I was trying to decide whether I should make some funny
about the Michael Douglas/ Catherine Zeta-Jones breakup. I know, I know, it’s so sad when people
break up, and they’ve had a bunch of stressful stuff go on in the past couple
of years, and we should feel sorry for them, blah blah blah. I think I just can’t get there because for
the first five or six years of their relationship, they were absolutely the
most smug of all the celebrity couples, and their faces were always like
“Hmmmm……don't you wish you were us???
Well, you’re not. Poor you. Greed is good.”
Despite this, I was all set to leave them alone until I heard this hilarious bit of spin-doctoring that I’m positive was fake-leaked by one or more of their publicists:
“Sources say geographic preferences are what’s behind the Michael Douglas/ Catherine Zeta-Jones split. Apparently he prefers living in the city, while she loves the country.”
Riiiiiight. That seems totally plausible, because there aren’t a zillion people who have a place in the city and a weekend house in the country that they go to every single weekend, many of whom at their income level go by helicopter.
Here are some things that are definitely NOT behind their split:
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Their "25 year" age difference
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The fact that he is now an old man, and that is
just not what she was counting on when she married him for his money and power.
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Cancer
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Bipolar disorder
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Him shooting his mouth off about getting cancer
from oral sex
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His junkie son who is now out of jail and probably living with them.
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The fact that she has been lying about her age
for years and is actually now too old for him and he is for sure going to trade
her in for a younger model.
Nope. None of those things. What broke them up was the fact that he just LOVES THE CITY, ok? Nothing more. How dare you?
Also, their publicists would like you to know that even divorced, they are still better than you.
