Funny Strange....

Bad Idea...Brand Edition

Recently there was an article in Business Week about how Starbucks is going back to its old logo for a couple of months to try to restore consumer faith in the brand.  I would like to go on record as saying that I predicted a loss of faith the very moment (in 2006, to be exact) I noticed that Starbucks had branched out to serving Egg McMuffin-style breakfast sandwiches as well as coffee and coffee-related items.   I don’t know why this bugged me so much, apart from the fact that I really like Starbucks (and we own some of their stock), and I just didn’t really like the idea of them trying to do it all.    I was actually thinking about doing a whole top ten list about this, but when I mentioned this to a few people, they were like “hey man--- what do you have against expansion?  Don’t you think Starbucks can do it all?  Look at Costco!”

And now – ha!  It turns out I was right.  Not only is Starbucks taking the iffy-looking, microwavable sandwiches off the menu and closing some of the stores they opened in their bull market, mass expansion frenzy, but they’re going “back to their mission statement of coffee and community.”  I like it when theories I have about the business world end up coming to pass.  And by the way, for the record—“doing everything” is part of Costco’s mission, which is why they can sell everyting from dog food to prescription drugs to lawn furniture to diamond engagnement rings and still not be overextending their brand.  They do that on purpose.  And by the way, I am aware of the fact that it’s imperative for brands to expand in order to keep businesses vital.  I’m only talking about the rare occasions when they do it in a way that doesn’t work, and the product or service starts to call attention to itself by being out of place. 

Anyhow, since I turned out to be right about the ‘bucks and their overexpansion, I broke out this list I’ve been keeping of companies and/ or products that I think have jumped the shark, meaning they’ve tried to expand too much, and now it’s getting a little bit funny.

These are in no particular order, and all happen to be food related, but only because I didn’t see anything amusing in recent business news about how, say, Honda is making personal computers.  Believe me, if I’d seen something like that, I’d be all over it.  I did see something in Forbes about Yahoo possibly developing coffee shops, and if that happens, please come back and see me. 

1. Dunkin Donuts adds “healthy” options such as multigrain bagels and lite lattes to their menu, and launches a “healthy” ad campaign featuring Rachel Ray.  Ok, this is just my opinion, but healthy food on the menu or not, I really think the battle is over the minute you’ve walked inside a Dunkin’ Donuts store.  If you want a multigrain bagel and a lite latte, Dunkin’ Donuts is NEVER going to be your go-to place.  Sorry.  It’s not that I don’t admire their initiative, but let’s get this thing clear—it’s not like you’re going to go to a strip club for a scintillating conversation.  I give the “healthy products” portion of the Dunkin’ Donuts menu 6 months to a year, and then the junior executive that came up with this marketing strategy is gone.

2. Starbucks – yes, I’m picking on them again, because right after they announced the scale back and return to basics, then they turned around and added smoothies to their menu.  This still smacks of brand confusion to me, and I know that they’re still trying “menu expansion” as their strategy to fend off falling profits, but I still think the “back to basics” alone might have been enough.  Plus,  I love this quote from a financial analyst who’s covering both Starbucks and Jamba Juice:  “…even if Starbucks rolled out literally the best smoothies available in America, wiping Jamba Juice off the face of the earth and converting every last one of their customers, that would still increase revenue by just 11 percent. And the reality, of course, will be far more modest.”

I don’t know why, but this hyperbolic language amuses me a little bit.  “Literally the best smoothies in America?  And “Wiping Jamba Juice off the face of the Earth?”  Dude, are we still talking about bananas and fro-yo?    I see his point, though—even if this strategy succeeds, muddling the brand is still going to cost them.  That’s my whole point!

3. Carl’s Jr. – this one is less of a brand expansion problem (though, I have to admit I am questioning the combination of  Carl’s Jr. and the Green Burrito) and more of an “I think this product sounds gross.”  Did you know that Carl’s is selling a Cap’n Crunch milkshake now?  That doesn’t sound delicious OR good for you.  For 740 calories and 35 grams of fat, I’m going to need some chocolate, and I think most of America will agree.   

4. Ice Coffee at McDonald’s.   Again, I’m not saying they CAN’T do this—I’m just wondering whether they can really do it well.  Plus, at $1.89, it’s not that much cheaper than just getting the ice coffee at Starbucks, where you know it’s going to be good.    I do know, however, that I’m not going to go to McDonald’s specifically for the ice coffee, so I can say from first-hand experience that they’re not re-converting me as a customer from this effort. 

5. Peter Griffin (the overweight dad from Family Guy) in Subway advertisements, promoting their new “Subway Feast.”  This is puzzling to me—hasn’t Subway built their entire reputation for being a healthy alternative to fast food?  Now they want to claim that they have unhealthy food as well?  It just seems weird that they’re trying to have it both ways.  We’re keeping you healthy!  We’re making you fat!  No—we’re keeping you healthy!

See—I like to keep  you guessing.  You come here for the funny, and sometimes  I give you some brand analysis and strategy.  Yeah, I read Business Week, people.  Did you think I could consult for Johnson & Johnson for eight years and not know some stuff about branding?  Internet, you have underestimated me!

Barack Obama's Speech: You Know Your Grandma is Racist Too

Here's Barack Obama's speech on race, in case you haven't seen it.  I included the whole thing (it's 40 minutes long), in case you wanted to watch it.   You can also see the whole transcript here. 

No matter what your political leaning, I think it’s great that Barack Obama is addressing the issue of race. I mean, even though we're here in 2008 and supposed to be enlightened and all, it’s obviously still a problem-we all have this sort of vintage racism in our families. Case in point: my grandma (who I seem to be discussing a lot this week) is 97 and was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, so you know she’s got some old-school racism going, and she doesn’t even think it’s wrong.

Here’s an example: a couple of years ago, we were sitting in her living room watching tv (turned up loud), and she turned to me, totally seriously, and said “Lori—Halle Berry is so beautiful. Why does she tell people she’s black?”

I'll give you a second to soak that in.  Mmmmm-hmmmm!  That's good stuff!

So, obviously this is a hearkening back to the day when if you could pass, you would. I started to try to explain to her that Halle Berry is an Academy Award winning millionaire beautiful model woman, and that there is no reason on earth for her to lie about being black, and that, in fact, she's proud of her heritage and it's great that we live in a day and age where she doesn't have to hide her background just to be successful.  I said this, of course, and she just stared at me and shook her head.  She's racist in the past, you see, and since I can't go back in time and convince her that what's right to us now should have been right all along, I just have to listen to her questionable comments, some of which don't even make sense anymore because they're so antiquated.  Not convinced?  How about this one-- when my nana has to wait for more than ten minutes for her food in a restaurant, she will look at me and say:  "This place is as SLOW AS INJUNS!"  Um, what does that even mean?  You seriously might have to be carrying a musket and wearing a coonskin cap for that to still be a relevant comment on the state of things.

Anyway,I think that's one of Obama's best points-- that America is changing, and that it's better to just acknowledge the racism inherent in our society, and do something about it.    obama speech obama race speech video obama speech march 18 obama speech youtube barack speech barack
Also, in case you didn't hear, Arthur C. Clarke died-- he was a sci-fi writer and was the original author of 2001: A Space Odyssey and was 90, so that's sad but not unbelievable.  But...did you know that he died of complications from POLIO?  Is that even possible anymore?  When I told Stephan this, he said "Wow,they should freeze his body and bring him back in the future, once polio has been eradicated-- oh wait, that's now."  Ba da boom!

This Just In: Olsen Twins Have Bad Breath

Flu watch: day six. My fever finally broke, and now I am a little less of the zombie version of Lori Culwell though still not doing anything more strenuous than blowing my nose. Also, I am completely bored out of my mind. Finally, have taken so much Tylenol, I might need a new liver. Anyone got a lobe they can spare? Kidding, of course. If you go multiple days with a high fever you have to go to the doctor specially for "fever management," and they tell you what you can take, and what mixes with each other so you don't hurt yourself. But, let's just say that this is a fever that never breaks, it just goes down, taking you from "I'm going to die" to "I feel really hot and cold at the same time, but I'm kind of okay with it. On the plus side, ALL of my skinny jeans fit again. Speaking of skinny girls, here's another post from over the weekend, just so you don't have to only get the flu update. But really, send me some healing vibes.

OMG, you know what's funny about these sub-headlines? 

What's funny is that Stephan and I have been saying this for YEARS, ever since those pictures of Mary-Kate Olsen, with coffee and Marlboros in hand all the time, started surfacing everywhere (a couple of years ago).  Specifically, I think we said that they look like they starve themselves, then drink coffee, then smoke Marlboro Reds, then eat toilet paper, then drink all night and throw up, and they look like their breath generally reflects all of these things.

Maybe I should start a career as a celebrity psychic-- like, predicting things about celebrities that are probably true, then they get confirmed later by trashy magazines.

Or maybe I already did. 

911? Really?

So, over the holidays I started seeing this sign "CALL 911 FOR DRUNK DRIVERS."  Granted, maybe I saw it more because I was driving around more during the holidays (like, transversing the length of the state of California to give out and receive presents, as well as eat dinner with everyone we know).  Now that I research it a little more, I come to find that the California Office of Traffic and Safety is doing a huge crackdown on drunk drivers, so they started really pushing this campaign during the month of December.  They even have this catchy little sign.  Nice, huh?

Now, here's the thing.  It's not like I'm all "pro drunk driver" or anything.  I mean, generally speaking I think drunk driving is a bad policy, and I've had a couple of friends who have really paid the price (and I do mean literally) for this, and will never do it again.  I have never done it, and Stephan and I have a strict "no drink when driving" policy. But.....911 for a drunk driver?  Seriously?  I have several issues with this.

For one thing, aren't enough people already calling 911-- for legitimate reasons, like because their HOUSE IS ON FIRE, or because they're CHOKING ON A SANDWICH, or HAVING A HEART ATTACK, or because a TIGER IS BITING THEM IN THE FACE?  Adding a bunch of cellphone-happy drivers reporting what they THINK might be drunk drivers (but honestly, who might just be idiots trying to text message while they're driving, causing them to weave through lanes of traffic) does NOT sound like a good idea to me.

How about this?  If you see a drunk driver, GET AWAY FROM THEM.  Clear the way for the CHP to catch them, because that's what they're there for, and let's leave the 911 lines open for things like TIGER ATTACKS, or things that really do belong in capital letters.  Again, I'm not saying that drunk driving isn't a serious crime.  I'm just saying there's only so much 911 to go around, and I don't think we should be using it all up on people "weaving and braking erratically," which is how the CA.GOV website is defining a "suspicious or drunk driver."  Also on this list?  "Following too close," which means I'm pretty much going to have to report every single person in the municipality of Los Angeles, dude.  People are bad drivers, and I don't believe all of them are drunk.  I mean, a guy seriously wove into my lane today in Malibu, and he didn't seem drunk-- just stupid.  What if I called 911 and had a police task force deployed to investigate this young and careless gentleman, only to take those officers away from an elderly person getting robbed?  THEN who's the asshole?  I'm just saying.   My mother always taught me that 911 was OFF LIMITS, only to be used in EMERGENCIES, which are things you might use capital letters for.

This got me thinking-- New York City has developed a very effective system for non-emergent things that you might still want to to report to the police.  They use 311, and it works like a charm.  Of course, this also brings up alot of questions, like I wonder how many years of crazy phonecalls they had to get before they were like "Um.....ma'am?  A man in your apartment building with a chicken is not a 911-- it's a 311," but that's beside the point.  My point, really, is that 911 is for emergencies, and while an actual drunk driver might be just that, people reporting what they THINK is a drunk driver is just going to deluge the 911 system with nonsense, thus rendering it totally useless.  Like, we should be grateful we HAVE 911, and not abuse it-- that's all I'm saying.    We just got past the whole "911 is a joke" era.  We don't want to set ourselves back as a society to the point where Flava Flav is going to feel the need to write some biting social commentary about us again, do we? 

That is all.

Tried to Make Her Go To Rehab.....

If there is a more sadly ironic song than "Rehab," I would like to hear it.  Because really, when they tried to make her go to rehab, she should've said "Yes, please."  Then maybe she wouldn't be wandering around the street, teeth missing, her crack-addled body covered only by a pair of jeans likely purchased in the children's section of TopShop, as well as a red bra.  Really, I can't even listen to Winehouse's music anymore, because her voice just reminds me of the fact that she has all that talent, and that she's just pissing it away.

Speaking of pissing it away, Oh My God did you hear about Britney Spears' 16 year old pregnant sister?  Wow, now THAT's a good sister-- taking all the heat off of Britney like that.  Because frankly, the pregnant teenage star of a Nickelodeon show is going to throw the paparazzi off of Britney's antics for a decent amount of time, like maybe long enough for her to pull herself together.  Just kidding.  I am actually completely shocked that the powers that be over at Nickelodeon didn't whip a black-ops style kidnapping on her, just to "take care of the problem," if you know what I mean.  Because there's big money in that image, man!  Moms all over the world are now having to explain to their kids why "Zoey 101" is knocked up.  You KNOW this would never happen to one of the High School Musical kids, right?  Not a chance.

You know that mom already has the last kid on a plane to military school, right?  Because that is just SCANDALOUS.  I mean, we know they're white trash, but you'd think that all that money and power would give you some common sense.    Just....wow.  And I thought Jessica Alba was bad.  Also to be filed under "surprising" is the fact that a Christian publisher has "indefinitely delayed" Lynne Spears' Christian child-rearing book, because clearly no one wants her advice anymore.  Ouch.

Sad Holiday Songs, Volume I

We're leaving for New York on Sunday, so I'm trying to get all my funny in before we do, since when I travel I end up writing all my blog posts in a black composition book, then transcribing them when I'm back in the office. 

Again, this is something that probably only I notice. The holidays bring up a lot of mixed feelings for people, and I think those feelings are well reflected in a number of songs that SOUND cheerful, but in reality are far from it. Think of me the next time one of these gems pops up on your Holiday Compilation CD you got from Best Buy.

 

1. I’ll      Be Home for Christmas. I think the      Frank Sinatra version is probably the most depressing. This song is clearly told from the      perspective of someone who is fighting in an overseas war, so they will      decidedly NOT be home for Christmas. Thus the biting “if only in my dreams” tag at the end. Ew! It burns! He’s probably      holed up in a hospital somewhere with no legs, eating MREs (Meals Ready to      Eat, in case you’re not a military kid like me) and reminiscing about when      things didn’t suck so much.
       
       
2. Baby,      It’s Cold Outside. The original      date rape song. “OK, thanks for      dinner….I’m just going to go home now” “No….baby it’s cold outside, why don’t you stay for awhile….take      off your coat…..” Translation: we’re snowed in, I’m certainly not      putting the chains on my tires to get us out of here, and so, frankly, you’re      not going anywhere.
       
       
3. If I      Get Home on Christmas Day (Elvis)…notice that the operative word in the      title is “If,” not “When,” implying that while he’s going to do his      darndest to tear himself away from the drink and the dice, he is probably      not going to be successful again this year. Elvis also gives us the stunningly      depressing “Blue Christmas,” where he knows you’re going to have a good      Christmas, but without you he’s never going to smile again. So, put that in your cranberry sauce and      smoke it.
       
       
4. Do      They Know It’s Christmas? Remember      this one? Um, I don’t know about      you, but when I’m getting my turkey and stuffing on, I definitely do NOT      want to think about starving children in

   Africa

   .
    
   
5. The Christmas Shoes, by NewSong. This one is about a little boy who’s trying to raise money to buy his mama a pair of shoes for Christmas—because she’s DYING, and he wants her to look nice in case she meets Jesus tonight. Not surprisingly, this one doesn’t get much airplay anymore.
       
       

 

I'm Having a Chocolate Moment Right Now

You know, those Dove individual chocolates are really good.  First I started eating the dark chocolate ones, because (I can't believe I'm admitting this) I read in a women's magazine that if you eat a few of them after dinner, it tricks your body into thinking you've had dessert.  This is a textbook eating disorder thing to do, but it actually works.  Anyway, then I got a box of the Milk Chocolate ones for free (at the Emmys, actually-- the box of chocolates had an Emmy on them, if you can believe it).  And those things are just really, really delicious.   It was when I was in the midst of eating one of these that I noticed that every one of them has a clever little saying inside, like "Life is Short....Eat More Chocolate." These are called your chocolate moments, you see. This prompted me to go to the Dove website, which led me to this spectacular piece of copywriting geniosity:

We know you treasure your chocolate moments.

That's why we at DOVE® are passionate about chocolate. Whether it's our buyers in search of premium cocoa beans to the chefs who prepare and taste our chocolate each day, we are dedicated to creating the most luscious, silky, creamy chocolate experience for you.

From our silky chocolate pieces to our new ice cream and cookies, DOVE® creates a chocolate moment like no other.

So, maybe I'm the only person who thinks this (I seem to start an awful lot of these posts this way), but when I see a piece of writing that's obviously meant to be faux-profound, it always makes me think of the copywriter, sitting at their desk in their ad agency, chin resting in hand, noodling around on a piece of paper, trying to make words into something that sounds deep.  Because someone has to write those words, you know.  A real writer, who goes to work every day (or maybe works from home), and they get an assignment, and the assignment is always something like "write us a series of clever haikus that reflect our corporate equity while using the word "leadership."  I'm actually not making that up, because that was a project I got assigned, and spent two weeks working on in 1999.  The assignment after that involved writing a narrative of a character called <CORPORATION> Man, only the characteristics of the man were those of the corporation, get it?  Like, <CORPORATION> Man is trustworthy and brave!  He climbs the mountain and surmounts obstacles, rather than taking the easy way out!  Through insider connections, I managed to get myself transferred onto another project that made me want to kill myself a little bit less, and pass this gem on to a more junior writer.  Now, before you go all "that's cold-- no one deserves a crap assignment like that," understand this:  I paid my dues.  In fact, one of my very first paid jobs as a freelance writer was to write summaries of catalogs.  Yes-- summaries.  Of catalogs.  But, the summaries had to sound catchy, like "This clever catalog incorporates the best of baby clothing with a variety of products for your pampered pooch!"

Yeah, makes you die a little inside just to read that, I know.  How do you think I felt?  I got paid BY THE CATALOG.  Sometimes getting paid to write is a weird thing-- it makes you feel a little like a creativity plumber or something.  Like, creativity is something you're supposed to reserve for your "hobbies," or your "off hours," and yet here we are, trying to be profound on cue.  I suppose graphic designers have this problem as well, and fashion designers, and really anyone whose job involves getting a paycheck to pull something (hopefully something deep) out of your mind.  I'm just saying it's different than adding numbers to a spreadsheet is all.  And so whenever I see a piece of ad copy where it's so clear that someone was standing right over the copywriter's desk, pressuring them to "turn on the creativity faucet and let it flow!" I pause for a moment, because you know, I feel for that person.    Sometimes you get to work and you don't feel like writing about chocolate, but no one cares.  They need their words by 3pm, and they could really care less if you feel inspired, or if your muse is speaking to you.  Pen to paper, man!  Let's have 150 words on the chocolate moment, and make it snappy!

On the other hand, I don't get writer's block ever, because I've learned to regard my daily output of words as my utilitarian contribution to society, like being a word plumber or a word UPS man.    Because of this training I CAN actually sit down and write something that sounds decent about almost any topic, which has served me well in my life.

Yes, these are the things I spend time thinking about, because I don't have children.

And....Wecome Back!

Hello, and how are you?  How was your Thanksgiving?  Did you eat alot of leftover Turkey?

We did.  And stuffing, and ribs, and pie, and....oh, you get the picture.  Yes, I went shopping on Black Friday.  We had a great time with everyone.  The in-laws (who aren't mad at us for the 49er ticket debacle) went home on Saturday.  Maddie learned to color last week, and when she wasn't eating the crayons, she was actually quite good at it.  Yes, my pants look weird in this photo, but my hair looks good, so I went with it.

Another thing we did we start watching the giant pile of backlogged tv shows that are trapped in our Tivo, perhaps to never be retrieved, beginning with this current season of Project Runway.

I have to say, I am giving this show one more episode, because it's WAY too full of "eccentric types" this season, then I quit if some more of them don't get cut.  I'll watch the finale to see who wins, but I honestly can't take the quirkiness.  I know they cast the show so that we'll be entertained by the weird people as well as watching them make the clothes, but I really think they've gotten the balance wrong this season.

Here's what I mean.  This season we've got, to start, a guy named MARION, who is 39 years old, but looks like he should be on the street corner in that movie "Newsies," going "Extree, Extree-- read all about it!"  He seriously looks like the kind of guy that would be your next door neighbor, and then he'd turn out to be a serial killer, and then when they came to interview you, you'd be like "No, I knew that guy was crazy-- he didn't seem normal AT ALL."  OK, he got cut for making that ugly Pocahontas dress, so he's gone, but he's not even the worst.

The worst is Christian Siriano, who might be talented, but I'm sorry, is so egotistical and so annoyingly feminine, and has positively the worst looking hair I've ever seen.  I don't give a shit what he's designing, because I don't want to look at his stupid face anymore.  If we've learned anything from Jeffrey Sebelia, it's that annoying egomaniacs don't make good Project Runway winners.  I don't care that he worked for Alexander McQueen when he was 21, ok?  I don't care if he worked for Steve McQueen.  So....let's cut him and get on with it.  I honestly don't know where the casting directors find these people.  Is there no one left in the world who is normal and knows how to design clothes?

So far, I'm rooting for Victoria or Rami, because the concept of a 46 year old woman named "Sweet P" is enough to make me want to slash my wrists.   I might also want to mention Elisa, who is from Mars and spits on her clothes to measure them, Jack, who is too gay for practical life, Ricky, who has a hat that looks like Jiffy Pop and is already crying in every interview, and it's only Week 2, and Carmen, who seriously might be a post-op transsexual, and who Stephan has labeled "Maya Angelou meets El DeBarge."

What do I mean by "Too Gay for Practical Life," you might ask?   I mean that Jack's level of flamboyance has exceeded maximum levels of gay, even for me, and the last three cities I lived in were SAN FRANCISCO, MANHATTAN, AND LOS ANGELES.  At this point, Jack is too gay to be a fashion designer, ok?  He's too gay to be an interior designer.  He's too gay to be a GOD DAMNED Broadway choreographer.  Of course, I'm talking about the overly flamboyant "GAY PERSONALITY," which to me is mostly agenda, like it's so "in your face" and "challenging" that you can't even have a regular conversation.  HE'S GAY, OK??????  GET USED TO IT!!!!!  I used to work with a graphic designer who was like this, and I swear we couldn't even have conversations about client projects without him saying the words "I'm queer."  Yeah, we get it.  Now, let's move on. It's almost 2008, and it's really ok to just be what you are and to not hit people over the head with it. 

I swear, I can take one more week of the "totally eccentric cast of Project Runway," and then I am done.  Too wacky, ok?!  Too repugnant!  They have challenged us to continue watching, and I am not willing to accept that challenge.

Also, I am almost done with my novel for NaNoWriMo.  Exciting!

Top Ten Story Songs of All Time

In honor of the fact that I am going to see my friend Joe Henry in concert on Friday with Loudon Wainwright III, and also because I have been asked to audition for "Don't Forget the Lyrics" next week, a show on which I would be great because if you know me, you know that I know way too many 80's and 90's lyrics and have absolutely no compunction about sharing them, I thought I would compile a list of ten great "story songs."

You know story songs, right? These are songs that AREN'T allegorical or representational in any way. They are intentially ironic at times, and this is why I find them funny. These are actual stories, about people, and you better sit down, because most of them are long and they have a point to make. I'm not saying they're all bad-- in fact, some of them are good. I am saying, though, that you know one when you hear one. This is no plaintive Robert Plant wail about how "a woman done him wrong." No, this is a story, about a guy, named Mr Bojangles, who gets paid to dance for you even though he's old and that is sad.

Granted, most of these songs are from the 70's and 80's-- maybe there was a "story song" phase going on back then which has since died out. I actually thought I was the only one who called them this, until I did a Google search and found this list. Go figure! There's even some overlap.

Anyway, here are some of my favorites.

1. Mr. Bojangles, as performed by Sammy Davis Jr. (apparently written by Jerry Jeff Walker). Quite possibly the saddest song in the history of time. So filled with pathos, I'm surprised he can even sing it without melting into a puddle of angst. "Silver hair and ragged shirt and baggy pants....he could jump so high, then he'd lightly touch down." Ouch! Stop! It's too sad! Mr. Bojangles is essentially an old alcoholic with no pension and no hope. All he can do is dance the old soft shoe for his supper, even though his arthritic knees will barely hold him up. Mr. Bojangles.....daaance. It hurts!

2. Escape (The Pina Colada Song), by Rupert Holmes. This is the song where the guy is fed up with his woman, so he responds to an ad in the paper looking for the perfect mate, and they have to like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, and then he responds to the ad, and they meet at a bar called O'Malley's, and - surprise!-- just happens to be his same girlfriend that he was tired of, so they have a good laugh and you want to kill yourself. To me, this is the musical equivalent of a gigantic ball of frosting. Once you hear the opening bars of this song, you know you're going to have to sit on down, because this is going to take awhile.

3. Operator, by Jim Croce. This is actually a good song, in my opinion, but you do have to admit that it sticks a little too closely to the narrative, like "OK, now he's getting out his money, now he's telling the operator the story of his life.....let's forget all that, and give me the number if you can find it, so I can call just to tell her I'm fine and to show....." I always pictured the operator on the other end of the line, like "Sir....are you going to place the call or not? I'm not a psychologist. Sir...I'm disconnecting you." I love the end where he goes "you can keep the dime." Thanks!

4. Copacabana-- Barry Manilow. Again, not saying it's not a good song, but by the end you do know an awful lot about Lola, and Rico, and the Copacabana, the hottest club north of Havana. I love how these songs always circle back to the inciting incident of the relationship.....they fell in looooove. I think this one is on the A.V. Club's list too.

5. Rocky Raccoon, by The Beatles. Rocky raccoon | checked into his room | Only to find gideons bible
Rocky had come | equipped with a gun | To shoot off the legs of his rival. No real mystery here-- you pretty much know what the song is about, which to me is the hallmark of a true story song. This song is probably a riff on an American story song, because The Beatles were just cool like that. Some say that this song is a parody of a Bob Dylan song. Did you know that Phish recorded a cover of Rocky Raccoon? Yeah, I didn't care about that either.

6. Cat's in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin's wife. This isn't just a story song. It's a story EPIC. This song covers, like FORTY YEARS of this guy's life-- during the span of one song, you see him as a kid, growing up with an absentee father, going to middle school, having all of his formative experiences, and then-- lo and behold!-- BECOMING an absentee father himself. When you comin home dad, I don't know when-- we'll get together then, DAD. We're gonna have a good time then. Indeed. This song is included on an album called "Verities and Balderdash." Enough said. 

Update:  After I posted this list, I got a few comments from someone named "Amos," who wanted me to get my facts straight.  As far as this song goes, he wanted me to know that it was written by Harry Chapin's wife, about his life on the road and how he never saw his kids, which frankly, is what I thought I was writing.  So, to clear up the confusion, yes-- that's what I meant.  It's about HIM, and that's why it's so ironical.

7. Hotel California, by The Eagles. I'm sure some people think this song is a metaphor for something, but to me it's a song about a guy....on a dark desert highway, cool wind in his hair, blah blah blah. Not that it's not catchy. It is. But it is also very, very literal.

8. Same Auld Lang Syne, by Dan Fogelberg. Don't remember this one? Here, let me refresh your memory:

Met my old lover in the grocery store,
The snow was falling Christmas Eve.
I stole behind her in the frozen foods,
And I touched her on the sleeve.

She didn't recognize the face at first,
But then her eyes flew open wide.
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse,
And we laughed until we cried.

Just the mention of the frozen foods section gets it a place on this list. Pure exposition, this song. I'm surprised he doesn't start talking about how he's "singing in a microphone, a little hungover from last niiiiight." That literal. Stephan has this to say about Dan Fogelberg: "Dan Fogelberg wears ladies underpants. He is the kind of guy who cries when he "makes love." Dan Fogelberg should get a sex change and get it over with, for he is a woman."

9. Don't You Want Me, Baby, by Human League. A "he said, she said" story song. Better than the Odyssey, really. "I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar!" "No you weren't!"

10. Splish Splash, by Bobby Darin. He's taking a bath, ok? He's in the bath. Then he gets of the bath, puts his towel on, and discovers there's a party goin' on in his house. That's all there is to it, really. Does he have to spell it out for you? Well, apparently he does.

11. Ziggy Stardust, by David Bowie. This is a special bonus story song, because while I'm sure it's a story, I'm not sure what the story is about exactly. Spiders from Mars, playing guitar left handed....it SEEMS like a narrative, but it's so far in the depths of David Bowie's mind, you'd need a decoder ring and some Cliff Notes to find your way out of there. Great song, though.

Stephan also wants me to include some songs by this guy, Red Sovine.  This are less real songs and more of an old guy with a geetar, just talkin' about a dawg named Little Joe, and how Little Joe saved him from a burning big rig, and how a crippled kid named Teddy Bear gets lonely and it helps to talk over the CB radio .   

And with that....have a nice weekend!

Also, Mischa Barton is a Bad Actress

We went out of town for a few days to attend Stephan's Grammie's 100th birthday party and so I could prepare my cranium for National Novel Writing Month, so I haven't been around much to think of an appropriately witty retort to the "Mischa-gate" controversy of last week.   

You know, the great thing about free speech is that here on my little corner of the Internet, I can say whatever I want, including the fact that I think Mischa Barton was stupid for quitting The O.C. before it ended, and also, the fact that I might have erroneously left out, that I think she is a terrible actress, and that she was lucky to even get that job.  I mean, so bad that it made me not even want to watch that show.  That girl is a classic case of "pretty, but terrible actress," and you could tell they were giving her acting lessons during the show but she still wasn't getting any more natural. 

Watch the Mischa Barton Fan Club start a thread in their forum about how much they don't like me.

Celebrity Smug

Top Ten Most Smug Celebrities

I started this list after seeing this photo of Elizabeth Hasselbeck that made me, for some reason, want to punch her in the face. It’s not that I’m usually the violent type—it’s just something about that woman that makes me want to hit. I added her to my list of “the world’s most smug celebrities”—a list I will share with you now.

By smug, of course, I mean that these are the people who do NOT seem down to earth, like they’d be your friend if they weren’t a famous person. These are the people who, if you ran into them, would seriously be like “Hi—I’m better than you.” I think this kind of attitude is very wrong, since basically these guys just have a job that pays a little more than yours and is a little bit higher exposure. And while I get the whole “need for security against the paparazzi” and “want to have their own private lives” thing, I think there is a way to handle this, and I don’t think it has to do with telling people what to do, and smiling like you’re better than everyone.  Over the weekend, someone mentioned adding Al Gore to this list because of that way he has of talking, like he’s condescending to you, but I don’t find that to be true about him—and hey, he did just win the Nobel Prize, so maybe he knows something.

Top Ten Smug Celebrities

# 1 & # 2 Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Just…..so…..smug. Everything about them says “we’re better than you! We’re rich and you’re not!” Sarah Vowell had this great quote in one of her essays about how it would never even occur to Michael Douglas even play a poor person in a movie. Both of them seem like they’ve had a huge amount of plastic surgery, but they’re going to insist that they just look that good. Also, I completely believe the rumor that she’s at least 10 years older than she admits to being. Just….come on.

 

# 3 Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Not only is she a Republican, she’s like a housewife from the 1950’s. She was on Survivor for five minutes, then got married to a football player, immediately changed her name, and soon will have two little kids—and she’s not even thirty. This look on her face says it all—“I have everything figured out. My values are in place. It's what women are SUPPOSED to do.....I’m better than you.” Women like this set the women’s movement back. 

# 4 Anne Coulter. She’s probably doing this whole “I’m a flaming conservative” thing on purpose, and probably the best way for me to make her go away is to just ignore her. But…she bugs me. She says inflammatory stuff just so she’ll get press, and this is the opposite of making the world a better place. She just has this look on her face like she’s about to tell you how wrong and stupid you are, and that pisses me off.  I can't put up her picture, because....I just can't. 

# 5 Tom Cruise. I hate to put him on this list, because a) Katie Holmes is my best friend, and b) I really liked him in Jerry Maguire, but Tom Cruise really thinks he knows how to live your life better than you do. The whole anti-depressant thing really turned me off—like, why is this his business? Actually, I think it’s just that he’s so vocal about Scientology now. I really feel like religion should be your own private business, even if it’s really helped you live your own life better. Good for you, but the minute you go trying to tell other people what to do, then you’re on the smug list. I will say, though, that he and Katie Holmes (my best friend) seem like they have a very nice relationship, and that Suri Cruise is just precious and seems like a well-raised child. See? I can say nice things about smug people.

# 6 Simon Cowell. Again, I think he’s doing this on purpose, as a brand, but sometimes he seems to enjoy insulting those kids on American Idol a little too much. When I see clips of him on “The Soup,” I just find myself wanting someone to give him Rohypnol, take him to a casino, and make him bet his entire fortune on unlucky hands of blackjack, just so he’ll be humbled and have to work his way back up.  I really respect him as a businessman and entrepreneur-- I just think he goes a little too far with the "mean guy" persona. 

# 7 Martha Stewart. She used to be # 1 until she went to jail and knitted that poncho, then I decided to give her a break. But, to this day, she seems like she would come into your house that you just cleaned, look around slowly, and just sigh.  Her demeanor says to me “Oh—do you not know how to make a crisp onion tartlet and put it on a plate garnished with a gingham napkin and a sprig of paprika that you grew yourself?  Then you might as well kill yourself. And that’s a good thing.”

# 8 George Bush. I didn’t want this list to be all about this, but just….my God. This guy has seriously never been to a grocery store or pumped his own gas, but he puts on this “aw shucks good ol’ boy façade,” and it totally fools everyone. He’s a rich kid frat boy who has always been able to do whatever he wants, and now he’s doing just that, on a larger scale, with real people’s lives. Get it straight—he doesn’t care about you, or your kids, or maybe anything. He’s just a schoolyard bully who thinks he’s better than you, and can do whatever he wants. And for some reason, the American public has agreed with him for eight years. Yikes. That little grin on his face means he knows what’s best for you, so just keep goin’ to work, and doin’ his biddin’ for him, ya hear? Guess what? He hates you.  No picture on this one.  No no no!

# 9 Donald Trump. Does it on purpose, so you kind of have to respect it because it’s part of his brand. But….did you ever see this picture of him with his supermodel wife, holding one of his kids? He totally looks like “yeah—that’s right. I have money and you don’t. Suck it.”



# 10 Jennifer Lopez. She is bugging me less now that she married Marc Anthony, who she clearly must love, because while he’s got a killer voice, he looks like the Cryptkeeper. Still, the whole “stonewalling the press about your obvious pregnancy” thing is just ridiculous to me. Jennifer Lopez worked her way all the way up the celebrity ladder with mediocre singing, dancing, and acting abilities, on the sheer force of an ambition so naked, early photos of her practically scream “I’ll do anything for fame!” Now she gets there, and she’s all about her privacy. Respect her privacy! She wants privacy now! Don’t ask about her baby! You’re insulting her! I get celebrities who want to just have their baby in private, so they just stay out of the spotlight for a year or so (Jodie Foster, etc). But….to be giving a ton of press for your concert and new album, so to essentially put yourself out there for public consumption, then to be a complete bitch to everyone who asks about your totally obvious condition? Smug. Smugly. “Buy my shit, but I don’t want to tell you anything about myself” smug.

# 11 Barbra Streisand.  She should be further up on the list because of her insane smugitude, but I'd already numbered the entries, she's down here.  I have a good friend who is a Streisand fanatic, and even SHE was turned off by Babs' condescending political rant during her shows, which my friend paid, like $500 each for tickets to see.  Apparently the rant was rehearsed, right down to when Babs sat down on her little chair and spoke about what's wrong with the government.  As Stephan says "Barbra Streisand makes me ashamed to be a liberal."

# 12 Alex Trebec.  Ashley put this one in, and I have to agree. Trebec is just SO condescending when the people on Jeopardy! get the answers wrong, you want to shake him and go "YOU HAVE THE ANSWERS ON NOTECARDS, YOU BASTARD."  It also bugs me when he overpronounces the French words in the answers so that you'll know he's French-Canadian.

Throwing it all away.....

This is a continuation of yesterday's post, where I was talking about people who are grateful to have their jobs.  This is the other side of the spectrum-- the kids who are five minutes from losing everything, and are just going to have to learn their lessons, then end up coming back again when they can be grateful.  Because for me, this whole topic boils down to gratitude.  Get the door slammed in your face enough times, and the very moment it opens, you are IN, and you never want to pry that thing back open. 

These are the people who don't even know there IS a door yet, have waltzed right in, and have had everything handed to them, only to throw it away.  I think when this happens to you, you end up becoming so jaded that you, for instance, camp out in the dressing room of Neiman Marcus, saying things like "Can we have my dog messengered over?" 

Sadly, these people need time and perspective to learn the error of their ways.  And by the time they get that, they'll probably be irrelevant.  If what yesterday's group had in common was an amazing defiance of the Odds of Hollywood and an appreciation for what they've got, these guys have "too much, too soon" syndrome.  This is how Whitney Houston goes from being the next Aretha Franklin to being a segment on "The Soup."

1.  Lindsay Lohan -- needs to go to college and eat Ramen noodles.  She has lost all of her perspective.

2. Britney Spears.  Seriously?   I know it's mean to kick someone when they're down, but....seriously?

3.  Winehouse.  If she's not dead by the magical Dead Musician Age of 27, I'll eat a bug.

4.  Mischa Barton from The O.C.  -- quit before the show ended, to do movies.  Now just unemployed.

5.  Joss Stone.  I know, everyone thinks she's so level headed, but did you read this?  Oh yeah, she's going full speed down Irrelevance Road if she keeps up that crappy attitude.

6.  Michael Vick.  It really would have been better if he'd had a HUMAN fighting ring at his house.  Because...animal cruelty?  Those PETA people are never going to let up now.  It's too bad, too, because he's a really good quarterback.

7.  Michelle Rodriguez.  She's not even on LOST anymore, and she's going to jail for violating the terms of her DUI.  Plucked out of obscurity for Girl Fight, only to return to obscurity....in the Los Angeles County Correctional system.

8.  Nathaniel Marston, who you might not have heard of yet, and who you probably never will, because he's about to be fired from One Life to Live after ATTACKING THREE PEOPLE WITH A CRATE in New York the other day.   Some really famous people got their start on soaps (Julianne Moore, Kelly Ripa, Josh Duhamel from Las Vegas, to name a few), but I GUARANTEE none of them attacked people with a crate. Smooth.

9.  Pete Doherty, who frankly I had never heard of before he was a bad influence on Kate Moss.  That guy looks like he smells like feet, and is moments away from his fatal overdose.

Planted like the mighty oak.....

OK, so Amy Winehouse is a total mess-- has amazing talent, but can't stay off the drugs.  Same thing with Lindsay, Britney, and whatever other self-sabotaging idiot that's in the headlines this week.  I'm even going to put Michael Vick in this category, because running a dog fighting ring at the height of your multi-million dollar quarterbacking career with the Atlanta Falcons?  Stupid.  Same thing with drinking and driving , showing up late to work, or quitting a show or a movie because you think you can do better.  I'm just pointing this out because, um, it's HARD to get to the top of the mountain, and it's just amazing to watch people totally throw it all away because they just don't know any better. 

On the other end of the spectrum, you'll find a smattering of people like Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights.  This is Chandler's first big series since 1996, unless you count his big "Gray's Anatomy" storyline.  I don't know him, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you'd have to kill that guy to get him to leave that show.  He's 42 years old, and he is not.  Fooling.  Around.  He's been waiting so long and has had so many no-name acting jobs, he's probably early to work every day, like "How much press do you need me to do?  NO PROBLEM, man!"  He'd probably help with the lights if they asked him to.

I guess the point I'm making here is that success in your teens/ twenties can be hazardous to your health, AND your career.  It's a sad irony that, while youth and beauty are really the commodities that are most integral to the making of a superstar, few if any of them have the temperment to have a (more than) full time job, and to maintain their composure when put under that kind of pressure.

It is in honor of Kyle Chandler and everyone else who never gave up that I give you:

Nine People Who Are Never.  Going.  Anywhere.  Planted in the ground like the mighty oak.  Been around the block, never going back.

1.  Vanessa Williams on Ugly Betty.  Remember the Miss America scandal?  No?  Well, Vanessa Williams does. 

2.  Naomi Watts. Do you know how long it took her to get that Mulholland Drive role?  How much do we imagine it sucked to be Nicole Kidman's best friend for thirteen years while she married Tom Cruise and was the biggest star in the world?   I'm guessing she's never complained about long hours on a movie set or an early call time.

3.  David Caruso on CSI:  Miami.  Remember when he quit NYPD Blue to make movies like Kiss of Death and Jade?  Oh, you don't like his weird acting style?  Well, he doesn't give a shit.  He's employed, dude.  You'd need a tow truck and a winch to get him away from that show.

4.  Alyssa Milano. Laugh if you will, but that woman is 34 years old, and has been employed almost continuously since 1984.  Yeah, that's not a typo.  That's almost 24 years of work!  If she worked at G.E., she'd get a gold watch and a pension!   Also, she was an Executive Producer of Charmed, and is getting a gazillion dollars from DVD sales and syndication, and designs clothes.  Damn!

5.  Kyle Chandler.  See above.

6.  Kathyrn Morris from Cold Case.  Because it took her 14 years to get that job, I hate to say it, but I can kind of understand why she doesn't eat.  Did I mention how totally skinny she was at the Emmys?

7.  Jaime Pressley.  Again, she worked so long to get "My Name is Earl," you can hardly blame her for
losing her baby weight in eight weeks because (not making up this quote), "I don't want to lose my job!!" 

8.  All those ladies on Desperate Housewives.  You are actually more likely to be killed by a sniper than be hired on a series if you're a woman over 40 in Hollywood.  I know there are some rumors about how it's all drama on that set because they're all divas and stuff, but I think this is PR hype.  They may not get along, but I think you'd have to run over one of them with a truck to get them to quit.

9.  Sally Field on Brothers & Sisters.  See above.

Tomorrow's list:  Top Ten People who are blowing away like the wind, possibly to resurface in twenty years.....

High School Musical-- I Don't Get It

Am I the last person in  America who doesn’t get the whole “High School Musical” thing? I’m coming to the conclusion that the “High School Musical” is being marketed to people who aren’t in high school and who therefore don't have any pre-conceived notions about it, is that right? That “tweens” are the target market for this franchise? Because I thought I had “high school kids” firmly in my mind as being the cell-phone using, tattoo-having, Starbucks-drinking types of youth who would never, EVER subscribe to a concept as blatantly unironic as a high school where everyone sings and feels good about themselves all the time.

The fact that this was the # 1 movie in America last weekend clearly shows that there is some high demand for this, but I thought we as a nation were well past the age of syrupy sentiment and idealistic high school situations like “Grease.” Because, when you think about it, high school is the one place that you could not want to get out of MORE once you’re in it (unless, of course, you’re a person for whom high school was the best time of your life, and if you’re that person, I really, really doubt you’re reading this blog).

In fact, I was thinking about this the other day—I think if you offered me one million dollars to travel back in time and re-live my high school years again, I think I could pretty confidently turn that down. Isn’t hating high school the thing to do? And, if so, doesn’t that make “High School Musical” an unlikely concept, and an even unlikelier success?

This must mean that the market for “High School Musical” consists solely of people who haven’t BEEN to high school yet, and therefore think it’s conceivable that there could be singing and dancing, and that there wouldn’t be a clique of loathsome jocks and cheerleaders whose sole purpose it is to make everyone feel bad about themselves, but who, don’t worry, are assuredly going to be fat by your high school reunion, so let them have their moment in the sun, because in twenty years they’re going to be drunk and bringing photo albums of themselves when they were in cheerleading to the reception after the reunion, and drunkenly pointing to old pictures and going “Look how skinny I was!”, as if trying to desperately escape the present and will themselves back to a sliver of time when they were thin and happy.

I’m not saying that really happened at my high school reunion, only you know it did. So, I guess let them have their “High School Musical,” because for me, the REAL musical-worthy stuff started right around the time of the ten year reunion, when the wheel of karma starts to come around, and when a former football star who called me ugly in the seventh grade gets drunk and tries to hit on me.   And of course, by "musical-worthy," I mean in like a satirical, Avenue Q/ The Producers kind of way, where the world has righted itself, and the geeks and the people who were really into things like theater and liked The Smiths and thought for themselves are now cool, and the cheerleaders are now fat.

Oh yes--yes I did.

Wow, wonder what this guy believes in....

So, I'm a liberal (not a freaky liberal, but I definitely have some democratic-leaning-toward-liberal) ideas.  And, that's probably all you're ever going to know, because I really think it's uncivilized to be all up in people's grills about your political beliefs.  If you're the one person left in the world who doesn't know that people get uncomfortable when you try to push your politics on them, then there.  I just said it.  PEOPLE GET UNCOMFORTABLE.  Dude, I have a blog that people actually READ, and still, you don't see me pushing political agendas.  Because it's a free country, and I respect your right to believe whatever you want to believe.  Oh and also, because life is too short, and I really don't think you should sit around obsessing about stuff you can't control.

For that reason, it totally bugs me when people do this:

I didn't even SEE this person, and already I know I won't like them. Like, ok-- you drive a Prius, good for you.  But, FIFTEEN bumper stickers?  Good God.  Not only is this defacing a perfectly fine paint job on this car, but this is sort of the driving around equivalent of the "in your face at the dinner table" guy, isn't it?  Like, I'm sitting behind you in traffic-- what do you want me to do about all these things you believe in?  You are probably not going to change my mind about the world just because you've plastered your personal beliefs all over the outside of your car.

I just think it's pushy, that's all.  I showed this picture to Steph, and he said "I bet that person smells like Patchouli."

I think we are going to start our own political party, called the 'Leave Me Alone- Atarians.'  The only premise of this party is that everyone should leave each other alone about their politics, and no one should ever go out in sweatpants and talk on their cellphones too loud in public.  Because I think slovenliness and lack of manners on cellphones are two of the indicators of the decline of civilization. 

I am only partially kidding. 

They Solicited Me, So I'm Allowed to Mock Them.

A few days ago when I got home, there were two women knocking on the door of the house next door to mine. Now, I know for a fact that the woman who lives next door died two years ago and that now, her son-in-law uses the back yard as an organic garden/ ranchero music blasting hangout spot for himself and 1,000 of his closest friends, but that no one actually lives there, so I called over the fence “Excuse me—were you looking for someone? Because no one lives in that house.” Because I was trying to be nice, you see? I thought maybe they were looking for someone and had the wrong address. Or—I don’t know what I thought. I thought they probably didn’t know that woman died, maybe.

Anyhow, they weren’t lost. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses. When they realized that it w as too late to convert my now-deceased neighbor, they pulled out a pamphlet and started toward me.

One of them said “Thank you so much for letting us know no one lives there—now, are YOU interested in hearing about a world where there’s no more suffering?”   

I don’t really go on for the whole “tell your religion to total strangers” thing, so the look on my face probably approximated the look when I tried Roastaroma!. I thought it was a little odd that they were selling their religion door to door like insurance, but I basically just said “Um, thanks—I’m fine with my afterlife choices” or something weird like that, and they thanked me for my time and left. I did take the pamphlet, though, because it looked like it was going to be hilarious, and of course, it was.

Two things:

1. These ladies were so totally lucky that Stephan wasn’t home when they came      by. Whereas I feel like it’s maybe okay if people want their religion to include door-to-door recruitment (as    long as I’m allowed to say no), Steph does not agree, and probably would      have told them so. I know this   because later, when I told him about the Jehovah’s witnesses, his head      turned red and he said some things about how people should mind their own Goddamned business, especially Christians, because wasn’t organized religion the cause of most of the problems in the world? I’m sure those ladies were glad that they didn’t have to engage my husband in a whole “dialectic of world religion” throwdown right there in the driveway, because he totally would  have won.  He's really thought this stuff out.

2. I am so amused to see, from the pamphlet, the apparently everyone is multi-racial in the afterlife, and there is a sacred moose, a white pony, and a big giant Great Dane looking thing. Or maybe that’s an animal they only have in the afterlife. So many questions about the      afterlife. Also, does everyone get to live in the Afterlife Log Cabin, or is that the rec hall or something? This picture is so bucolic—like, are we going to be making lanyards in the afterlife? Should I let someone know now that I don’t really like pumpkin? Because it seems like there is a bounty of gourd fruit in the afterlife, and I want to make sure I have enough to eat for all eternity other than a basket of apples.

3. Did the Roastaroma! people call the Jehovah’s witnesses and compare notes? Because I notice that they, too, are totally overusing the exclamation points. Though, granted, ALL SUFFERING SOON TO END! really does sound like a statement for which an exclamation point would be mandated, doesn’t it?

So, the extent of what I know about this religion is basically limited to this amusing pamphlet, and these two girls that I was in grammar school with, who could never participate in birthday or Christmas parties at school, because apparently Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate stuff like that because, I don’t know, they’re saving all their partying up for the Great Rec Room/ Cabin in the Sky.

 All I know is, if I’d given up birthday cake and Christmas my whole life, then I got to the afterlife and all that was there was gourd fruit and apples, I’d be pissed.

PS  Speaking of Roastaroma!, I gave the rest of the box to my friend's nanny, and no joke, she LOVES it.  She was like "I have it twice a day now-- it's so good!"  I was tempted to go "Did you make the face?  The Roastaroma! face?  The face that you think is never going to go back to your normal face?"

Things That Smell: A Summer List

After that exceedingly popular post about how much I don't want to have children, I sat down last night trying to think of an entertaining list for mid-week.   I was struggling to find a theme, and finally settled on "stuff that smells" in honor of summer, the very stinkiest of all the months (in New York City, at least, where I first noticed this).  I had about half of the post written, and was intending to finish this evening, when this afternoon I was exposed to probably the foulest-smelling thing there is:  baby puke. 

How did I even get in the way of baby puke, you might wonder, after just days ago I swore to be so vehemently anti-child?  Well, I went up today to take Maddie out for a walk in her stroller, since her mom (my friend) is a single mom, which means she probably hasn't shaved her legs in like, oh, 15 months or so.  So, clearly it was altruism that got me into this mess.

Anyhoo, thinking I'm doing a good deed for my friend, I put sunscreen on my darling Maddie, put her in her stroller, and pushed her all the way down to Wild Oats on 15th, where I picked up some groceries for my friend and some decaf, organic, water-filtered coffee for myself (yeah, day 16 of no caffiene-- the headache is gone, and now I'm just annoyed that I can't have a latte).  Everything was actually going fine, and I was actually surprising myself with how well I was handling the giant stroller and all the stuff.  Of course, Maddie was asleep the whole time, so maybe I'm giving myself too much credit.   Or maybe I GAVE myself too much credit, which is what makes what happened next all that much more "dramatically ironical."  Or maybe-- just maybe-- Maddie actually knows how to read, and was angry and trying to get me back for Monday's anti-kid post. 

As I was packing up the stroller to walk back, she woke up.  Then after she woke up, she threw up.  Then after she threw up, the smell was so bad that I almost threw up, and the guy from Wild Oats went "um-- gross."  Did I mentioned that she had yogurt and hard boiled eggs right before I took her out?  Yeah, I didn't know this either, and I'm sorry that I got the chance to find out.  Because seriously, the smell of that was worse than any random "city stink" I ever encountered in New York. 

It was right then that I realized that I was the grownup in this scenario.  Good Lord.

Those who know me know just how much I hate vomit, and so will be surprised to learn that instead of freaking out and just giving the baby to the guy behind the checkout counter at Wild Oats and running away, I actually cleaned her off with napkins, then high-tailed it back in the direction of my friend's house.  Did I mention that I had to do the  "New York homeless  guy exhale/ inhale," which is when you see someone you know is going to be ripe, so you exhale deeply, inhale a lungfull of non-stinky air, then hold it until the threat has passed" for 12 blocks?  This strategy also works for picking up dog poop.  Did I mention that I was downwind of the baby the whole way home?  What about the fact that she puked AGAIN after I cleaned her off?  Does this amuse you?  Yes, I bet it does.  I'm sure the mental picture of me pushing a stroller while trying to avoid the putrid scent of hard boiled egg and yogurt baby puke is the funniest thing you've heard today.

Long story long, I made it back to my friend's house without dropping dead, and Maddie was absolutely fine, like nothing ever happened, even though she was covered in barf. 

Also, I thought my friend was going to barf when she saw the stroller.  But dude-- I cleaned the kid, and I even changed her clothes.  I could not.  Be expected.  To scrub barf out of the stroller.  I'm the child's Godmother, not the Pope. 

And so, with that lovely mental picture filling your mind, I leave you with a few other things that smell, in honor of summer:

 

1.  This Teddy Bear.  This is the teddy bear/ mascot of the rehearsal space where my Steph plays music.  Notice that the bear is not only covered in grime, but is a little moldy in areas.  Yes, the bear smells.  Not as bad as baby barf, but still stinky.  We have no idea why someone doesn't just throw him away, but eventually I guess he'll turn into a black bear. 

2.  Amy Winehouse.  I am sorry-- I really love her music, but has no one noticed that this girl needs a bath?    She totally looks like she smells like b.o. and cigarette breath.  How does she wash that hair?   She has a great sound, but she's going to die of rickets if she doesn't eat something and wash herself.  Good Lord.

3. My clothes from today, which I seriously wouldn't even allow to share the same hamper with the other clothes.  The only reason they're not already washed is because I just did laundry yesterday, and as we all know from "An Inconvenient Truth," it's bad to run the laundry half-full.  Because that's just what I need-- baby puke on my clothes AND an increased carbon footprint for the day.

4.  The people on the New York City Subway platform.  I was just thinking about this yesterday, when I noticed that the temperature in New York had exceeded that of Los Angeles.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE New York, but there are some times in that city where the people just smell.  I don't mean homeless people-- I mean regular, on their way to work people who are being crushed by 87 degree temperatures with 85 % humidity.  I want to live in New York again, but not during July and August.  People are mean when it's that hot and they smell that bad.

On a totally different, non stink-related note, we close escrow on the 19th.  I have been reluctant to mention it because I am like the Runaway Bride of escrow-- like, I totally expect something to go terribly wrong the minute I say something, such as a "closet full of toxic waste" or a "sudden earthquake, destroying my new house."   I mean, to the point where the "home inspector" guy two weeks ago was one of those guys who makes alot of puns, and right in the middle of a pun, I literally looked at this fifty year old guy and said "Sir, I need you to focus up here.  This is the biggest purchase of my adult life, and I'd appreciate it if you were serious."

So yeah, I'm a ton of fun.  I feel like I just want escrow to be over, and then I will be able to talk about it.

Only if I Can Go Home....

A few months ago at a little-kid birthday party held at a bowling alley, where 25 (or 10,000) 6 year olds, high on sugar, created a decibel level heretofore unknown to man and began to run around the adults in a circle.  I was scared.  Frightened for my life!  They could have turned on us at any time!  At a certain point, I turned to one of the parents and said "I think my tubes just tied themselves."  All the parents in the room thought this was extremely funny, and in fact, at a similar gathering on Saturday, someone who wasn't even at the first party came up to me and said "oh-- you're the 'my tubes just tied themselves' person, right?  That's funny." 

So, that's cool.  Now I'm known among my friends for being brazenly childless and for making jokes about tubal ligation.  Honestly, I can't think of a job that sounds harder or more terrifying than "Stay At Home Mom."

Alot (like, all) of my friends have kids, and since I've been married almost 9 years and am not getting any younger, people are always asking me when (not if) I'm having kids.  Well, I can say with some certainty, I guess my heart is made of stone and ice runs through my veins, because I just.  Don't.  Have the urge.  Sorry.  No biological clock, no "me taking my baby dolls around with me when I was a kid," nothing.  Zip.  When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a grownup, and now I am, and I LOVE IT.  I don't want to have to cater to someone else's needs all the time.   I want a house that's full of white stuff, modern art, and sharp edges.  I'm not saying they're not cute. They're cute!  I just wouldn't want to have one, take one home with me, or get up in the middle of the night to change one's diapers.   In fact, if you'll click above, you can see a close-up shot of my God-daughter making a mural out of vanilla yogurt.  I will clean this kind of thing up, but only if I can go home and rest after. 

I think my friends and family understand this (or have just given up), but you would be surprised at the amount of flak I get from strangers, who, when they find out that I'm married and ABLE to have kids (presumably-- I have never even tried), why I wouldn't just go ahead and do it.  "There's never a good time!" they say.  "You'll experience a love like no other," they say.  I'm sure this is all true, and I respect their opinions, even if they are TOTALLY unsolicited (and frankly, a little judgmental).  Like, aren't there enough people in the world without me doing something I clearly don't want to do? 

Luckily, I am surrounded by people who are more than happy to loan their children to me for the day, or to let me come visit them.  And I'm fairly certain that our status as "cool Auntie and Uncle" is cemented, since our house is filled with Pixar movies and candy (that we have for ourselves), so I'm sure one of these kids is eventually going to come live with us, or at least housesit for us for an extended period. 

We have one ONE other couple who shares a similar distaste for having children--Alan and Jenn in San Francisco.  Get this?  Jenn WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT.  Actually, I shouldn't say that-- I think there are some people in the "have children" group who wish they didn't, and a few married (or coupled) types, one of whom is holding out because they don't want to (all are experiencing relationship distress about this important issue).  Oh, and at least one "surprise" for a couple who seriously wouldn't have even entertained the idea had it not snuck up on them like that.

Yogurt mural, anyone? 

Things That I Will Never Do Again....

OK, here's my officially weekly post-thing, which I have been working on all week, just for you.  Special thanks to Stephan, Jim Cox, and Jim Maloy for their contributions.  Also, thanks to a tattoo removal shop called "Dr. Tattoff," for being the funniest thing I saw out of my car window all week.  Was his name ALREADY Dr. Tattoff, before he decided to do laser tat removal?  Such a mystery.

Things That I Will Never Do Again, Now That I Am in My Thirties.

You know that expression "live and learn"?  Well, I've finally decided that aging IS useful for something-- namely, that there are certain things I am 100% sure I will never do again, because now I know better.
Now that I'm in my thirties, have some degree of professional success, and am confident enough, I am pretty sure I am never going to do the following:

1.  Take a red-eye flight.  Just a matter of preference, but anymore I find that if I book a red-eye flight, thinking "Hey, think of the time and money I'll save!," all I'm supposedly saving is lost when I end up hysterical from lack of sleep, unable to go and do whatever it was I was flying there for in the first place.  The last time I took a red-eye, I fell asleep on the floor of the Guggenheim during a screening of Matthew Barney's "The Cremaster Cycle," and almost had a heart attack when I woke up and didn't know where I was.  So, that's what I'm talkin' about.

2.  Pick you up at the airport.  Yeah, unless you're family, we're all old enough-- you can take a cab.  I'm not waiting in horrendous traffic to pick you up from LAX, or (Heaven Forbid) Long Beach or Ontario airports.  Nope.  It's not that I won't be happy to see you when you get here.  I'm just not in college anymore, and I can't be waiting in 90 minutes of dead-stopped traffic on the 405 going South at 4:45 pm, just to save you 20 bucks.

3.  Shop at Mervyn's.  I don't care if they have really, really good deals on Ralph Lauren sheets. Mervyn's smells like feet, and always has.  And now that I don't have to go in there anymore, I won't.

4.  Wait until my brakes start making that grindy noise before I replace them.  That's just common sense.    Come to think of it, I probably wouldn't drive around in a car I knew had a mechanical problem, which is something I did ALL THE TIME in my twenties.  In fact, when I was 18 I had a car that made a slight "clong" noise every time I stopped.  This is not something I would tolerate now, but back then I recall many a stoney college student conversation, based on the clong.

5.  Pull an all-nighter, and by that I mean, I'm going home at 1am, period.  In case you're in college and you don't know this, NOTHING you learn at 4am is going to stick anyway.  Just go to bed, and try to cheat off of someone maybe.  Oh, and let me caution against waiting until the last minute to write your magnum opus for literature class.  I was the TA for several of these types of classes while in grad school, and I could always tell in the FIRST PARAGRAPH who had written their final paper at the very last minute, two hours from dawn, after four Red Bulls. 

6.  Attend Burning Man. This is not an age issue.  I just will not go to Burning Man.  Too loud, too noisy!

7.  Share a hotel room with someone, unless I am married to that person.  This also goes for apartments.  Too old.  Too much stuff.

8.  Attend a general admission show.  If you don't have a pl