Funny Strange....

Corporate Candy, Cholesterol, and My Grandma

I pulled this advertisement out of the in-flight magazine in the airplane last week-- as you can see it then floated around in my bag for a few days, where it became nice and crumpled, but I still thought it was funny enough to warrant smoothing it out and scanning it.  I don't know what it is about corporate propaganda on candy that I find so insidious-- the one that says "4th quarter Rocked!" kills me.  Spreading the message is one thing-- give me all the corporate marketing you want in places like free pens and stuff I'll get at a trade show and never use, like mousepads and squishy stress-balls shaped like red blood cells.  But-- dude.  Candy?  Is nothing sacred??  First of all, the message is lost, because I'm eating the vehicle.  And also?  Maybe I wouldn't want to eat so much candy if I weren't so depressed by things like this.

See how that goes?  It perpetuates itself.  The very existence of the corporate candy depresses me, causing me to want to eat it.  Hey, maybe that's what they were going for the in the first place.  Certainly memorable, and definitely worth being rescued from the bottom of my bag, don't you think?

Another amusing item I've been meaning to scan is this hilarious brochure for a cholesterol-lowering medication.  We were in the grocery store when we spotted this, and Steph was like "Clearly your problem here is not high-cholesterol-- it's the fact that you have an entire ham sandwich floating around in your veins."  I have to agree-I see what they're going for, but these graphics are totally overexaggerated and funny.  Wow-- is that really what it looks like once I've eaten roasted chicken?  Neato!

This totally reminds me of the time my grandma was getting in my face, trying to convince me that her cholesterol is lower than mine even though she eats bacon, and I was refusing to participate in this ridiculous discussion because she had a heart attack ten years ago and since then has been on the cholesterol drugs instead of just changing her diet.  Not fair, right?  Her cholesterol is probably NOT lower than mine because she's 97 and that's just impossible, but the very nature of the argument is absurd as well.  She's totally on the "whole piece of bacon in your veins" medication!

I don't know how it works exactly, but she's very pleased with the results, and continues to eat smoked meats in blatant defiance of doctor's orders.  As she munches away, she smiles and says things like "my cholesterol has never been lower!"

Did You Know?

Hey, did you know that the singer Seal used to have lupus, but now it's in remission?  Yeah, it's how he got those scars on his face.  And, speaking of weird stuff on the face, those scar-spots that Morgan Freeman has?  That's a condition called dermatitis papulosa.  And also?  Speaking of scars?  Did you know that Sharon Stone has one on her neck, and that Catherine Zeta-Jones had a tracheotomy?

Um, yeah. You can learn ALOT of trivial crap when you're stewing about your re-write.  I have now changed the perspective on my latest novel (the teen/ YA book) three times, and think I've finally found the right one.  But-- the in between times, when it's not working, but you don't know what to do to make it work?

Brutal.  Surf the internet for random "I've always wondered about that" trivia brutal.   "Catch up on my FaceBook email" brutal.  "Clean my office" brutal.   I mean, I'm not saying that writing is as hard as, say, working in a coal mine, because we all know it's not, and I'm super grateful to even have people who are interested to read my stories, dude.  It IS hard, though, when you know you have a good story, but you can't figure out how to make it come out.   And because I try to always follow my father-in-law's Three Rules of Life (hold over your plate, read the directions, and don't force anything), I have to just wait it out until it starts flowing again.  OK, now I'm making writing sound like pooping, but you get the general idea. 

Remember the days BEFORE the internet?  How did I survive grad school and my Master's Thesis (which was about Dostoevsky, Strindberg, and the modern theater, in case you've got that on your "things you want to know about me" list) without the internet to console me during the lean times?   Now that I think back on it, I think I spent those pre-internet stewing moments reading John Grisham novels while I waited for my mind to solve the problem.

Because I think maybe you have some of these moments in your life, and because maybe you are like me and want to learn interesting things while you are stewing I will share this fascinating site with you:  http://www.skinema.com .  No, it's not a porn site, and yes, it is safe for work.  It's a compilation of celebrity skin conditions.  I don't know why I find this kind of stuff so interesting.  Maybe this site will interest you as well, if in fact you are in the middle of a big project, and suddenly find yourself wanting to acquire more information about the albino from the Da Vinci code, or track the progress of Nic Cage's male pattern baldness, or many, many other vitally important things that will serve you well later in your life.

Um, Excuse Me? Can I Get Some Help Here?

Someone asked me the other day-- "what's the first image you think of when you hear the words "Funny Strange?"  Because these are the kinds of things people ask me, in case you're wondering.

I don't know why, but "dogs in costume" came to mind.  I have to say, there is nothing funnier to me than one of those catalogs of dog accoutrement that occasionally show up in our mailbox.  And it's not because the dogs are so precious or that the merchandise itself is funny.

I think what really gets me is the looks on the dogs' faces, and imagining what it must have been like to try to take that picture.  Is there anything sadder than this pug's face? 

Maybe I'm really laughing at the next moment-- the one you don't see, where the dog starts frantically rubbing his head on the floor, or starts ripping the foam out of one of the toys, shaking his head wildly from side to side.  Because that is so what's happening right after they wrap these shoots.

Then there's this one, where they've clearly either drugged the dog to get him to wear this outfit, or have just PhotoShopped a photo of a black lab onto the hippie costume.

Again, my thoughts go more to the "behind the scenes" aspect-- imagine being the person whose JOB it is to PhotoShop a dog's head onto a hippie costume?   Someone's boss thought this was a really, really good idea.  "Johnson!  You know what would really sell the hippie costume?  A BLACK LAB!  Get right on that!"

Maybe it's because I own a dog that won't tolerate the dressing up.  He doesn't care if you want to see him dressed like a hippie or with some fetching reindeer antlers on his head.  He thinks it's demeaning, and he's going to lodge a complaint with his union if you try to put a hat on him or balance anything on his nose.    And he MOST CERTAINLY does not want you dressing him up like a rabbi.

This dog is only sitting still because he's being bribed with meaty treats.  You can practically see the crumbled up pieces of bacon reflected in his eyes.  Also, when I showed this hilarious photo to Stephan, he said "Isn't it ironic that they picked the most German dog they could find to dress up like a rabbi?"

Oh, by the way.....

Yesterday I drove by the Westside Rentals guy, and he was wearing a skirt and had on a hat in the shape of Goofy on his head.  So yeah, apparently he can get crazier, and also-- that is just sad.   Someone needs to call social services on this guy's behalf. 

Oh, and Also...You Need Air to Breathe

This was the headline of the LA Daily News last Sunday, and when I passed by the newsstand, I actually laughed out loud.

Yeah, they did an EXPOSE about porn in the valley.  Hey people-- did you know there's PORN IN THE VALLEY?   Seriously-- isn't this something that everyone who lives here for any period of times just knows, along with the fact that while it SAYS it's only 5 miles from Santa Monica to West Hollywood, if you leave at 4:00 pm on a Friday, it takes 3 hours to get there?  Did the people at the LA Daily News not see Boogie Nights?  All I'm saying is-- this is not news, at least not to me or to anyone I know.  The valley-- it's where they make porn.  Oh, and if you're reading from somewhere else, this just in: THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY IS WHERE PORN COMES FROM.

Seriously-- someone needs to get the LA Daily News some modern conveniences, like a mimeograph machine and maybe some access to this "internet" thing that I hear is taking off now.  Because at the rate they're going, they're just about to break the OJ story.

Every once in awhile.....

It becomes totally funny that there is almost a six year age difference between my husband and I.  Like this moment:

(Sting's "Nothing Like the Sun" is playing in the background)

Me:  Wow, this album totally reminds me of summer camp right during middle school.
Him:  That's funny--I remember it from my sophomore year of college.  Oh wait-- that was, like, the same year.

Franz Kafka Musical

Oh my God....I can't stop singing this song.  This is the "Home Movies" cartoon guys doing a short musical based on Franz Kafka.  This is so something I would do, if I knew how to animate, write music, and all that kind of stuff.  In fact, I've been meaning to learn Flash, so I can bring to life the hilarious "Derrida vs. Heidegger" cartoon series I worked on a lot in grad school.  This will have to do for now.

Sing it!  "I've got little tiny bug feet....I don't even know what bugs eat...."

McGyver Would Never Fly Today--Literally

I was thinking about this recently in light of recent trips to New Orleans and New York.  I bet if someone pitched McGyver right now as a series, it probably wouldn't get picked up, and this is an example of how we as a society are not as progressive anymore.    Somehow, I don't think the concept of a man who can make, for instance, a bomb out of a tampon and a gum wrapper would be produced in our post 9/11, you can't bring your toothpaste on the plane atmosphere.

It's still a good idea for a character, I'm just saying if I were a studio executive green-lighting a series right now, I think I would pass on this one. 

I'm Sure He's a Really Nice Guy

But seriously, this is a name you change.

Animatronic Man Makes More Money Panhandling Than Homeless Guy Right Next to Him

This is a little confusing to comprehend at first, so I've included a photo.

There is a Savon Pharmacy right down the street from my house. In preparation for Halloween, they put up this six foot tall robot-type man who looks like a mad scientist. Every time a person walks into or out of the store, he says something like "I've got a fun game we can play....it's called fun with electricity," and other mad scientist things of this nature. This is probably very annoying to the people actually working in the store, but that's beside the point.

This is the part I think is truly absurd: Animatronic Mad Scientist Guy has a plastic beaker in his hand, like he's going to do an experiment. About ten days ago, we noticed that people had started throwing money into the beaker, like a quarter, or some pennies, or whatever. Then more people started doing it, and now by the end of the day, Mad Scientist Robot Guy has at least $2 or $3 in that beaker. This baffles me. Why are people giving money to a fake mad scientist? Do they have any concept of where that money might go? Are they tipping the guy for bugging everyone?

To compound the absurdity of this situation, there is a REAL LIVE homeless guy that stands out in front of this Savon all day long, going "spare any change?" To which the answer would be:

"no, I can't spare any change, I just gave my change to the FAKE ROBOT GUY standing right in front of you. I think it's more worthwhile to give money to a fake person than to give it to you, since at least I know he's not going to spend it on $2 jugs of wine, then sit in front of the Savon for yet another day, prolonging the horrible rut that you're in. At least it makes me laugh to see that other people have also giving to Fake Mad Scientist Guy, to ponder the strangeness of this situation. In fact, I have more faith that Fake Mad Scientist Guy is going to get his act together, come to life, and get a job than I do that you're going to do anything productive with my spare change. And that, my friend, is why I am giving it to him and not you."

Or something like that. I've never given change to either of them.

The Mustache Song

This is John McCloskey's contribution to internet culture.  Thanks John!

The Mustache Song

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YlB1nCmcJIk

Sketch Comedy

A long time ago, a few friends in LA were trying to get a sketch comedy troupe together.  Here's one of the mildly hilarious short sketches that made it!  A special shout out to Ashley Powell and Kathryn Feller for their excellent work on this.  Ahhh...snap!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wdA6Zu7-cM

You Need This

What could be better than a nice mousepad with a photo of Stephan giving the "This Guy" to Big George?

Nothing.  Nothing could be better.  Get it in a jaunty yellow messenger bag! 

The Bonus Round

Think what you want about the death penalty—all I know is that, if they have to use an extra shot of potassium chloride to kill you, that doesn’t seem fair.  If you live through the first shot and it doesn’t stop your heart, you should be able to walk out of that jail.  You got the death penalty and survived, dude.  That whole “extra shot” thing just seems like overkill (no pun intended).  Besides, the guy was blind and deaf.  How is he dangerous anymore?  Is he going to order a hit with Braille?

Lou Reed is Cozy

So, my friend Daniel works for Richard Foreman’s theater company the Ontological in New York, and we went to see the new show a few weeks ago when we were there.  The show is called “Zomboid!” and it’s actually pretty good, but a more thorough analysis must come later.  What I must share now is an evolving phenomenon called “Lou Reed is Cozy."

Lou Reed, as you may know, used to be in the Velvet Underground…you know “Take a Walk on the Wild Side,” “Pale Blue Eyes,” and a lot of other songs about being a junkie and living in seedy New York City in the 1970’s.   I guess in my mind, in person this guy would be so grizzled and edgy, dressed all in black, covered in tats, and hiding all the secrets of his rock and roll past in his wrinkled, leathery face.  Also, he’s either married to or in a long, long term relationship with performance artist, Laurie Anderson, which in my mind makes him even cooler.  What do they talk about when they go home?  Fascinating.

Anyhow, Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson were seated right in back of us in the theater.  This time they were in a place where I could actually turn around and get a good look, so I did.  And, lo and behold, Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson were dressed in what looked to be Old Navy Performance Fleece.

I’m contemplating whether this can be one of those things where they’re so cool they can get away with looking frumpy, because they simply don’t care what you think, when Stephan leans over and says “The King and Queen of the New York Avant Garde are cozy.”  This pushes me over the edge.

Also, this is the third time in a row that Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson have been seated behind us at a

New York

show.  This happened several years ago at the Ontological, then again in

Brooklyn

recently.    Really, this is happening so frequently, I go up to Laurie Anderson after the show and say “didn’t we see you the other night in

Brooklyn

?  We must have the same taste in theater,” to which she smiles and replies “See you tomorrow night!”

Such a clever response that for a moment I forgot that The King and Queen of the New York Avant Garde looked like they could be my parents.