Funny Strange is Lori Culwell's blog

The Sting.

Maybe you noticed yesterday on my Facebook page that I had "Lori Culwell is involved in a sting operation" as my status, and maybe you asked about it, and maybe.....I can describe it to you.  Because, what the heck, it's September 11, and aside from being Gibson's birthday (happy birthday, Gibson!), we all need something to take our mind off of the obvious depressing-itude of the day, right?

OK, here's how "The Sting" goes.  Tuesday, Stephan is at Trader Joe's, and his credit card gets rejected.  Now, I'm sure you know that I am mentally ill when it comes to paying the bills, so there's no way one of our cards is getting rejected unless something has gone terribly wrong somewhere.

So-- I call the credit card company, and get this!  Someone used his credit card number to do some fradulent things, so they shut it down.    Whatever, that's the credit card company's job, that happens all the time-- criminals are always using technology to generate random numbers that they then try to use to buy things, and sometimes they get as far as a real number, but no expiration date or security code, which tips off the credit card, and that's the system they have in place.  The lady from the credit card company actually told me they get so many of these cases that they don't even prosecute, blah blah blah. 

Then she said something she probably should not have said to me, because you know, I write this blog, and I wonder about these sorts of things.  She says "hey, we have the numbers of the places where they tried to use the credit card....do you want them?  You could do some investigating, and let us know what you find out."

So, of course I say yes, because I think I'm Lestor Freamon from "The Wire," and I go about conducting my own investigation into who it might have been who tried to use the credit card number.  This is what I find out:

First stop:  credit card fraud guy tries to use credit card to open a Netflix account.  Because yeah, recurring billing is a good way to go when you have a credit card number that's GUARANTEED to be shut down as soon as the people realize you're using it.  Netflix doesn't even have a number for this, because they denied the transaction based on the fact that the expiration date didn't match.

Next up:  credit card fraud guy tries to register for (I like this) a CONFERENCE ON INTERNET SECURITY.  Because, guess what?  He's the kind of criminal who likes to do his homework.  He doesn't get very far, though, because he tries to use Paypal with his fradulent credit card number, and they turn him down.  They also don't have his number, because they don't capture denied registrations.  I'm not even going to mention how much this attempted charge was for, because it's just RIDICULOUS, and I don't want to embarrass credit card fraud guy.

Finally (this one is my favorite):  credit card fraud guy calls random California newspaper and PRETENDS TO BE DEAF, so he can read the credit card number over the TTY machine.  I like this little detail because it's just so weird, I could never even have made it up.  He's trying to place a "dogs for sale" ad, possibly pit bulls.    But--- eureka!  The newspaper people KEPT ALL HIS INFORMATION.  So, they're sending it to me, and that's where the sting comes in.

I can't say too much more on the advice of my attorney (just kidding, it's my friend from high school), but just as soon as I know more, you know I'll be posting it here for your amusement.   Suffice it to say the sting involves me pretending to try to buy a pit bull. 

More Chaos in the Skies!

This story made me laugh out loud:  apparently one of the members of Menudo got kicked off a Delta flight on the 4th of July for refusing to stow his iPod.

Now, this story is just strange.  First of all, MENUDO STILL EXISTS?  What what what?   Did I somehow flash back to the 1980's?   I think not-- I read that this Menudo member was 18 years old, which leads me to believe that they might have re-formed.  Or maybe-- just maybe-- Menudo has never stopped performing.  They've just been replacing the aged-out band members with newer, younger versions this whole time.  Brilliant!  Why didn't the managers of New Kids on the Block, the Backstreet Boys, or N'Sync think of that?  It's just like the Lassie franchise-- when one Lassie would die, they wouldn't even stop production-- they would just have some backup Lassies waiting in the wings to take over, all trained up and ready to go.  Some of them were boys, some girls, who gives a crap?  They were all named Lassie.    I'm just saying, maybe that's what's been going on with Menudo.  Something to think about, at least.

Secondly-- WHO STOWS AN IPOD?  Or better yet, who asks someone to stow an iPod?  Last time I checked, you just turn your iPod off and like, put it in your pocket or your bag until that "electronic devices are ok" beep goes off, right?   An iPod doesn't need stowing, it's not big enough to stow, and it's probably going to get lost if you put it in the overhead bin.  So, this is the part of the story I'm doubting.    That sounds either like one of those totally arbitrary rules that a flight attendant would make up just to have power over a semi-famous kid because they're having a crappy day anyway, OR like he or she was messing with him because he was acting like a jerk, which made him act like more of a jerk, which got him thrown off the plane.  The story kind of sounds like it was the latter, which makes me laugh.  Because you know what?  I'm not in Menudo or anything (yet), but I fly all the time, and not once have I ever been asked to stow my iPod. 

Really, make us an offer!

I guess it's sad that this store down the street from my house is going out of business, but when I pass the ever-growing group of signs hanging on their storefront every day, I have to laugh.

The "no reasonable offer refused" one is what really kills me.  This doesn't even seem to pertain to rugs, or light fixtures, or whatever the hell they're trying to get rid of in there.  No, this is a more over-arching promise, like you could bring them ANY reasonable offer, and they would be powerless to refuse it, as if it were this, the day of their daughter's wedding. 

Today I passed this sign on the way to a hardware store where they had a really incredible amount of lightbulbs.  I only needed two, but I spent so long staring at the amazing selection that this humorless Persian woman who was not thrilled that I brought my dog in her store came over.  "Can I help you?"  she said, through heavily-kohled eyes, and I'm all "Um-- yeah.  Who buys a pink lightbulb?  Why do they make pink lightbulbs?"  Because like, in my mind, it's totally ok to make blue and red lightbulbs for college kids who want to be "outrageous," but pink goes too far.  Pink is the color you'd buy if you owned a brothel, maybe, or if you were Elizabeth Taylor and wanted your interior lighting to highlight your violet eyes.  But, I'm not at all sure pink is a color they should be making standing, do you know what I mean?

"Pink is a very popular color," said the woman.  "We sell alot of those."

I resisted the urge to yell "TO WHO-- STRIP CLUB OWNERS?"  because she spoke again before I could answer.  "People like to soften up their home-- you know, with pink light," like this was the most normal thing in the world.  I then annoyed her even further by purchasing my $ 3 worth of regular-person white lightbulbs and leaving.

Right now, you know she's at the "no reasonable offers refused" guy going "can you smack that girl with the dog for me the next time she walks by?  She really annoyed me today."

Marc Jacobs can kiss my ass

I probably neglected to mention this because of my lingering bitterness on the subject, but my hair salon in New York was recently run out of business by YET ANOTHER Marc Jacobs store in the West Village.  That's, like, FIVE stores, in case you're keeping track.  This totally disrupts my New York ritual of "get a haircut, then go to Magnolia Bakery and eat a cupcake," and for this I am disgruntled, because it's the little things, you know?

Anyhow, I walked by my former hair salon (now a Marc Jacobs store) last week, and there was this huge photo of Marc Jacobs in drag, with a big "HAPPY GAY PRIDE WEEK" or something like that sign, and this made me laugh out loud.  Not because I have anything against pride-- I just think it's super-funny that the gayest store in the gayest district of New York City would even take the time to point out a celebration of gayness.  Because if we're only celebrating gay pride one week out of the year, then someone needs to tell that to all the dildo shop owners on Christopher Street.  And, I'm just saying that since he's taking over the whole neighborhood and is a homosexual himself and is wearing those kicky suede platform heels, you'd think that Marc Jacobs would know this.   I don't know if I'd go so far as to say the Marc Jacobs store was engaging in blatant pandering to their demographic, but you never know. 

And also, I want my hair salon back.

This kind of stuff always happens to me....

OK, you may have heard about this incident already on the news, and we're DEFINITELY going to go into the full, gory details when the podcast returns next week, but in the meantime, I thought I should just inform you that Wednesday, we were on the LA to New York plane where an elderly couple got arrested and taken out in handcuffs, and where they are probably still in LAX jail. 

Do you need a moment to let that sink in? 

Yes, I said "elderly couple."  YES--I SAID HANDCUFFS!  This involved the Federal Marshall revealing his identity, about five cops, and an extremely agitated and loud 70-year old man who picked a fight with a passenger, then took a swing at one of the cops, all because he was unhappy with his seats.   Needless to say, I've boiled it down to its absolute bare bones here, but I didn't want to let another moment go by before posting this extremely blog-worthy event.  Because you know, some people's flights always get delayed, but mine-- oh yeah.  My flights are where the real action is, in case you were thinking about flying somewhere with me.

Now that I've had a chance to absorb this whole experience, I think my favorite part is probably the old guy going "You want to start something, son?"  to a college kid on the plane, then shoving him.  Or maybe it's the old guy's wife, trying to BITE ONE OF THE COPS as he handcuffed her.

See-- it's Friday, so I give you the really good stuff to send you off to the weekend.  :)

Publicity for Publicity's Sake.....Or Something Like That.

Did you see this cover of US Weekly in the grocery store this week?  I couldn't bring myself to buy it, or even open it, because I don't want to put one bit of mental energy toward this "Heidi" person from "The Hills" and her so obviously made-up relationship with that blonde guy.  I mean, I love celebrity gossip, because sometimes it's about talented people who have something to offer the world, but let's be real.  These people are not celebrities.  They're fame-hungry kids who are using the media attention to.....

This is the part I couldn't figure out.  You know, it totally makes sense to have celebrities on magazine covers and in publicity shots, and usually you see them more when they're promoting something.  Case in point:  Liv Tyler is in alot of magazines right now, because her movie "The Strangers" just came out, same thing with Sarah Jessica Parker, Will Smith, Carrie Underwood, and anyone else who has something coming out soon that they want you to buy.  That kind of media manipulation of public attention makes sense.  Those people from "The Hills" baffle me because frankly, they're old enough to have something to sell or promote, and yet most of them don't.  I mean, okay-- Lauren Conrad has some clothing line, right?   And this Heidi person might be a singer.  But really, what they do is get fake publicity, and they're not even good at that. 

I guess what I'm getting at is this-- it's probably ok to go on television and make a quasi-ass out of yourself revealing personal things about your life if you actually have something you're trying to get out there and share with the world.  I mean, we may not all agree with the way marketing works in this country, but that's how it is.  But-- marketing just the person, with nothing behind it just creates an empty cipher, a marketing of the very sign they're marketing.  It's postmodernism at its best, really-- a symbol ultimately referencing nothing.  And in that way I guess I shouldn't object, because Jacques Derrida would have found it amusing, at least.  But he's dead, you see, and not in the grocery store with me.  So, I'll just say-- I don't think reality tv people should be allowed to be on magazine covers or real tv shows unless they've created something to share with the world.  Put that in your ceci n'est pas une pipe and smoke it.

Step Away From the Newborn

Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of People Magazine this week with her brand-new twin babies, and in case you haven't run right out to the newsstand for a closer look, I'll just clear up the mystery for you:  they look like NEWBORNS, okay? 

I'm not going to try to incur your wrath by saying that all newborn babies look the same to me, but....come on.  They kind of do, right?  So squashed and translucent and teeny, you almost can't look at them head-on.  I mean, there is a newborn baby photo of me somewhere in one of my storage boxes, and it's HIDEOUS.  My head is pointed, and I am about seven pounds of pissed-off, red faced, red haired baby.  Thank God that photo's not on a magazine cover, is all I'm saying. 

This leads me to wonder-- what is with this trend, this obsession almost, with seeing the BRAND NEW (like seriously-- BRAND NEW) babies of celebrities?  Don't we all agree that they're much cuter later on, after a waiting period during which they get some hair and their heads get a little more formed?  I mean, I'm as much of a celebrity gossip lover as the next guy, but even I have to draw the line at covers like these, each of which made me scream OUT LOUD when I saw it on the newsstand:

 

Oh my GOD!  Put those babies back in!  They're not done yet!

 

 

Or this cover.  I'm sure this kid is older now and cuter, but how pissed would you be if your supermodel mom put you on the cover of a magazine when you still looked all smashy like this?  Eeeek!

Maybe the real problem with these covers is the pressure the women are obviously feeling to show the world they're "normal" again, very soon after having their babies, and that's another issue altogether.  I'm just surprised that anyone would agree to do this, even for $5 million or whatever they're getting paid these days.   It's just weird to me that after avoiding the paparazzi for nine months while they're pregnant, they'd then want to take their days-old babies to the photographers' studios. 

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to have to go with Tom Cruise on this one.  Remember when he and and my best friend Katie Holmes never showed any pictures of their baby Suri, then finally came out with that Vanity Fair spread?  Who knows what she looked like at first-- all we know is, now she's cute, and we didn't have to see her all teeny like that.

All I'm saying is, let them fully form before we see them, okay?  We can wait.

Eliot Spitzer Transition Period: Things To Do

I know, I know, I haven't been updating!   I've been on the road in New York, New Jersey, and Philadelphia for business, and have been so busy I haven't had time to even post some of the hilarious pictures from my phone.

Since this Eliot Spitzer thing just broke, though, Stephan and I made you this list to tide you over until we get back to L.A. tonight and I can open all my mail, do laundry, and transfer all of my notes into this blog.   This is so sad-- I mean, no matter what side of the fence you're on, I think we all agree that this was a TERRIBLE decision on Spitzer's part, and agree on what a shame it is that this is going to be his legacy instead of some of the great things he accomplished during his career.

That said, we were watching CNN this morning, and when Spitzer said he was resigning effective Monday, March 17, we couldn't stop tossing out funny tidbits about what he might be doing for the next four days.

Top Ten Things Eliot Spitzer is going to do during his "transition" period"

1.  Show Lt. Governor Patterson lunchroom, teach him to use copy machine, tell him who to really call to get your BlackBerry fixed.
2.  Hang head in shame (during office hours).
3.  Change password to porn sites.
4.  Research new, more discreet brothels.
5.  Finally tell off boss-- oh wait, he is the boss.
6.  Not switch back to spreadsheet from Minesweeper game when people come into office.
7.  Jaeger bombs during St. Patrick's Day party on last day of work!  Sweet!
8.  Surf Craigslist for new job listings under "disgraced governors" section.
9.  See if Nevada needs governor.
10. Fuck It.  Two hour lunch.

Dear Internet,

Flu Watch: Day Seven (yes, SEVEN). Still going. Um, isn't the flu supposed to go away in 3 - 10 days? I thought when they said that they were just being conservative. The fever came back last night, so I still haven't had the "24 hour fever free" period that indicates you're done with the flu. What the HELL? I'm almost out of pre-written posts, too. Here's one that was written on Monday night, before I was overtaken by the virus.

An Open Letter to the Internet Is there something you've been hiding from me?  How come you never told me that, instead of listening to me drone on and on, day after day about weird people, and made up words, and jobs I wouldn't want, that what you really wanted to see was GAY VEGETARIAN TOURS OF LOS ANGELES?

Internet, this can be the only reason why traffic to this blog MORE THAN DOUBLED on the day I posted that tour, far surpassing any amount of traffic ever seen here before, setting a personal blog-history record for me, even surpassing that day, that fateful day, when someone over at TMZ ran a piece about a book I wrote that supposedly pissed someone off.   Yes, I'm talking about THAT much traffic, coming to read all about how you can get a massage at a spa, then go to Real Food Daily or Toast, then dance your gay head off with your arms above your head at The Factory. 

Really, internet?  Instead of articles, and websites, and novels, and non-fiction books, and more websites, and theater reviews, and book reviews, and fashion show reviews, what you really wanted me to be writing was GAY VEGETARIAN TOUR GUIDES?

You know what?  I don't even care why they came.  I'm just happy they did.  Check back next week for another fantastic tour!

By the way, I've now watched all of Season One of "The Wire." I get it! It's a good show. I ordered Season Two, just in case my Freak Flu decides to go the whole ten days.

Riddle Me This....

After seeing this picture of Jamie Lynn Spears over the weekend, I started wondering-- why did they even tell anyone she was pregnant?  I think if I were their mom, I would totally have been like "come home, have the baby, and then we'll pretend it's your niece or nephew, or that I (the mom) had a new baby, or whatever.  At this rate, no one would even have noticed, is all I'm saying.  You'd think with the resources that family has, they would have been able to stage an old-style Hollywood coverup.

This reminds me of a totally depressing article I read in People Magazine while I was getting my nails done with my friend in San Francisco (see-- because if I admit I was reading People Magazine and it's NOT in a nail salon, then you'll lose respect for me).  The article was chronicling the lives of, like, five teenagers who had gotten pregnant in high school, and what they were doing now.  I don't know if it was just the journalistic slant the author/ magazine were going for, but I thought it was very telling that the ONE AND ONLY girl who was remotely well-adjusted and happy, and still pursuing any of her dreams was the girl who gave her baby up for adoption.  Her quote was like "adoption is the most amazing thing I've ever done, period."  And now she's free to go on with her life.  The others were, oh my God, pregnant in the seventh grade, dropping out of school, barely getting by working as cashiers at the market and hoping their babies' fathers would still talk to them.  YIIIIKES!  DOUBLE YIKES!

I'm not going to spark up a wad of controversy by suggesting that, perhaps, just because you CAN make a baby, you should go out and do that, and that if you're not smart enough to figure out how to use birth control, maybe you shouldn't be procreating.  Because, you know, this blog isn't the place for that.  But, I think you see my point.  Didn't Jamie Lynn see Juno?

Speaking of the Spears family, did you see this Amy Winehouse performance at the Grammys?  Sha-DAMN, dude.  She's been sober for what-- fifteen minutes?  Someone should call up Britney Spears and tell her THIS is how you do a comeback.