Funny Strange

Is Brian Really Dead? The Odds Say Yes...

OK, I've had time to think about it, and this whole "Family Guy killing off Brian" thing has me really bummed out.   I was in total denial about whether it is actually real or if it's just a publicity stunt that is going to be reversed with a time machine, but then the odds guy at Sports Betting Dime (yes, I know an oddsmaker, does this surprise you?) laid 13/ 4 odds that Brian is actually dead, meaning he’d put money on it themselves (he’s also a Family Guy fan).

That depressed me even more, because now it feels real, and I feel like all the Brian-related funny I've laughed at over the years is tainted, and now every time I want to make a Family Guy reference (which I do all the time), my mind goes “Uggghh, they killed him off, such a cynical move,” and I retract/ regret my laughter.

Also, has Seth McFarlane never had a dog? I’m guessing not, because when you have a dog, you know that losing that dog hurts on a visceral level, and no one appreciates those tender feelings being used for what amounts to a publicity stunt. Just…how dare you?

This made me realize a few things: 1) I didn’t notice how entrenched that show was in my mind, and 2) I didn’t realize that Brian was my favorite character until he was gone, and 3) I underestimated Seth McFarlane’s power to shoot himself in the foot. Ruining 15 years’ worth of laughter and funny memories while making me sad about my own dog in one fell swoop? You’re almost like, “Well done! First you ruin the Oscars, now this? I hate you. In fact, I double hate you for reminding me of my deceased dog.” Whether you like, loathe, or are indifferent to Family Guy, hear me out. Even though it's clearly in decline, the one thing the show still had going for it was the comedic dynamic between Stewie and Brian. So many shows have tried to create a relationship that great--think Oscar and Felix, Laverne and Shirley, Liz Lemon and Jack Donnaghy, Lucy and Ethel, hell, Beavis and Butthead. From a comedy writing standpoint, it's the gold standard. The whole killing-off-Brian thing may have been a publicity stunt, and if so, fine. But if it isn't, I guess my question is, why would you f*ck with the one thing your dying show still has going for it?

If you’re pissed off like me, go over and sign the petition to bring Brian back.

It makes glass invisible? I'm not sure I need this.

via Instagram

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope you're having a good day and are counting your blessings.  I know I am!   I don't know how to cook at all, so I'm grateful that I have someone to cook dinner for me.   I relish my role as "Holiday Bar Back," meaning I shop, take the garbage out, and clean throughout the day.  You'd be surprised how necessary this is!  We could get into a whole thing about how I never learned to cook because I resent the implication that women SHOULD know how to cook, but let's leave that for another day, say that I just never acquired the skill of cooking, and look at the hilarious result that occurred when I tried to actually make something.

Here is a photo of the Oreo cookie turkeys I tried to make last year.   If you want to amuse yourself, go over and look at the recipe and how they're really supposed to look, then come back and look at my version.  Why does this turkey look like he's melting?   

It's because he's melting.  

I couldn't tell you what went wrong here, but my Oreo turkeys look like zombies with their faces melting off.  They were surprisingly delicious, but far from attractive, and I had to freeze them for many hours to make them even stand up like this for a second.

So, like I said-- I'm not great in the kitchen, and I'm fine with this.  

 

Share Your Website Launch PTSD Stories!

I have been avoiding mentioning the current website debacle going on with our government's healthcare project because as you probably know, I do not like discussing politics, like at all .

But, let me tell you something-- I feel for the people who built that website, because I guarantee you that at some point, they said "this site is not going to work, it will not sustain the traffic, it will crash and be a terrible user experience," and someone who supervised them was all "it's fine, just launch it."

I do not know one person who has ever worked in website development who hasn't had this exact same experience, where the client just WILL NOT LISTEN, and then things like this happen.

Here are some examples, just from myself and some website-maker friends.  Remember, the larger the client, the more levels of bureaucracy, the more things that can go ridiculously, absurdly wrong.

Here are a few gems for you:

-- In the nineties, I worked for a big famous website consultancy.  We made a website for an encyclopedia maker, and they decided they wanted to give away encyclopedias at the last minute.  We were like "your site cannot handle that much traffic, it will break," and they were all "do it anyway," and we did, and it did, and that happened.

Here are some awesome quotes from the Facebook discussion where this was being discussed.  Feel free to add your own in the comments!

•  I am remembering one project of mine where the lead developer went missing for several days, only to call me from a payphone outside an Ashram in Denver saying he wasn't coming back.

   
•  Seriously. You know there was one guy out there saying, "What's the worst that can happen?" There's always that guy.

   
• It's giving me flashback nightmares to the time <famous retailer>'s store locator/in-store pick up locator crashed right after Thanksgiving, and I had to be on a plane up to their headquarters to get yelled at for 4 hours. I'm pretty sure it was worse than testifying before a Congressional sub-committee.

   
• Ted Cruz was all like, "Putting up a web site that sells things is not that hard." And I was all like, "I just spent the past year of my life working on one of those and it's still not launched. I'd like to see you try it, nuts face."

   

   

Get 'em while you can!

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AdWords ads: how not to write

If anyone is interested, I can do a whole post on "How to Write Good Ad Copy," but I keep seeing examples of bad and/ or funny ads, so I will be talking now about those.

Here's the first one.   It's funny because it's just so....aggressive.  Like, I was just reading an article on my phone, minding my own business.  This ad sounds like this guy is going to "SUE MY EMPLOYER" without even asking me.   The headline is so forceful, it kind of makes you want to go "Oh, did I give you that impression?   I'm actually fine-- don't do anything on my account....no, seriously.  I DON'T WANT THIS.  STOP.  YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE."

I PhotoShopped the guy's name out because he seems very litigious, but this is an example of an ad that is not targeted enough, so it's triggering on the Google Content Network probably more than it should.  This is flawed logic, inferring that just because I was reading an article obliquely related to this  subject, I have this problem myself (which I decidedly do that).  This, right here, is why many people hire me (or other consultants) to refine their AdWords buys, because they are not getting any results.

Then there's this ad:

First of all, please believe me when I say that SEO (Search Engine Optimization) that lasts is based on high quality writing.  That's the first reason this is hilarious to me, because This Person Is Going to Write All of Your Content Like This and Google Knows That No One Talks Like That.

This is also funny because there is no lead up to the big-ticket minimum required retainer of $2,000/ month.  YIKES.   I don't even know you, your grammar is not great, and I need $2,000/month just to get in the door?  No loss-leader product like a site audit so I can see how brilliant you are and what suggestions you have for me BEFORE you tell me your minimum monthly fee?  This scares me.

 I also would like to point out how ironic it is that this person, Despite Having Been in the Industry for 15 Years, is paying for ads, when paid traffic is the opposite of SEO traffic, so that is a joke that only I will get.

Here are some best practices for AdWords buys, in case you're going to take the plunge.  These are my own findings, so take from them what you will:

-- Phrase the headline as a question.  For the first ad, I would probably re-target the whole buy and change the headline to something like "Got Problems With Your Employer?"  

-- Test, test, test.   If the second advertiser is smart, they ran this ad at the same time as another one WITHOUT the minimum retainer mentioned, then compared the results from the two.  This is the main problem I see with small businesses-- they run only one ad, then wonder why they wasted that money.  You need at least two ads running so you can compare the results, otherwise you are advertising in a vaccuum.

-- Measure Results.  This is the # 1 problem I hear from people, and yet it never fails to surprise me-- people will start running these ads and spending huge amounts of money, but they really don't have any mechanism in place to tell if those ads are even getting them business (like setting up conversion tracking in Google Analytics, or making a special page where the ad leads so you can measure the traffic, OR JUST ASKING PEOPLE WHERE THEY FOUND YOU).

--Pay Attention.  Google will take your money, even if your ad isn't targeted correctly or is failing to get you the leads you wanted.   Make a note in your calendar (or email, or however you remind yourself) that your ad is running, check it every day, and PAUSE / DELETE it if it's not performing.  Do not go on vacation with that ad running, or you will end up with an unpleasant surprise in the form of a huge bill when you return.  

 

I Love Standard Time So Much, You Guys!

I don't think I've made a big enough deal about how happy I am now that it's standard time and it's not light until 9 PM anymore.  I know, I know-- I (and my mother in law) are the only ones that are so happy now that it is dark at 5pm,  and I know this because I read my Facebook feed and many of my friends hate winter and complain about it....all winter.

That's fine, complainers. More winter for me!

As I've mentioned before, I believe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder in reverse, which apparently is an actual real thing.  "Summertime SAD," they call it, and I'm positive the disorder preceded the Lana Del Rey song.  This was not helped at all by growing up in Palm Desert, the land of perpetual summer, where I always felt like my pale skin and light eyes were being scorched every time I went outside.  

I will say, there is one thing I don't love about winter, and that is the fact that my hair is a giant dandelion of dried-out staticy mess and I look like the crazy-haired woman at the beginning of the Electric Company who yells "Hey You Guys!", and while I was searching for that clip, I found this one, which is much better and reminds me that TV was much more awesome when we were kids.

 

Hey, I Know That Squinch Guy!

Is it weird that two different people I know (who don't know each other) were on Good Morning America this week?   I think so.

Here is one of them-- photographer (and friend) Peter Hurley made a YouTube tutorial on being more photogenic that went viral, and they did a whole segment on him!  Peter is such a great photographer and an all-around nice guy, so I want to share this to keep the viral-ness going.

 

More World News from ABC | JFK Assassination Remembered

Also, just for fun: Peter actually took photos for me a long time ago, and I found one with a "squinch" face in it!  I totally dislike having my photo taken, and Peter is great at giving you tools (like in those tutorials!) to look more like yourself in front of the camera.

Here is Peter's website, if you should need some photos.  He will teach you how to squinch!

 

 

 

I Just Found Out I Like John Mayer. I Blame Pandora

Dude!  John Mayer songs keep sneaking into a Pandora station I based on a lesser known (and assuredly less douchey) artist named Joshua Radin.  In case you don't know his music, here you go:

Yes, he totally IS a member of the "Elliott Smith Sad Bastard School of Music," and that is why I love him.

So, love that guy , love his music, usually love the music Pandora suggests along the same algorithmic combination.

But, John Mayer has me really conflicted. Maybe it's because you always see him smiling like a cheesy douche bag or dating models (or Katy Perry, whatever).   I kind of want his music to sound like Sugar Ray so I am justified in feeling the way I do about him.

But then I find out he can play the guitar like this, and I am forced to concede that I am, in fact, a JOHN MAYER FAN.  Dammit.

As a snobby indie music person I'm sure you can understand how disturbing this is. This makes me want to go in a totally indie direction, like only listening to CHVRCHES for awhile.  

Let's do that, shall we?  Here is the CHVURCHES song we like the most right now.  This is being played on heavy rotation in our house, and yes, we totally do sing along in a Scottish accent.

 

It's Funny Because It's Sad.

Let’s ask ourselves, for a moment, shall we:  what is most bizarre about this dog food?

Is it that Old Yeller dies at the end of that movie, so he in fact won’t be needing any more kibble?

Is it the fact that this bag looks like it might be MADE of Old Yeller?

Is it the weirdness of Disney making dog food?

Is it something else I can’t quite put my finger on?

I won’t even go in to what a dog food hippie I am now because commercial dog food is for sure what gave my beloved Baxter cancer and made him only live to be eleven years old.  If you’re feeding your dog commercial (like, grocery store) dog food, please take a look at the ingredients. 

At any rate, special thanks to Katie for this wonderful image, which has obviously made my mind grind to a halt with its many wacky possibilities.   Katie has a wonderful eye for this sort of thing.   I think she missed her calling by becoming a fancy college professor—clearly she should be scouting out weird packaging and advertisements all day, just to make us laugh.