appalling. 

And also, I think I just made you play that awful song in your office, where your co-workers could hear it.  And for that, I apologize.  On the bright side, I think this song's existence might actually be one of the signs of the apocalypse, so.... it was nice knowing you.  Thanks for reading. 

List of Insufferable Christmas songs, for your amusement....

First thing's first: happy birthday Brandi!   Tomorrow I will buy you a cupcake.  Have a good day at work!

Now, on to the business of the day.  I saw this post recently, on the blog of a friend of a friend from grad school that I read occasionally, and it was so funny I kept thinking about it all week.   The description of how her two-year old is obsessed with the Andy Williams song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is pretty hilarious.  That song is just so bad, and the thought of having to play it over and over again, ad infinitum....too funny.  Maybe even worse than The Wiggles.

Anyhow, that got me thinking about some of the other completely over the top Christmas songs that we just take for granted, and since last year I did a list of "Sad Holiday Songs" (which I'm sure you read, and if you didn't, I think you should go back and do that now), this year I'm doing the opposite, so here goes.

Top Ten Over the Top/ Cheesy Christmas Songs

1. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, by Andy Williams.    That song really is the most, man.  The MOST OBNOXIOUS.  Even if Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, which, with all the stress and the travel and the lead-up is somewhat debatable in most families, this song makes me want to sulk in a corner wearing black lipstick, just to be contrary.   He really does sound like he's just got a full, open-mouth smile going the whole time.  Just like my dog.

2.  Mistletoe & Holly-- Frank Sinatra.  I'm including this one because every time I hear it, I think Frank Sinatra must have demanded extra money to sing a song this perky.  His voice is beautiful and classic as always-- I just don't think that old Frank with his hard-living ways was totally comfortable with the lyrics "Oh by gosh by jingle-- it's time for carols and Kris Kringle."  You know what I'm saying.  Stephan has a totally funny "alternate lyrics" version of this song that he sings every Christmas, which, shall we say, is probably more true to the late Mr. Sinatra's actual proclivities.  Yes, it involves ladies of the night.

3. Christmas Wrapping, by the Waitresses.  "You mean you forgot cranberries too?"
Let me just dispel this notion for you-- no, they are NEVER GOING TO STOP PLAYING THIS SONG ON THE RADIO DURING CHRISTMAS.   Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas....but I think I'll miss this one this year.   If this song isn't already stuck in your head, maybe you should go over here and read the lyrics.

4.  Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime, by (it hurts me to say this) Paul McCartney, during his Wings period.  Oh, man-- ease off the throttle, Paul!  Is this the same man who gave us  "Hey Jude" and "Got to Get You Into My Life?"    The lyrics to this song sound like it was written at gunpoint, in five minutes.  By Yoko Ono.   

5.  Jingle Bell Rock-- Stephan added this one, and I think it's appropriate.  This song was written in the 50's, perhaps as a backlash to the "new rock and roll," but I'm sorry, "dancing and prancing in the frosty air...in Jingle Bell Square," is just that-- square.  Not hip.  Not new.  Not in box. 

6.   Barbra Streisand performing "Jingle Bells," perhaps on speed.   This is like the Jewish performance art version of Jingle Bells.  Or maybe she's trying to make us hate Christmas.....  I'm not quite sure, but it's actually pretty funny now.

7.  Feliz Navidad, by Jose Feliciano.  Not only is this a terrible song, but I just don't believe the sentiment behind it.    I don't believe he wants to wish me a merry Christmas from the bottom of his heart--- I really don't.   Made even worse by the fact that Celine Dion did a cover of this song-- a fact I just learned, and now wish with all my heart I could forget. 

8.  Barking "Jingle Bells."  Really?  This is what we find funny these days?  I am proud to say I've never heard this song.

9.  Sorry, I am really not a fan of the "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" song, though I am happy for the guys who wrote it, because it still gets played so much I bet that's a nice hunk of residual change.  Still, too on the nose, too hokey, just too....

10. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.  Too perky!  "We'll be dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way" is one of many bad lyrics, and the ending is so over the top, it makes me embarrassed to be alive. 

Disc Four: Time Life Classic Rock Collection

Yes, we're still on this.  Actually, this has been ready to go for awhile, but I was saving it for a special occasion, like going on a business trip and being crazed with work in New York for a week.  You know how I get.  So, here you go--

 

1 Ride Like The Wind Christopher Cross.  This one is staying on the list despite my lukewarmness on Christopher Cross.  However, we’re going to require that you watch this hilarious SCTV clip that parodies Michael McDonald’s totally distinguishable vocals in the background. 

 

2 Saturday In The Park

Chicago

.  Stephan is on the fence about this one.  It’s kind of a story song, and the lyrics are very bad.  If you can just focus on the music itself and tune out the lyrics, you might be fine.  Steph’s cousin said of this song:   “We played this song in band in the seventh grade (he played sax).  I never felt more like Charlie Parker.”  Bottom line:  it stays on the list, but it’s just a little too much sugar and not enough vinegar.

3 Sister Golden Hair

America

.  This is one of the songs of

America

’s that Stephan actually likes.  It’s really a song about a guy who couldn’t go through with his wedding, but it’s not too on the nose, and it leaves the story behind in favor of good music--- it’s almost literary.   There’s ambiguity in this song, and it has a great beat.  Oh, also—Sister Golden Hair Surprise sounds like the # 3 on a Chinese menu.  Just had to say it.
 
4 You're So Vain Carly Simon.  We’re not putting this song on the list because it sucks a little bit, but I do have to mention that the other day Stephan was at the grocery store and this song came on the Muzac, and one produce-stocker guy turned to the other guy and said “This song—“You’re so vain—you probably think this song is about you, it’s totally confusing.  I mean—he’s not vain.  The song IS about him.”  The only thing that possibly redeems this song is the fact that Mick Jagger does the backing vocals, but it still doesn’t make the list. 

5 If Bread.  Really?  More Bread?  See above.  Also, Stephan’s cousin (who shall not be named here), says of Bread:  “Bread is kind of consistently creepy, though in an almost understated way. Basically, Bread embodies the evils of the era. Kind of like an ethnomusicological eucharist.” 

6 Ooh Baby Baby Linda Ronstadt.  Yep.  This is a good song.

7 Him Rupert Holmes.  Just—oh my God.  Again, Rupert Holmes is the genius behind the “Pina Colada” song.  Need I say more?   

8 You Are The Woman Firefall.  This song is like an “average” of all the really good songs of the 1970’s, but there’s really no “there” there, if you know what I mean.  They’ve taken a lot of good parts of seventies rock, but maybe not the right ones, and combined them to produce something extremely….lackluster.

9 All I Need Jack Wagner.  This song kills me, because not only is it from 1984, but it’s just, like, Jack Wagner’s song about how he’s trying to stall his girlfriend at the time because he wants to cheat on her some more before he marries her, which by the way, he did, then he married her, and now he’s dating Heather Locklear.  Yeah, that Jack Wagner.  Why do I know all this?  Because Jack Wagner and his ex-wife were both on

General

Hospital

, a show my mom’s friend used to watch.  So there you go.

10 Walking In

Memphis

Marc Cohn.  Time Life, padding the list.  This song came out in 1991, and although it IS a decent song, I just don’t see the connection between late 70’s rock and this. 

11 Making Love Out Of Nothing At All Air Supply.   See above comments on Air Supply.

12 I Want To Know What Love Is Foreigner.  The more rocking of the Foreigner songs are better.  And also?  These lyrics are trite.  Phil Gramm guy knows what love is.  He doesn’t need you to show him.  He’s been on tour for so many years, he probably has some totally specific sexual compulsions.  I’m just going to leave it at that. 

More songs that Time Life has slipped in under the auspices that they are "inspired by the seventies."  I beg to disagree, but I thought the list might make you laugh. 

13 The Living Years Mike and the Mechanics

14 Drive The Cars

15 One More Night Phil Collins

16 I'll Be There The Escape Club

Disc Two: So Much Funny, a Few Good Songs....

So, what up?  I got my flu shot Monday afternoon, then went to work out, then out to dinner, and damn!  By 10:00 I was wiped out and laid on the bed watching a "Dog Whisperer" marathon.  I still managed to pull this post together, though, because that's just the kind of guy I am.

In case you're following along, we're now on CD Two of deconstructing the Class Seventies Box Set.  Here's what we've got for you today:

   1. The Guitar Man, by Bread.  We have already established that there will be no Bread on this set.  Stephan:  “Man up, David Gates.  Your guitar amp has a volume knob for a reason.  Use it!” 

   2. Tin Man, by America.  I just want to say, they used The Wizard of Oz as a songwriting device, and these two things should never be used together unless you’re really baked and trying to see if “Dark Side of the Moon” matches up with this movie.  

   3. Wildfire, by Michael Martin Murphey.  This one falls under the aegis of “story songs,” and therefore, we will have to cut it from the list.  The only good story song is “Tangled Up in Blue” by Bob Dylan, and you sir, are no Bob Dylan.  So, take your pony named Wildfire, put it back in its stall, and go away.

   4. 25 or 6 to 4, by Chicago.  So far, this is the only song on this disc that’s any good, so we think it should be # 1.  Smokin’ horns, an awesome beat, and you can dance to it.  

   5. Lotta Love, by Nicolette Larson.  Stephan says he remembers one of his very first “couples skates” at Del Monte Roller rink to this song, but that wasn’t really enough compelling evidence to keep it on the list, because I think it’s schmaltzy.  

   6. What a Fool Believes, by the Doobie Brothers.  I have never heard a bad song by the Doobie Brothers, perhaps because they were always so high.  So, remember kids—if you want to write great songs for the radio—always be high.  This song is quintessential Lido rock, sucking down a few bowls of kona kind on Jeff “Skunk” Baxter’s yacht.  Though, I did want to mention—when I first heard this song, I thought the line was “Muster a smile for his nostalgic tan,” and I’m still not sure what the real line is.  

   7. Steal Away Robbie Dupree.  Hmm—ok.  It clearly belongs on this list, and it doesn’t actually suck, so it can stay.  Why don’t we steal away into the night?  Ok then.  

   8. You're The Only Woman Ambrosia.  I love Ambrosia, did I mention?   Still, it must be said that Ambrosia songs are all about getting laid, even more than regular rock songs.  Ambrosia’s method seems to be “I’m going to show you how sensitive I am….so you’ll have sex with me.”  

   9. Sexy Eyes Dr. Hook.  No, that is not happening.  What’s he a doctor of?  Also, this song is so gutless, if you changed the lyrics, it could be used on Sesame Street.

  10.  Kiss You All Over Exile.  Really?  Till the night closes in?  This guy is gay, okay?  If the sun is coming up and you still haven’t done it, something is wrong with you.  Stop kissing her and get it done.

  11. Even The Nights Are Better Air Supply.  Stephan says: “I will live a long and fruitful life if I never hear another Air Supply song.  I heard enough in the seventies, and I am all done.”

  12. Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do) Christopher Cross.  # 1 it’s a story song, # 2 it’s a song written for a movie, which is just yucky, and # 3 it’s a bad use of Christopher Cross’ talent, and # 4 Is that the best he can do?  Really?   Sorry.  Though, this would be a good time to mention our long-standing tradition called the “golf clap,” which is when you hear the title of the movie in the movie itself, and you give a little clap like in a golf game.  Invented by Marco S, who acts in movies and tv and probably doesn't want his name on my blog.  Try it out!

  13. Missing You, by John Waite.  But, he IS missing her.  Maybe he was spying on 10cc, because this is along the same theme as “I’m Not in Love.”  This is a half-decent song, and we will allow it to stay because it introduced a much-needed sense of irony into the genre.  Though, I must add—it’s ridiculous to me when people confuse John Waite with Tom Waits.

  14. Beautiful In My Eyes Joshua Kadison.  Not a seventies song.  I think Time Life just ran out of songs and included these “inspired by the seventies” songs to extend the life of this playlist.  Boooooooooooooooooooooo.

  15. Black Velvet Alannah Myles.  Again, um, this song came out in 1989, so this is just padding.  I am calling you out, Time Life!

We can do it better: Time Life Soft Rock Explosion’s Playlists, Revisited

In response to yesterday's "Soft Rock Explosion" post, many good suggestions came in, through email, comments, text message, and the like.  As you might have noticed, this song collection is eleven cds, and some of you expressed curiosity as to what we’d keep, what we’d toss, and what needed to be replaced so you could make a rockin' 70's playlist of your very own, so I gave Stephan some booze and a playlist, and we riffed on this music all night. 

Also, we wanted to point out that there was a ton of good R & B and funk in the 1970’s, but this is about soft rock.  We had alot of comments, so we're doing the lists one CD at a time.  Here goes!

Disc One: Summer Breeze

1.    Summer Breeze (Seals and Croft):   This is actually a good song, and is a good starter for the collection, although the lyric “Blowing through the jasmine in my mind” makes my skin crawl a little bit. 

2.    Key Largo (Bertie Higgins):  Worst.  Song. Ever.  Stephan's all "That whole thing about “Bogie and Bacall makes me wish I was never conceived.”  We propose to replace this song with ‘Love or Let Me Be Lonely’ by Friends of Distinction.  Even though it came out in 1970, it’s still a way better song than Key Largo.  Sorry.   

3.    Make It With You (Bread):  There is far too much Bread in this collection.  Stephan says “if it were up to me, Bread would never have existed.  They are vagina rock, and Bread is the perfect name for them because they are soft and squishy and belong on a shelf in a plastic bag somewhere.”  We are replacing this song with “Evil Woman,” by Electric Light Orchestra (ELO). 

4.    Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? (Chicago).  This is a good song because Chicago had some of the best horns of the 1970’s, but the lyrics are extremely silly.   “As I was walking down the street one day, a man came up to me and asked me what the time was on my watch, and I said—“Does anybody really know what time it is?  Does anybody really care?”   Hey—hippie—the guy DOES care what time it is, because he asked you.   Why not just say 6:30 like a normal person?  I’m just saying.   Oh, also--  Terry Cath, the original lead singer of Chicago, died of a self-inflicted accidental gunshot wound.  His last words?  “Don’t worry, guys—it’s not even loaded.  See?”  So, there you go. 

5.    Dream Weaver, (Gary Wright)   This is a great song, if a little "Moody Blues."  Goes along with the theme, though. 

6.    Hello It's Me (Todd Rundgren)   This one stays because it’s a pretty good song (if a little bit long), but Todd Rundgren wins the award for “least irony of the entire 1970’s, for having a song (and an entire album) called “I’m in You.”  Stephan likes to add that Rundgren’s follow-up to this album should’ve been called “Is It In Yet?”

7.    Sara Smile (Daryl Hall and John Oates)  A great song, period.  No joke. 

8.    Chuck E.'s In Love (Rickie Lee Jones)   Stephan’s all “I F-icking Hate That Song,” and it’s a shame too, because it’s a song about Chuck E. Weiss from Chuck E. Weiss and the Goddamn Liars, who is a contemporary of Tom Waits, and should have a better song about him because this one sucks.    We’re replacing this one with ‘Serpentine Fire,” by Earth, Wind, and Fire.   See, that feels better, and it still fits in the list. 

9.     Black Water (The Doobie Brothers)  An awesome song, though I did just want to point out that none of those guys was named Doobie, and they weren’t brothers.  Do you know where I’m going with this?  I hope so.  We'll get to the Doobie Brothers later, but suffice it to say that anything by them is totally approved for this box set.

10.     Still The One (Orleans).  Sigh.  Okay, it can stay, but only with the caveat been used in so many trailers, commercials, and movies that it’s barely got any of its original cultural currency left.  Plus, this song treads dangerously close to ‘bar band music,’ but it makes it through.

11.    Hurt So Bad (Linda Ronstadt)  We replaced this one with “You’re No Good,” because we liked it better. 

12.    Cool Change (Little River Band)  First of all, “cool change” has no meaning.  This song meanders and ultimately goes nowhere.  Plus, the lead singer goes all Bob Seger/ Joe Cocker in the middle of the song, and really loses me.   We are replacing this one with “Never Goin’ Back Again,” by Fleetwood Mac, off of “Rumors,” which was one of the biggest-selling albums of the seventies.  “Rumors” is an album with no clunkers, with the possible exception of "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow," which has not only been overused, but is too syrupy for my taste. 

13.    Biggest Part Of Me (Ambrosia)  I will admit it—I am a big Ambrosia fan. I celebrate their entire songlist. 

14.    Never Be The Same (Christopher Cross)  Um, huh?  For Christopher Cross,  you’re much better off with “Ride Like the Wind.”

15 You Can Do Magic (America)  I like the song, Stephan doesn’t—he says this and “Horse With No Name” are mere silhouettes of real songs, and that cocaine and sexual favors were assuredly exchanged in order to get those songs airplay.  I kept this one in exchange for cutting “Horse With No Name” later. 

So, that's it for Disc One.  Tomorrow, Disc Two, which includes "Steal Away" by Robbie Dupree.  Remember that one?